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Hurtful weight related ruined Thanksgiving for me

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Old 11-24-2011, 05:52 PM   #1
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Angry Hurtful weight related ruined Thanksgiving for me

I dont know why I let it get to me so much as I fully expected and prepared for my dad to make a comment on my recent weightloss, a negative one of course. Either I'm too fat or I'm too thin.
We were there all of 15 minutes and my kids were eating from the cheese and cracker platter and my older one said he liked the salami. I said I'm glad he likes it because he's a super picky eater and he dislikes nearly everything we get him to try. With that my dad said " you better start eating some because you are getting way too thin." and it wasn't even said in a humorous way. It was said really nasty like he almost sounded angry. This is the same guy that last time I visited told me what a pig my aunt is and went on to tell me how gross it is that she binge eats. And he makes comments to my step mom who is over weight about her weight. He has always been VERY critical of women's bodies, especially 'fat' women.

I was livid. I felt my face flush with anger and I was rather nasty in return. I asked him if he'd like to be educated on what a healthy weight actually is and a healthy BMI. I told him "I'm an RN in case you forgot and I am far more informed on what a healthy weight is. And it's sad that we grown so used to seeing overweight people that we don't know a person of a healthy weight when we see it. " Then I followed that by saying that his comment was very hurtful and rude and uncalled for. He got a little mad at me and just said sorry and 'it's over with' but about 30 seconds later I said again 'wow that was just so hurtful' and 'maybe you are just so used to seeing me fat the last 30 years that being healthy looks weird" and he snapped "sorry" at me again. At that point I excused myself and took a 10 minute time out because I was so freakin angry I felt as if I could put a hole through the wall. I just knew he would say something. When I rejoined them I did say ' so are you going to be watching what I eat today? Because now I've lost my appetite' and I left it at that.

We are going to be away for Xmas. I am so glad too. If I didn't have the kids with me I would have left.
I know I probably over reacted but why do people think they have the right to comment on my body?????????
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Old 11-24-2011, 06:07 PM   #2
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Holidays make people crazy. My mother got mad at me for bringing lobster after I said I was bringing lobster because she thought I was joking. She said next time for me to say "seriously." So I yelled and said she was being ridiculous and then my sister cried.

Good times!

It still sucks, though.
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Old 11-24-2011, 06:18 PM   #3
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Yeah for family drama. :/
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Old 11-24-2011, 06:44 PM   #4
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GlamourGirl, I'm really sorry that your day was ruined because of him. If you have told him not to speak to you like that..and he still does...he doesn't need the pleasure of having his daughter and grandchildren on a holiday (or any day) until he can act like a decent person.

(ps - your weight loss is wow!! congrats!! I want to be 147 on a good day )

Seagirl - oh my gosh to that drama!

My moment that I will never forgive my sister for - she hosted a Thanksgiving dinner at her house. And everybody helped, either by bringing a dish or helping cook. When the food was ready, she almost yells, "It's ready!! come on! I didn't work this hard for it to get cold!" So my husband and 2 boys obediently got up and went towards the table.

My b*tch of a sister then says, 'Oh the heavy hitters are at the table. We'll have to wait'.

Never, ever, EVER will I forget that.
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Old 11-24-2011, 07:03 PM   #5
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We can't control people but onlu our reaction to them! My guess this is a life pattern for him and you won"t change him now. Congrats on the "time out" and not letting it turn volatile.
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Old 11-24-2011, 07:27 PM   #6
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Vermontmom, that was awful what your sister said! I am just floored by how hurtful people can be, and how easily they over step boundaries when it comes to comment about weight. And the fact that your kids were included in that comment. There's no excuse for it.
It upsets me that the whole thing happened in front of my kids, and my older son, heard the whole thing. I don't want him to further witness that sort of thing. Today was the most direct I have ever been with my father, and I expect that it shocked him a bit. I can only take a wait and see approach to know if he will keep future comments to himself. The next time, if there is one, hopefully I will be able to think clear enough to say "you are not allowed to comment on my appearance".

Honestly, I got so flustered from anger that I was not thinking clear enough to set those boundaries. In hind sight, I wish I had. In the past he was always openly critical of other women in front of me, but only more rencently he has been critical of my body.


Thank you free1. I truly wanted to start screaming at him. I do have a typical Irish temper and I have been working on not speaking too much while angry because then I really say things I regret. Besides, my kids were there, and I know my older son knew what was going on, that 'something hurtful was said about mommy that really upset her.' I didn't want to cause a huge scene infront of my kids.
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Old 11-24-2011, 08:33 PM   #7
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Ahh! The holidays!

I realized something today about the holidays.

Our expectations, are not reality.

Most of us would love to have the Norman Rockwell holiday. Sadly, that mostly does not happen.

My family for the most part, is pretty good. Until you toss in my mother. I love her, I really do! But I barely got in the door today and she was all over me about the fact that my 31 year old son, had neglected to respond to her facebook and email messages that they weren't coming. I didn't even know until yesterday.

I work 5 days one week, from 7:30 a.m. to 5 p.m., one week, the next week I work 6 days. My son is a state trooper, DOT officer and on the SWAT team, his wife works nights and does sleep studies, and they have a 9 month old daughter. And he spend a lot of time 250 miles away from home for training, they train all the time!

I do understand that it probably would not have been that big a deal to let her know ahead of time, but when you work that many hours, and we both work in emergency jobs, I work for a veterinarian, sometimes those things just slide by.

Mom is retired so she does expect instant response, without stopping to think, we might be busy and TIRED!

Then it was the whole, "where is your husband?" Uhmm, home loading hay. We sold all of our hay to the vet tech I work with. He has the same crappy schedule I do, and he has to work this weekend. Today, he had the day off, no family stuff, the big pickup, trailer and time. So my DH loaded him up over and over, so the vet tech could get the hay hauled for his cows. This means a big paycheck for us! So, I had to explain, the time/work issue, because my DH also has a job. We have the tractor on one end to load the trailer, the VT has the equipment to haul and unload on the other end, and it's 70 degrees outside. Not trying to haul hay in the cold and wind and snow. Not to mention the MONEY!

Once I got past all of that, it was good, we did have a good time.

Onward to Christmas, bringing duct tape for Mom's mouth!
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Old 11-24-2011, 08:58 PM   #8
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thanks, GlamourGirl! the only good thing is that my kids and DH did not hear that comment, I have kept it from them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GlamourGirl827 View Post
The next time, if there is one, hopefully I will be able to think clear enough to say "you are not allowed to comment on my appearance".

Honestly, I got so flustered from anger that I was not thinking clear enough to set those boundaries. In hind sight, I wish I had. In the past he was always openly critical of other women in front of me, but only more rencently he has been critical of my body. .
OK, I had assumed that maybe he had been told already that comments about your body were off limits..not that he should feel free to do that anyway! but I guess he needs to be told directly, I guess he just doesn't get it otherwise. So by all means, the next time you are together, if you can find the patience and strength to quietly tell him that you were embarassed and hurt by his comments today and those kind of comments are not welcomed.

Jeez!!! we have to have strength to resist overeating and all these holiday treats..we have to have strength to get through our family parties
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:16 PM   #9
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GlamourGirl827, I know you wish that you had maybe said things differently... But honestly? sometimes some drama is needed to get a point across. I'd say anytime someone is handing you that crap, it's OK for you to stand up for yourself. And if you have to "act out" to get heard, so be it.

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Old 11-24-2011, 09:45 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GlamourGirl827 View Post
I dont know why I let it get to me so much as I fully expected and prepared for my dad to make a comment on my recent weightloss, a negative one of course. Either I'm too fat or I'm too thin.
We were there all of 15 minutes and my kids were eating from the cheese and cracker platter and my older one said he liked the salami. I said I'm glad he likes it because he's a super picky eater and he dislikes nearly everything we get him to try. With that my dad said " you better start eating some because you are getting way too thin." and it wasn't even said in a humorous way. It was said really nasty like he almost sounded angry. This is the same guy that last time I visited told me what a pig my aunt is and went on to tell me how gross it is that she binge eats. And he makes comments to my step mom who is over weight about her weight. He has always been VERY critical of women's bodies, especially 'fat' women.

I was livid. I felt my face flush with anger and I was rather nasty in return. I asked him if he'd like to be educated on what a healthy weight actually is and a healthy BMI. I told him "I'm an RN in case you forgot and I am far more informed on what a healthy weight is. And it's sad that we grown so used to seeing overweight people that we don't know a person of a healthy weight when we see it. " Then I followed that by saying that his comment was very hurtful and rude and uncalled for. He got a little mad at me and just said sorry and 'it's over with' but about 30 seconds later I said again 'wow that was just so hurtful' and 'maybe you are just so used to seeing me fat the last 30 years that being healthy looks weird" and he snapped "sorry" at me again. At that point I excused myself and took a 10 minute time out because I was so freakin angry I felt as if I could put a hole through the wall. I just knew he would say something. When I rejoined them I did say ' so are you going to be watching what I eat today? Because now I've lost my appetite' and I left it at that.

We are going to be away for Xmas. I am so glad too. If I didn't have the kids with me I would have left.
I know I probably over reacted but why do people think they have the right to comment on my body?????????
They say kids are cruel in what they say to each other and not really know what they are saying,but adults are supposed to know. I think all can be cruel.It is a shame that we can't be polite and not say things about ones size or eats. Esp when in fron of children.
I am so sorry that your day was destroyed. You are doing super on your weight.
I have family that live in the same house and don't say anything to my face about my weight loss and one esp gets very pissed when someone else says anything in front of her about my loss. Somehow,I am learning to shrug these sites off and keep telling myself they are only jealious and I amd doing much better for my new life. Keep on going girl,your doing great. Will be sooooo happy to reach where you are now.
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:01 PM   #11
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Remember in the future, we decide how we are going to react to a situation. I am finally realizing this myself. I am trying to hold my tongue and not to quick to responding. It is a process of learning. You can do it and you be stronger when facing hurtful comments. Responding back in a very calming way will put out the fire that is starting.Practice what you are going to say the next time, so you will be prepared. You can do this! You have made so much progress and we are proud of you.
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:09 PM   #12
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im so sorry you guys have to put up with that BS.


my family is very open and can be crude, a good F off works. haha


my dad isnt too bad he always likes to remind me that everything else is ok but that i need to "work on my stomach area"...
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Old 11-25-2011, 12:49 AM   #13
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families can be so hurtful. Hope the holiday season is treating you well otherwise glamourgirl

I luckily got lots of positive complements on my weight loss.
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:15 AM   #14
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Hey GlamourGirl827

Over 70+ pounds lost? Woman!!!! Can I get an applaud people!! So, so , so proud of you! That is a MASSIVE MASSIVE loss.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this and on Thanksgiving of all!

I've also come to the realisation that people will talk about you/other people. Say and comment on other people's weight either it be because they are overweight, normal or underweight.

I see we're both 5'6 and in the 140's. I also have had epople say I'm too thin. It's just I think they're so used to seeing us at our starting weight that they can't come to the realisation of what we look now and then they say we're too thin.
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Old 11-25-2011, 03:59 AM   #15
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I'm used to reading about women criticizing other women about their bodies - the men usually don't make too many comments. But it sounds like your dad is always commenting on women's bodies and whether they are too thin or too big.

I find that odd. I'd like to understand what he gets out of talking about this theme.

Anyway, I have another theory gathered from the posts on this website: our family and friends are ambivalent about our weight loss:

They warn us when we get too large, but then they become freaked out when we start to enter a normal weight range.

Because this behaviour is unexplainable on a conscious level, I think we have to consider the unconcsious (or preconscious) motivations. Your group may be first worried that your extra weight will diminish your own health, thus the health of the group.

You lose and your weight loss becomes a sign that someone in the group is starving. They then tell you to quit.

Also, I think there is an additional competitive aspect in the group. If another member advised you to lose weight, they are probably somewhat lean. They are known by the other members for possessing moderation and self-discipline. You encroach on their territory.

Of course this is just from the group perspective.

It is interesting, nonetheless.
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