"You're healthy, but..."

djs06 · 09-28-2011, 10:02 AM

Yep, I can relate. My mom had weight loss surgery years ago and along with her weight, she has also lost the ability to talk compassionately about weight and weight loss. More than once she's suggested that I also have WLS. She's also made well-intentioned but ill-timed offers to help me lose weight.

She expressed concerns when she was also overweight, but it was in a different way. She's forgotten what it's like to be fat and overwhelmed with the sheer amount of weight I have to lose. Not that she's vicious or anything, and I know she does it from a place of love- but it's still hurtful because I know a good amount of it is less concern for health and more concern for "what people think."

Beach Patrol · 09-28-2011, 11:23 AM

When my mom says things about my weight that bother me (especially those comments that are "disguised" as a compliment "I'm glad you lost weight! How long before you think you'll give up the diet?"

) I have taken to responding with a mocking what-I-wish-she'd-say comment... such as "Gee, Beach Patrol! you're doing FANTASTIC with your weight loss efforts! I'm SO PROUD of you!" and then I answer as myself "Thank you mom! I appreciate your support!!!"

That usually shuts her right up.

berryblondeboys · 09-28-2011, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beach Patrol

When my mom says things about my weight that bother me (especially those comments that are "disguised" as a compliment "I'm glad you lost weight! How long before you think you'll give up the diet?"

) I have taken to responding with a mocking what-I-wish-she'd-say comment... such as "Gee, Beach Patrol! you're doing FANTASTIC with your weight loss efforts! I'm SO PROUD of you!" and then I answer as myself "Thank you mom! I appreciate your support!!!"

That usually shuts her right up.

I did this to my Mother in law recently. I had a new dress I was wearing this summer and it was colorful and I loved it. She saw me in it and said, "Oh, that is bright!". I said for her, "Melissa you look nice." "Gee thanks Sonja, thank you."

My husband thought I was overreacting, but that is because he is a man and didn't read her nonverbal cues and her bugged eyes when she said it. Plus, she is the queen of subtle colors, so I know it wasn't a compliment!

Beach Patrol · 09-28-2011, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by berryblondeboys

I did this to my Mother in law recently. I had a new dress I was wearing this summer and it was colorful and I loved it. She saw me in it and said, "Oh, that is bright!". I said for her, "Melissa you look nice." "Gee thanks Sonja, thank you."

My husband thought I was overreacting, but that is because he is a man and didn't read her nonverbal cues and her bugged eyes when she said it. Plus, she is the queen of subtle colors, so I know it wasn't a compliment!

You weren't "overreacting"... you were giving a lesson in How To Give A Sincere Compliment (Or At Least Just STFU)

dragonwoman64 · 09-28-2011, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MedChick87

Once I actually am a healthy weight, shouldn't it be MY decision about where to stop? It just frustrates me to no end that health is never going to be good enough.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. I guess it's just difficult when the person you're closest to in life will probably never see you as good enough.

re your first Q, YES, it's totally your decision. Don't let your mom's issues stop you from feeling good about how you feel and LOOK. I know that's easier said than done, but it's something to aspire to for your own sake.

You may not be able to shake the blinders your mom has on, but you can work to minimize the bad vibes they bring into your life.

dancinginpaint · 09-28-2011, 01:03 PM

You've had a lot of wonderful responses and I agree. There comes a point where you have to make your own goals and be happy with what you've chosen. Even if it not what Mom or MIL wants. One of the few joys we get with being an adult I fear. You are worth the effort and hard work even if its not enough for mom. Its still worth it to do it for yourself.
They are right, she may not be someone who you can talk to about this. Not if she can't understand the importance of health. She does need to be told that her cynical commentary is unwelcome, that way she can't say "you never told me you felt that way/ or that bothered you" etc.

tkdtara84 · 09-28-2011, 01:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by berryblondeboys

I did this to my Mother in law recently. I had a new dress I was wearing this summer and it was colorful and I loved it. She saw me in it and said, "Oh, that is bright!". I said for her, "Melissa you look nice." "Gee thanks Sonja, thank you."

My husband thought I was overreacting, but that is because he is a man and didn't read her nonverbal cues and her bugged eyes when she said it. Plus, she is the queen of subtle colors, so I know it wasn't a compliment!

These two made me LOL. It really is a good idea- an easy way to let them know they're being rude without actually saying it.

Luckily, my mom doesn't make a lot of comments. Actually, she doesn't comment much at all. She lost 80 lbs. on the diet I'm on and gained it all back, unfortunately. I got pregnant, gained half back, and I'm just a few pounds away from where I was before. I think she's happy for me, but I think it also reminds her that she gained all hers back, so she just avoids the subject entirely. It would be nice to get some positive feedback from her, but I know it's her issue, not mine, and honestly I feel a lot of compassion for her. She has WAY more weight to lose than I ever did (she was probably in the upper 300s), so I have no idea of the mental stress/emotions involved when comtemplating that much weight to lose.

But yes-- if anyone ever gave me the backhanded compliments, I would definitely make them understand I know what they're up to-- stand up for yourself in a polite way or things will never change.