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First negative comment --from family, no less.

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Old 11-24-2011, 09:57 AM   #1
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Default First negative comment --from family, no less.

When I was out for my daily walk on Monday, I dropped in at our local pharmacy to pick up a prescription. While there, I bumped into my aunt, who's a cashier there. The first thing she said was, "Well, you're still losing weight, I see." I made a comment along the lines of, "Yep, still got a little ways more to go" (I actually still have thirty pounds to go before I reach my goal weight.)

And she says, "Well, be careful. You might not want to lose much more -- it's starting to show in your face. You're looking a bit haggard."

....Pardon me?

I have been on my weight loss journey for nearly ten months, and I can honestly say that this is the very first time anyone has said anything even remotely negative about how I look. I'd love to say that her comment didn't upset me, but it did. I'd love to have been able to come back at her with something snarky, but as it was, all I could manage was "Well, that's odd. I've been losing weight for nearly a year and you're the very first person who's said anything negative to me. Everyone else is amazed at how I'm managing to lose without losing my skin's elasticity."

When I got home, I immediately studied my face in the mirror and realized...she's full of ****. I am thirty-one years old, for God's sake. OK, fine, maybe I don't have the skin I had when I was twenty, but I certainly don't look "haggard" (what a lovely word, eh?) I think I look pretty damn good.

And then I realized...if a hundred people have told me how amazing I look, and *one* person has told me I'm starting to look old, who should I believe?

But I have to admit that it really did upset me at first, because looking old or "haggard" is something I've worked really hard to avoid. It's why I'm trying to lose the weight slowly, you know? And it really kind of undermined my confidence to hear that.

My mother, God love her, immediately came to the conclusion that it was pure jealousy talking and that I shouldn't pay one bit of attention to people like that. She's right (on both counts, I'm pretty sure) but...like, why are people like that? It's beyond me. You'd think she'd be happy that I'm not a friggin' walking timebomb anymore!
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:02 AM   #2
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Jeolously is an ugly thing which cause ordinarily decent people to say ugly things.
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:18 AM   #3
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Its true, the only negative comments I've had have been from people who aren't having a great time with their own lives, and feel the need to project that onto someone who is having some much needed luck i.e. job, weight loss, social life etc. I'm so glad you haven't taken it to heart, as your weight loss is amazing, and I truly believe that you'll continue to look amazing when you get to goal xxx
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:19 AM   #4
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snoofie that is an ugly word. as I read it, I thought to myself, who says that? It's an out and out ugly word, no matter how you look at it. And I agree it is probably jealousy. Sometimes its not even about weight loss, but just sticking to something that they can be jealous of. Who knows, but blow that one off. You're right, more compliments proves that that one was just too wild to even think about. I, too, am afraid of looking "haggard" as I am old 40 , but I have no wrinkles, none. I'm afraid I will though after the journey ends...or closer to goal. But so what...I'm strong and healthy and that is way better in my book.

You're doing great...blow that word away and prove just how young and spry you are
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:41 AM   #5
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She has the green eyed envy monster in her. Haggered is SO MEAN! I wouldn't even say that to someone I didn't like! Remember this:

Mediocrity always attacks excellence

When people achieve success, no matter in any form (financial, emotional, physical etc) people who are "comfy" and not willing to better themselves will almost ALWAYS attack it!

So you just keep being excellent
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Old 11-24-2011, 11:22 AM   #6
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I just love people who say things like that (hopefully, you can detect my sarcasm). It always amazes me because I honestly cannot imagine myself saying such a thing to anyone else.
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Old 11-24-2011, 11:23 AM   #7
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She will come up with more negative statements in the future, so be ready.
She sounds abusive.

You could say next time: "Funny, I noticed you looked haggard also. But I thought it would be best not to say anything because I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

A good response is also:
"That's interesting. Why would you say that to me?"

Today's Thanksgiving! Enjoy the day.



May your stuffing be tasty
And your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
Your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off of your thighs!
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Old 11-24-2011, 12:00 PM   #8
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I'm sorry. But I'm happy it wasn't your mother. It seems like she is your real cheerleader.

This is one of the reasons we didn't go to family's house for Thanksgiving. I'm still a good 20lbs over my normal BMI, and want to lose 30. My husband's whole side is morbidly obese. Well maybe not the whole side, but a good portion of it, mostly the women. I don't want to hear that I'm to thin from someone that big.
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Old 11-24-2011, 12:12 PM   #9
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That's exactly the same thing that my Mom has said to me. It's so annoying, especially since she is over 300 pounds herself. I think people say things like that to make themselves feel better
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Old 11-24-2011, 02:32 PM   #10
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The only negative comments I have received are from family also. I think everyone is right when they say that it sounds like pure jealousy. I'm pretty sure that when someone in your family succeeds at something (like losing weight) that others cannot they project those negative feelings onto you. Maybe she is actually worried because she knows you look so much better then her?

Listen to your mom, she sounds like a very smart women! Congrats on your weight loss so far, your doing great!
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Old 11-24-2011, 02:43 PM   #11
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I think it is unanimous:

Your aunt is CUCKOO!

Seriously - avoid her. She sounds somewhat delusional - even the word she chose, "haggard", is odd and creepy.
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Old 11-24-2011, 02:50 PM   #12
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as someone who has 12 aunts, let me tell you, sometimes aunts say things that are mean and full of crap.

some people don't know how to say things that are uplifting and spout verbal diarrhea instead.

forget her, you're doing great! this journey is for you and what you want, so her opinion doesn't matter anyway!
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Old 11-24-2011, 06:04 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JOLINA View Post
"Funny, I noticed you looked haggard also. But I thought it would be best not to say anything because I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

A good response is also:
"That's interesting. Why would you say that to me?"
Right on! It's too bad it's sometimes hard to come up with some smart comebacks like that in the moment. I have family who say mean things without a single care, and I hope I can think on my feet and be prepared when I see them.

Jealousy, for sure. It's terrible how people, when they know you're losing weight, feel it is OK to say anything they want. If you really did look haggard and it had nothing to do with weight loss, I'm sure she'd have had no reason to mention it.

I'm glad you're not taking it to heart. And really, in the end, you're going to look so great that even if you did look haggard, you'd still probably look better than her on her best day, any day of the week!

Walking time bomb... ROFL!
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Old 11-24-2011, 08:47 PM   #14
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I'm not 100% sure it was jealousy... I'm wondering if maybe it was a really clumsy way of trying to show worry and concern for you. Maybe she's been so used to you being 60 pounds heavier, so the new you looks strange and thin... she's maybe just not used to it yet. So then she might have been trying to express her legitimate concern that you aren't going 'overboard' with your weight loss. Just a thought.. maybe??

I know my mom says some not-so-nice things at times, but at the same time she is also my big cheerleader in life. She is ALWAYS thrilled for my every success, large or small. But at the same time, nearly every time she sees me (lately just on Skype as we're living in South America).. she always says "are you doing okay? You're looking really pale and tired". And most of the time I'm feeling jim-dandy and full of beans. So after our call I go have a look in the mirror, wondering if I do look pale and tired all the time... But where I really think it's coming from is that I had thyroid cancer 11 years ago, and that's when teh comments started. I think she's trying to ask in a roundabout way if I'm doing okay, feeling okay etc so that she doesn't have to worry about my health. Maybe??? not sure, but that's my idea...

Anyhow, sorry you had such negative feedback from your aunt - that's a real downer. Don't let it get to you though!
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:15 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JOLINA View Post
She will come up with more negative statements in the future, so be ready.
She sounds abusive.

You could say next time: "Funny, I noticed you looked haggard also. But I thought it would be best not to say anything because I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

A good response is also:
"That's interesting. Why would you say that to me?"

Today's Thanksgiving! Enjoy the day.


I think it's good to have comebacks ready, and those are great!

there's always 'wow, you really said that out loud, you must be sooo embarrassed'. or 'mmm, I don't think so'. I don't see the need to try to spare someone's feelings who has been snarky to you.

You have done GREAT!! and i know hearing that hurt you, but you have to try to forget it. Think of all the compliments you have gotten.
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