This might not be the right place for this. But this year I started my battle against disordered eating and depression. I always considered the cause of all pain in my life to be a direct result of my physical appearance and I believed that everything could be solved if only I had enough willpower and could get to a low enough number on the scale. For the first time in my life I've admitted to myself that I have an eating disorder (binge-eating, bulimia, dysmorphia, and general OCD about how I eat, when, where, what, and in front of whom) and I want to concur this and live my life in a healthy way. Making these amends to myself for the anger I carry towards myself and others in my life is a good way to end this year.
I forgive you and I'm sorry.
Dad,
I forgive you for telling me that you didn't think I could do it.
I forgive you for what you did when I told you that I was depressed.
I forgive you for confiding your infidelity to me and I forgive your infidelity.
I forgive you for being drunk and for what you asked of me when I was 16.
I'm sorry that I made you feel guilty every time we moved for your job.
I'm sorry that I wouldn't go in the pool you kept clean and heated for us.
I'm sorry for all the lies and that I never understood your addiction.
I love you and thank you.
Mom,
I forgive you for passing on your disordered eating habits to me.
I forgive you for staying with him.
I forgive you for telling me it was my fault my ex-husband cheated on me.
I forgive you for refusing to pay for the braces I desperately wanted.
I'm sorry I never got the lesson you taught about physical beauty.
I'm sorry for always blaming you when I was the fat kid, teen, then adult.
I'm sorry that I was embarrassed by your weight when I was growing up.
I love you and thank you.
Brother,
I forgive you for the little remarks about me being the fat one.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most.
I'm sorry for being jealous of your natural thinness and athleticism.
I'm sorry that I didn't stop him from spitting on you.
I love you and thank you.
TB,
I forgive you for cheating on me.
I'm sorry I didn't know that I wasn't ready.
I'm sorry I couldn't stay.
I loved you and thank you.
JB,
I forgive you for cheating on me.
I'm sorry for the guilt trips, fights, silence, and anger.
I'm sorry I couldn't stay.
I loved you and thank you.
AB,
I'm sorry I never knew you were the best one.
I loved you and thank you.
Me,
I forgive you for being overweight.
I forgive you for broken relationships and burning bridges.
I forgive you for taking so long to get help.
I forgive you for negative self talk, for feeling sorry for yourself, for silencing every emotion with food, for every binge and every purge.
I'm sorry I never respected you.
I'm sorry I didn't believe in you.
I'm sorry for the last ten years...and the ten years before that.
I'm sorry I put you in that situation...and that I let it happen again.
I love you and thank you.
It feels really good to put this out there and even though I may not express all of these things to the people in my life, granting the forgiveness and making the apologies to myself for carrying these things around for so many years feels good. I feel lighter already!
Feel free to add your own Ho‘oponopono.
Happy New Year.
Ho‘oponopono (or setting things right)
