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Back Again ~ Embarrassed, Frustrated, Depressed

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Old 12-19-2011, 08:56 PM   #1
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Default Back Again ~ Embarrassed, Frustrated, Depressed

In February of 2010 I was 264 pounds. I joined 3FC in March of 2010. With disciplined calorie counting I had lost 64 pounds by October 2010, despite emergency gall bladder surgery in the summer.

I'm embarrassed to admit that 14 months later I have gained back almost every pound. When I am this heavy I really feel uncomfortable, out of shape, unhealthy, and unattractive.

This past year has been one of the toughest for me ever. This past spring my mom was diagnosed with an aggressive stage 4 Lymphoma and given two months to live without treatment. I put getting my degree on hold and somehow managed to juggle working full time and taking her to regular treatments that required an 8 hour round trip for me. Thankfully after months of chemo my mom is in remission and the future looks promising regarding her condition. I am relieved and grateful, but absolutely drained and surprisingly depressed. Perhaps I was bottling up stress and sadness for months to do what needed to be done and now that it is over I'm having to deal with all those emotions? That is another issue all together.

From my experiences I can tell you that without a doubt, I am addicted to high sugar, high fat, processed food. At least through this past year of horrible eating choices, I was mindful that I was using food to cope. I've been cognizant of my biological cravings for food and my noticeable lift in mood after eating (as fleeting as the feeling can sometimes be.) This past year has been about a lack of will control on my part, but I'm well aware that it has been fueled by an unhealthy biological cycle in my body. A lot of times I wasn't even enjoying the food I was putting in my mouth. The stress and depression from the situation I've been in has allowed me to justify not getting my eating habits under control. I've been using overeating as an ineffective and temporary way to elevate stress and lift my mood.

This whole year I've known I needed to get back on track. I kept reminding myself that I had gained weight, but I could still salvage some of the weight loss that I had worked so hard for. Now I'm faced with the fact that I'm back where I started with far less hope, energy and fortitude to begin again. Intellectually I know how to start, but emotionally I don't know where to begin.

Thank you for reading this. I could use a healthy dose of encouragement and prayer if you have any to spare.
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:12 PM   #2
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Dear Renwomin, Oh my goodness sweetie, have you had a tough year. I'm so sorry for your struggles, but I'm sooooo grateful that your mother had you to depend on. Please give yourself some credit for all that you did. You gave your mother aide, help and hope. That is so wonderful. What a blessing you were to her.

Unfortunately, you're just like the rest of us. We take care of everyone but ourselves and then when we have a set back with our weight, we act like we've done the worst thing in the world. Isn't it crazy?

Well, maybe you can get some aide help and hope here. This is the place, as you know.

You clearly know the mechanics of weight loss, because you have had wonderful success in the past, which means that you definitely can make it happen again (almost everyone here has been in your exact shoes). I think it's wonderful that you're back - I'm a newbie myself - after years of ups and downs and you know what.

Cut yourself some slack, and just try to be good to yourself. The rest will come.
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:16 PM   #3
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You can do it. I did the same thing and gain my weight back but i got back up and trying it again. Its never to late ok. Just start slow then work ur way down. Cut off something lil by lil and then you be on ur way. Track and plan is my motor. Good luck and don't feel bad cuz ur isn't the first to gain the weight back and you won't be the last.
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:22 PM   #4
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First off, thank goodness your mom is doing well. As Italiannie wrote, you were a blessing to her in her time of serious need.

Embarrassed? No need. We're human and imperfect. With what you were carrying, its no wonder taking care of yourself totally went out the window and food, even tho comforting and sometimes unenjoyable, was a familiar outlet. I once said to a friend of mine after crying on the phone for an hour, when she had calmed me down and asked "is there anything RIGHT NOW that would make things better" - that a bowl of noodles with butter might help. Can you imagine? I think you can.

Food has the ability to soothe...and the underbelly of that is it has the capacity to increase our girth and ultimately those moments of soothing turn into feelings of discontent with ourselves.

Anyhow, the point being, no one here will judge you. Also, give yourself a pat on the back for getting your mom and yourself through a difficult time, and getting through the fire to a place where, now, you can refocus on you. Emotionally--don't beat yourself up.

If you think you can, you can. It sounds to me like you can. I wish you nothing but success.

Tight hugs, Donna
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:23 PM   #5
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Hugs! I know the feeling, have gone through this at least three times in my lifetime. You are not alone and you can do it again. And now with the added xperience of what not to do once you get to goal. We live and we learn. Please don't be discouraged!
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:03 PM   #6
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You are not alone. You can do this! I lost 45 lbs and regained. Now I'm slowly losing again. Just enjoy the journey and don't hate yourself for anything. Love yourself to the fullest.
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Old 12-20-2011, 12:15 AM   #7
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Every losing and gaining experience can be informative, part of the process, if we reflect on it and gather the knowledge we received from it. It is quite similar to getting a bad grade in school. Often times we learn more from the bad grade than if we had merely only gotten A+'s.

Next time around you will be prepared for life's trials and tribulation - meaning there will be less of a chance you'll gain it back. Many people on this site complain of yoyo dieting (I think I have too), but it is really just part of this long, learning process we go through to understand our body and what it needs.

Your mother required all of your focus and attention - you had no energy for planning meals/counting calories/restricting calories. Now that her health is in order (what an amazing story!), you can start taking little steps to get your health back in order. I think you did what was necessary and that is commendable.
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Old 12-20-2011, 12:46 AM   #8
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Renwomin,
I've been where you are, I don't know what is worse, watching someone you love dealing with cancer, or having to be the caretaker to your parent. Now your mother is getting better it's time to take care of yourself. Instead of using food for comfort, trust me I've done my share of that, Take a walk outside and get some sun, if after a half an hour of exercise or doing something outside you still want the comfort food eat a small portion of it. Just remember you have given yourself to everyone else, it's time to take a little for yourself.
Emotionally it will be hard for a while, but write things down, I'm keeping several journals, and spend some quiet time in prayer or meditation. I was told recently that I needed to remember that I couldn't do everthing myself I had to hand it off to God. I'll say a prayer for you.
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Old 12-20-2011, 01:02 AM   #9
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You've had a lot to deal with this year. Considering all that you've been through, you're not doing that badly. You still weigh less than your previous high, and it sounds like you've become - and stayed - aware of how the foods you eat affect you, even if you didn't act on that knowledge.

You can lose the weight again. My advice would be to start now - don't wait to feel hopeful or motivated. It's okay if you can't be as disciplined right now as you were before; just making little changes that you can stick with will help.
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Old 12-20-2011, 07:27 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unna View Post
Every losing and gaining experience can be informative, part of the process, if we reflect on it and gather the knowledge we received from it. It is quite similar to getting a bad grade in school. Often times we learn more from the bad grade than if we had merely only gotten A+'s.

Next time around you will be prepared for life's trials and tribulation - meaning there will be less of a chance you'll gain it back. Many people on this site complain of yoyo dieting (I think I have too), but it is really just part of this long, learning process we go through to understand our body and what it needs.

Your mother required all of your focus and attention - you had no energy for planning meals/counting calories/restricting calories. Now that her health is in order (what an amazing story!), you can start taking little steps to get your health back in order. I think you did what was necessary and that is commendable.
^^THIS^^ I couldn't agree more.

To the OP, you are an amazing person, and your mother is so blessed to have you. Isn't it great that you are a blessing in someone's life?

Here's what I have learned from years of yo-yo dieting & finally from this last attempt, which seemed the most effortless: 1) Focus on changing your behaviors, not on the scale; 2) Move more in general, even if you cannot commit to formal exercise; 3) Do what you can. If you do not have the energy to calorie count or even plan meals, just make smarter choices. You (and most of us lifelong dieters) know what we should eat to be healthier. As long as you are doing #1 (not focusing on the scale), those small changes will eventually add up to big losses. 4) Again, if you don't feel like calorie counting, cut down on portion size. Even cutting down by 1/3 of your usual portion will make a difference.

That's what worked for me when I started this process.
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Old 12-20-2011, 06:29 PM   #11
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Thank you all for your words of encouragement! It was good for the soul and something I needed to hear.

It is so hard not to feel like a failure when you've had good success. I know that a lot of you have gone through the gung-ho "This is the last time I'm going to be fat!" phase to only find yourself heavier again. If we learn from our failures then I'm becoming a weight loss genius!

I'm sure most of us know more about nutrition and weight loss than the average never been overweight skinny mini. If only all it took was knowledge!

I don't feel ready for the super disciplined "count everything that goes into my mouth" plan right now, but I can make better choices here and there. Now if I can just be better at celebrating the small successes...

It feels good to be "back" around here instead of lurking embarrassed in the shadows.
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Old 12-20-2011, 07:08 PM   #12
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Ok, I have to say that your an amazing person. You COMPLETELY devoted yourself to taking care of your mom and its amazing that she's doing better....but now you need to start putting time back into yourself. You should find an activity that you love doing, maybe swimming, or tennis, or prehaps walking/jogging, and slowly start incorpurating it into your daily ruitine. Baby steps. Don't jump into a full out diet plan right away. Make small changes such as, I will only eat fast food once this week, or I will walk 10 minuntes everyday. Gradually make the progression into a lifestyle you can life with, and do it at your own pace, and on your own scedule ...You've lost weight before and you can do it again. Just remember that Good luck
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:40 PM   #13
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How wonderful that your mother is now in remission. You are such a loving, caring daughter for doing all you did/do for her. Give yourself a big pat on the back for that.

We are here so help and support you any way we can. There are so many people here that kindly reach out to motivate and inspire us and pick us up when we are down. I love it!

Welcome back!!
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Old 12-21-2011, 09:41 AM   #14
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You are an amazing person, and I have so much respect for how much you've taken on this year.

You can do this, you know that. Welcome back!
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