I'm at about 153 right now, had a bit of a backslide, but apparently that's really bad. The guy in question is fit, it's not really what attracted me to him though - his face did, actually - but when the topic of weight came up, I knew that was the end of it. He wants a fit girl and whether he'll take someone who isn't fit or not depends on how out of shape she is. Apparently I'm too far gone. He didn't say so but the silence was enough so I told him not to worry about it, I wouldn't want to disappoint him.
I know, I know, I should forget about him and I will. It's not even about him, I wasn't that crazy about him, it's just how I feel about myself at this point. It killed what was left of my self-esteem.
Bad night, too much stress. I have too much going on to feel strong right now.
Well, I was going to say "forget about that loser" but I see you have that covered..
I can see from your tickers that you have come such a long way- you have no reason to feel bad about yourself! You don't need that kind of a man anyway.
For starters...you're 153 lbs. I started my weight loss at 244 and now I'm down to 214. I went out with a really nice guy who is very active and he knew I was on a weight loss journey. He respected that and knew that eventually I was going to be in a place where i could go on long hikes with him up mountains.
This guy on the other hand sounds like he really is just looking for someone who is already at that point. If he doesn't want to take the time to get to know you now...when down the road you're most likely going to be the same person personality wise as you are now....Than it's his loss!
Last edited by itzadreamer; 05-22-2012 at 01:17 AM.
What a jerk. That kind of attitude towards romance can't even come close to making up for a cute face. You're better off.
Easier said than truly believed, though, I know.
But despite your disappointment, the level-headedness of your post and the progress you've made clearly betrays that you have a good head on your shoulders. You'll find someone much more deserving of your company down the road.
If it helps… I once was head over heels for a guy who was attractive, reasonably friendly, but had no interest in a relationship with me (but DID end up taking advantage of my affection in some scummy ways). I truly began to get over him once I realized that I hadn't fallen for him; I had fallen for who I wished he would be. … Big difference, as it turns out.
Edit: Really? 153 and he thinks that's too heavy? … REALLY? >_>
Last edited by cornellchick; 05-22-2012 at 01:28 AM.
Think of it as having dodged a bullet. Lucky to be away from such a shallow person. Get back on track with your diet and continue with the progress you have already made.
Don't let it kill or even dent your self-esteem. The guy could have just as likely rejected you because your weight was too low, or for a gazillion other reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with whether someone else will find you attractive.
It's also important to remember that it's both your job and the guy's job to interview each other for the position of significant other. You're supposed to be picky and the guys are too, because you don't want someone who will merely want to be with you, because you're willing to be with him. Both you and the people you date need to be willing to be picky or you end up with someone whose only qualification is a desire to avoid rejection even if it means dating someone who isn't everything (or anything) the person wants in a partner.
You want and deserve more than that. Are you going to date a great guy that you KNOW isn't going to work out because he has a habit you can't stand, or a lifestyle you want no part of? And if not, is that really about rejection or just common sense?
If you aren't willing to ever do the picking, you end up passively dating anyone willing to date you, and that's no way to live (I realized this at nearly 400 lbs). Even at my highest weight I had the confidence to date, because I didn't see rejection as a one-way street. I saw first dates as inteviews and I knew both I and the guy were interviewing each other, and there was nothing personal in rejection (even though people could feel that way if they chose to see it that way - I didn't).
I did as much rejecting as being rejected, because rejection is what needs to happen if you don't want to waste lots and lots of time with partners who aren't right for you.
When I placed the personal ad in which I met my amazing husband (at nearly my highest weight) I had to reject over a dozen men (and was just about convinced I'd never find anyone dateable when I met hubby).
One of the guys I rejected was a guy I had one first date with. The date itself went awesome and the guy seemed fabulous (if a little too good to be true) even though he worked opposite shifts to mine and we'd only ever get to see each other one day a week. I was willing to go for a second date, but happened to mention his name to a friend at work who lived in the same town, and I learned that most of what the guy told me was a complete lie, and the guy was known for being the biggest liar on the planet.
I called the guy and told him that I had decided that our lives and lifestyles just weren't compatible enough for me to see a future together and I canceled our second date. They guy got very angry and said some very unkind things. I didn't take it personally, just as more proof that the guy was way uncool.
I almost didn't reply to now-hubby's response to my ad, because I didn't think we'd have enough in common to date, but I couldn't get his voicemail out of my head, especially his statement that "if we don't hit it off romantically, maybe we can still be good friends."
If our phone conversations and emails weren't amazingly interesting, I would have dumped him after one date. He was horribly shy in person, and our first several dates were extremely awkward. It almost felt like both of us were very different people in person (we'd get back from a silent, awkward date and then talk on the phone for three hours).
Eventually his in-person personality matched his email/phone personality, but for a while it would have been very tempting for me (and I learned for him as well) to decide there just wasn't any chance. We would have both missed out if that had happened, but it wouldn't have been personal, it would just be the natural result of less-than-perfect chemistry.
You need to know what your own "deal-breakers" are, and you have to remember that it's your job to reject the guys who aren't right for you (not just accept the first guy who doesn't reject you).
It's really about learning to see "rejection" as a normal part of the dating process. It isn't really even rejection in the sense of a negative judgement on you. I've rejected some guys that I thought were incredibly awesome, they just were awesome for someone else, not awesome for me.
And you have to see the guys that way too. You have to turn down the guys that seem perfect - for someone else. To find the guy that's right for you, you have to turn down all the guys that aren't, even if they're great guys. And you have to see the guys position the same way. It's his job to say "no thanks" if you're perfect for someone else, but he realizes you're not perfect for him.
I try to tell my thin and pretty (but shy) sister this all the time. You don't have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince, but you do have to date a lot of them. And you want to move on to the next prospective-prince as quickly as possible - so whether you or he decides he's not the frog for you, it's all good because it means less time wasted.
I know it's hard to see it that way, but you HAVE to see it that way to find the guy who IS right for you.
If I could do it at 35 years old and 370 lbs, you can do it too. Just remember rejection is your job and the sooner you can do it, the sooner you can find the guy you don't have to reject.
You're a half inch taller than me and I remember feeling awesome at 150 because it was the first time I looked at a picture of myself and didn't immediately feel bad.
He's an idiot and others have certainly agreed with that statement. I just want to add that when you're at your goal weight that you remember this feeling. It might be easier to find someone if you're conventionally attractive but would you want to date someone who is only around when you're thin? If they're the type of person that wouldn't stick with you regardless of your appearance, then they aren't worth it.
He's a shallow jerk and not worth a moment of your time or ounce of yor self esteem. I am your height and gorgeous here, twenty pounds heavier. I'm fit and strong, too. So much of beauty is self confidence and a strong, sweet spirit - anyone who doesn't see that is not suitable mate material, period. Your weight will go up and down over the course of your life, but how you feel about yourself doesn't need to change with it. Work in what really matters first, and you may find the exterior will follow
Aw I know how you feel. On the plus side, at least he didn't try to lead you on. I feel better when I remind myself that in most cases I went for a specific guy in a room, rather than other guys because I am physically attracted to him - personality matters, but in a case where I don't know anyone, I gravitate towards someone I personally find physically attractive, sort of like how I am more into lean guys but most of my friends are into ones with big muscles. The most imp. thing is that there is a mutual attraction, physical and emotional between you two and if there isn't, you will find someone where there is that spark! Don't feel bad about your weight due to this - some men might be attracted to you at a higher or lower weight - this sort of thing varies.
At my lowest weight years ago, I got waved off by some guy who went for a girl bigger than me (its fine he didn't go for me but waving me off is just rude!), and I would rather be with someone who is physically and emotionally attracted to me, so that rejection was an early warning detection system haha!
That must hurt really really badly
I know it; I have been in the same situation. If I like a guy, I usually try and find out from friends what he thinks of me. Usually the answer is he thinks I am nice and everything but 'not his type'. I often assume this is at least partly weight related. Especially when they say I have a nice FACE (I know it is a compliment but I hear in my mind '...but a bad body'). It really hurts.
But I think Kaplods has this right. You don't want someone who likes you 'enough' or likes you DESPITE your appearence or is willing to go out with you just because he is way unshallow. You deserve someone who finds you totally beautiful, your face and body. And there WILL be a man like that, and who you feel the same about.
I think in a way what I mean is, we all have ideas about what is attractive. And while it is wrong to discriminate on looks in normal situations, a romantic one is a bit different. I don't mean to sound really horrible, and I know you are angry and sad right now. I just mean, I don't know about anyone else but I want to be with someone I am attracted to... and who I know thinks I am attractive too! Despite being really big I have had a few admirers (not that many, I admit!). But some of them, like Kaplods says, it was me doing the rejecting. And part of it was physical. Just something about them- I didn't fancy them. And while I wish it was different, in turn some guys I like are not going to fancy me. I think a lot of it is weight but some of it is other things. Because I do not imagine that when I lose weight everyman will go for me!! Basically, I think this guy isn't necessarily horrible and shallow. I know it hurts right now but you just aren't right for each other. He has his own tastes.
So basically yes; be picky, there is a guy out there who you will adore, who will adore you too, mentally and physically. This guy wasn't the one, but he will be along one day!
xxxxx
sexual attraction is a funny thing and it is okay for people to have their preferences I don't think him not being into you makes him an idiot like some of the others said but I understand rejection sucks and I hope you meet a great guy who likes all you have to offer including your body
He doesn't know where you've come from. You know in yourself you've come a long way. He's the one that has missed out, you could of become that person he wants and there would have been more satisfaction all round, but as he's shallow and wants that person then and there, he can keep waiting and you can feel good knowing you didn't waste more time with him.
You should use this to your advantage because it's YOU who knows how you feel about what you have achieved so far and where your going.
I hope you meet him later on when you have reached your goal and he can see what he missed out on.
You've come so far. At 153, I'm sure you look amazing. I really do! I like what the other poster said... glad you dodged that bullet! And Kaplods is right. It's like an interview. You want to end up with the right kind of guy, and maybe this guy is not it. For you.
He sounds like a decent enough guy to be honest with you about what he wants in a woman, right up front. No one likes rejection, but better now than after you make an emotional investment. Seriously. I'm sorry you don't fit his ideal, but that could be a good thing.
I've been married to my husband for 16, almost 17 years and he's seen me through my weight going up and down, maxing out at 213 and he never had a bad thing to say about me. He's supported my efforts overall, and is just a great guy. After all this time, we are still together and our relationship is strong.
If you're going to have weight issues all of your life, you're going to want a guy like that. I'm not saying you're going to have weight issues and gain anything back, but if you're anything like me, you're going to have to work hard at maintaining. You need a guy who's going to give you support through the ups and downs, through the changing interests, lifestyles, etc.. Hold out for someone else!
I guess I'm different from most people here in that I don't see the guy's attitude as shallow. I think we all have the right to have whatever dating criteria we want. A guy once rejected me because I was too tall for him. He told me he liked really petite women. I was fine with that. Many other guys love tall women, and if he's only attracted to tiny ones, that's just the way he's built. I agree 100% with Kaplods that rejection is part and parcel of the dating game and should not be taken personally, though I realize it's not easy.
Rejected because of my weight...
And Kaplods is right. It's like an interview. You want to end up with the right kind of guy, and maybe this guy is not it. For you. 
