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Dieting vs. Relationships?

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Old 07-27-2012, 01:22 AM   #1
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Default Dieting vs. Relationships?

Didnt quite know were to post this, but I was wondering..
Ever had a relationship were people were openly AGAINST you losing any weight?

I've always been an okay weight.. but I would really love to have some confidence in a bikini. However whenever I told any of my friends, they absolutly were against it. The comment I hear the most is "But your already skinny." I've even had people go so far as to try to switch my diet soda with normal soda in an attempt to keep my weight up.... They've all said when confronted they were just a little jellous. Thats fine, I feel the same way when one of them loses a few pounds, so I understood.

While that never really got to me the latest thing has been my boyfriend. We havent seen each other in a while, and I wanted to suprise him by droping a few pounds, but when he found out I've been going to the gym, he seemed upset. Finally I asked him, "do you not want me to drop the weight" he flat out said "I would hate it if you did." My boyfriends into curves, but hes also VERY unconfident, and I'm worried he secretly thinks I'll leave him if I look better (never would.) He's also a little uncomfurtable with his looks, and perhaps is worried at some point I'd outshine him? Or maybe he just likes the weight on me I've confronted him, hes never given a straight answer.

I've always wondered if anyone else has gone through with obsticals like this, and maybe reasons that you think it goes on? Any solutions?

--Cheers and Goodluck Ladies ♪

Last edited by lyssie : 07-27-2012 at 01:23 AM.
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Old 07-27-2012, 01:44 AM   #2
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I can't say I have, sorry. And unless the individual losing weight had mental health issues involved in their plans (like self harm, OCD, borderline issues, etc) I would be very skeptical of a partner who was vehemently opposed to moderate weight loss. That is a common form of control that some partners use on their significant other and raises a bit of a red flag for me.

It really depends on the couple and the spirit it is done in. Only you can answer whether your boyfriend is genuinely pleased with how you look (at your height your weight is well within healthy range, so I see what he is saying) and means this as a compliment, or whether he is wrongly trying to manipulate you through body image issues. But it does make a big difference - one is sweet, the other is a sign I'd take to hit the ground running.
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Old 07-27-2012, 03:19 AM   #3
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Only you can answer whether your boyfriend is genuinely pleased with how you look (at your height your weight is well within healthy range, so I see what he is saying) and means this as a compliment, or whether he is wrongly trying to manipulate you through body image issues. But it does make a big difference - one is sweet, the other is a sign I'd take to hit the ground running.
Totally agree with this. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Unless there are underlying mental health issues with the person trying to lose weight, (not that I'm trying to suggest this is you!) I don't see anything wrong with it. I think the "I would hate it if you did" response is a bit strange, unless losing x amount of weight would make you unhealthy. I can absolutely understand he might be more attracted to you at the weight you are now and not want you to do it for those reasons, but I think his answer would have been phrased differently. If he knew it would make you happier/more content, why not leave the decision up to you? I am inclined to agree with your thinking that he's worried you'll lose the weight, and then you'll leave him or be more critical of how he looks. Maybe he feels you are "equals" now and if you lose weight, you won't be anymore. But obviously I don't know him! Is he overweight? And if he's never given a straight answer, to me that suggests something a bit less straightforward than "I think you look best at this weight."

I've never had anyone do this to me, but I'd be furious if my friends starting swapping my drinks around - no matter how skinny I was!
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Old 07-27-2012, 10:55 AM   #4
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I've never been in a relationship where anyone has been that openly against weight loss, or even gain. I think I'd be pretty ticked if someone were so opposed to my weight loss that they switched my drinks! I'm really surprised at the audacity!

Just don't let your boyfriend define your goals. It's possibly he's attracted to you the way you are, and he can't imagine you thinner. We all have our preferences and certain looks we're attracted to. But long term, you want to know you're with a guy who can love you if you're fat or thin, or whatever shape you happen to be in at whatever stage in your life you are in.
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Old 07-27-2012, 11:21 AM   #5
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Argh not everyone goes to the gym just to lose weight. Some people go to gain weight or just to stay in shape. Does your boyfriend not get this?

Maybe he does prefer you a certain shape, but stating he would HATE if you lost weight suggests it's his issue, not yours. Hopefully he'll be able to communicate his feelings fully on the subject soon. Meanwhile...I guess the path of least resistance would be to talk up the non-salad things you eat if he asks about it, and keep things quietish while continuing to go to the gym.
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Old 07-27-2012, 11:29 AM   #6
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You know, call me crazy, but maybe these people are worried about you. I'm an inch shorter, and weigh 10 pounds more than you, and am fairly muscular. My husband, friends AND doctor have all told me that I am at an optimal weight. Many have expressed their opinion and have suggested that I do not attempt to lose more and at first I thought everyone was jealous...lol. I have gotten to your current weight a couple times and finally "got it" when looking back at pictures of myself. I LOOKED TERRIBLE, so I now can understand where these people were coming from. I can only imagine how bony and boyish I'd look at 120. MAYBE there is no jealousy or envy OR ulterior motive involved. MAYBE, you look GREAT exactly how you are and trying to get lower makes these people think you have some sort of body dysmorphic thing going on. Actually there are not many men who are sexually attracted to ultra skinny girls. MOST men, like girls who won't break.

Anyway, my 2 cents and only my humble opinion.

Last edited by Lori Bell : 07-27-2012 at 11:37 AM. Reason: lots of screw ups..lol
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Old 07-27-2012, 11:49 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by lyssie View Post
...My boyfriends into curves, but hes also VERY unconfident, and I'm worried he secretly thinks I'll leave him if I look better (never would.) He's also a little uncomfurtable with his looks, and perhaps is worried at some point I'd outshine him? Or maybe he just likes the weight on me I've confronted him, hes never given a straight answer.

I've always wondered if anyone else has gone through with obsticals like this, and maybe reasons that you think it goes on? Any solutions?

--Cheers and Goodluck Ladies ♪
My first husband was like this. He was very jealous and insecure.

When I had lost A LOT of weight and was looking good his friends were way more interested in me. One actually told him that if he got tired of me that he would "take me". Really? Yeah, women LOVE being treated like a possession. Anyway, he told me later that when he was bragging on how much weight I had lost and how good I was looking and his friends at work were telling him that there was another guy. Women only suddenly get in shape if they are leaving. Stuff like that.

I could tell he was trying to sabotage my weight by making me food I would not eat, bringing home donuts and ice cream. I told him I thought he was trying to sabotage me & he said that he was! He said that he liked me better fatter and that I was gearing up to leave him or seeing some other guy on the side. Yeah, I am not perfect but I am 100% faithful when I'm in a relationship. He constantly accused me of cheating. He would argue with me about what I could leave the house in, not that I was dressing like a h*.

We got divorced because HE ended up cheating on me.

I think it is based in insecurity. I am remarried and I have never been happier. He is literally the perfect match for me and I am starting to get the same vibe from him. Well, he says I am going to get all hot & leave him for a specific person. Actually the specific person is our neighbor who has never paid me the slightest interest but that is another story.

I really just think it all boils down to them being afraid you will be better looking and leave them for a better looking man.

If your man had a previous girlfriend who had an eating disorder or grew up watching someone battle an eating disorder, I would really think that he was just concerned. But otherwise, I would suspect he is insecure.
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Old 07-27-2012, 11:56 AM   #8
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If you want to look better in a bikinii losing weight is not what you want.

You should lift heavy weights. Consider reading NROL Abs
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Old 07-27-2012, 12:15 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnP View Post
If you want to look better in a bikinii losing weight is not what you want.

You should lift heavy weights. Consider reading NROL Abs
listen to this man. Lifting heavy weights will make you look better at the same weight
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Old 07-27-2012, 12:23 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnP View Post
If you want to look better in a bikinii losing weight is not what you want.

You should lift heavy weights. Consider reading NROL Abs
Totally agree. But you might also check out NROL Life. (It's newer and the training plans are customizable.)
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Old 07-27-2012, 12:37 PM   #11
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I strongly echo their suggestions (JohnP, Sontaikle and DietVet) because it seems that you want to change your body since you don't feel confident about your body which is already at a normal weight.

Lifting weights makes your body look better by lowering some of your bodyfat, giving you some muscles and all at the same weight too!
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Old 07-27-2012, 02:06 PM   #12
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First off, thank you to all of you!! I'm so happy with all the lovely advice!
Heads up, not so sure how to quote yet, so sorry in advance!

Lets start off with the friends/my weight side. Alot of you have commented on the fact that because I am in the normal range, maybe I should try to do weights, not lose weight.. I was already thinking about adding some weight training to my stregnth training, and you guys have deffinaltally convinced me Many of my friends/other family members had the same mantra, becaue your in the "normal" range, you shouldnt loose any weight. Many of them have come up to me and told me they were worried I was going to bring myself to being unhealthy, or too obsesed. That was always sweet of them, and I would do the same for them. However, even though I am in the healthy weight range, when I'm that heavy, its the result of months of overeating (well beyond 3000 calories) and lazing around. Though blessed with a healthy metabolism, I'm still not doing all that great. My parents were worried I was making myself sick with all the food.. I went from running 8 min miles, to barely finishing one (panting heavily, face red, ect ect) at 9:40. Normally with the right eating habits, and just average exercise, I drop to 120-125.. I wouldnt say 120 is my goal, its my bare min, and I would feel better about myself being at a healthy weight for me, I also have volleyball this fall, so I have to go through rigourus training, which boost the metabolism even more.. but thank you for the concern!
- Twinieten, thank you for all your advice The friend who switched the soda mostly worried me more than ticked me off, but she was always known to go over the top to the extreme. Later she got some help, and was diagnosed as bipolar, so shes a lot more calm about these things after treatment.
-Ms. Lorie Bell, my gosh, you look fantastic!! Congrats on your goal, your maintianing, and thank you for telling evreyone that yes, a little curve is cute
-Artic Mama, I like your thoughtful perspective on all of this, and I totally agree a partner should be behind you, and that you should watchout for those who arent Congrats on your pregnancy by the way

Now to the other side of this conversation, the beau. Thank you all for the advice about doing what I wanted to do. That was my original plan, but I was a little put off by his lack of enthusiasm. He was saying very kind things such as "if it makes you happy I'm happy with you at whatever weight" and I know he would think me beautiful non the less. He's an amazing partner. But he just didnt seem that happy about me going to the gym (he thought it was for volleyball at first, but pieced together the weight part, can't hide too much from him.) I finally asked him to not hold back and tell me exactally what he thought about me losing the weight. Thats why he was a little blunt (and later admits overdramatic.) We talked agian last night about it, and he finally gave me his reasoning. First off, he does love the curves. He says the idea of me not loving them, and trying to rid myself of them was a little heartbreaking, he would rather me learn to love my body as it is. The other bit was, yes, insecurites. Always thought I was a little to good for him (silly boy,) and hasnt always had a great time with confidence about himself (we've been working on that.) He was worried if I lost more weight, and gained some confidence, It would make the feeings worse. He's also admited a lot of people have been constantly badgering him with the idea if I lose the weight I'll leave him.. He said although he never truely belived that, it still hurt to hear that over and over, and to think that evreyone thought he wouldnt be good enough for me at that point.. That broke my heart. Hes amazing. The worst part is it was his own family ):

We talked things over, and hes done a total 180. He thinks the confidence boost will make me even more beautiful, and as long as I'm happy and healthy, hes in total support of me. Were even talking about budding up when I get back from vacay, so that he can feel better about himself too
-Poppy201, Thankyou for the thoughtful coments! We've been dating ten months, but were close friends before this, so we've always been a little to blent with each other :P
- To I am the glue. My dear, that was both the most heartbreaking yet insperational story I've heard in a while. I'm so sorry he was that un supportive, and caused that much damage, yet so impressed that you were strong and independent, and made it through! You sound so happy with your new more supportive trusting partner Good luck, thank you so much for sharing!!
-Krampus, good advice on how to temp deal with a non supportive person in your life.. sometimes its just best to not bring up the subject

So, now that my support problems are solved, I'd still love to hear more stories about people who were un supportive in your journey (for good or bad.) and how it affected you or what you learned for it!

--Good luck to all, and once agian thank you bunches ♪
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Old 07-27-2012, 02:40 PM   #13
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Alot of you have commented on the fact that because I am in the normal range, maybe I should try to do weights, not lose weight...However, even though I am in the healthy weight range, when I'm that heavy, its the result of months of overeating (well beyond 3000 calories) and lazing around.
Just FYI, heavy lifting with a solid diet will help you to lose fat and to gain muscle. You'll wind up with far less body fat and be stronger, fitter, and hotter looking.
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Old 07-27-2012, 02:44 PM   #14
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Thank you so much DietVet!! I bet it will help with volleyball too! I've heard great things about lifting
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Old 07-27-2012, 05:55 PM   #15
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It's obviously your choice to lose weight or not.

That being said, your goal weight is extremely close to an unhealthy BMI for your height. Again, your choice, but women that small tend to be an entirely different body type and have health risks.

I mention this not to insult or dissuade you, but to suggest that maybe it's not the actual number of pounds that is causing your discomfort with your body. Perhaps there's another reason; perhaps you don't see yourself the way others see you.


Maybe a good compromise is to get more fit rather than losing weight. That way, you can get rid of some of the remaining fat and firm up without totally sacrificing your body shape and risking your health. Even if your goal is fitness and not scale-related, you can always stay right here on 3fc!
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Last edited by kelly315 : 07-27-2012 at 05:56 PM.
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