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Holding yourself back in life

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Old 12-21-2011, 12:30 AM   #1
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Default Holding yourself back in life

I've been doing a bit of soul searching lately and I have identified an unusual habit that I have had all of my life and I am wondering if anyone else has done this.

First it is important that you know that I have been overweight for the whole of my 22 years on this earth. I have found that I have this internal monologue that says to me... "no, you can't do that because fat people aren't allowed to do that"

I can remember doing this from as young as 5/6 years old and it ranged in everything from wearing my hair in something other than a ponytail to being allowed to talk about boys in high school.

I have essentially convinced myself that I am not allowed the normal experiences and choices in life because of my weight.

Has anyone else found that they do this?
Did or has it gotten better as you have gotten healthier?

thanks all
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:59 AM   #2
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Oh I'm exactly the same way. It was bad in highschool. I was uncomfortable talking about boys with friends, especially after a friend said loudly there was no point in me having a crush on anyone because of the way I looked.
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Old 12-21-2011, 05:49 AM   #3
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I did this. Well, I do this.

It will get somewhat better as you start getting healthier.

Although, even to this day, I stay away from certain unique style choices, thinking "I'll wear that when I'm thinner - only thin people look good in that." Or hairstyles. Or makeup styles.

Even though I'm not super "thrilled" with my body, it no longer stops me from going to the beach in a bikini or wearing a mini-dress.

One thing that always frightened me when I was young was wearing any sort of watch, bracelet or ring. Namely because they didn't fit. Friends would want me to try on their watches, bracelets, or rings and I couldn't squeeze them on. To this day, even though my wrists/hands are more normal in size, I have angst when it comes to putting these things on. My boyfriend is ready to go shopping for marriage bands and I am not looking forward to the salesperson piddling through her rings because my finger won't ever fit the ring that is on display.

I think those traumatic childhood experiences stick with us for life - altering our perception. A woman who had never had weight problems before wouldn't be phased if her fingers didn't fit the small ring size on display. But, especially for those among us who have been very overweight as children or young adults, we carry around a very deeply ingrained shame and feeling of not fitting in.
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Old 12-21-2011, 08:52 AM   #4
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Like you, I was overweight for just about my whole life, all 23 years until I hit a Normal BMI back in November.

I know exactly how you feel.

When I was younger I stopped myself from doing many things because I was overweight. "Fat people can't do that." I would tell myself. Even in college when I really began to come out of my shell even more, there were things I just didn't do because I was embarrassed. Sure, I did much more (I ran events, studied abroad, took leadership roles) than I did when I truly hated myself, but I still held myself back.

I found that as I've lost weight I've come out of my shell even more.

But still, don't wait to be thin to enjoy life. Enjoy it now, because you deserve it.
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Old 12-21-2011, 09:55 AM   #5
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Interesting topic...I've always felt that way about wearing bracelets, sunglasses, watches and decorative rings. I've always thought they look ridiculous on my hands or eyes because of my weight and have generally never worn them (even if I found accessories that fit). When I wore sunglasses, I thought I was calling attention to myself and trying to show off in some weird way. Hmmmmmm......thought provoking.
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:22 AM   #6
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I can totally relate to this. Although my mindset was always "I'll do that/wear that/ ect. when I lose the weight."

I've always avoided calling any extra attention to myself. Even with art...I'm a pretty good artist, but I hate getting attention for it.

I've also always avoided confrontation, and until I met my husband I never stood up for myself. I was a big pushover...he gave me the confidence to speak my mind.

Even now I find myself doing it though. He wants to start having babies as soon as we can, and I do too...but I'm still thinking "I don't want to get pregnant until I'm at my goal weight." Because I don't want to be a fat pregnant person.

This time around I'm going to stop putting my life on hold. I can always lose weight, but there will never be another today. I don't need to wait until I'm "thin" to enjoy it.
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Old 12-21-2011, 02:33 PM   #7
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I am still bad at this, there have been times where I have looked at a dress and said to myself "It would be a punishment to the public if I wore that". I truly feel bad for the public if I think I am wearing something not right for my body type. Even after losing 40lbs, I still feel gross and am dealing with a lot of self hating issues currently.

I have also held myself back in school, I have no signed up for the post secondary courses that I want to do because I feel like I will be judged on my choice due to my size. I also choose not to wear some styles of clothing because I am worried I will offend others with my giggle. I have no got the tattoo I want because I feel sorry for the artist that has to hold my giggle steady. There are several things I have taken away from myself, and although I am trying to change it is a very difficult process.
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