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Old 05-08-2012, 02:53 AM   #1
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Default Husband not being supportive

I'm having problems with my man. I decided that I need to cut down on meat/dairy and focus on eating more fruits, veggies and other healthier carbs/fats. I came to this decision when I looked at my BMI and found that I was getting closer and closer to obese. On my current diet, I was eating lots of unhealthy fats, meats, sugar and baked goods, but working out a lot too and still slowly gaining weight. My intention, which he is well aware of, is to start cutting down on meat and dairy to 4 meals per week and eventually just have them on special occasions, as in once a month or less.

Unfortunately, he's having a freakout and does not want me to become a vegetarian or vegan. In the past, I said I'd never stop eating meat or butter or chocolate. I've learned from the mistake of saying "never" because now I don't eat any of those things on a daily basis like I used to. I can't in good conscience say that I'll never become a veggie or vegan. Which is exactly what is causing him to freak.

I feel he's being unsupportive of my decision to eat healthier and redefine what makes a good meal. He was a vegetarian once and feels he has the right to say that vegetarianism is BS.

I'm not fishing for any support on my side of the argument, I'm just hoping for support that I'm doing the correct and healthy thing for myself. Basically the support that my man should be giving, but isn't for some F-ed up reason. Relationships are hard!!!
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:56 AM   #2
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Why do your eating habits effect him? I guess it's hard to say what his reaction is about without knowing what's making him feel so strongly about it.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:57 AM   #3
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As long as he is still allowed to eat those things whenever he wants (aka eating them in front of you on days you arn't eating those things)... then he should just be quiet and let you do your own thing. If he doesn't support you, that's fine as its very hard to verbally support someone when they are doing something you completely disagree with. But he should at least just keep his mouth shut and tell you "whatever floats your boat!"
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:15 AM   #4
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Why do your eating habits effect him? I guess it's hard to say what his reaction is about without knowing what's making him feel so strongly about it.
He likes cooking meals for the two of us. He's frustrated that he'll be doing his cooking solo sometimes. A man with an ego about his cooking is sometimes not a fun thing.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:17 AM   #5
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As long as he is still allowed to eat those things whenever he wants (aka eating them in front of you on days you arn't eating those things)... then he should just be quiet and let you do your own thing.
Totally not opposed to him eating meat or whatever. We just went grocery shopping and he got all the stuff he wanted.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:40 AM   #6
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He likes cooking meals for the two of us. He's frustrated that he'll be doing his cooking solo sometimes. A man with an ego about his cooking is sometimes not a fun thing.
If that's the case, I totally understand where he's coming from. In his eyes, you're taking away something he enjoys doing for you. Men are touchy creatures, at times. He probably feels hurt and rejected.

I hope you two are able to work it out.
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Old 05-08-2012, 06:49 AM   #7
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I lost my taste for meat 5 or 6 years ago. It didn't start as a conscious decision but when I focused a lot on veggies,it seemed to happen. My husband was supportive but also concerned so I had to show him that I could be healthy and not eat meat. Yours is a little different because your husband was vegetarian.
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Old 05-08-2012, 06:59 AM   #8
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I hope things are better between you two now. My husband tries to eat healthy, but he has no problem eating something yummy in front of me when I can't have it.
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Old 05-08-2012, 08:54 AM   #9
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You know, he may also be freaked out because he is worried about what it says about him, not you. Does he need to lose some weight, too? Perhaps it's just a knee-jerk reaction of not wanting to face that about himself right now, or he's worried that you view him as needing to lose weight, too. When my DH decided to get healthy - he started running and eating much better; it was difficult at times not to take it personally, as his habits were radically different in a very short amount of time.

I needed to lose a lot more than him, so hearing him say, "I really need to stop eating pizza and cut down my portion sizes by 10! No more eating out!" - I felt like he was saying, "Oh my GOD you're so fat! Stop eating so much pizza! Stop eating such huge portions and don't YOU eat out every meal!" True, that may have been a component of his arguments, but it really was more about him and not me - but when you're married, living together, eating together and following the same habits, when the other person wants to radically change all that, well, it affects the other spouse, too.

So is he hearing you say, "YOU are fat. YOU need to stop eating so much meat! You need to eat less dairy. You need to eat more fruit and veggies and YOU need to start exercising!"? He may be scared you're trying to change him, telling him he's unattractive, that you are trying to better yourself so you can find someone new, etc.

Honestly, I was very very sensitive about my weight, so any comment he made about himself I took personally. It wasn't that I was trying to be unsupportive, I just felt hurt because I felt it was being directed at me, and I was scared because I wasn't ready to make those changes yet and I was insecure, so I immediately assumed the worst (i.e., he is going to leave me); even after 15 years of marriage!

Once he just started living the way he wanted to live and stopped talking about it all the time, things got easier for me and actually inspired me to take action of my own. Now, we live much much more harmoniously and have very similar eating/exercise habits!
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:09 AM   #10
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Have you sat down with him and had an honest open discussion about the situation? Is he aware of the reasons that you want to make these changes? If you're unhappy, he should be supportive of you trying to take healthy measures to get happy again.

Perhaps you can compromise on the dinner issue... does it matter what he cooks? Surely one meatless meal per day wouldn't hurt him, and it would actually probably bring you closer for you to see him demonstrate his support in that way. (And we all know a happy wife generally makes for a happier husband! )
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Old 05-08-2012, 10:09 AM   #11
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My bf isn't the most supportive, he likes to have a good time and ALWAYS eats what he wants. He doesn't push foods on me but has no problems eating them in front of me. I had to ask him to not buy candy and leave around the house (i'm on ww) as it's too hard with it around not to eat it. He has weight to lose and claims he's starting this week with me but overally i understand what you're going through. It's tough, i always feel alone when it comes to eating meals!

But i want to be alot thinner and healthier so i removed myself from his bad habits
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Old 05-08-2012, 10:20 AM   #12
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He likes cooking meals for the two of us. He's frustrated that he'll be doing his cooking solo sometimes. A man with an ego about his cooking is sometimes not a fun thing.
This is silly. He is choosing his own misery and taking it out on you.

He could be all "Man! She doesn't love my Specialty Cow Beast any more, waaaaah!"

or could choose to be

"Alright. I'm still making Cow Beast. But she's needing X too. Here's Chef Man's chance to shine at creating the new masterpiece -- Cow Beast Pal Veggie casserole! (But without the cow beast in it). Heh heh. I am STILL the rockin' Kitchen Commander! No challenge can defeat me. Muahahaha!"

You are doing a diet change thing to improve your BMI. But what if your diet had to change for diabetes, or cancer or heart condition or.... would he be acting all like this?

A.
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Old 05-08-2012, 11:09 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by Lunula View Post
You know, he may also be freaked out because he is worried about what it says about him, not you. Does he need to lose some weight, too? Perhaps it's just a knee-jerk reaction of not wanting to face that about himself right now, or he's worried that you view him as needing to lose weight, too.
That's exactly what I thought too - he does need to lose weight. He knows he needs to lose weight and quit smoking (high blood pressure and heart attacks are common in his family). I think he doesn't want to be left behind!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunula View Post
Once he just started living the way he wanted to live and stopped talking about it all the time, things got easier for me and actually inspired me to take action of my own. Now, we live much much more harmoniously and have very similar eating/exercise habits!
I hope he can come to this conclusion too - I'd like him to be at peace with his choice to be healthier.
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Old 05-08-2012, 11:16 AM   #14
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Have you sat down with him and had an honest open discussion about the situation? Is he aware of the reasons that you want to make these changes? If you're unhappy, he should be supportive of you trying to take healthy measures to get happy again.

Perhaps you can compromise on the dinner issue... does it matter what he cooks? Surely one meatless meal per day wouldn't hurt him, and it would actually probably bring you closer for you to see him demonstrate his support in that way. (And we all know a happy wife generally makes for a happier husband! )
When I kept asking him what's wrong, he finally said that he wanted a compromise. We're still working out the details, but you were close to the mark Joss! Also, I couldn't agree more - a happy wife = a happy husband

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Originally Posted by astrophe View Post
This is silly. He is choosing his own misery and taking it out on you.

He could be all "Man! She doesn't love my Specialty Cow Beast any more, waaaaah!"

or could choose to be

"Alright. I'm still making Cow Beast. But she's needing X too. Here's Chef Man's chance to shine at creating the new masterpiece -- Cow Beast Pal Veggie casserole! (But without the cow beast in it). Heh heh. I am STILL the rockin' Kitchen Commander! No challenge can defeat me. Muahahaha!"

You are doing a diet change thing to improve your BMI. But what if your diet had to change for diabetes, or cancer or heart condition or.... would he be acting all like this?

A.
Actually, he's pre-diabetic too. Basically, I'm very worried about him and that's causing me to take serious action. He is a huge procrastinator with very low willpower (this is how he describes himself too, so I'm really not picking on him!) I really hope he can choose to start creating veggie meals that stroke his ego too...and he is being a sensitive silly man right now. I'll try to encourage him in that direction, thanks Astrophe!
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Old 05-08-2012, 01:23 PM   #15
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Just my advice coming from a vegetarian with a meat eating boyfriend who likes to cook. Often he'll make the main part with out meat, and then cook his meat separate and I cook my veggie protein or he does and then we each add together. Like pasta you can make the sauce and add meat to his after. I hope that makes sense.

Also... He seems to love the challenge of taking his favorite meat meal and trying to replicate it for me. We've actually made some awesome veggie substitute dishes that he ends up eating cause not much difference.

Good luck and hope y'all come up with a solution!
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