Oh, it's been one of those crazy months!
I really should be busy getting things done right now, but instead I'm taking a little break to do some reflecting.
At my weigh-in last week I reached my lowest point over of 12 years. Feels pretty good.
I also realized why I've felt so uncomfortable in 2X shirts in the past month or two . . . they're too big for me now! What makes it such a strange realization is that I've spent years searching for shirts that didn't "hug" my curves; anything that even remotely clung to my waist might, you know, let everyone see how fat I really am, so the baggier, the better.
How odd to now realize that it feels better to have something fit me properly! I feel lighter and stronger as I move around. I feel more agile and flexible. I have more energy and would almost even classify myself as "normal." I still have a long way to go, but no longer get anxieties over wanting the quickest, shortest route to thinness.
I weighed in the night before last and was greeted with a 2 pound gain. And it didn't completely devastate me like a small 1/4 pound gain did a few months ago. Oh, not that I was happy about it, but I just smiled and remembered the rare two slices of Little Caesar's pizza I had for lunch told myself I'll do better next week. I led our TOPS group for the night (I'm co-leader and have been taking over lately since our leader has been absent), and as we did roll call I got some funny reactions when I announced I'd gained (I've been losing pretty consistently for several months now so I think people have been extra watchful of me) but I didn't even flinch. And I went on to present my self-written program for the night that I'd themed around our inner child's perception of unfairness; i.e. "why did someone else get a bigger slice of cake than me?!"
and why it's important to listen to our grown-up selves when making decisions about our health. I also handed out worksheets I'd made up in hopes to change the negative concept of dieting into something more positive.
I think I kicked some major @$$.
Members told me they loved my program, saying I did a wonderful job, and even asked if I'm a "writer."
And once I was done I handed out samples of my sugar-free chocolate muffins along with the recipe, stating it's how I get a healthy chocolate fix every day (they contain ingredients like chia seeds and flax meal so they also have fiber and protein). They seemed a little wary after knowing the ingredients but everyone tried them and said they were good!
I've been on my new health kick since March, have lost approximately 25 pounds since then, and am well over 100 pounds down from my highest. Yet for the first time, it finally feels like it's falling into place. It's rather surreal to finally be in an XL after all those years of being a 2X or higher. It's even more surreal that I've been able to fit into 18 jeans after being in a 22/24 or higher most of my life. I can't tell you how many times I struggled to keep going because losing substantial amounts didn't necessarily make a difference in how my clothes fit (for example, when I was at 285 and had lost 20 more pounds, I still
couldn't fit into the next size down).
The thing was that it's been easy to feel that I was always destined to be fat, but I'm now getting a sense that my fate lies elsewhere. Meaning, I've got good habits down, they're making a difference, and I can do this. Even though there will be rough times ahead. Even though there will be challenges and bad days and hurt feelings, I can still keep moving forward. I didn't lose the weight like I wanted this week, in fact I gained, but it's not the end of the world!
We're packing up to move across town. We get the keys for our new place tomorrow! And I'll be in easy walking distance of my favorite grocery store, Fresh and Easy (I love their produce). I'm looking forward to getting organized in a bigger place and having a nicer kitchen to prepare our meals. I have a beautiful dog and a wonderful new puppy to take for walks. I have a very loving husband and a good life.
And here I am, 1001 posts into this journey. When I first started, I was out of breath when I tried walking from one end of the house to the other. I couldn't bend. Heck, I couldn't even fit into the largest jeans off the shelf of a plus size store. The future used to look dark and scary, but now it's full of hope and promise. I love going out to shop and look forward to the day I'm out of plus sizes for good. It hasn't been easy, but slowly getting my life back through hard work, eating better, exercise, and simply learning to believe in myself for the first time has been more than worth it. And I just wanted to share that.
I've already shared these photos in another thread, but I thought I'd add them here as well:
I'm at my highest on my left. The middle photo is from January, shortly before my March reboot, and the photo on the right is from last month. And one more . . .
From a men's 4X to a ladies' XL. Thank you for reading and for being my inspiration.
Now to get back to work!
ETA: as requested, I'm including the worksheet and the muffin recipe.
for the worksheet. I have it start on a Thursday since we weigh in on Wednesday nights. The six questions at the top are just something to review every day, and the chart itself should be self-explanatory. There's just two categories to fill out, plus a place to give yourself a star if you feel you've stayed on plan for the day.
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Double Chocolate Sugar-Free Muffins
1/4 Cup Jillian Michael's Whey Protein Powder (Vanilla) ♠
1/4 Cup Hershey's Dark Cocoa (unsweetened)
1/4 Cup Truvia ♠
1/8 Cup Nectresse ♠
1 Tablespoon Chia Seeds ♥
1 Tablespoon TVP (Textured Vegetable Protein) ♥
1 Tablespoon Ground Flax Seed Meal ♥
1 Tablespoon Psyllium Husk Powder ♥
1 teaspoon Baking Powder
1/4 Cup Hershey's Sugar-Free Chocolate Chips (divided into two equal parts) ♠
1/4 Cup of Chopped Walnuts
1/8 Cup of Olive Oil
1 Medium Egg
1/3 Cup Water
1 teaspoon Vanilla Extract
♥ = found in most health food stores
♠ = found at my local Walmart
Preheat the oven to 350°
Combine all the dry ingredients minus the walnuts and 1 part chocolate chips,
blend into a powdered mix using a food processor or blender. Pour the mix into
a bowl, adding the remaining chocolate chips and the walnuts. Add the oil, egg,
vanilla, and water, mixing by hand until blended.
Spoon the batter into 6 baking cups, and bake in preheated 350° oven for 25
minutes or until toothpick comes clean. Cool and enjoy. Makes 6 muffins.
Nutrition Info Per Muffin:
Dietary Fiber: 5.2 g
Sodium: 141.3 mg
Sugar: 0.8 grams (technically sugar-free)
*I've also divided up the batter into 24 mini-muffins at 325° for 20 minutes, and they sort of turn out like brownie bites. Four mini-muffins equals one serving.