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Tune in for a good laugh.......add a few of your own

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Old 04-09-2003, 06:15 PM   #1
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Default Tune in for a good laugh.......add a few of your own

just a thread to post funny stories, quotes, and jokes.
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Old 04-09-2003, 06:26 PM   #2
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Default The fine art of scalesmanship

when you start a new diet, it is well to remember that the bathroom scale is not your enemy. Used correctly, it can be a source of inspiration and reassurance-a stauch ally in your yearly crusade against flab. just keep these six basic rules in mind:

1. Weigh only once a week. If the news is good, you'll have more reason to celebrate; if not, you'll have seven days to recover. Besides, you mustn't let your scale think you don't trust it.

2. avoid violence. never take your frustrations out on a poor little machine. anybody who would demolish an honest scale just for doing its job belongs in a padded cell. or, better yet, a padded bathroom!

3. strip naked as a jaybird. The scale doesn't care how much your clothes weigh-it's only interested in your bod. But there's no reason to feel embarrassed about that. A good scale never snickers.

4. approach your scale confidently. smile big. whistle a few bars of your favorite song. never let the scale know you're worried.

5. never weigh at night. as any scale will tell you, even the skiniest people turn into lardos after 9:00 a.m.

6. don't fudge. it never pays to try to outwit your scale by keeping one foot on the floor or holding on to the shower-curtain rod while weighing. scales know all the tricks and, sooner or later, they'll get you for that kind of nonsense.
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Old 04-09-2003, 06:38 PM   #3
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Default Things not to say to someone on a diet

"you're really going to eat that!?! Yuch!"

"Look at that lady over there eating that big slice of cherry pie. Tsk. Tsk."

"Cheating won't hurt. After all, it's only a small scoop."

and last but not least-after a friend has lost ten pounds: "you look great! I know what's different. you've cut your hair"


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Old 04-09-2003, 07:13 PM   #4
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Default Did you hear the one about the reducing salon that advertises:

REAR TODAY-GONE TOMMORROW?
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Old 04-09-2003, 07:14 PM   #5
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OVEREATING IS THE DESTINY THAT SHAPES OUR ENDS.
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Old 04-09-2003, 07:19 PM   #6
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How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
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Old 04-10-2003, 12:31 AM   #7
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I never met a carbohydrate I didn't like.
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"Thou shalt not grovel before the bathroom scale."
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Old 04-10-2003, 01:47 AM   #8
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Default ARRGH!

"You have such a pretty face, but you could lose some of that butt." (DUH..I'm working on it!)

"Oh my God, you EAT that stuff?!" (pertaining to my peas, lettuce, and tuna salad, my specialty)

"Turn off the lights, we don't own stock in the electric company." (mom's favorite)

"Here, finish this." (Mom asking me to 'clean up' some dinner leftovers, two hours after she commented on my butt getting larger. Go figure.)

"I'm on a seafood diet....I see food, I eat it" (I think this is Tigger and Noah's approach to eating)
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Old 04-10-2003, 08:25 AM   #9
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A woman of courage is one who gets on the scales while her friends are watching.
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Old 04-10-2003, 01:54 PM   #10
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I'm not overweight...I'm just height challenged!
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Old 04-14-2003, 04:28 AM   #11
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Default Diet tips

Take up jogging. But do not jog anywhere near a eighty-flavor ice-cream parlor:

Limit yourself to two cocktails per day. of course, what you drink at night is your own business!

eat plenty of celery because celery contains fewer calories than it takes to chew it up. Theoretically, if you eat enough, you'll dissappear. careful not to overdo it!!
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Old 04-20-2003, 08:35 PM   #12
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reducing machine-a machine that costs so much you have to starve yourself to keep up the payments.
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