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Not sure what I expected, but that wasn't it

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Old 01-09-2012, 02:13 PM   #1
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Unhappy Not sure what I expected, but that wasn't it

So I have a twin sister. We have both been overweight since being like 12. However, I was always been a little bit heavier or at least had my weight distributed in less desirable areas. So in the past few months I put in lots of effort and lost 35 pounds. I have seen my sister 3 times since Thanksgiving. The whole family discussed getting healthier in 2012 at Thanksgiving. By Christmas I had dropped another five pounds. So she has said absolutely NOTHING to me but has told my mother that I am too thin and approaching unhealthy. My BMI is very high normal to still overweight . 24.9-25.2. My reaction is confusion and a little bit of anger at her response. We have always had each other's back and been our biggest cheerleaders. My most critical sibling was actually supportive and nice with his comments this past weekend. Other people's reactions to weight loss are somewhat perplexing. I lost 25 pounds when my husband decided to get back in the gym. My babysitter just asked me to add her to my YMCA membership so she can get healthy. I wasn't losing weight for other people's reactions, but they are an interesting associated phenomenon. Anyway, should I confront my twin and if I did, what would I say.
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Old 01-09-2012, 02:20 PM   #2
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I totally know how hurtful this is. I have a sister who is one year older than me, we have always been close. She was always the thinner, prettier, more athletic one when we were younger. We have both put on weight over the years and she has not once commented on my weight loss. It is hurtful they cannot show more support.
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Old 01-09-2012, 02:20 PM   #3
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Well, my guess is that she's feeling a little left behind and comparing herself to you. Her lack of reaction has to do with how she feels about herself (I'm guessing). Leave her alone.

You have had great success. Be joyful. She'll either catch up to you emotionally, or she won't, but it will be in her time.

Congratulations!!!!!!!
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Old 01-09-2012, 02:29 PM   #4
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I wonder why your mother feel the need to pass that comment on to you?

Personally I wouldnt say a word. Sis gets defensive, gets pissed at mom for telling you what she said - if she even said it in THAT context. Really, do you know that is exactly what she said and that it was spontaneous? Mom gets pissed at you for going back on sis for her own lack of discretion. What good does any of it do?
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Old 01-09-2012, 02:31 PM   #5
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I think you should focus on your goal, unfortunately it sounds to me like she's jealous. Try to ignore it. xx
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Old 01-09-2012, 02:37 PM   #6
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First let me say !!!! It's difficult when we don't get the support/accolades we expect - esp. from those we love the most.

2ndly, I'd like to suggest an article in this month's National Geographic magazine about twins. Some very interesting info there! Info that may or may not surprise you, but that can also give some insight to people who are NOT twins.

You asked "should I confront my twin and if I did, what would I say?" - well, that's really up to you. Do you WANT to confront her? What is it that you are "confronting?" Her attitude? Her words? Her lack of support? Ask yourself what you expect to get from a confrontation from the one you said "always" has your back. Do you want her to congratulate you on your weight loss? Try a bit harder herself? These are all important questions that only you can answer.

If you do decide to confront her, be prepared that what she says may not be what you want/expect to hear at all. Good luck!
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Old 01-09-2012, 02:41 PM   #7
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Maybe she is genuinely concerned? It's easy to say that she's jealous (and I'm not saying that she may/many not be) but she may actually be worried that you're too thin.

I'm on the upper-end of the overweight BMI category, and I've had family members tell me that I don't need to lose any more weight, and that I'm "too thin." It may be that she's just not used to seeing you this small, so it's a shock to her system.
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Old 01-09-2012, 02:44 PM   #8
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IMHO: Your sister has apparently defined herself as the less heavy one. You have changed that, and she's not comfortable with it. That and the fact that she probably wants to lose weight too and hasn't. What you're doing is threatening her status quo. This is something she needs to come to terms with. I'm sorry it's hurtful to you. You go on doing what you need to do. Her praise will come when she's come to terms with it.
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Old 01-09-2012, 02:58 PM   #9
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Thanks ladies. It does make sense that it took me a while to come to terms with the need to get healthy. I am not flaunting anything (at least not on purpose, not yet anyway) but I understand how my changes might affect a sister in a way that others wouldn't be as it is a reflection of what you should/could be doing in someone that is a similar age with a lot of the same experiences and quite possible the same body type.
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Old 01-09-2012, 03:32 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moondance View Post
IMHO: Your sister has apparently defined herself as the less heavy one. You have changed that, and she's not comfortable with it. That and the fact that she probably wants to lose weight too and hasn't. What you're doing is threatening her status quo. This is something she needs to come to terms with. I'm sorry it's hurtful to you. You go on doing what you need to do. Her praise will come when she's come to terms with it.
Yep. Spot on.
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Old 01-09-2012, 04:05 PM   #11
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Congratulations on your perseverance toward health!

IMHO, I think you shouldn't mention it to your sister. Your mother may mean well, but she shouldn't have passed on that comment. It would be a different story if your sister spoke directly to you.

I think it's impossible for a sibling or close friend in a similar situation not to compare themselves on one level or another. It's possible, on some deep level, your sister is fearful that she might not be able to achieve similar success. I suggest letting her "be" to process and figure things out on her own, and continue to have her back. I predict the day will come when she starts asking you for advice, realizing (on her own) that if you can do it so can she.
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Old 01-09-2012, 05:59 PM   #12
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I'm surprised you haven't said "what the F is your problem?" to your twin already. I would have! I have a twin sister too! We've also always been overweight since about 3rd grade. I was always typically fatter than her, until college when I dropped a bunch of weight. I'm sure that made her feel uncomfortable and a bit embarrassed of herself for being the slightly fatter one (welcome to my world, right?). But after college I gained twice as much back, which I bet she secrety (if not shamefully) felt slightly pleased about (I don't blame her though, it's always nice to be the "better" looking twin, isn't it?).
So there is always competition, but ours isn't mean. I'm betting your twin is just jealous of you. If she'd try the same diet and exercise routine maybe she'd lose along with you and not be so passive-aggressive. Maybe you should ask her if she wants to know what you're doing?
When I talked to my twin today, I told her I hit my 20-pound mark and she said "oh sh*t! I better get the ball moving or you're going to pass me!"
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Old 01-09-2012, 06:05 PM   #13
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I'd let it go. Just carry on doing your thing.

Or at most tell mom she doesn't need to pass on these comments to you. What for?

If your sister is feeling jealous, upset, threatened or whatever... that's her baggage. If she wants to talk to you directly, that's fine. But if she's in an emotional hooha, mom doesn't need to spread hooha around.

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Old 01-10-2012, 08:55 AM   #14
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Just give it some time, I'd say. If this is the first time ever you had a falling-out then you are very lucky siblings.

She probably just needs time to think what she is going to do about it. Because, even without you wanting it, you changed her life and perception of normal. She needs to cope and adjust and we do not all do that gracefully all the time.
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Old 01-10-2012, 01:23 PM   #15
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Indeed! Rapunzel, you got it. I guess I will be my own biggest cheerleader for now. Thanks for the insight all.
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