Before I get into individual replies, I should probably state what this particular TOPS chapter has done for me.
For better or for worse, I was kind of born into the position of being the mediator. I was always like that with my friends in grade school, within my own family, and was like that with most of my jobs. Many of my bosses loved the way I handled people and made sure the buck stopped with me when it came to customer service (I had a manager that would simply hand the phone to me whenever a customer called with a complaint because I always handled it much better than she could)! And I actually enjoy that for the most part. I love making others happy. I was often complimented for being the nicest checkout gal whenever I worked at Target, Walmart, and ShopKo. I spent years leading an afternoon program for school-age children and was well-known at my company for being the fun
and responsible teacher (most were just one or the other). However, I do realize that the role I tend to be comfortable with sometimes comes at my expense.
I've always had pretty bad anxieties though, and after going through many severe hardships a few years back (loss of my last parent, falling out with my brother, money issues, abused by an ex, etc.) I basically broke down and became much worse than ever. And when I moved to another part of the country to start my life over, I felt so completely, hopelessly lost. I couldn't understand why I'd become frightened of everything! My anxieties got so bad it was a struggle to do every-day things like drive to the store or even walk over to the mail box down the street. My husband (then boyfriend) pretty much took me under his wing as I slowly took baby steps forward and began to heal.
One of my big goals to rejoining "normalcy" was stepping back into social situations once again. Something that popped up in my head was TOPS. I wanted to lose weight, and since I'd been a member with my mom as a kid I knew it was the least expensive option out there. So it was the very first thing I looked up when I began driving again. This TOPS chapter was my first foray back into a social situation since I'd broken down, and helped me adapt to my anxieties once again. I'd often have panic attacks on the way there, sit through the meetings frozen like a deer in headlights, then cry all the way home. It was just that hard for me. Several times I missed the meetings altogether because I couldn't make myself get out of the car because I was gripped with an irrational, indescribable fear. It was horrible and something I couldn't even begin to understand, let alone explain. But the more I went, the better I got. As I became more comfortable and my natural personality came back out, I relaxed and made friends there. And after I recovered from my miscarriage earlier this year, I was asked if I was willing to get nominated for co-leader and found myself being voted in.
I figured it would be good for me overall, and I believe it has been. And in the meantime I'd been trying out different supplements, hoping to get over the feeling of being so drained all the time. And after a few weeks of taking a vitamin B complex, I suddenly realized that my anxiety attacks had all but disappeared! Not that they hadn't been getting better through a lot of hard work, but I still had a lot of days and situations that were difficult to cope with. I really wish I'd have known long ago that the vitamins would help me; maybe I wouldn't have had to have gone through so much before. But the past is the past, and healing this much has been like night and day. I've done a lot of reading since, and it's likely I was having undiagnosed issues with my nervous system, which explains why my anxieties and self-consciousness would get so bad throughout different parts of my life. Even as a kid, I spent a lot of time being told I was a cry-baby, and that being so overly-sensitive was a character flaw that I needed to get over. But now . . . I feel "normal." And also find myself often wanting to speak up in situations that I normally wouldn't have in the past, like the whole "food police" issue. Oh, and wanting to say something to Nelly about her negativity. So I think I'm still getting used to this new, unfiltered me, if that makes sense. I'm so used to taking everything extremely personally regardless and it's almost like it's been switched off in my head. Not that I don't care what others think anymore, as I most certainly do, but it's not the same thing at all since it's no longer something that cripples me.
I did say in my very first post:
Overall it's been a positive and rewarding experience, but sometimes there have been issues. I'm still focused on the positive and rewarding aspects of it, and am doing my best to handle any issues that arise.
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Originally Posted by HungryHungryHippo
Elladorine--you sound like a great leader, and that you're doing exactly the right things! I get your frustration, though!
Aw, thanks!
In the grand scheme of things, my frustrations are relatively minor at least. I think I just needed to be able to talk about it before they had a chance to build up.
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Originally Posted by Arctic Mama
You sound like an excellent participant, but your club would drive me nuts! I'm all about support but that includes, on occasion, some tough love or at the VERY least some realistic perspective. The balancing act isn't one I envy!
I think the balancing act is pretty new to me, for the reasons I've explained above. And my change in habits within this past year has made a difference in the life of at least one other member, as she told me I was the direct inspiration for her to start using cards to track her daily portions and has been doing very well since.
And I'm not counting on it, but the hope to help even one more person at some point makes some of the frustrations worth it to me.
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Originally Posted by Vex
Is this group benefiting you still? Do you still enjoy going? Does it help you with your weight loss and possibly even a circle of friends?
It sounds like be the leader of this group can be very stressful for a number of reasons. Unless being the leader is something that helps you in some way, I'd say the added stress is not worth it and not volunteer next time elections come up. (if that's how you do it) You're probably someone who likes to help people and leadership of this group is a way to do it - but is it at the expense of your own happiness?
Bottom line, you can't change people until they want to change and do you really want to be life's mediator?
Despite my complaints, I look forward to that weekly meeting every Wednesday night. It's the only weigh-in that I actually "count" (it uses a balance scale which is a lot more accurate than what I have at home) and it's the way I've been gauging my progress. I like announcing whether I've lost or gained when we do roll call. I like participating in the contests and getting awards for milestones. And I like the overall group I'm with. Because of my anxieties, I haven't actually met a lot of people since I've moved out here. That may be changing soon now that I'm feeling better, but I still appreciate what this group gave me when my spirits were near their lowest.
For the reasons mentioned above, I think this has been good for me. It's just that a lot in my life has been changing and my brain is still trying to keep up! And as frustrating as some of this is, it covers only one small aspect of my life (it's only once a week after all, aside from the occasional rally) and I'm generally a happy person. I think, more than anything, I needed to vent a little as a part of figuring out how I'm going to be handling upcoming issues. I know I definitely won't take it if Nelly ever acts like that during one of my presentations, and that I'll stand up to her if the situation ever calls for it (like I said, the last presenter could handle herself, but I can't say the same for every other person that may volunteer in the future).
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Originally Posted by 1spunkygal
OK here goes I have been to many of the TOPS groups over the years (LOVE & MISS IT) I found in several of my groups many of the lady's are old & lonely they come for YEARS losing the same 5-10lbs over & over again. She sounds like she is one of those lonley old ladys ( NOT meant in a mean way). I'm sure you are a GREAT leader & keep in mind you CANNOT please everyone & some people just need something to complain about. I feel for her lonelyness but NOT @ your expense
Nelly's son is part of the group as well, and if he didn't sleep through most of the meetings he'd probably be ten times worse than her (I base this on the comments he tends to make when he actually pays attention to what's going on). I think the only real reason he attends is so that he has somewhere to sit when he drives Nelly in (as I've mentioned, she has mobility issues).
Sigh . . . it's gotta be hard to have those mobility issues. And something I realize is that I was well on my way to having those same issues. I used to weigh 360 pounds. I used to have trouble making it from one room to the next. The idea of having to rely on a walker just because of my weight absolutely petrifies me. Sometimes I wonder if I see a little of myself in her. I do believe I was that angry and bitter back in 2004 or so, and I can only imagine where I'd be 20 years from now still at my highest weight or worse.
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Originally Posted by juliastl27
it sounds like this woman has some kind of problem. i understand that when we see behavior that is rude and making others uncomfortable we want to stop it. it sure sounds like she IS being rude! however, i feel that sometimes i have trouble just letting go of things. some people are just pains and everyone knows it. who knows what this woman truly is? maybe shes lonely and sad and wants to be around others but is just socially awkward and has poor boundary lines. you never know!
just like you cant be the "food police" we also cant be the "behavior police". there are real police for seriously bad behavior . a lot of people are going to act in ways that we (meaning the populous) KNOW aren't right, but it doesnt really sound like shes trying to hurt anyone.
its sort of like the woman next to you making comments about how much others were eating. what does she know? maybe these women saved all their calories for this one meal... maybe they're having a "cheat" day for this special occasion, maybe they're loading up on foods that are in their plan. the point is that she had no idea what was going on with them and shouldn't have a right to say anything. i hope this isnt coming off wrong, but just maybe this woman has some issues going on that you aren't aware of and they're influencing her behavior. maybe shes just a pain.. who knows? all i know is that sometimes you just have to deal with obnoxious people. you cant always force them out of the places you want to be and sometimes its worth your time to get to know them. you may find out that their behavior makes more sense once you do!
Now see, I'm so glad I've been coming to this forum for years! It's been a great help to get so much insight from so many.
While I didn't bring it up in detail like you have, something I've learned from so much reading here is the whole issue of "how do you know?" As in, how do you know that people didn't plan for the way they're eating? Because so many are quick to point out the fat person with the plate piled high. And even though it admittedly made me cringe, not knowing is one of the reasons I try so hard not to judge. And there was the lady sitting next to me, pointing out everyone's plates!
I tried to keep it simple when I said that everyone makes their own decisions. It's also why I don't say anything when I go out to eat with the ladies . . . I certainly hope they don't eat like that all week, but it's not as if I follow them around to find out.
If anything, they look at me funny for ordering the chicken breast or turkey burger, and for ordering small combos and not finishing all of the food set out before me. But I don't scrutinize their behavior and don't offer any unsolicited advice. If they ask me what I do, sure! I'll tell them what I've changed when it comes to my habits, and how I believe it has helped me. And I may even suggest they take the same baby steps I did to get started. But I never look at them funny or ask them what they're thinking by ordering the large fries
and the deep-fried zucchini on top of their double bacon cheeseburger. I realize that at the very least, it's a once a week splurge that follows a full week of however they normally eat. I don't even ask them how they expect to lose weight if they don't even have any sort of plan in place. And I'm not even talking about Weight Watchers or Atkins or whatever, but when I asked for reasons to stay on their plan for the day and had absolutely nothing . . . ?
Heh, and I'm really not trying to be the "behavior police."
I guess I just expect people to act respectful in such a situation. The other member went out of her way and volunteered to write a program and stand up in front of everyone to give her presentation. The interesting thing is that Nelly never volunteers to give presentations, which isn't really an issue because it's not a requirement, it's all volunteer-based. But the reason she always gives is that speaking in front of everyone like that makes her nervous, and so I'm pretty certain she doesn't even realize that her actions during said presentations tend to make some of the other members nervous.
I do feel for her. And believe it or not, I do like her. I think she's a genuinely nice person that's just unhappy with where she is right now, and it's something I relate to. But I've also gotta realize there's only so much I can do other than try to lead by example.