I don't understand how we invite absolute strangers into our diet lives....and ask their opinions, for their encouragement, share our struggles and successes (as we do here at 3FC for instance), but when our friends, coworkers, acquaintances, family members....mention our weight loss---either to compliment or to chastise---its not their business. I don't get it.
Whether people in our real life circles support, sabotage, or remain neutral, we're either not happy with them or their comments, or they aren't supportive/complimentary enough.
We are a funny bunch, us dieters....
Moms mean well. When I was in my early 20s I lost 30 pounds, dropping from 150 to 120 with QWLC over 9 weeks. I was married and didn't live at home and I was able to keep my mother at bay over the phone during that time. When I said I'm coming for a visit...now don't be surprised when you see me, I've lost weight--I had no idea she would immediately on seeing me start to cry and think I was seriously ill. I had to console her that, no, I didn't have cancer--which was her immediate thought.
Then there were the times when she had dared tell me I was gaining weight, or that I had a "chubby tendency" or "well you know you NEVER WERE TINY" - and I reminded her at h.s. graduation I was 106 pounds b/c I starved myself and probably had anorexia before it had a name in the mid 1970s.
People mess with our heads. Why? Concern. Jealousy. Love. Morbid curiosity. The worst is probably our moms, because they can feel like they somehow are responsible for our struggles. [When my hypothroidism was disgnosed, my mother said..."I'm sorry...its my fault...I made you that way." How sad is that?]
We have choices. We can yes them to death. We can educate them. We can ignore them. We can "put them in their place." We can try to understand that they just don't understand! What we have to do, tho, is not allow those outside sources throw off our mojo, sense of self and sense of accomplishment.
I hope I have not offended anyone with this post.
Edited to add: While it has little to do with the main theme here, most of us will miss our moms when they leave this earth---regardless of the quality of the relationship.
Last edited by 124chicksinger; 12-29-2011 at 05:54 PM.
I once heard a wise woman say "we should treat strangers like family and our family like strangers." We all let our guards down around loved ones, which leads to us saying things that are either thoughtless or we wish we could take back.
Isis, You are right, your mother was wrong, she overstepped, but brace yourself, it will happen again.
Because she's your mother, does that make it OK? Of course not, but because she's your mother, it's going to happen. Forgiveness is a powerful thing.
Perhaps you will need to work together on defining some boundaries.
im a size 14-16 and my bf is tiny, when we started dating my mother asked how we had sex because she said it wasnt possible for a guy like him to have intercourse with a woman as big as me, she said guys like him did not date women like me. i am probably the smallest woman my bf has ever dated. whenever i lose weight and tell her im down 3lbs she says oh well youre still really huge and youll always be big because youre family is (im adopted). i honestly think it gives her pleasure that im big because then she has someone to poke fun at. whenever i try to lose weight she will bring over tonnes of junk and fastfood or invite me over and try to force junk on me, she really does try to sabotage me, it often doesn't work because ive learned to be stronger than that but then she gets frustrated and says its pointless cause im always gonna be big. mothers do not have a god given right to insult and disrespect their children. you do not own the children you give birth to or adopt, they are their own ppl and you can't dictate them once they are an adult or they will resent you. theres a big difference between genuine worrying and being an arse. some ppl will just never be satisfied with what you do or how you look, be happy with yourself and tell your mother youre grown and she has to stop getting involved. thats just my advice.
Location: Smack dab in the middle, Newfoundland, Canada
Posts: 668
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Height: 5'0"
I can totally relate to this. I've learned to completely tune out whenever anyone starts in on the "Oh, you're not going to lose any more weight, are you? You're going to look sick/haggard/dead if you get much smaller!" spiel. I always feel like yelling, "I am five feet tall and I weigh 150 pounds! THAT IS NOT A NORMAL WEIGHT." Because it's not. I'm at the point now where I'm seriously considering handing out cards to people who start commenting on my weight loss:
-- Yes. I have lost weight. Thank you for noticing.
-- Yes, I am still losing.
-- No, I am not going to look like a "Biafran" if I lose more weight.
-- No, I am not "obsessed."
-- No, I am not starving myself.
-- No, I am not throwing up after every meal.
-- No, I don't spend hours a day at the gym.
-- Well, I'm not ruling it out, but I don't particularly care if I'll "be able to get a man now."
I swear, people lose any and all decorum and common sense when it comes to OTHER peoples' weight. I understand that, yes, for some reason I don't look as heavy as I am, but that is not my problem, and just because I don't *look* overweight doesn't mean that I'm not. I mean, I've even told people that I am fully supported by my doctor in my weight loss program, and have actually had people accuse my doctor of being an idiot.
I honestly think that people have lost perspective on what a normal, healthy weight is, so people who ARE at a healthy weight (or close to it) look "sick" or "haggard" to them. I don't get it. And I certainly don't get this attitude that other peoples' bodies are their business. o_O
My mum is nightmare too, she used have a go at me when my dad was ill cos I would eat, she lost loads of weight and was like, 'I don't know how you can eat, are you not worried about your dad at all.' Of course, I was worried sick about my dad which is precisely why I was eating, I'm a comfort eater she is not and now she keeps going on about how her daughter is 5 inches shorter than her and a size bigger than her and its not right. If she would leave me alone and stop tormenting me I might actually have the inclination to lose more weight.
I don't understand how we invite absolute strangers into our diet lives....and ask their opinions, for their encouragement, share our struggles and successes (as we do here at 3FC for instance), but when our friends, coworkers, acquaintances, family members....mention our weight loss---either to compliment or to chastise---its not their business. I don't get it.
Whether people in our real life circles support, sabotage, or remain neutral, we're either not happy with them or their comments, or they aren't supportive/complimentary enough.
We are a funny bunch, us dieters....
Moms mean well. When I was in my early 20s I lost 30 pounds, dropping from 150 to 120 with QWLC over 9 weeks. I was married and didn't live at home and I was able to keep my mother at bay over the phone during that time. When I said I'm coming for a visit...now don't be surprised when you see me, I've lost weight--I had no idea she would immediately on seeing me start to cry and think I was seriously ill. I had to console her that, no, I didn't have cancer--which was her immediate thought.
Then there were the times when she had dared tell me I was gaining weight, or that I had a "chubby tendency" or "well you know you NEVER WERE TINY" - and I reminded her at h.s. graduation I was 106 pounds b/c I starved myself and probably had anorexia before it had a name in the mid 1970s.
People mess with our heads. Why? Concern. Jealousy. Love. Morbid curiosity. The worst is probably our moms, because they can feel like they somehow are responsible for our struggles. [When my hypothroidism was disgnosed, my mother said..."I'm sorry...its my fault...I made you that way." How sad is that?]
We have choices. We can yes them to death. We can educate them. We can ignore them. We can "put them in their place." We can try to understand that they just don't understand! What we have to do, tho, is not allow those outside sources throw off our mojo, sense of self and sense of accomplishment.
I hope I have not offended anyone with this post.
Edited to add: While it has little to do with the main theme here, most of us will miss our moms when they leave this earth---regardless of the quality of the relationship.
TBH I think the reason most of us are here is because it is easier to talk about it on here, cos we don't really know each other and even for the tiniest achievement that maybe our family or friends don't notice there will always be people to say well done and keep it up and make us feel good about ourselves plus there are people on here who probably will have experienced what we do at an earlier stage in their journey so can help and encourage.
