Twinleten, I totally agree. It's so much easier without the pressure. I will keep the me in sight.
Unna...yes to question nr 1, which sort of encompasses question 2. He was a lover who rejected me after a while, said he doesn't find me attractive anymore. At that point I was so in denial about the weight gain that I thought it was everything else (how does someone suddenly go from finding you amazing for months, then not see you for a while, and next time he sees you tell you that?). He never mentioned the gain per se...It's a super tricky situation because we live in different cities, and he apologized/revoked what he said (said it would be easier to hurt me that way than to deal with the issue that the relationship was going nowhere, but I still don't believe it. Someone says that to you once, it doesn't help if 50 guys come after who tell you you're hot...you'll believe the one who said you're not).
2. We have a really strong bond and a lot of mutual friends as we were friends to begin with. I expect to see him frequently. I just want him to have that jaw drop moment when he sees me first. I think I'm getting there, but in a month, if I play my cards right, it will be even better. But a month can also be enough to ruin all progress I've made.
I'm really, really worried about him flirting with other women, or us getting into more fights. But most of all, I am worried about feeling unattractive to myself- feeling like I failed to be the best I can be at that moment. If I can take the weight out of the equation, as a factor that influences things in my life, I can focus on what is before me, and we can both see if there's any future at all.
It's so depressing recounting the whole thing with him. I try not to think about what he said, because I know why he said it (he's one of those jerk people who will hit you where it hurts the most when the going gets tough), but I feel there's always a degree of truth in everything people say.
Sighhhh. At least, I bought a pair of size 8 jeans from the GAP and could have bought the 6's if I had been brave enough. That should be enough to cheer me up for a couple of days