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Old 06-21-2012, 10:03 AM   #1
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Default Feeling pathetic, ashamed, and fed up

I want to apologise in advance for this post! It's really negative and self-pitying, but I just want to get this stuff off my chest.

I've lost quite a bit of weight in the past (I was about 220lbs at my heaviest) and the last time I was regularly posting on 3FC, I was only a matter of pounds away from my initial goal weight of 150lbs. Over the past year, I've gained weight, and I can really notice it - I've probably about 15-20 pounds or so (I'm around 170lbs now). It makes me feel so depressed. I feel like it was quite tough to lose the weight, particularly when I got nearer my goal, and I am so disappointed in myself for allowing myself to get heavier again.

I just feel SO fed up with always having to think about my weight, food, my appearance, etc. I feel like for most of my adult life, there hasn't been a single day that's been totally free from thoughts about those sorts of things. I WISH I could just feel "normal" when it comes to food, rather than having to think about it all the time. I am tired and fed up of being unhappy with my appearance and worried about my health.

Sometimes I feel like I'm almost obsessed with food. I love eating and I seem to think about food so much of the time. It's got nothing to do with hunger, but more to do with the idea/taste/sensation of eating. For instance, I know my boyfriend will be really late home this evening and so we'll be eating dinner separately, and almost as soon as he mentioned this, my mind leapt to all of the junk/takeaway food that I could secretly eat because he was out of the house. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself - I would be so embarrassed if anyone knew that's how my mind worked. Ironically, I almost feel like this has spoiled my enjoyment of food sometimes, because I am so unhappy with my weight I feel guilty when I do (legitimately) enjoy a treat (e.g., a meal out with friends) - I know if I was healthier and ate well most of the time, I'd be able to enjoy these sorts of indulgences more fully. I've got other habits too - I try to avoid keeping unhealthy snacks in the house, but instead I just eat handfuls and handfuls of cereal every time I'm in the kitchen. Or sometimes, when I'm preparing dinner and about to serve up (i.e., I do NOT need to snack), I end up eating a huge slice of white bread slathered in butter - listening out to check that my boyfriend isn't about to come in, and hiding it in a cupboard if I hear him about to come into the kitchen. It's SO embarrassing and unecessary and I'd be mortified to be caught out.

I feel as though I am so feeble when it comes to being disciplined and consistent. For instance, I can eat pretty well, but then rather than saying no to a slice of cake for pudding in the evening, I'll eat it because it's there - knowing full well that the 300-400 cals it contains will just totally wipe out the calorie deficit I'd worked for that day, and any resulting weight loss. It would be fine if this happened occasionally (e.g., once a fortnight or so), but I feel so "stuck" at the moment with my weight because on one hand, I try to eat well, but I'm really not trying even a fraction hard as I know I could, and I keep wiping out any achievements I make by failing to say no to extra indulgences or bingeing on snacks because they're there - and this is happening more days than not.

I've been in this state of limbo for the past six months or so - feeling really unhappy with my weight gain, really noticing my weight gain in terms of how my clothes fit and the shape of my face - but at the same time, my motivation to actually be strict with myself has been appalling. It's even more galling because I know I've done it in the past and can do it again - I'm just struggling this time. It makes me feel so pathetic that I'm just not trying very hard, but at the same time, feeling unhappy and not really doing much to try to change that.

Sorry for such a rant - I don't mind at all if no-one reads this, I just wanted to get this off my chest!
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:23 AM   #2
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I feel as though I am so feeble when it comes to being disciplined and consistent. For instance, I can eat pretty well, but then rather than saying no to a slice of cake for pudding in the evening, I'll eat it because it's there - knowing full well that the 300-400 cals it contains will just totally wipe out the calorie deficit I'd worked for that day, and any resulting weight loss. It would be fine if this happened occasionally (e.g., once a fortnight or so), but I feel so "stuck" at the moment with my weight because on one hand, I try to eat well, but I'm really not trying even a fraction hard as I know I could, and I keep wiping out any achievements I make by failing to say no to extra indulgences or bingeing on snacks because they're there - and this is happening more days than not.
I so do this too. Very frustrating. I have also find myself doing two very stupid things that I need to work on. Eating junk when no one can see me and drinking more during the week.

For some of your obsessive food thoughts try checking out Overeaters Anonymous (OA) or maybe see a counselor.

Hang in there hun. You are not alone.
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Old 06-21-2012, 11:11 AM   #3
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Oh my gosh

It sounds like you're stuck in a negative cycle and it's feeding a depression or something, which feeds in to the need to feed and so on. It's circular and tough to get out of!

I'd like to let you in on something. Not all skinny people are skinny because they're lucky. They have to work at it! They have to think about what they eat and exercise! My very good skinny friend used to be fat. She weighs herself every day, eats healthy every day and exercises 3-4 days a week. She thinks about it, every day. There are plenty of skinny people who eat whatever they want and stay skinny, but there are plenty more who think about it and work hard to maintain their beautiful skinniness.

My supervisor at work, you know she's never been fat? She says she's been the same weight her entire married life, around 30 years or something like that. She does it by weighing herself, and each time she gets above her weight by 4 pounds, she does what she calls a 3 day diet.

So you see, a lot of skinny-minnies work at it!

The idea of always thinking about food for a lifetime is daunting. Isn't it? To always think about what you eat and how much and what you weight... forever??? Seriously??? Having been up and down in my weight, gaining when I'm not dieting only to diet again, I am well aware of this. I'm up for the task. I swear, I will never do this again!

It sounds like you could use a little help. I'm glad you're here. What you're doing, I used to do too. I still do it sometimes- Eat junk when no one is around, and hide that I've done it. You sound like an alcoholic hiding your drink. I just wonder if you could use a little professional help in the way of counseling, just to try to break you out of the cycle.

The fact that you've come here and put it out there is huge! You know what you're doing, and you realize you're doing it, you've put it out there and maybe you can get back on track and lose that weight again.
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Old 06-21-2012, 11:24 AM   #4
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Hi poster! You are so brave to speak the truth in this public forum. It is not easy to admit to these secrets. The more you can put it out there, the better. The more you can bring your binges or bites or extra snacks out into the open, the better. Secret shame amplifies the issue and, at least in my case, makes me want to eat more. For instance, I want a huge, gigantic bowl of ice cream with all of the fixings. I will challenge myself to enjoy it, slowly in front of my husband instead of shoving it into my mouth when he's not looking or out of the house. Do I feel guilty as heck because I went off plan? Oh yeah, but it lessens the shame of being secretive. I don't know if this will help at all. Just know that people like you are out there. Like me. Hugs.
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Old 06-21-2012, 12:00 PM   #5
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Hey, forgive yourself. Accept yourself. I think all humans are a little nutty if you dig deep enough. I certainly am. I think the more accepting you are of your little food foibles, the less they'll control you. Remind yourself that what you feel and what you do don't have to be one and the same thing.

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Old 06-21-2012, 12:04 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by tinycities View Post
Sometimes I feel like I'm almost obsessed with food. I love eating and I seem to think about food so much of the time. It's got nothing to do with hunger, but more to do with the idea/taste/sensation of eating. For instance, I know my boyfriend will be really late home this evening and so we'll be eating dinner separately, and almost as soon as he mentioned this, my mind leapt to all of the junk/takeaway food that I could secretly eat because he was out of the house. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself - I would be so embarrassed if anyone knew that's how my mind worked. Ironically, I almost feel like this has spoiled my enjoyment of food sometimes, because I am so unhappy with my weight I feel guilty when I do (legitimately) enjoy a treat (e.g., a meal out with friends) - I know if I was healthier and ate well most of the time, I'd be able to enjoy these sorts of indulgences more fully. I've got other habits too - I try to avoid keeping unhealthy snacks in the house, but instead I just eat handfuls and handfuls of cereal every time I'm in the kitchen. Or sometimes, when I'm preparing dinner and about to serve up (i.e., I do NOT need to snack), I end up eating a huge slice of white bread slathered in butter - listening out to check that my boyfriend isn't about to come in, and hiding it in a cupboard if I hear him about to come into the kitchen. It's SO embarrassing and unecessary and I'd be mortified to be caught out.
Keep in mind, I'm no expert. That being said...I can totally relate. And really, this is how an addict's mind work. You could replace all the food and eating references with cigarettes and nicotine, alcohol, or drugs of any sort--pot to prescription pills. The hardest part about eating vs. the other things mentioned is that you have to eat. Every day. So you're trying to control a behavior that at times can be out of control. But the more you continue to work at it, the more it will become the new habit.

The key is to not give up trying. Your eating habits weren't established in a few months. It took years. It's going to take awhile to reprogram your brain with new habits. My thin friends also think about their weight everyday. But they're not obsessed with it. Its just part of their everyday thinking, like remembering to brush their teeth. Be soft with yourself, but also hold yourself to a higher standard. You are totally worth the effort!!
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Old 06-21-2012, 12:13 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by tinycities View Post
I just feel SO fed up with always having to think about my weight, food, my appearance, etc.
I can understand this - it'd be so nice to just eat normally without having to put much thought into it, and the idea that I'll have to pay attention to my diet for the rest of my life is a bit daunting and depressing at times.

But think of it like this: no matter what you weigh or how you eat, you will still spend the rest of your life thinking about it. Either because you're eating whatever you like and so feeling guilty and hating your body; or because you're being careful what you eat and focusing on maintaining a body that makes you happy. When it's put in such stark terms, I know which one I'd choose.
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Old 06-21-2012, 01:07 PM   #8
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I second what others have said about accepting yourself and forgiving yourself. I try to remember that eating healthy isn't a punishment, it's something loving you do for yourself because you want to take care of your body.

I also think it might be good for you to talk to your boyfriend about your feelings of guilt and shame around food. I have different issues, but talking to my boyfriend about it really helps. I am trying to avoid sugar and eat enough protein to avoid blood sugar crashes. But I mess up sometimes, and I get so mad at myself for it. Having him know what I'm struggling with is helpful, because I can talk to him and say "I am so embarrassed. I am frustrated with myself."

And he reassures me and helps me stop that self-defeating, critical self-talk in its tracks.

Best of luck to you, and congrats on all the healthy changes you have made in your life so far!!! There is lots to be proud of at 170! You are 50 pounds lighter than you were at your heaviest! That is something to be really proud of!

One last thing: I have to exercise to regulate my appetite/thinking about food. The more I exercise, the less I think about food. Not sure if it works that way for everyone, but it certainly works for me and maybe it would for you too.
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Old 06-21-2012, 01:29 PM   #9
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First of all ((hugs)) and congratulations on all of the weight you have lost.

Secondly, who says that not having to think about food, exercise, and weight is normal? I would say that to maintain a healthy weight it is normal for most everybody to think about these things on a daily basis. It's like saying it is normal to expect good dental health and no cavities without having to brush and floss your teeth every day. Is it unfair that we have to remember to brush and floss at least twice each day in order to have healthy teeth? Maybe it is. However, we have developed the habit of doing this (and not every country has adopted this standard of care) in order to maintain our oral health and it is just a part of our every day lives. It's the same with weight control.

In our current society it is hard NOT to gain weight. High fat and high calorie food is cheap and readily available. We always have to be mindful of our food intake. I think those people who don't have to watch what they eat to stay skinny are not the norm - they sure are lucky - but they aren't examples of what is normal to maintain a healthy weight.
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Old 06-21-2012, 03:05 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by tinycities View Post
Sometimes I feel like I'm almost obsessed with food. I love eating and I seem to think about food so much of the time. It's got nothing to do with hunger, but more to do with the idea/taste/sensation of eating. For instance, I know my boyfriend will be really late home this evening and so we'll be eating dinner separately, and almost as soon as he mentioned this, my mind leapt to all of the junk/takeaway food that I could secretly eat because he was out of the house. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself - I would be so embarrassed if anyone knew that's how my mind worked. Ironically, I almost feel like this has spoiled my enjoyment of food sometimes, because I am so unhappy with my weight I feel guilty when I do (legitimately) enjoy a treat (e.g., a meal out with friends)
I feel like I could have written most of your post, especially the part I quoted above. I have yo-yo dieted for most of my adult life, and last year, I lost 40-45 lbs. and have been maintaining it since then. I am so fearful that I will suddenly lose all motivation to continue and will regain the weight. Like you, I get so tired sometimes of having to make this much effort to just be a normal weight.

What I've tried to do, though, is analyze my failures, past and the ones that still happen. I want to see the patterns that have resulted in my giving up and regaining and/or going off my plan. I've already identified a few, and believe it or not, just objectively knowing what my weak points are has helped me to overcome them much of the time. For example, I realized a while ago that my non-hunger cravings for food come in waves and that if I can just resist the initial urge for even a few minutes, it passes. That's just one thing I've learned.

Also, I refuse to accept that I will have to live the rest of my life with food occupying so many of my thoughts. I realize that I may have to plan and think about food more than most people, but I still think that I think about it even more than most average dieters. I'm trying to find a way to make my eating more of a habit so that I won't have to think about it so much. I may try some version of the No S diet (Google it) along with calorie counting & see how that goes.

So, my advice? Identify your patterns and work on strategies to address them. And most of all, don't be discouraged; that emotion, IMHO, is the death knell to maintaining weight. I think of all the times I've regained my weight and realized that if I had just had a more positive attitude and had told myself that I AM IN CONTROL of what I eat and I REFUSE TO regain my weight, that I could have stopped that 5-10 lb. gain from becoming a 50-lb. gain.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 06-21-2012, 03:35 PM   #11
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There are plenty of skinny people who eat whatever they want and stay skinny
I actually think there are NO people like that -- unless you're including those who simply don't WANT to eat that much.

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Old 06-21-2012, 04:53 PM   #12
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To the OP...I totally understand where you are coming from. I too am addicted to food. Lets face the truth and call it what it is..Weather its because we just love the taste or the texture or the thought..weather we get comfort or feel better in some way...lets face it..we are addicted to food..It rules are life..This is a hard reality to face. I personally am the same way.. i used to hide food in the cupboard when i was younger, so my parents wouldnt find it..I would secretly eat at nighttime or sneak out and grab a burger at the local mcdonalds while everyone else was asleep. I would scarf down timbits on the way home from a dog walk. I had many tactics for hiding food and being a closet eater..I love food..My whole life has revolved around it...it makes me feel good. I even admitted to my husband that sometimes i find the only thing in life that makes me happy, is when i eat...and thats a sad sad confession..

I struggled with binge eating and closet eating and food addictions for so long...I have lived my entire life feeling depressed , unhappy and angry about the way i let myself become. I have attempted every diet out there or at least it feels that way and have failed.

So what works? Well for me..it was going to OA meetings..I needed to start talking about how i was feeling instead of just eating. I needed to express why i was having cravings. I needed to start talking instead of eating and i needed the support. Its a dangerous cycle that will go round and round and you wont find freedom from it, until you accept that you have a problem, and you need help..

Stepping out today and posting what you did was a huge step and to that i say Good Job! You are on your way...now its up to you to continue to seek out help..We can encourage you and support you and motivate you with words but you really need to tap into resources like OA or counselling, that can help you win this battle in the long run!!!

Good luck! and realize today...that you are not alone!
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Old 06-22-2012, 03:40 PM   #13
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Have you tried cutting out grains and sugar? I have done the exact things you mentioned, like sneaking food. There was a period of a few years when I didn't eat in front of anyone I didn't know extremely well, even regular meals. The only way I feel in control and don't have the binge, sneaking, disordered eating is when I eat clean. For me this means being strict about the grains, dairy, legumes and reducing sugar. Keeping a journal also helps immensely.

I recently found the paleoforwomen.com blog and it's very empowering and goes into the whys and hows of hormones and how food affects women differently than men.
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Old 06-22-2012, 04:27 PM   #14
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I understand where you're coming from. I know I'll always have to be aware of and cautious about my food intake and activity level. It's just going to be that way. But I'm thankful because it's very controllable compared to other things. I'm very healthy, considering, and I'm grateful for it. This is something I can fix.

I agree with other posters - a lot of skinny people think about weight/food/etc. a lot. I think they've just been doing it for SO LONG that it's second nature to them. They also may not have the fear of obesity that those of us who have been obese may have. The more afraid I am, the more I slip up. It helps to look toward a positive future and not a negative past.

I honestly love eating healthy. It's fun to do new recipes and find a balance between health and taste.

I also find that I think about and struggle with eating way more around TOM. The rest of the month is much easier.

You can do this. You're not alone in your struggles, trust me. I also try to think about my food issues as bad habits. Bad habits are a pain to break, but it can be done. That's what I'm working on doing right now. But dopamine down-regulation is a biyatch to adjust. I'm used to eating when bored/stressed/etc., and it's a habit from YEARS and years.
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Old 06-22-2012, 07:35 PM   #15
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Youre depresssing me i had to lose almost 20 lbs just to get to 170.
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