[ennay]

Just some thought ramblings. Stream of consciousness stuff. Stuff I would put in a blog if I had one and if I did this more than once a year or so

I've always been a daily weigher when I am on task. But when I am self sabotaging the first thing I do is "forget" to weigh. I've never been prone to getting hyper about the weight fluctuations...after all I wrote the book (ok the little sticky at the top of the forum which isnt even enough to call a pamphlet) on scale and water weight variance. Take the good, throw out the bad, 85% of the time I knew what i would see before I pop on.


Calorie counting was much the same for me. If I am on task I calorie count with the best of them. Even splurges get recorded faithfully. But once self sabotage hits calorie counting is one of the first things to go...and I admit even when I am doing it I RESENT the focus on food. And when I am on task, I dont need it. I have never said "X is my limit". It's really been more of a journal and it is what it is. Focus on healthy food. Dont stuff yourself silly. Make room for chocolate because **** opens up when you dont. When I am on task my deficit is large. When I am not it is negative. BUT I ALREADY KNEW THAT oh maybe the number was a few hundred higher or lower than I was expecting...but it was always "in range"

On the first day of Lent I was in the middle of a very long self sabotage streak. Hadn't weighed in weeks. Some serious butter binging several days there. (Probably the butter binges wouldnt be that bad except it is very hard to binge on butter - my drug of choice - without putting it on an enormous pile of carbohydrates). And that day I had an almost overwhelming desire to weigh myself. Why? What would that number tell me. That I had been binging and slogging on the sofa for 3 weeks? I knew that. If it was high I could tell myself how much I sucked, if it wasnt would i feel I had gotten away with it? (even though it probably meant I was just dehydrated)

I had been mildly kicking around giving up something for lent but couldnt really find an appropriate candidate. (Butter maybe, but that would require it not being in the house....and butter is a symptom not a trigger). So I gave up the scale. And fitday.

It's been interesting. Self sabotage was still hanging around for awhile, then motivation kicked back in. Then I got sick. Then I got better. And I have had three times that the urge to weigh really really pulled at me. When I was feeling disgusted with myself for my choices and when I was feeling proud of myself for my choices. Hmmm. In both cases I wanted the scale to tell me what I already knew.

I dont know where I am. Self sabotage took me up a bit. Might be down lower. Does it matter? I am where I am.

Today was one of the days I really really wanted to weigh. I'm really in the groove right now.

[lin43]

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I know what you mean. Sometimes I wish I trusted myself enough to experiment with just eating healthy, journaling what I eat, and then doing the math at the end of the week to see where I'm at. Focusing on the numbers really does make me more obsessed over food. Maybe when I'm not so new to maintenance and don't have the unreasonable fear that I'll gain all my weight back within a week, I'll give it a try.

Are you planning on weighing yourself after Lent is over? I would love to see how you fared.

[ennay]

Originally Posted by lin43

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I know what you mean. Sometimes I wish I trusted myself enough to experiment with just eating healthy, journaling what I eat, and then doing the math at the end of the week to see where I'm at. Focusing on the numbers really does make me more obsessed over food. Maybe when I'm not so new to maintenance and don't have the unreasonable fear that I'll gain all my weight back within a week, I'll give it a try.

Are you planning on weighing yourself after Lent is over? I would love to see how you fared.

I had thought at the time I wrote this that I would. But now I am leaning to "not"

The main reason being I have been more at peace and with peace comes moderation. I went to spring break with dh's family last week, which means a week of poor food options. And this week I slid right back to normal. Moderate. Peaceful. Not sabotagy. I did have the urge to weigh to "see the damage" but resisted.

Although moderation may mean maintenance not loss, but I have always said if I could find a way to peacefully maintain, I would accept a slightly higher weight. (Versus I can either lose or gain---both rather rapidly - but nothing in between)

My solid guess based on appearance and the fit of my clothes is I had lost the sabotage pounds before spring break and I probably put on a little on spring break along with some water that should go away soon.

[gracewriter]

Wow, giving up both? You are very brave. I'm already going through withdrawal anxiety l just thinking about you doing that.

I really like everything you said.

For 38 years, I never worried about any of this. Not until I blew up with my last baby and stayed there the next 14 years. But what you talk about is how I lived my life until now. I believe it is the normal way to live, at least it was for me.

I mean, I kept a scale around, ate what I wanted and had some kind of internal meter that let me know when it was time to back off the food. The clothes helped but it was something internal, something deeper.

I never counted calories, never worried about my weight, I naturally would eat more some days and less others without a conscious decision to do so. I would at times fluctuate between 120 and 130, but mostly stayed around 125.

I never had weight issues until the last baby. I got huge with all three, 85lb weight gain average. The first two times I lost all the weight within a few months. This last time, well her I am.

Best wishes to you. Do let us know how it goes. I believe you are "there" and don't need fitday or the scale any longer. Sounds like it's graduation day.

Thanks for writing.

[ennay]

No I am not "there" yet. But I think this is one more step. At least for now.