Quote:
Originally Posted by krampus
Losing weight doesn't change who you are and all your "fat me" problems are probably just "me" problems.
^This. Self-confidence and a sense of self-worth don't come from being at a particular weight. I don't know what surefire ways of building them would be, but here are some ideas for the specific things you mentioned:
Awkwardness: You don't say whether you feel physically or socially awkward (or both). Either way, a good way to become more graceful is to practice the sorts of things you do awkwardly until they're not awkward for you anymore. This could be taking up a new sport (for physical awkwardness) or making a point of learning and practicing how to converse with people in whatever sorts of social situations make you feel awkward. Awkwardness would probably ensue, but it would also probably decrease over time as your skills improved. Practice makes (almost) perfect.
Public speaking: The way to become a confident public speaker is to practice public speaking. If there are classes or clubs at your college that focus on the development of public speaking skills, join them and participate. If there's a Toastmasters club in your area, you might want to check that out, too. Most people, regardless of weight, are not naturally confident public speakers. However, it's a skill that can be acquired and honed if you're willing to put the effort into learning and practicing how to do it, and if you're willing to accept criticism and advice from people who know what they're talking about. Practice makes (almost) perfect.
"Paranoia:" Two things you might do when you think people may be making disparaging comments about your weight or judging you harshly because of it:
1. Ask yourself "so what? Why does this upset me? Is this a reasonable criticism of me and something that it's worth getting upset about?" People can (and do) think and say whatever they want, no matter how ignorant or lacking in compassion they are or what ulterior motives they might have. You don't have to buy into their opinions (or even care about what they think or say) just because
they think they're right (or because they want you to believe that they're right). If, upon reflection, you decide that there is something that you want to change, sit down and chart out a path for making it happen in a way that will work for you, not how know-it-all Snippy and Snarky insist you have to do it.
2. Ask people what they said or what they're thinking. That's the best way to find out what they think about you (if they're thinking about you at all; most people are pretty focused on themselves). FWIW, I've been a lot happier since I took the view that anybody who has anything intelligent and helpful to say to me (even if it's hard to hear) will say it to my face, and that any unkind and ignorant comments that might be made about me behind my back are not a reflection on me (only on others' perceptions and beliefs) or something I can influence, and are therefore not worth worrying about.
Family: Put some distance between yourself and them, if you can. It'll just give you space to grow into yourself. Even if you can't move out (yet), allow yourself to recognize when they're being unrealistic, petty, or simply unhelpful. You're an adult, and you can hold your mental ground against their negative feedback.
Fashion blogs: Yeah, fashion media can be like that. That sort of stuff can be interesting and entertaining and there's a place for it, but it is kind of "fluffy." Do you do any volunteer work or actively support any causes (political, environmental, religious, etc.)? If you don't, you might find that helping out with some cause that interests you (especially one where you could work directly with other people) can help you stay grounded and help prevent you from getting overly fixated on your clothing or weight. In my experience, volunteers come in all shapes and sizes and they don't usually get hung up on how other volunteers look. What they do care about is having interested, honest, reliable people to help them. And if you're working with a group that serves those in crisis or in extreme need, like a suicide hotline or a food bank, you'll probably find that how you look doesn't matter to the people you're serving.
And when you feel embarrassed (about your weight or anything else), just roll with it. Embarrassment is a natural and, for most people, an unavoidable emotion. Note that that's how you're feeling, then focus on whatever task is in front of you. If there's something that you could reasonably have done to avoid the embarrassment (e.g., practicing a presentation you had to deliver instead of trying to wing it), just make a note of it and try to follow through the next time. Dwelling on feeling embarrassed won't change anything, it just sucks the enjoyment out of other activities.
I think that confidence comes, at least in part, from learning how to work through problems, whether they're physical, mental, or emotional. Being able to put feelings like embarrassment into perspective may make it easier for you to pursue the activities that you're interested in and help you develop a sense of confidence in your ability to manage your emotions (instead of them controlling you) and your ability to successfully overcome obstacles between you and your goals.
Free advice, for all it's worth.
Good luck!
