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Old 08-28-2012, 01:45 AM   #1
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Default Hard to know where to start

but you have to start somewhere right?

I guess you can say I hit rock bottom about 5 weeks ago, although dh has said sorry it still hurts and my mind still wanders.

My best friend (call her S) came with us to our cabin (mind you I am not upset with S and S did nothing wrong, I have been best friends with her for 25 years) anyway, she is a year younger then me, but very skinny, long blond hair and yes she is a cutie.

Well after a fun weekend, we get home on Sunday and dh goes "I want to tell you something but you will probably get hurt or mad" well duh now I have to know, I say just say it he goes "I wish you would lose some weight" it was like a slap in the face, now yes I do need to lose some weight (we both do but I WOULD never tell dh that, I love him for him) but what stung more is he says is after a weekend that S is at the cabin. We did talk about it 3 or so weeks later and he doesn't expect me to get as skinny as S (another slap in the face) also the fact I found out he told her that his dad thinks she is hot and that she sent a picture to dh (this was for his co-worker C who we have been trying to hook her up with and it was just a normal photo she sent it to me asking if it was ok enough) and dh says to the effect "god dam you are so fiffin hot" (mind you he doesn't know I know he said this) it just really hurts and again this is not S fault and I trust her completely, I know for a fact she would never mess with anyone's hubs or bf etc, one I know tried and she told him off and told his wife, so yes I trust her.

It still just hurts and I am not sure how to get past it.

I have started back to the gym as my first step, I just go between being depressed then to pissed then back to depressed etc.

Thanks for letting me vent.

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Old 08-28-2012, 06:07 AM   #2
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I'm sure he loves you for you, but he would find you more attractive if you lost some weight. It's hurtful but honest, and it sounds like he tried to be tactful. Think of it this way: if you had a piece of spinach in your teeth and were at a party, would you rather be told or not told? Your husband is giving you a chance to become his hot babe again. Consider putting your resentment aside and taking him up on his suggestion. You may both end up happier!

JMHO Freelance
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Old 08-28-2012, 08:02 AM   #3
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I disgree with Freelancemomma.

He hurt you by telling S, ""god dam you are so fiffin hot"" and I think the fear that he may cheat on you -- with S or someone else is there.

My concern is that you're now heading on this journey to lose weight and try to look like S -- but you may never look like S. And if your motivation is to not lose your husband... again, that's not the right way of looking at this journey because that's just temporary motivation. What happens after that?

If hearing your husband tell your friend that she's really hot and that he wishes you looked like her is a way of finally getting you to do something you've been putting off -- losing weight and working out -- then, that can be your last straw.

But don't let that be your only motivator. It won't last and you don't want to become a yo-yo dieter.

Maybe you need to tell your husband that what he said hurt your feelings, but you're going to start eating healthy and working out because this is what you want to do for yourself. He needs to be on board with that -- his support will help you or hinder you, so make sure he's on board.

Good luck. I am sorry that this happened to you. Feeling compared to someone else is never easy.
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Old 08-28-2012, 10:46 AM   #4
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I'll just say this- men are NOT good at expressing themselves sometimes. Obviously it is not an easy task for anyone to comment or suggest something about another persons weight, especially if they love you and do not want to hurt you. That being said, the way in which he suggested you lose weight (right after a trip with your thin friend) was ill-timed and not very sensitive of your feelings. Like other posters said, make sure you are in this journey for yourself or else you will be headed down a path of resentment with your husband. So sorry that you were hurt!
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Old 08-28-2012, 12:06 PM   #5
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Thank you all for the kind words, I know dh wasn't trying to purposely hurt me, he is just a man and like most wasn't thinking, but where I was already down about my weight before this, it didn't help.

I know I will never look like S and that is not my goal (her body structure is way different then mine so no way I would) I need to lose a good 75 plus pounds and I just want to be fit and toned, I am not expecting to be model skinny, it won't happen, fit and toned would be ideal.

I think partly why I didn't go to the gym right away or do anything I was hurt and I knew that was not a productive way to start the journey, I want to get in shape for me (not for him) and that could be way I put off doing anything after he said it, I wasn't going to let him think because of what he said I was just going to jump right on the bandwagon.

I did start back to the gym last week, mainly did cardio, this week I am adding in some weights. The eating healthy will be my hardest thing.
I will have to search around here and read posts and find some good tips which I am sure you all have had.

I am still hurt by what he said, but since he did say he was sorry for how he handled it I know it is not right to take it out on him and I am sure as time goes on the hurt from what he said will go away.

I did lose 2.5 pounds this last week which I didn't think I lost any since I was mainly concretrating on getting back to the gym first. I am not sharing what I have lost (or gain) but you guys. I

My worse habit is soda pop and I am trying to quit that, that will be hard since I do not like coffee or tea, but if I slowly wean off (which I was told was the best way to do it) I hope the headaches won't to bad that way.
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Old 08-28-2012, 12:24 PM   #6
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It should be COMMON SENSE not to compare your wife with someone you both know personally - that will not only affect your relationship as a couple but also put a strain on the wife's friendship with her friend. I'm so sorry your husband acted in such a way - I'd be very upset too, and it would be hard to get over it.

I echo everyone else's sentiments so far; get healthy and eat right for YOU, not for anyone else.

Meanwhile, is your husband doing anything to lose weight or get in shape?
Push on some more!

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Old 08-28-2012, 01:23 PM   #7
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Lets face it..guys can be insensetive at times and they arent always the best when it comes to saying things..sometimes they lact tact or gentleness... So while he said it in a very blunt way and probably wasnt thinking about how emotional it was going to make you feel...his intention was probably not to hurt you...

As far as the comment about S...im not sure that calling someone `fing hot`is really that much of a compliment in my opinion...If you want a real compliment try `beautiful`... When i think hot .. i just think `guy wants to take girl to bed or thinks she is a $lut` Either way..its not flattering IMO..
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Old 08-28-2012, 01:25 PM   #8
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Dh has been losing weight some weight, although not the right way but he won't listen to me, guess what he is doing so far is working. He has a very physical job during the day so that is his exercise, but he goes ALL day without eating, he does drink just black coffee throughout the day and drinks water so of course when he gets home in the evening he is famished, he doesn't overeat every night but still it can't be healthy and I don't know how he can go all day without eating and what makes it more maddening he is losing weight (not thatI don't want him too just that he can do it this way when that is not the norm) but I am proud of him and buy what foods he likes to have, we are eating more protein in the evenings and cutting down on carbs for dinner.
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Old 08-28-2012, 01:59 PM   #9
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Sorry this happened. How awful.

Along with everyone else's comments, I'd like to add that it is quite to your credit that you are continuing your long-time friendship with S! Many people would take the hurt out on the friend, even though she's not to blame.

The forum is wonderful for motivation! If you're looking for food tips, you'll find more here than you'll know what to do with. If you need help, need to vent, just give a shout.

Good luck and keep us posted!
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Old 08-28-2012, 02:20 PM   #10
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I'm sure he wasn't trying to be hurtful but I'm going to be honest and say that if my BF had over 75p to lose (if he was much thinner when we met) I'd probably say something too...minus comparing him to his "hot" friend which is insensitive but men aren't too sharp at times.

I'm sure some people will disagree with me but truthfully men are very visual..however, lose weight for you not because someone else tells you to.

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Old 08-28-2012, 02:28 PM   #11
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When something bothers us in a relationship, we are told we need to communicate with one another. I believe that should include physical appearances and that spouses should feel comfortable enough mentioning the issue. Well it would be inappropriate to FORCE or belittle someone, telling them that their weight is becoming an issue is completely appropriate and should be encouraged. Love is both emotional and physical.

However, as stated above, when having a thin friend and then being compared to them (or at least what seems to be compared to them), it can be very emotionally hurtful. The timing was definitely off, but men tend to not be the greatest with that sort of thing lol!

My husband as always been a hermit. He likes to sit at home, prefers to have very few friends and enjoys his weekends hanging out at home. That is his dream weekend. Festivals, hiking, visiting friends... he does all that stuff for me. He knows they are important to me as I have expressed that being at least somewhat social every month is crucial to our relationship. When I was first concerned about us sitting at home all the time or me having to go out only with friends and never doing ANYTHING other then hanging at home with my husband, I was told to talk to him about it as communication is the key to a relationship. Yet, somehow people think weight issues are different but they are not. His hermitness was a personal issue, just like weight is a personal issue but both can effect your partner.

This is why I believe losing weight can be for both you AND him. As long as the person isn't forcing you to change and that you yourself WANT to change, either for you or to make him happy, then I believe there is nothing wrong with saying that you are doing it for the both of you.

I love my husband will all of my heart and loves me. Just like I am sure is the same for your marriage. If he didn't want to change, I wouldn't have forced him, but we both agreed it was a fair compromise, just as I believe at least some weight loss is fair if it is effecting any part of the relationship.

139:February 27th, 2013
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Old 08-28-2012, 04:14 PM   #12
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I'm sorry that happened. It's like a big slap in the face. My bf's friend said to him that I was "short, fat and ugly". And my bf told me this...I was soooo hurt by it and 4 years later, I still am frustrated by it..It sucks but I've realized I need to let go of it because the only opinion that matters is what I think. And the worst part is..I am not that short, I know I am not an ugly person(beauty is what you make of it) and I have always been a little chubby--who was that guy to say his opinion of me.

Anyway, everyone is right that you need to do this for YOU and You only! Do not start working out because your husband says he wants it. For you to succeed it needs to be for the right reasons.

I personally think he owes you more than just an apology. Words hurt and he should have known there are different ways to go about "saying" that.. for example:just start getting busy, getting you both active, making healthy foods for you. He is grown up and should act like it.
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