[zoezilla]

I am 5"7 and weigh 147 pounds. I have lost 11 pounds and am feeling really good about myself.

However, when my parents make mean comments about my appearance, I lose that happy feeling. I am 16 years old, and since I was about 11, my parents have been making comments about my weight.

My brother has directly said "you are fat and ugly" while my parents tend to disguise their comments.

My dad has always told me to get "fit" I don't understand, I did 3 sports at that time, what is "fit"? I don't do 3 sports anymore, but I regularly walk, run, bike & do zumba, Or he tells my mum not to buy certain foods because "I (meaning me) don't need them".

My mother says things like "look at the back of the rack, the bigger sizes are there" or that "that dress looks so much nicer with sleeves, not that your arms are fat" (while staring intently at my arms)

I also have noticed them watching me when I eat or am dishing up my own portion, and I feel quite paranoid. I sit in different positions so I look thinner, feel scared to wear sleeveless clothes and make sure to eat slowly so I don't seem greedy. Also, I hear them talking before they go to sleep at night, I hear my name but not what they are saying, and I then lie awake for an hour worrying if they are discussing my weight/appearance. (Dad had alluded that I am ugly before).

However, I get confused because my dad says things like "people should accept themselves for what they are and be happy" and my mum often says I should eat more and my brother/dad think any guy I am friends with is my boyfriend. Also I have said I feel so fat and ugly and my mum said "don't talk rubbish". I don't know what to think.

There are many other comments they have made that don't sound that bad written down but the tone of voice and expressions they were said in heavily implied that they thought I was fat. I am very confused, I want to lose a bit more weight, but I feel like no matter what I look like they will continue to say things or I will never be able to forget what they said. It is just so awful when it is your family saying this, as it must be true if they say it, as your family is meant to love you no matter what.

Advice? Apologies for the lengthy post.

[love2hike]

Parents are the unfortunate product of their upbringing and environment. Sometimes it works really well for their children and sometimes, not so much. Look at height and weight scales or check your BMI and see if you are in a healthy range. If so, be content and screen out what your family says. They just want you to be happy and healthy even if their words come out wrong sometimes.

[Spiritix]

My mom told me her parents would do stuff like that, and she really felt fat because of it, even though nowadays she looks back and says that she really wasn't. I hope I don't end up doing stuff like that...
I think you're in the right weight zone for your height, and if you're keeping active, then there's really nothing to worry about. I'd find that really annoying and depressing though, especially because I'm actually fat. I guess if it ever bugs you too much, you can sit and have a talk with them.

[RoyalAthena]

Originally Posted by zoezilla

I am 5"7 and weigh 147 pounds. I have lost 11 pounds and am feeling really good about myself.

However, when my parents make mean comments about my appearance, I lose that happy feeling. I am 16 years old, and since I was about 11, my parents have been making comments about my weight.

My brother has directly said "you are fat and ugly" while my parents tend to disguise their comments.

My dad has always told me to get "fit" I don't understand, I did 3 sports at that time, what is "fit"? I don't do 3 sports anymore, but I regularly walk, run, bike & do zumba, Or he tells my mum not to buy certain foods because "I (meaning me) don't need them".

My mother says things like "look at the back of the rack, the bigger sizes are there" or that "that dress looks so much nicer with sleeves, not that your arms are fat" (while staring intently at my arms)

I also have noticed them watching me when I eat or am dishing up my own portion, and I feel quite paranoid. I sit in different positions so I look thinner, feel scared to wear sleeveless clothes and make sure to eat slowly so I don't seem greedy. Also, I hear them talking before they go to sleep at night, I hear my name but not what they are saying, and I then lie awake for an hour worrying if they are discussing my weight/appearance. (Dad had alluded that I am ugly before).

However, I get confused because my dad says things like "people should accept themselves for what they are and be happy" and my mum often says I should eat more and my brother/dad think any guy I am friends with is my boyfriend. Also I have said I feel so fat and ugly and my mum said "don't talk rubbish". I don't know what to think.

There are many other comments they have made that don't sound that bad written down but the tone of voice and expressions they were said in heavily implied that they thought I was fat. I am very confused, I want to lose a bit more weight, but I feel like no matter what I look like they will continue to say things or I will never be able to forget what they said. It is just so awful when it is your family saying this, as it must be true if they say it, as your family is meant to love you no matter what.

Advice? Apologies for the lengthy post.

I don't want to say that your parents have ill intentions. That may not be the case. Have you directly asked them their intentions or what they actually mean behind some of their comments. Don't ask them a few days later but right then. For example, when your mom said that the bigger sizes were at the back of the rack. Was she saying you were fat OR was she saying that at the front of the rack is a size 0 but the size 4 and 6 (which are bigger sizes in this case) were in the back. Ask you Dad what he means by "fit"??

You may want to filter what is constructive criticism and what is insult before you react. Once you find the true intent then you can go from there.

Look at the last 3-4 paragraphs you wrote.

They watch what you are eating (maybe to make sure you are getting enough) and they are saying you should eat more (not less). You sit so you don't look fat??? Maybe they notice that too. Your Dad says "People should accept themselves..." Maybe he thinks that you don't love yourself. You said they talk about you at night. They are not talking behind your back but maybe having a night time conversation about their concerns.

These are all speculations. Don't jump to a conclusion. Ask them directly then go from there. Best of luck!

[zoezilla]

I have tried to speak to them about it, but I have either got shot down or they said they didn't. I would like to think that they do not have ill intentions however, the lines have been blurred too much. They say things that are very easily construed as mean, then they say nice things. Also my mum says similar things to other people then tells me how "they really shouldn't have worn that" or some other remark. I can't help but think she thinks of me in the same way.
I would like to not let it bother me, but it is effecting me too much. I decided to lose weight because I thought it might make the comments stop, and now I have and they haven't, I think what will it take?

[Cattails]

It's so easy to get the wrong impression. As somebody who was 16 with siblings a LONG time ago, don't bother about what your brother says! Insults are the rule, not the exception, from sibs. As a mom of three teenagers, I suspect your parents are concerned for you - they want you to be healthy and happy, and don't want to see you develop an eating disorder. I'm sure they want the best for you but they are only human and fallible - as somebody else said, we parents don't always say things the right way. Please give them the benefit of the doubt, and continue your healthy ways: do activities that you enjoy and eat in a healthy way. If by some remote chance they do have bad intentions, living well is the best revenge!

[bargoo]

At 147 pounds at 5'7" you are not even overweight. Can you point that out to them ? I think their intentions may not be bad but they need to learn to communicate in a more positive way.

[Misti in Seattle]

Originally Posted by Cattails

It's so easy to get the wrong impression. As somebody who was 16 with siblings a LONG time ago, don't bother about what your brother says! Insults are the rule, not the exception, from sibs. As a mom of three teenagers, I suspect your parents are concerned for you - they want you to be healthy and happy, and don't want to see you develop an eating disorder. I'm sure they want the best for you but they are only human and fallible - as somebody else said, we parents don't always say things the right way. Please give them the benefit of the doubt, and continue your healthy ways: do activities that you enjoy and eat in a healthy way. If by some remote chance they do have bad intentions, living well is the best revenge!

VERY good point about brothers!! Most of them turn out to be quite nice and very good to their sisters once you all get a bit older. Voice of experience, ha. Mine used to get me down in the floor and pour salt into my hair and then accuse me of having dandruff! Now he does not admit to that LOL

However, if I ever comment on having lost weight he will STILL say, "Have you looked behind you lately? I found it. I know where it went" And "behind me" is most definitely NOT where my excess lies LOL

[LisaTcan]

I know where you're coming from - I'm 26 but I had a lot of issues with my parents and my weight as a teenage. I was a very obese child and developed an eating disorder as a teen. My parents used to say a lot of hurtful and contradictory things like "you're so beautiful, you've got such a pretty face - if only you could lose some weight". So I lost weight and then all they wanted for me to do was stop losing weight!

At the time I was really hurt but now I know that they were only looking out for my best interests and trying to take care of me the best they could. Parents are people too, it takes a while to realize they have faults and difficulties too. I think they probably just love you and are concerned for you.
As for your brother - he's just being a kid, he'll grow out of it!

PS. congrats on losing weight, you're at a great weight for your height

[dayoneagain]

I know it's hard, but I think you should tell either your mum and/or your dad how you feel about their comments and see what they say.

My dad always used to say I needed to get more exercise, whether I was going to the gym 5 times a week or not! He was a very active guy and thought you could always do more - I think he also thought I would be much happier if I lost weight so he tried to "help", when actually all it did was make me angry and sad. I know for a fact that he adored me and would have been mortified if he ever thought he upset me with it.

Remember that parents haven't had any training to be parents - they're just people like you and me and are giving it their best shot - without a little help now and again they are bound to do stuff wrong.

[Elladorine]

Originally Posted by bargoo

At 147 pounds at 5'7" you are not even overweight. Can you point that out to them ? I think their intentions may not be bad but they need to learn to communicate in a more positive way.

^This. Maybe next time you have a doctor's exam, bring up a discussion with him/her about any weight concerns and let the doctor decide what weight range is best for you.

In the meantime, keep in mind that your parents are projecting their own issues on you; whatever they say is a reflection of themselves, not you.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[drixnot]

At 5-7 and 159 lbs you were normal weight and you are still in the normal range after losing 11 lbs... you are not fat and you never were.

Add that to the fact that you are 16 and right in the middle of puberty... a time that many girl put on a little extra weight while they grow.. weight that is soon lost naturally. Ignore your parents and certainly ignore your brother.

[Volschika007]

Your definitely a normal weight and even were before losing weight. I'm not sure why your parents would be making those comments, but I know from my own experience that sometimes parents don't know how much something they're saying or doing is upsetting you - especially if you aren't showing it (which I never did.) I know my mom seemed to keep saying things more and more often because she thought she wasn't getting through to me when in reality I would cry in private because of things she said. If she had known that I know she would have felt horrible. I think you can put a stop to it all by just letting your parents know how much it upsets you and it might also be helpful to ask them why they say those things. They could be making comments without even being aware of how they come across. Good luck and try to ignore their comments. You're perfectly normal!

[Euphy]

Hmm, I don't understand that at all. Your weight is pretty much ideal for your height. Some people just live by different standards of what is fit and healthy, I guess. And NO it is absolutely not true that if your family says it, it means it's true. Honestly, I'd tell them to go suck an egg. I know it's hard when you're living under your parent's house, but I wouldn't allow myself to be treated that way.

[mich24]

I have the same dilemma atm, my mom and my sister are always making fun of how I look. I say, find a friend (and I am sure you already have one! or two or three!) who will be more positive about it. Surround yourself with positive energy, and be willing to accept compliments. Sometimes it cancels out the negative feedback. Not always, but it helps.

I would suggest you "talk back" to them, and try to do it as respectfully as possible, as they are still your parents after all. Tell them, you have been working so hard and it's quite annoying, hurtful, and discouraging when they put you down like that. That may not be their intention, but tell them it's affecting you nonetheless.