Meeting up with parents after 2 years and 145lbs !
Feel very odd about this. For reasons far too numerous to mention here I have not seen or spoken to my parents for 2 years. In that time I have conquered my weight loss demons and have lost 145lbs. I have gone from a tight size 20 to a neat size 8. I look completely different, but more than that have dealt with some of the issues that caused me to put on so much weight - namely my parents attitudes to my body.
My brother, quite intuitively, thinks the reason I have managed to succeed this time, is that they were not in my life, and therefore were unable to comment and cause the pain that they have done all my life.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this - on the one hand I'd like them to be shocked and amazed at my achievements. On the other I don't want their approval. But, I know I'd be devastated if they made no comment It is emotionally very confusing and not clear in my mind.
Just wanted to put it out there and I'm not looking for advice particularly, more an alternative perspective on how to cope with what will be an extremely emotional weekend for more reasons than one.
Once again - thanks for listening x
I think that you need to try to mentally get yourself to a place where it doesn't MATTER what they say or don't say.
Obviously, if they are not in your life, you know that they are toxic on one level or another. By making how you feel about *their* reaction, which is unpredictable but likely to follow the same toxic patterns that they have followed earlier in your life, you are giving them a lot of power to influence your emotions negatively.
Your success has nothing to do with how they react. How they react would, ideally, have no bearing on how you feel about what you've accomplished. I know that this is somewhat easier said than done, but for your own mental health, you really should try to uncouple how YOU feel about yourself from their reactions. You have accomplished amazing things, and whether or not they recognize that will be irrelevant if you decide that their reaction won't determine how you feel.
It worried me when you said you'd be "devastated" if they didn't say anything. In my experience, it's really bad to go into a situation expecting a specific reaction from toxic people, and worse to give those people the opportunity to devastate you. Know that no matter WHAT they say, you've accomplished amazing things, and that giving them the power to make you devastated is ultimately your choice.
I'm curious - what types of comments did your parents give you in the past about your weight? What specific things did they say?
Normally, people tend towards patterns of behavior - they tend to repeat themselves. If you can remember the specific types of things they used to say, then you will probably have a good idea of how their comments "will sound" when you meet them again, even despite the weight loss. You can sort of mentally prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Congratulations on a great loss. You have received great advice from mandalinn. I would just add that if the subject of weight comes up tell them that your weight is not up for discussion,then change the subject or leave the room, go outside if you have to.Make it plain that your weight will not be discussed.No compliments , no negative remarks. Do not discuss it.
Good luck.
Go in to the meeting expecting nothing. You need to spend time prior to the meetup reinforcing yourself view so that nothing they say or dont say can erode that.
Or perhaps even prepare for the worst. I have had some good luck with envisioning the worst that could happen so I can overwrite the negatives ahead of time. Have you ever heard of the technique of writing down negative thoughts, crossing them out and replacing them with positive ones? (i.e. "I have fat thighs" replace with "I have strong legs") Or replacing falacy with truth ("I am a lazy slob" - I am not lazy, I have done X minutes of exercise and done Y and Z today)
Sometimes if I go in and imagine they say the most horrible worst things possible and replace them/negate them then anything they do say is just a flea bite at worst
Everything goes better with a plan...Plan for the outcomes. What will you do if they don't notice? What will you do if they say horrible things about the way you look now? What will you do if they become defensive? Plan your response.
My parents have always been supportive. However, I recently saw them after losing some weight (though not at goal). I was SOOOO nervous and said the same thing...I would have been devastated if they didn't notice. But, I had to plan my response. If they didn't say anything, my response could not be to say what's the point and go back to my old eating habits. My response could not be to start arguing with them about how they had to notice something different (because nothing productive would come of it). I decided my response would be to feel the disappointment and respond positively by continuing on the right track KNOWING that I was doing great.
I've followed your progress and your story has been SOOOOO inspirational. You've done an amazing job....whether they notice or appreciate it or not.!
Thanks everyone for your comments. I did not really explain my feelings properly. It's extremely complex. I know it will be what it will be and that I have to cope come what may. This is not about whether I revert to old habits - I hope that would not happen whatever goes on in my life. Its really about my emotional state regarding meeting them after having changed so much. I hope I have conquered some of the other feelings. That said, you guys are, as always awesome support.
I have an inkling where you are at in your head. I have had nearly no contact with my mother for about a decade. And I know my life is far better with her out of my life than in it because no matter how hard I try to brace myself for her comments, I can't quite brace myself enough. They may even sound like innocent comments to everyone else, but when you have dealt with a very manipulative person your entire youth, you know no comment is made without thought.
So... Hugs to you. I know this has to be hard. Whatever they say or don't say realize deep in your heart that what you have done is amazing and you have every reason to feel good about it.
Last edited by berryblondeboys; 01-04-2012 at 02:56 PM.
I have an inkling where you are at in your head. I have had nearly no contact with my mother for about a decade. And I know my life is far better with her out of my life than in it because no matter how hard I try to brace myself for her comments, I can't quite brace myself enough. They may even sound like innocent comments to everyone else, but when you have dealt with a very manipulative person your entire youth, you know no comment is made without thought.
So... Hugs to you. I know this has to be hard. Whatever they say or don't say realize deep in your heart that what you have done is amazing and you have every reason to feel good about it.
Ditto: It's been almost 3 years since I found the courage to stop going back to my mom for more verbal abuse (no one, and nothing can please her, it's always some one elses fault in her head). A friend in the mental health business diagnosed her with BPD. Finally having a name to put to it really helps. Made me realize how much I have allowed others in my life to abuse me thusly. So, working hard to get them out of my life as well.
No , I didnt think you would revert. But being mentally prepared for whatever they dish out can make you brush it off easier.
I had an epiphany once with someone in my own life realizing that her criticisms about ME had very little to do with ME and everything to do with her own issues. Since then I have been able to have a less deep but less conflicted relationship as things that used to make me furious and depressed now kind of make me ...chuckle....not that I think it is funny that she has these issues, kind of an "I get it now"..chuckle.
I prepare myself for our visits still though. Its a running joke with me and a close friend. We will wager a coffee on how many criticisms she will dish out in the first hour. I get the over - always. Having that "fun" in play makes it so that I totally skip over the barb and go "oooooh! 2 more and I get a coffeee!" Psychologically a relationship and sanity savor. And then if I lose the wager it means I didnt get criticized as much as I was expecting. win-win.
I've got nothing to add, really, except that it's great that your brother understands what you've been through with your parents. I hope that helps you cope with the upcoming reunion.
Thanks everyone.
Berry/For love of self -My parents are both hyper critical and that means about every aspect of my life, that of my husband, children and anything associated with me. The criticism and negativity has been so painful over the years and I have never felt supported in anything that I have done.I have been married to a very good man for 17 years - they have never had a good word to say about him - no reason.
I have two great teenage children. Both do well at school, are sociable and good people. Yet they do not match up to their scrutiny.
I have a beautiful home - yet it's not good enough.
I have a good job, yet that isn't either.
I have kept them away from me because the pain they were inflicting was destructive.
Filial duty brings me back into their lives. They are relatively old (in their 70's) and I can't bear the thought that something may happen to them whilst we are not speaking.
I guess what I was trying to do by posting here was to arm myself, like you said Ennay, against the possible hurt from the meeting. I know I have moved on and made major strides in my life - but there is something about the relationship with parents that is tied up with duty, and "doing the right thing".
I hope the meeting will be ok - I suspect it will be very civilised, and because of that will be extremely frustrating. I suspect no mention will be made of the reasons why my brother and I have stopped speaking to them. And I guess they will have learnt nothing from the experience.
Sadly I am resigned to that fact, but certainly feel the angst of the journey (I am driving from Belgium to UK alone to have this meeting).I am very nervous- not really because I want their approval, but I guess in my idealistic brain, because I do want their approval! I m aware that it will make no difference to the achievements I have made, but somewhere inside every adult is a little child who wants to be praised for their success. Having never had parents who supported me, there is an aspirational quality to my desire to have them say "OMG you look fabulous!"
Thanks for all your wiseness - I always know where to come when I reach a sticking point in my journey.
You do look fabulous. You have a successful life. You're kind and generous enough to drive from Belgium to the UK for people who didn't manage to parent you properly.
I think that you know that you'll never get what you need from these people but you're still making an outstanding effort to be what they need. The only reward from this will be the knowledge that you are being the kind of person that your parents could never manage to be; hold on to that.
Meeting up with parents after 2 years and 145lbs !
It is emotionally very confusing and not clear in my mind.
