Am I resentful?

[freelancemomma]

<<I feel as if someone should LOVE me, really love me, despite what I look like.>>

The OP's husband may love her but not be physically attracted to her at this weight. It's a hard truth to swallow, but I don't think it's fair to blame him for not being able to summon up the sexual attraction (which is largely if not entirely out of his control, IMO).

I know that my husband was far less attracted to me when I weighed 50 pounds more than he is now, and I fully understood and accepted it. Even so, I didn't lose the weight until my motivation came from within.

Freelance

[98DaysOfSummer]

It's hard for people to understand the stress and grief of having a sick child if they haven't been there. For us, it's been just over two years and it just takes over your LIFE. If you don't pull together, you pull apart. I am really struggling in my marriage right now because I have been so focused on my daughter for two years, I had nothing to spare for my husband. We've both gained weight, we're both resentful.

I handled things by throwing everything I had at my daughter, my husband managed by throwing himself into work - it sounds like you took care of your daughter an your husband took care of himself (I don't mean he was selfish, I mean maybe controlling his food and fitness was how he coped and numbing with food is how you coped). None of us did the harder thing, which was invest in our relationship. It's just too hard to give MORE of yourself when your whole being is preoccupied with worry and grief.

I am beginning to think only some therapy and hard work is going to get us out of it. We are throwing up issues that are smoke screens. I don't know your husband but PROBABLY doesn't care about your weight exactly, he probably would like ya fine if you still liked yourself. I know my husband has said things along the lines of - if the weight is holding you back and coming between us, then don't you care about US enough to take care of yourself? My husband would love me t 4592 pounds but he is having a hard time getting through all the loathing and frustration I've wrapped myself in.

If it helps, I can very much relate to losing and then gaining weight through this process. I lost about 30 pounds very quickly because the idea of eating repulsed me. How could I nourish myself when my baby was sick? And then it went the other way, who cares. My baby is sick. Eat, don't eat. I guess I chose eat. I don't really remember. I know I'm about 50 pounds heavier than when this all started. My marriage was the LAST thing on my mind.

[ennay]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this has very very little to do with either how you look or how attracted your husband is or is not to you at this weight.

I don't think I am making any great leaps by stating you were depressed during this time. Dealing with a person you love who is mired in depression is difficult and VERY few people know what to do. Because when you love someone it feels very very wrong to just do nothing.

Add that most men have a tendency to try to "fix" things. And quite often their methods of "fixing things" are exactly the opposite of what is needed. (I believe the phrase "will you quit trying to fix me and just shut up and LISTEN" has been uttered regularly in my house. Except with words 3FC wont let me use).

He very well might, in his own misguided way, have been genuinely trying to help. Not because he thought you were too fat, but because you were too sad.

But weight is an easier thing to metric. How depressed are you today on a scale of 1-10? Meaningless to most. But damn if I dont know EXACTLY what weight I am. When you dont take the time to put what is really wrong into words it is easy for someone to make the leap "She is miserable. She has gained weight. Therefore if I help her lose weight she will be able to be happy again.". Or even. "Damn, I have no idea how to help her deal with a sick kid but I do know how to help her lose weight. I'll do that! That will help!"

Addtionally, almost anyone who works out regularly KNOWS it makes them feel better. I know it, I've known it for years - doesnt keep me from couch potatoing during depression. But since your husband works out he likely knows it as well and initially that was probably part of the inner dialogue he failed to communicate.

Now of course it has gotten to be where the fight is about weight and even he has probably lost sight of the initial problem.

It is time for a talk. Because NOW you are digging in your heels. You said it..YOU perceive it as him WANTING credit for fixing you. So dammit, I wont give him the satisfaction. And that is holding you back. It is time to talk about what in the relationship can be fixed OUTSIDE of the weight. Date night? Friendship?

What DO you need from him. Think about it. And tell him

[andrew80k]

Ennay I could not possibly have said it better. Men are men, we fix stuff. It's what we do. We see a problem, we need to fix it. I don't try to fix my wife because I've learned better. But that doesn't mean I didn't try a few times.