I wish this post was at the end of the thread instead of the middle. This is one time I want to post at the end. LOL
I am not even sure if I should post this here or not because it won't make any sense to anyone. It is the ramblings of an old lady who reached a milestone in her recovery.
I wrote this off line and am posting it here because I want to share my experience with you. PLEASE DO NOT expect to make any sense of it. LOL Just know it makes sense to ME... and I am rejoicing.
WOW !!! I am writing this off line and I don't even know if I will post this or not. I just know I need to write about this.
Have you ever gone "soul searching"?
To dive deep into your soul to see how you ended up where you are ?
I have ... many times. I belonged to a 12 step program and I have done many inventories. I discovered a LOT about myself...
... some things I liked... some things I didn't.
But I always got to this one place ... deep down into my soul ... that I realized that one more step deeper.... and I would have to face some truths about myself that I was NOT
willing to deal with.
I was willing to 'face' them. I had no problem facing them anymore.
But I was NOT willing to deal with them.
Sooo, I would STOP
dead in my tracks.
I was not "WILLING" to deal with what I had found. So I would turn around and head back up to the surface where everything was familiar. My problems were familiar and my 'ways of coping' were familiar. And I have sat there for YEARS !!!!
WELL ... tonight..... Tonight I went that one step further into that "soul searching."
I took that extra step required to go deeper
into my soul and see what I was soooo afraid of facing...of dealing with.
It was more than a light bulb moment. More than a click.
It was a "WILLINGNESS"
beyond any willingness I have ever done.
It was willingness to deal with what I never wanted to deal with.
AND I HAVE NOT ONLY SURVIVED !!!!! I have GROWN
None of this may make any sense to you.... and that is okay.
It makes ALL the sense in the world to ME.
You may be wondering if I have reached the depths of my soul ... no.. not yet.
BUT... I have taken what felt like a GIANT step ... but in reality ... it was a mere baby step to finding the "emotional and spiritual" solution to my compulsive overeating.
BABY STEPS.... that is what is required to get to your goals.
I had been unwilling to take another step in my emotional GROWTH about this one specific area of my life.
... what a wonderful word. It means we do not have to be 'ALL' wise ... or 'ALL' knowing ... or to be 'at' our goals. We can GROW our way there.
I have taken a step in growth tonight.
I have faced fears that I was unwilling to face before.
I found willingness I had never had before.
I have progressed instead of stalled in this limbo I have been in for years.
I always knew there was this problem ... but being "unwilling" to do anything about the problem kept me in a state of limbo.
I kept thinking... "Why dig deeper when I am not willing to do anything about it?"
Tonight I found the willingness to DO.
I am rambling now ... even for me.
I know this makes no sense.... but trust me.... I HAVE GROWN TONIGHT .
And I wanted to share my joy with you. I FACED my fears and walked where I have never walked before.
AND I not only survived this deep
soul search... I THRIVED !!!