Honestly, I think I blocked a lot of things out. Too painful. Enough things still linger though.
I remember not being able to breathe. Not that the asthma helped, but sometimes walking from one room to the next about killed me. I ended up in the ER a few times because I simply couldn't handle lugging my body around.
I remember crying because the closest parking we found for a convention was about a mile away from the center, and I wasn't sure I could walk it on top of being on my feet all day, and then walking back to the car again. I wasn't even near my highest weight.
I remember eating Burger King so often that the chicken sandwiches would make me feel sick after about halfway through. I haven't touched BK in about 6 years now and the thought of
anything from there still turns my stomach.
I remember the waists of my jeans hurting, so I'd unfasten them as soon as I got home. I can't tell you how many zippers I broke by sitting down while wearing them unzipped!
I'm not even sure how I justified it back then, but it certainly didn't seem like I was on my way to gaining another 100 pounds! Heck, I also remember complaining about how 2X's in the stores had gotten "smaller" . . . I certainly wasn't getting too big for them, right? If I picked up a bigger size it wasn't because the 2X's no longer fit me, it was because I wanted my shirts "baggy." Wow, was I delusional.
I remember shopping at a plus size store with a friend and leaving in a hurry so I could hide in the bathroom and cry. Why? I realized that they didn't have one pair of jeans that would even come close to fitting me: I was too fat for the fat store!
No room to be delusional there.
I remember going through two Wisconsin winters with a coat that I could no longer zip up (a 26/28!), I'd gotten too big for it and couldn't afford to buy something that actually fit me.
I remember not being able to fit in the folding lunch tables when I was working with kids at a school. Well, I could fit if I sucked it in and kinda sat sideways. Oh, and not being able to do much actual playing with them outside of board games and coloring.
I remember hating to bend over for anything, even getting something from the bottom shelf of the fridge was a painful nightmare.
I remember food being the only thing I had in my life to look forward to and enjoy (very sad, now that I look back at it). But those were difficult personal times (angry and selfish boyfriend, loss of my parents, money issues, etc.) and I didn't know how to make things better. Worst of all, I remember feeling completely helpless and powerless to change. I'm not only amazed that I got started, but that I've made it this far.
