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Did you date at your HW or at a weight you were really uncomfortable with?

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Old 07-12-2012, 12:19 PM   #16
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I've been overweight my whole life up until now. My HW was 185, and though it doesn't sound very high, I was around 5'1 when I weighed that much. It didn't sit well on me I guess, and the rest of my appearance was kind of neglected because I was fat and figured no one would even notice the other flaws, because being fat was bad enough already.

I'm only 16, so it's not like I've had a lot of opportunity to date, but I've yet to have a boyfriend/first kiss/whatever. At my HW, a boy would see me for a second and I could just feel the friend-zone coming in all around me. Dating, it seemed to me, wasn't a thing normal people did, but a thing movie-star-good-looking people did and them only. I obviously didn't fall into that category and I didn't even think I'd get a boyfriend ever in my entire life.

Then I met a guy who seemed to show interest in me, but I couldn't bring myself to show too much interest back because I knew I didn't have the confidence for a relationship. So I decided to lose weight, because I wanted to like myself enough for others to like me. He and I drifted apart (sad thing, actually) but I'm infinitely more confident and people show interest in me, they smile at me, they casually flirt with me... it's almost surreal. I don't think I'll ever be a 'casual dater' but I sure am not objecting to casual attention.

I guess my point is like what everyone else said, no one will date a fat girl who spends all of her time wallowing in self-pity. No one is really inclined to date a thin girl who wallows in self-pity either. I knew I could never be confident with all my extra weight, so I've worked to get rid of it. Now I'm gaining confidence. A fat girl can definitely score if she is confident and makes an effort to look presentable (make-up if it makes you look better, combing hair, showering, etc.).
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Old 07-17-2012, 03:59 AM   #17
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Thanks for your responses, ladies! I'm pretty sure my brain is the main thing getting in my way, but I'm not sure if that's good or bad news :|

I wish I had the confidence so many of you have! I've just never known how to be happy in my body. Even when I lost a bunch of weight and was well in the "healthy" range, I hid all the time and felt like no one would be interested in me. And now that I'm this size, I guess I feel the same way except now it's closer to the truth.

amandag13, you said you dated at your higher weights — did the men you dated only date heavier women?

pixelllate, I know what you mean. I don't want to date at this weight, either, mostly for the reasons you mentioned. I just wish It was more of an option.

For those of you who have lost a lot of weight and starting dating someone long-term after you lost it, what is it like? Do you openly acknowledge that you were once very overweight, or do you try to hide old pictures, etc.? One of the things that makes me most anxious is that even if I manage to lose the weight, and then even if I manage to get to a point emotionally where I feel content with myself, I'm afraid I'm never going to be able to escape all the fat in my life.

carbstart, that's helpful, thanks. I think on a smaller scale I experience what you're talking about — when I'm eating healthier and losing weight, I seem happier and a little bit more confident, and I think more strangers talk to me when that's the case. I just can never seem to sustain it.

kaplods, I'm impressed with your ad story. I can't imagine ever having the courage to place an ad or sign up for a dating site, but I always hear great stories like yours that show it really can work.

chubbygirl, thanks for your story, too. I think I have a poor image of men who prefer larger women, which I'm sure is directly related to my poor image of myself. I always worry that the only guys who will like me are ones who are "into girls like me." On the one hand I don't know that I'd want to date someone who only dated girls with brown hair, either, but on the other hand, I acknowledge how sad it is that I'm convinced it's not ok to think someone like me is attractive.

I think I need a therapist
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:58 PM   #18
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PARADISE FALLS ....

the men i started to date were mostly always with thinner girls, but that never made me fell bad at all.. like they say, if you feel sexy thats the way people will see u .. not every1 though .. jijii ... if you can work the body you're in you will acomplish alot of things .. dont be shy or even scared to try something new keep your head up and never look down .. ...
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Old 07-18-2012, 02:07 PM   #19
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My highest weight was 181 and I still dated around some. I met two or three guys but it never worked out. I don't think it was due to my weight, they never said anything, but who knows?

I personally feel that weight has more of an impact on online dating than it does on offline dating because, generally, when people go on dating sites they register with a checklist in mind and standards are fairly high. It's not natural, things rarely develop comfortably, it's usually rushed or artificial if anything happens at all. Now, that's not to say that it never works - it does - but it has a low success rate and I fully believe that looks are involved well over 50% of the time. As a result, I feel like I need to drop at least 10 more pounds before I'd be "worth it" to most guys...fortunately, I wouldn't want to be "worth it" to them anymore.

However, offline, I feel like if you get to sit down with a person and talk, sometimes things develop just because the other person's personality is so wonderful it can't be helped. I know a couple of people who are somewhat heavier or not really what you'd called "model beautiful" but their personalities are so great it didn't matter.
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Old 07-18-2012, 02:13 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ParadiseFalls View Post
kaplods, I'm impressed with your ad story. I can't imagine ever having the courage to place an ad or sign up for a dating site, but I always hear great stories like yours that show it really can work.

The first personal ad I wrote and placed wasn't an act of courage, it was an act of cowardice. I had been having a lot of trouble flirting with guys - even those who were obviously flirting with me, because I was so afraid to admit I was flirting (in case I was mistaken and they weren't really attracted to me, they were just being nice).

I decided I needed practice with guys I KNEW 100% sure were interested in me - thus the personal ad was the most logical choice. It was also anonymous.

And after all that work, I didn't have the nerve to respond to any of the responses I got to my ad, even though some of the guys sounded really nice and some of those who sent photos were really cute, but I didn't have the nerve to respond to any of them, and it was a couple years before I got up the nerve to place a second ad (and I wrote letters - this was before the internet - to several of the guys - using a post-office box and using my middle name instead of my first name just in case the guys were nut-jobs).

I built up my courage with practice, taking bigger and bigger "risks" (though always being safety conscious like using a P.O. Box, meeting in public with a friend or family member knowing where I was, not giving out my full name or phone number until I felt I knew the guy a little better...).

Whether through personal ads or in everyday real life, flirting and dating takes practice, and it's always scary at first - until you try bit by bit, and begin to see that the world doesn't usually come crashing down if you make some mistakes.
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Old 07-18-2012, 02:14 PM   #21
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I met (and got engaged) to my fiance at my highest weight. Heck, my daughter was 1 at the time, so I even had (and still have) a stomach full of stretch marks! In the past he has dated women of all sizes (I'm the biggest) and I know that he thinks I am beautiful and sexy. I have always had pretty good self esteem and been able to "carry" my weight well, so that definitely played a roll. I think people in general are attracted to people who are comfortable with themselves and are having a good time.

When you are ready, you will find the right person!

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