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Falling back into old, but safe, patterns. And I'm miserable.

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Old 11-12-2011, 04:30 PM   #1
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Default Falling back into old, but safe, patterns. And I'm miserable.

After gaining 10 pounds recently I have been falling back into old patterns from a year ago before I lost weight. Why? Because it's safe. It's secure. It stops me from giving into temptation. I am isolating myself from the world. If I don't go out that means I won't drink and I won't order bad food.

But last year I didn't go out because I was ashamed of how I looked. And I had no one to go out with as my isolation pushed most of my friends away. But lately I have loved going out too much. I have been loving my confidence level. I have loved doing my hair and makeup and putting on clothes that I looked kinda cute in. But I haven't loved the bad food choices I have been making. But who on earth wants to go to a sports bar on football Sunday and order a salad and a water? NOT me. And you know how I rationalize my bad eating? Well, money has been tight lately so my rationale is that if I am going to go out and spend money it'll be on food that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

So this non-salad, non-water ordering girl has gone back into hibernation. No going out, no spending money on crap and I'm back feeling safe and secure. But I'm miserable that I am not strong enough to have the best of both worlds. It's all or nothing for me. I have to either stay home and stay on plan or go out and throw caution to the calorie wind.

To make my situation worse....I have a wonderful boyfriend that I am looking for a reason to dump because he always wants to take me out to eat or cook for. Last night I tried to pick a fight about him tucking his t-shirt into his jeans.

I'm a mess.
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Last edited by ShanIAm : 11-12-2011 at 04:32 PM.
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Old 11-12-2011, 06:50 PM   #2
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You need hugs!

I am so sorry you're going into hibernation.

The question I have to ask is why is it either/or?

And why can't you just go to the sports bar and order the salad? There's nothing wrong with ordering the salad.

It sounds like you are still equating food = fun, but that's the mentality that got us all overweight (me included!).

I've been going through this process for a couple of years now when I've been de-linking the association with food = fun. It's still hard sometimes, especially with teh boyfriend, but he's been learning that we can still have fun with either higher quality food (less junk) or only on very special occasions. Now he worries about whether this restaurant or that place will have a great salad that I like (and he knows what I like).

There is a middle ground and you just have to spend some time in it, feeling it out. It doesn't have to be black or white.

Yes, will take you telling yourself that you can't eat this or eat that AND you still have to be social even if you're only drinking water that night. And you have to tell yourself to still be there, to be present, to focus on your friends/boyfriend rather than on the food you don't have in front of you (or the food that is in front of them).

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THE FOOD!

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Old 11-12-2011, 07:06 PM   #3
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I wanna send you some hugs too. I've been struggling too and it really sucks. I'm also an all or nothing kind of a person. When people tell me to just have a little bit, it's really hard for them to get the fact that I can't. Not possible. I wish I had a normal relationship with food, but that's not the case by a long shot.

I think a nice boyfriend is hard to come by. Maybe you can have a talk with him? Ask for support and maybe you'll get it. Maybe not, but it's better than just blowing off the relationship. Give him a chance to help you. Arrange for you guys to go out and do something that has nothing to do with food. Play board games, go to the movies, take a walk or a hike (if weather permits), go out for coffee. If he wants to cook, how about using a recipe that you can handle?

With regards to going out to a sports bar....how about instead of not going at all, maybe just going once a month? That may not work, but maybe it's worth a try?

Either way, I really do feel for you and your struggle. I hope you can find the joy in life while still staying on track. It's a very delicate balance but there are people out there who find ways to do it.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:07 PM   #4
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Hugs to you .... I hate seeing you struggling so bad.

First, talk with your boyfriend about it unless you think there are other reasons you are pushing him away? And think.... if it is just the food thing, is it worth being alone forever just to stay away from going out?

And, I have a hard time getting it with the bar thing as I'm too cheap to spend that much money while going out. So, even when I didn't care about what I ate, I didn't buy overpriced things when going out. I would eat before going out and then buy just one drink while out and that's it. And maybe it's just the people I go out with, but most people I know are pretty careful when they go out - they get salads or just nibble on something small or have nothing at all. So, I like Rana's post up above - food does not equal fun. You can have fun without the food - honest.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:36 PM   #5
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Big hugs to you!

I understand because I am a competitive pool player. I am often out with friends, in a bar without good food choices for an entire weekend at a time. It is really tough but it CAN be done.

I have worked really hard to find moderation in this situation. I used to believe that I couldnt do it but I now know that was just more black and white thinking on my part. You CAN find balance in life. You CAN find ways to enjoy yourself - including all foods. You CAN do it.

Please, don't let fear and old habits continue to dictate how you feel about yourself and how you act in the world. When I first started, you were one of the folks whose posts gave me inspiration and hope. You can do it and you will.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:39 PM   #6
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The fact that you posted shows that you know that it's not right to stop going out and to dump your boyfriend because it will help you to stay on plan. You know that the goal is to try staying on plan and go out and have a nice boyfriend.

You can change your all or nothing thinking. I did, and I used to think similarly to how you do, so I know it can be done. I sometimes think of this line from a movie I like called The Edge (Alec Baldwin, Anthony Hopkins---good movie). In it, the characters played by Hopkins and Baldwin are stranded in a remote wilderness being stalked by a bear. At one point, Baldwin's character starts to panic, and Hopkins' character tells him a story about how some Indian cultures have young, teenage boys prove their manhood by killing a bear. Hopkins' character starts shouting, "What one man can do, another can do!" He makes Baldwin's character join him in shouting that mantra. So, I say to you: What one woman can do, another can do! You can have it all. You can have a social life without gaining your weight back.

Perhaps the plan you are on is too stringent. I calorie count (calorie cycle, actually), and I consistently went out to a non-chain, fine-dining restaurant once a week this summer, ate what I wanted in moderation, and still managed to lose a good chunk of weight this summer. I rarely if ever go out and just order a plain salad and water. Maybe you need to re-evaluate your plan.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:58 PM   #7
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When we used to go out, we didn't eat unless we specifically went out to a restaurant for dinner; and now, we try to plan what we are going to have before we go. Sometimes, I won't eat out unless I can find something that I think is both healthy & worth the price. Albeit, I'm surprised that you can't get a nice steak & salad, or a grilled chicken breast & salad at a sports bar?

Like the others suggested, maybe go somewhere else; or do something else. When we went out to socialize with friends, we usually ate dinner ahead. If I had a snack, my choice was nuts (you could take some with you in your purse, if needs be). You can also limit that kind of get-to-gethers to once a month as someone suggested. Would having a few friends over to your place once a month change that? You could control things better at home.

As for the wonderful boyfriend; seems a great shame to get rid of a great guy for the reasons you state. I'm sure he could make a nice healthy dinner for you (as mentioned above) -- heck, my DH can't cook at all; you are blessed honey!

Personally, I think food can both taste good & be healthy; there are lots of healthy foods that you could have instead of junk, ie baked bbq wings, grilled chicken breasts, steak any way you like it, and salmon or other fish, all with salad and/or veggies.

You do have many options once you think about it ...
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Old 11-12-2011, 09:19 PM   #8
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I can totally relate to this.

For a long time I was struggling with a similar issue. The solution for me was to eat fewer calories during the week.

As you know in the end it boils down to calories so if you know you're going to eat/drink off plan on the weekends you just need to modify your weekday plan to compensate.
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Old 11-12-2011, 11:04 PM   #9
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I appreciate all of your responses and I took a little bit from each one of them. And it's true, I do equate bad food with fun. Actually, I equate drinking with fun and then that drinking leads to poor choices.

I just have to remember that when I started this journey back in January, I truly had FUN with my new way of eating. When I found myself getting my life back I, in turn, lost my willpower. And that's what it boils down to.

So tomorrow I am going out to watch my beloved Giants play with my friends. I will stay on plan and drink a low calorie beer. I can, AND I WILL, do this.

As far as the boyfriend. He knows my story. He knows my issues with food. We haven't talked about it in a while so I'll take this opportunity to talk to him about it again. He's incredibly sweet and supportive but instead of asking him to help me make good food choices I take advantage of the fact he doesn't say anything when I don't. But that's on me.

Thank you all for the support! I haven't posted much on here because I felt like a hypocrite but I remember how great it felt to support others who were (are) in my situation. If that's not motivation enough to get over this hurdle, I don't know what is!
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Old 11-13-2011, 07:09 AM   #10
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All or nothing..... I have that same mentality. I rarely go out. When I do, what do I want to eat salad for? The nice thing about planned outings is the ability to plan! Eat a lighter lunch. Know you'll be making up for it the next day. I'm sure that with some planning, you could find the least damaging item on the menu, and have that. That's what I do. I order the small popcorn, not the large. I order the item on the menu with the least calories. Sometimes that's not the salad!

You can really have your cake and eat it too.... just not the whole cake.

As for the really great boyfriend....Like the others said, if he's really great, then talk to him. If that doesn't work, then you really must find the strength within yourself to stay on track. He'll come around eventually. Now if food becomes a constant struggle and the one thing you two always argue about, then consider that the relationship might not be healthy for you. No matter how great the guy is, you don't need food to be your focal point.
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Old 11-13-2011, 11:44 AM   #11
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How did your party go? I hope it went smoothly!

DH and I are both dieting and we also both need to go out often for work. Here are some of our strategies:

- Steer friends/coworkers to restaurants with healthy options. If you find a sports bar that has relatively healthy food that you enjoy, try and convince all your friends to go there!

- Plan ahead and eating a smaller breakfast/lunch beforehand.

- Try and get a workout that day or at least the day before/afterwards.

- Pick food types that are easier to stay on plan with (Japanese food is a favorite of ours and it's pretty easy to stay on plan)

- Nurse a drink you don't like. If we're at a party, I get beer. I HATE BEER. Then I'm not tempted to drink a ton. I do love wine and mixed drinks so I try to avoid them...

In the end you need to find something that works for you because staying in and avoiding friends isn't going to make you happy no matter how much you lose. Ditto with breaking-up with a perfectly good BF because you don't want to eat out. Why not go out less but go to nicer places that have smaller portions? Or pick restaurants that do have healthy succulent options (DH and I love Outback because we can get an amazing steak with veggies, yum!).
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Old 11-13-2011, 05:01 PM   #12
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OK, so.... I decided NOT to go out today. Cravings were out of control (more than usual) so I knew I would be too. But I did talk to my boyfriend. I asked him if he ever heard of the Freshman 15. He said yes. I then told him that I suffer from the Football 5. We have plans to go out to dinner on Tuesday night and he suggested going to Ruby Tuesday because they have a really nice salad bar. He's adorable.

But I feel good today. I just need a good food week under my ever-tightening belt and I'll feel back in control; which motives me to keep going.

Thanks again everyone!
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1/4/15: Restarting my journey exactly 4 years from when I first started in January 2011. Reached my goal weight in 2012 and regained half of it back.

I never should have left 3FC!

Last edited by ShanIAm : 11-13-2011 at 05:02 PM.
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