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Old 01-26-2012, 02:57 PM   #1
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Default Husband follows my example...too well...

I know I've been gone for a while, but I've just been maintaining. I want to lose these last pounds, but over the holidays I've been more relaxed and my running has been cut back since the weathers been cold.
For anyone that doesn't remember, my DH is obese, and I've posted here and there about his weight and health issues. I've done all I can do to get him to join me when I was doing the bulk of my losing, but he didn't. So about 3 weeks ago, I think he had his ah-ha moment. The doc gave his 3 months to start losing or he's going on diabetes meds. His sugar is high.

And so my husband started eating healthy and watching portions and exercising. He was doing great, he and I together, as long as I stayed on track...
So a few days ago, the urge to binge hit me. I get this usually once a month *hint hint*, and its probably a big part of my inability to lose the rest of my weight, because I binge A LOT for like 4-5 days. As soon as I went off plan, per say, my DH followed suit, like it was "permission" for him to go crazy too. He went to the store and bought an ice cream cake, ice cream, corn dogs, cheese and crackers and order pizza....OMG, the past few days have been a crap fest here. And I've noticed, he kind of waits to see if I "mis eat" like eat some ice cream cake after lunch, then he'll have some.

I don't feel like I'm explaining this correctly, but its like he does what I do. If I get back on track, so does he. And he doesn't INITIATE getting back on track. Its like he just keeps binging, never saying "hey lets stop this"...he waits for me to say "I'm going to stop"...the worst part is, Me, having dealt with this binging for years and years, I know, to only buy SMALL portions of binge food, the smaller the portion, the sooner its gone....but he went out and bought a f**king cake, really?!?!?! I get mad because I have a hard enough time keeping myself from binging. Then he joins me and buys tons of crap. (I'll go buy a Ben & Jerrys, so once that's gone I'm done, and I'll buy ONE thing....he buys enough for a party of people).I want him to be the strong one sometimes, to NOT buy crap, not not give in and feed the binge by coming home with buckets of garbage.

The problem is I'm not dealing with health issues. If I go off healthy eating for a few days, the worst thing is I feel crappy, but I'm not prediabetic, or high cholesterol...my DH has both. So now I feel like I can't screw up (eat crappy) because its effecting him.

This was a ramble, I know. I'm not saying its ok for me to binge, but my binges have always been my binges, and the damage done was only to myself, but now they are the "all clear" for my husband to binge. I don't want to be responsible for someone elses binge. And my husband, who wasn't really a binger, since he just over ate all the time, he never really binged, but now with him watching his food intake and saying "no" to certain foods, when he does go off plan, he does binge. And somehow I've become the ring leader. I swear I don't drag him into it. I don't say anything, I just buy a single serving of said junk for and eat it. Actually he's working today, so I've been binging today, knowing I can do it without him seeing me and joining in. I feel guilty when he joins in, like I'm somehow making his health worse....

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Old 01-26-2012, 03:03 PM   #2
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Do you ever go "awww..." when you see a very old couple power walking the mall, holding hands, and wearing the same old 80's tracksuit?

My point being that couples tend to feed off each other and the ones who are in love often tend to mimick EVERYTHING the other person does, often without even realizing it. When we have children and the children get much older, the same thing starts to happen. Notice how many people here on 3FC blame their parents for their issues?

Binging is a major issue. I don't see it as being any different than an alcohol or drug binge (I mean obviously the latter two can kill you with an overdose, but I'm talking about the emotions behind it). Perhaps, together & united, this can be one way to work on overcoming the emotional and physical "addiction" of binging. Just my thought.

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Old 01-26-2012, 03:15 PM   #3
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I definitely get what you're saying. I agree with sacha, couples feed off of each other. Consider the fact that we see ALL the time posts about women "complaining" that their husbands/SOs don't care that we/they are dieting and eat whatever the heck they feel like eating - in front of us.

In your case the role is reversed.

Perhaps you can be more sympathetic to your husbands efforts and try NOT to go off plan in front of him - especially knowing that he will follow suit if you do.

Good luck!

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Old 01-26-2012, 03:24 PM   #4
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I can see how this could happen very easily. Because you've been so successful, your husband is taking his cues from you instead of charting his own course. He doesn't have the resolve or the experience to deal with his cravings. The amount of food is irrelevant when you're in the middle of a binge, and if he is obese, it's all relative.

Tricky stuff.

I don't think it will be easy to fix the root of the problem (he's very dependent upon your behavior), so you may only be able to deal with the symptoms. In other words, you may have to take your binges outside the home. If it's that TOM, go grab a bite out with girlfriends or go get an ice cream cone someplace. I know it's not the same, but maybe it's a blessing in disguise.

How about helping him learn to make healthy fruit smoothies that taste like shakes? I know they can be high in calories, but once again, if he's obese, he can probably handle more calories. Make sure there's plenty of popcorn and that kind of stuff around. Find some alternatives to the binge food, just until he has some success under his belt. On the other hand, he may need a "cold turkey" approach to carbs and stuff. Don't forget he's a food addict.

Hopefully your husband will grow into his food plan and learn to self moderate. Think back to when you started out. It was probably really difficult to stay on plan, and you seem like a more natural leader, and perhaps he's a follower, so it's probably even harder for him. This is a mental and physical process.

Good luck. You can do it. Hopefully it won't drive you too crazy before it gets resolved.

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Old 01-26-2012, 03:25 PM   #5
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I agree with you both. In the past year, I've tried finally to get to the root of my binging, thinking I could stop. I've found that it is a powerful addiction, and there are times I feel no different than a drug addict or alcoholic. Sacha, I definitely see it just as a drug or alcohol binge. I've really come to see it controls me, not the other way around. I always to solice in the fact that I - 1. binge infrequently enough as to keep my weight under some control and 2. I wasn't hurting anyone else. But this is no longer the case.

Mammasita, I never thought I'd be in the position of the SO doing that but you are right. I'm really going to be the kind of person that is supportive and not a sabotager, even if its not on purpose, because sabotage is what I'm doing when I eat crap in front of him. I can't say I won't still binge on days he's gone, but he deserves an environment supportive of his efforts. I want to give him that.

Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 01-26-2012 at 03:26 PM.
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:27 PM   #6
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Does your husband know he should NOT be eating all that sugar ? If he doesn't stop , diabetes meds will soon be a part of his life.
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:31 PM   #7
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I know you don't have any major health concerns, but binging isn't right for YOU either. It's not good for your body and you say it's keeping you from your goals.

Let this be a double whammy - eat better for YOU, eat better for him. Let this be the nudge you need to kick the binging habit. Sometimes, it's easier to do things to benefit other people than ourselves.
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:37 PM   #8
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Italiannie, thank you. I think it is a good suggestion to try and take my indulgence time out of the house if he's home, or wait until he's gone. We were eating popcorn actually as our night snack, air popped with some salt, and it was fine. It was me that started craving sweets, thank to TOM. I get that craving every month! And popcorn wasn't cutting it. But I think If I continued to stay on track, he would have too.
Bargoo, yes, we are both aware. We are both formally educated on the cause and effects of and management of diabetes...and both shining examples of food addiction.

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Old 01-26-2012, 03:40 PM   #9
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Glory87 - I know. Last night I was nearly sick from all I ate. I hate binging, and the power it seems to have. I have been thinking that if I can not do this for myself, that perhaps I can do this for my husband.

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Old 01-26-2012, 03:43 PM   #10
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Well, he's seen that what you do resulted in weight loss. Sustainable weight loss. He probably has diet fatigue, and he sees you have a treat and thinks- if she can do that and still lose weight, so can I! Right now, he probably very much is watching you to see how to lose weight. After all, you've done all the hard work. You've researched, you've walked the walk, you've lost weight, you've maintained. Frankly, if I were in his shoes, I'd be emulating you also because what you have done has worked. Take it as a form of flattery and possibly even a form of motivation.
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:46 PM   #11
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My husband and I are both struggling with a binge problem. He is also much more overweight than I am, but right now, he's finally making his own journey. It took him many, many unsuccessful attempts. I don't have any good advice. I'd just talk to him and explain how you both need to make an effort not to binge even if the other person is doing it. Ask him to also not buy mass quantities. I'm like your hubby where I"ll buy an entire cake and order a huge pizza, etc...whereas my hubby will just buy one slice of cake and binge on peanut butter pretzels. When he's done, he's done, but I tend to continue until I can't even lie down because I'm so full beyond capacity. I get what you're going through and hope you can use this time to figure things out.
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Old 01-26-2012, 08:26 PM   #12
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My husband is supposed to be dieting - I was dieting about 1 year before his doc told him he needed to lose weight, now!!! Once again, he said he was "serious" this time about losing weight. Not really. I don't say a word, because I am not the diet police - well, I am my own diet police, but that's it!

My problem is, he seems to sabotage my efforts. For example, he went out of town this week, and right before he left, he bought 1 dozen donuts and dropped them off at home. Now, some were for the kids, but a few were ones that the kids don't like but I do. He wasn't going to eat any of them because he is out of town (and no doubt going to town at different restaurants) - they were left for me to deal with! Fortunately, I resisted and the donuts are sitting stale in the box now. However, they were really hard to resist, and I wound up overeating "healthy" stuff to compensate for the deprivation of the donuts.

My husband will also order a fattening dessert or pastry if we have gone out to eat and eaten an otherwise healthy meal. He will cut it in half and give me half the portion, even though I did not ask for it. It's really hard to resist - although I have been. However, resisting food that I want makes me mad. I get so angry when something I want that is unhealthy is shoved in my face. It would be so easy to eat it and just keep going......
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Old 01-26-2012, 09:12 PM   #13
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I think communication might be at the heart of your troubles, both you and DH. Tell him your worries.. that your bingeing is leading him to.. and yours is tied to hormonal swings but that you are trying to control them too because it's not good for either of you...

I agree though, it might be diet fatigue for him. So maybe through the course of the above discussion, you could agree upon one single night a month that is your 'fun night' together, in which you each choose a food you've been craving and bring a serving for each of you home. Whatever is leftover, agree to throw out that night. That way you both have something to look forward to, are conquering the bingeing demon together, and most importantly are talking about it.

GL and KUP on how it's going!

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Old 01-27-2012, 05:02 AM   #14
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Well there is a good side to it. At least now you have an extra little insentive to perhaps plan snacks instead of binging?
You could have like a 500 calories whatever-you-want everytime you hit that monthly time. If it is planned it isn't a binge and still tastes great?
Sorry, I don't know what else could help. I do not understand binging fully and do not want to say anything out of order.
It is great your husband takes his health serious though! I know plenty who simply shoot their insulin and eat cakes.
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Old 01-27-2012, 08:00 AM   #15
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I know that you feel bad about this, but it isn't your fault. We can't take responsibility for the actions of other adults. He has a mind of his own, and his decisions are his, not yours. If he chooses good things, great. If not, don't beat yourself up. If you're feeling like he's putting this responsibility on you, talk to him about how you feel and how much pressure you feel to not mess up because it seems to be costing him his sanity and health.

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