I see myself as bigger than I really am...why can't my brain catch up to reality? So, I am okay with weighing between 125 and 130lbs; at 126lbs I even went up a few pounds to get back to 130 which made me fit comfortably in the clothes I have had to buy since my weight loss and my face also looks better at that weight. My current goal is to stay at 130lb because at 5ft 4" I think that given my frame being a size 4 is fine.
Tonight however, I realized that a family member who is 3 inches shorter and a petite frame, weighs more and is larger in inches around the bust, waist and hips. This shocked me because I see myself as being bigger which made me question how on earth can I still think I am bigger even though I KNOW I have smaller stats? My fiance keeps telling me how small I am (he met me after the weight loss), however, when he tries to lift me, I protest because I am so used to being the heavy one (heavy being relative to my sister)- this was my second clue that in some respect, my brain has not caught up to speed with the weight loss.
Last week I told my loving mom how her words had the potential to hurt me growing up and now that I think on it, did! She always (along with others) commented on how I was eating all the food and leaving none for my sister- so not true. I also grew hearing how big my thighs and calves were in comparison to others. This was never an intentional dart she threw my way but until today, I never realized that although I never responded by binge eating or starving myself, the thoughts are stuck in my head and the damage seems to be as real as if I had picked up any of the aforementioned habits.
I told my mom that if I was not a strong personality, I would have developed an eating disorder a long time ago. And even though it felt good at the time to say so, I realize now that I probably did develop body image issues. I have learnt to love what I have now (you should see the new cute outfits), but yet, just beyond the reaches of my conscious mind, however I just cannot see me as SMALL- not in the way people make such excited or surprised comments on. I wonder if I am making sense.....