How sad. You did something wonderful - you gave birth to a child. His child. And you have gone through **** before and after because of it. Your fiance should be kissing your feet!
All I'll say is I'll agree with the advice that you need support. Maybe try sitting down with him and explain how his comments are hurting you and they actually have the effect of making you feel bad about yourself, and how can you lose weight when you feel like crap? If he's not prepared to support you, like going jogging with you instead of the gym, and offer unconditional love, then I would say it's a symptom of something else going on in his mind. Don't commit until you're sure it's what you both wants. Hope that's not too blunt, just think you deserve to be treated better. x
before you make a commitment to love someone for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, ask yourself whether his actions indicate that he is willing to make that same commitment to you.
I count calories and occasionally (once every 2 or 3 weeks), I save calories to have a treat. Last time I wanted to buy ice cream, he said, in front of the other couple we were with, "why are you getting that? Aren't you supposed to be watching your calories or something?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by berryblondeboys
Oh, and the ice cream thing - sounds like lack of communication to me - he might have been trying to be supportive by maybe trying to help you avoid temption. You just didn't inform him that you had saved up for the treat. That situation probably could have been averted with better talking between the two of you.
It doesn't sound like a lack of communication to me. It sounds like he was putting her down and/or embarrasing her, purposely, in front of other people. I'd be hurt if my husband embarrassed me in front of others, and shocked and angry if he had done so purposely. Frankly, I'd ticked if he asked me why I was ordering such-and-such, with that kind of attitude, even if we were alone. I'm not a child, I'm an adult who can and has the right to make food choices without anyone else's input, and I don't need to inform anyone of how I'm choosing to spend my calories at a given meal. The same goes for the OP, unless she specifically asked her fiance to remind her not to eat sweets or something similar, and she thought he made that comment (in front of other people, remember) out of a genuine desire to help her. It doesn't sound like that from the way she posted about it, though, as she introduced that story with "I think the thing that bothers me most is he's not really supportive to my weight loss efforts."
cammieb, I think you are beautiful, and I'm sorry that this situation is making you feel so awful. My husband wasn't thrilled with my body when I gained weight either (I was ~200 lbs when we met, ~230 lbs when we married, and gained steadily until I reached my high weight of 280 lbs after we'd been married about 7 years), but that was just something I knew intuitively. He was never mean or cruel about the way I looked, and I don't know how I could have handled it if he was. I felt so awful about myself for so many years because of my weight, and if the person I loved and depended on for support had been hurtful regarding it... it really would have devasted me.
I sincerely hope that however you decide to handle this situation with your fiance, you come out the other side feeling better about yourself and feeling celebrated by those you choose to keep around you. You are working so hard to lose weight with a serious health challenge to work around, and you deserve to be cheered for your committment and the success you are achieving. My best wishes to you.
You say that he works out on base but won't let you get a gym membership- why doesn't he take you to the gym on base for free? I dated a military guy for a couple of years, we often went to the on-base fitness facility to swim and work out.
I would be very wary about marrying this man right now. These are my concerns:
1. You gained weight due to a difficult pregnancy and then being diagnosed with a medical problem. He KNOWS this. Would anyone think it would be OK for him to tell you you're unattractive if you had been diagnosed with cancer and lost your hair? Or if you had been in an accident and had scars? Sure, maybe those things DO make people less attractive. But is OK for other people to tell them something they don't already know?? What's the point?
2. I don't buy the "honesty" argument. Sure, it's one thing for him to be honest in answering a direct question from you, but for him to go OUT OF HIS WAY to tell you you're a "5" is just plain mean. How is that supposed to help you? There's no reason for him to volunteer something like that unless he's trying to be hurtful. This is not to say we don't all say hurtful things to the ones we love once in a while...but we usually regret it. Does he?
If this has happened more than a few times (and it sounds like it has), you need to think about the wisdom in marrying someone who is purposely hurtful toward you.
3. He may have control issues. He cuts you down and makes you feel like s**t, but on the other hand he not only won't HELP you lose weight, he actually puts roadblocks in your way (the gym membership.) The first step for a control freak is to make the other person dependent on them. What better way than for him to use your weight (something he knows you're already sensitive about) to make you feel so worthless that no one else would ever want you...and how LUCKY you are that he is staying with you, even though he's "not attracted" to you. He's just doing you such a big favor, isn't he? Shouldn't you be just so grateful?
If he was really, truly concerned about your weight, he would do everything he could to help and encourage you. But he's not. Why?
4. You are the MOTHER OF HIS CHILD. He should concern himself more with your HEALTH than with your APPEARANCE.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I am just going off what you told us and even though I don't know you, I don't want you to make a mistake you'll regret the rest of your life. I'm not saying it's hopeless (I don't have enough information to determine if it is or isn't), but please, please proceed with caution. This is the rest of your life you're talking about!
Last edited by NorthernExposure; 11-04-2011 at 06:57 PM.
You say that he works out on base but won't let you get a gym membership- why doesn't he take you to the gym on base for free? I dated a military guy for a couple of years, we often went to the on-base fitness facility to swim and work out.
He told me that I can't go with him because, since we aren't yet married, I don't have a military dependent I.D. card, which you need to use the gym.
Second, I cannot sit here and say he's being mean. I don't know the context of your conversations. Did you set him up for failure by asking him to rate you, or did he come out and say it? If you asked, well, you asked for it. Just because he tells you the truth doesn't mean he doesn't care, and just because of the way it sounds, doesn't meant it's the way the conversation went down.
Not saying he didn't do these things, but I can't say get rid of him because I don't know the other side, and that would be unfair to you both.
Consider how it happened, how he means the criticism, constructive or otherwise, and weigh your options. Do you love him? Does he love you? truly? If so, then you have something to hang on to. If not, and you really feel he's being malicious, then consider that, too. Only you can make that decision.
I will tell you that my hubby told me he wasn't attracted to me when I gained, and he's every right to feel that way. Now, we have the best marriage ever, just because I'm taking care of myself, even if not at my goal weight. It's a matter of self-respect, and how your SO sees you.
And, I didn't read all the other posts, so this may have already been addressed. But, I know you had a difficult pregnancy and that should be considered, but I also don't know how these conversations came up. So, take it for what it's worth.
Ok, you all need to step back and think before you speak. We do not know this situation and yet people are saying to LEAVE?
This is my perspective. First, is he telling you this out of the blue, or are you asking him and he's being honest? Second, does he usually just blurt out things he's feeling and not think things through? That might be part of it. That's just the way he is.
And I'll try to step in his shoes - he fell in love with a young, healthy, thin woman. In the time you have been together you have had a baby (stressful), had health problems and quickly ballooned in weight. "YOU" the OP are not comfortable with the weight gain, so why should he be? And just because he's not as attracted to you (are you attracted to overweight men?) as he was before, does not mean he feels you are ugly or undesirable. HE IS WITH YOU and he doesn't have to be if he doesn't want to.
Also, this hiding from him and being afraid to undress in front of him. That's your own insecurities and has nothing to do with him. A man likes a confident woman - a woman who loves herself. Sure, he might not be as easily fired up with your extra weight, but with you sulking and acting insecure that adds to your "lack of hotness".
You have to remember - while you've been going through all this - so has he - but he's there and he loves you. Ask him for help in becoming the woman you want to be and what he wants too.
And as far as the "he'll leave you" stuff. If men are going to cheat, they will cheat if it's 'in them'. It has nothing to do with someone being fat or old or whatever. We can always find anecdotal stuff that says "he found someone thinner" but I've known men to leave thin wives to be with heavier women too.
Hugs to you OP.
I totally agree. I know it hurts. I've been on that end. Let him know how it feels and ask him how he would if his child said that to someone they loved. Don't end it for that. Work on it. Much love to you.
He told me that I can't go with him because, since we aren't yet married, I don't have a military dependent I.D. card, which you need to use the gym.
You might ask him to double check- The bases here in Alaska allow people with military ID- including retired and Guard and Reserve, not just active duty- to escort non-military people on base. You can't go on alone any more since 9/11, but so long as they are with you, you can. I think all bases are the same.
Otherwise, a LOT of gyms are getting super cheap. We have two fitness chains up here that are only $20 a month. Perhaps you have something like that near where you live? I dropped my $100 club membership for a less expensive $20 club membership and like my new club just as much as the old one.
Well I don't agree with berryblondaboys or whoever cus why blame her for his stupidity. If he don't like how she is you are right he can leave but he want to keep putting her down s eo he can look big. I'm not saying leave him but put your foot down. Tell him that what he don't is hurting you and asks him would he like a man to treat his mom or sister like dat so why would he treat you like that. Think about your son. Kids pick up on everything. If your son see you hurting then it will be stressful for him and trust me you don't want that. You want your son to grow up around a good environment and what is going on now isn't good for you or him. Give him a set time. Tell him if he don't change his attitude toward u then you explore that leaving option. Don't stay in a bad relationship because of kids because they will see it.
Why are some people on this board *cough* berryblondaboys *cough* **** bent on insisting that it's the LW's fault that this douchebag is emotionally abusing her? They're right, whenever someone continually puts their SO down and makes disparaging comments about her WITHOUT provocation, she is the cause, she is making him do that. Because no one, not a good man, would ever say something hurtful to their SO without them being specifically asked a question. And, then, their response is just the truth. Don't ask if you don't want to know. Well, the problem is that this is not a good man. Not according to anything the LW has said. Previous commenters continually say that they do not know the situation, but that somehow they just know this is all the LW's fault, for getting fat and making herself unattractive to the douche and then complaining when he puts her down. So, she should just suck it up, get thin, and cater to the douchebag's every whim. BS. No one deserves to stay in an abusive relationship. Not for a kid. Not out of fear. For no reason whatsoever. And, yes, from everything posted by the LW, this is an ABUSIVE relationship. I do not care what you think may have brought upon the abuse. All I know, is that this abuse is NOT the LW's fault and you should be ashamed of yourselves for suggesting as much. Do not walk, RUN away from this man. Losing the weight may, MAY, make him attracted to you again, but it will not stop the abuse. He'll just find another perceived flaw to harp on. You deserve better than this. Your child deserves better than this. So, know better, and then do better.
Get to goal & stay there!
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Cammie, what a tough situation to be in. My sister is in a similar one. She has been with her husband for 14 years (married for 5 of those years) and not once has her husband ever complimented her looks, cooking, housekeeping or child raising. He's great with the put downs though. I can see how much it hurts her and that hurts me, too. My sister says she's happy, but all I hear is her complaining about how her husband never compliments her on anything and puts down any attempt at her trying to lose weight...like she's a lost cause.
I'd hate to see that happen to you. But I understand that you have a child with this man and want to work it out. I really hope he can change, but it is hard for a person to change if they don't really want to, no matter how much you want them to.
I wish you the best. And, by the way, you are damn gorgeous!!!
Last edited by sandcar150; 11-05-2011 at 02:49 AM.
If he is like this now , what if something else worst happens?
i gained over 100 pounds and my man says i am still pretty .And there is alot of adult playtime.
If you want to keep him, i would mention... it would probly help you to be more supportive and tell him what you need .Although honestly if you ask for help and stuff. You can't do what i did, And eat a whole cheesecake in front of your man after that.
Also , i would remind him .That if it was roles reverse and he had issues ,would he want that help or supportive help.True it might not be weight but something else for his issues.
Either way good luck to us both. Because i am here to lose over 100 pounds so i need some luck too
