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Old 09-09-2011, 11:50 PM   #1
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Default I lost my biggest support (long)

Over the past 10 yrs or so I have been a serial dieter. Gain a bunch or weight go on a diet lose weight start cycle over.
My highest weight ever was 302 lbs in 2004. I joined La Weight Loss and dropped maybe 50 lb in 4 months ( cycle begins again) but I never was that heavy again. Add on 3 pregnancies in 3 years and Jan 2011 I'm 267 pounds. My knees hurt everyday, I was huffing and puffing trying to do the laundry and just had no desire to play with my babies. I decided that I had enough and I had to do something. At 37 with 2 children under 4 a family history of diabetes and high blood pressure. I want to live long enough to see grandchildren.
It's been a slow process this time. Calorie counting and exercise. In the beginning I was so out of shape all I could do was The Gazelle 30 mins 3 days a week and Leslie Sansone. Gradually I've been able to work for longer and do more challenging workouts. Adding cardio 5-6 days a week and strength training. I Feel GREAT! and look better as well. So far I've only lost 31 pounds since January but I'm happy with that.
The thing is my husband (who has been my best friend for almost 9yrs) has always been so supportive of me. Initially he was the only person who even knew I was trying to lose weight. Sometimes out of the blue he'll just stop and tell me how amazing I look.
Things started getting a little strange about 2 weeks ago but I didn't notice. I've wanted an exercise bike and found one on craigslist. Emailed the person selling it and gave him my husbands number to arrange pick up. This never happened. The seller kept emailing me telling me he left a VM on the # I gave him. But I figured my husband was busy and would call him back. Then a few days later Hurricane Irene blew through and totally messed up a lot of towns including the one where the guy selling the bike lived. So I ordered a cheap stationary bike from Amazon never considering that maybe my husband didn't pick the bike up on purpose.
So Tues my son starts Pre-K first time ever going to school. We drop him off take pictures the whole nine. We drove different cars because he was going straight to work afterwards. I was a little weepy and it was raining cats and dogs. On the way home (with my 2 yr old in the car) my husband calls my cell phone. I think it's important because he knows I don't have a handsfree device and It's raining and I have the baby in the car. I answer and he says "If you ever decide to divorce me you'll have no problem finding another guy because you look great." Needless to say I said some not so nice things to him.
So all week he's been kind of nasty and making snide comments.
Last night after my stationary bike was delivered he made the comment that if I had saved all of the money that I've spent on fitness equipment and DVD's I probably could've paid for my graduated courses (he KNOWS I stopped taking the courses because they required me to go out of state for 2 weeks for residency within the 1st yr and I can't do that)
Today he texts me from work and tells me that it seems that I'm putting a lot of importance on my appearance and that I'm turning into one of those people who values looks over everything else.
This is untrue and honestly other ppl tell me I look different but I don't really see it.
On a level I understand that he's feeling insecure. But I just feel hurt because I want him to be happy for me. If for no other reason than maybe I'll live a few years longer. I'll be 38 next month, my dad died at 40 from complications from diabetes and high blood pressure (i don't have either of those problems, but I could!)
I've really just been questioning everything about "us" today. Does he want me to be fat? Does he want me to stop working out?
Now I feel like I don't have him to talk to about this part of my life anymore When he was my 1 source of support.
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Old 09-10-2011, 12:51 AM   #2
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It sounds like to me that your weightloss is threatening him. I had this problem too. My husband had a really hard time getting used to other men looking at me. Reassure him that you love him in every way you know. Explain to him how important your weightloss is to YOU. Ask him to support you in every way possible.

I must say this also though. If my husband hadnt decided to be supportive it would have meant the end of us. Period.
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Old 09-10-2011, 02:04 AM   #3
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Ugh. Your husband is being a jack@ss. Time to sit him down and tell him that you love him, that you will love him tomorrow and that you're losing weight because you want to feel better about yourself and not because you're looking to trade him in for a better model.

I would hope that if you give him the necessary reassurance and ask for his support, he would quit with the bull$h!t. And probably he will. If he doesn't, tell him you'll make him take custody of all 3 kids in the case of a divorce. <muaahhhh>
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:57 AM   #4
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Your husband is going through a tough time right now. Whether he feels threatened by your weight loss or doesn't understand it, I don't know. The only way to know why he is feeling uneasy and distant is to talk about him.

I don't think it's useful to feel like you've lost him as a support. There is a disconnect between your perception of how things are going ("I am losing weight and reaching my goal of being healthier and happier!") versus the way he sees the way things are going ("She is completely changing physically and I don't know what that means for me, her, and us.").

If you want to bridge this disconnect and regain understanding (and support) for each other you HAVE to talk about it. You HAVE to be open with him about the way you see this process and why it is important. Likewise, you MUST listen to him and why he is feeling this way. Inevitably, changes you make will affect him. They are his feelings and working through them together is important for YOU to support him. It's a two-way street. And the more he feels like you care and listen to him the more he will care and listen (and support) you.

I'm not condoning his statements to you, but I'm not condemning them either. You love him and you know he is a good person. These statements are reflections of very real feelings he is feeling. It's not helpful to a marriage or any relationship to dismiss the way he is currently expressing his feelings without talking about them. This doesn't mean he's "in the right" and you have anything to apologize to him about. But I do STRONGLY feel it means a lot of discussion and listening to each other is important.

It really made me sad to read that the previous poster called your husband a jackass. He seems like a very supportive, loving partner. It is regrettable he has negative feelings about your weight loss, but it's something that's happening and it needs to be worked through compassionately by both of you together.

I think it's really premature to feel like you've lost your support. (Just like I think it's absurd to talk about divorce like a previous poster did, however jokingly it was meant.) A disconnect happened two weeks ago- that's NOTHING in the grand scheme of your best friendship and marriage of 9 years. Listen and talk with your husband through his feelings as he has done for you in times past, and I think you'll get the love and support in return. You guys both deserve it!!

Last edited by indiblue : 09-10-2011 at 04:59 AM.
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Old 09-10-2011, 07:25 AM   #5
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You're going to have to talk to him and reassure him that this isn't for your appearance. You say in your story that you had no energy to play with the kids! You also want to be around long enough to see grandkids! Make sure to mention these to your husband. Ask him, doesn't he want long, happy years with you? Make sure to really really stress your health over your appearance.

I've seen so many guys get threatened by their girlfriend/fiancee/wife's weight loss even when they don't mean to. Guys seem to get possessive of us and when we take steps to be conventionally attractive without their prompting, I think some just flip out. They get afraid that another man will sweet us off our feet and they'll be alone.

I'm lucky that my fiancee is mostly supportive, but even he sometimes says "Just don't get too thin, ok?" with a worried face. When I ask what "too thin" is, he says size 2 or 4...like he even knows how the sizes go! He just knows they're low numbers so that means "skinny," yet he doesn't understand why a 3 or a 5 is a completely different line of clothes. I understand he doesn't want me running off with some other guy, but we're engaged! I really don't think I would at this point. I also understand the fear that other men might flirt with/look at me (they did BEFORE I lost weight, so I don't know why he's worried), but that doesn't mean I'll run off with them!

Honestly any guy that flirts with an engaged or married woman probably isn't worth going after anyway

I don't think this automatically makes your husband a bad person (YOU know how he is 24/7, we don't), he's just got to learn that his thought process regarding your weight loss is quite silly and you need his support.
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Old 09-10-2011, 08:30 AM   #6
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WOW thanks to all of you! Everyone is always so helpful. I guess I have been a bit selfish thinking it's all about me.
A couple of times he has said how he's going to join a gym but it was always halfheartedly. I guess he was feeling he better become muscle bound before I trade him in.
I'll talk to him today. (He's insisting on going to Friendly's for breakfast lol) .
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Old 09-10-2011, 08:46 AM   #7
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I don't think it's selfish! I think it's natural to be hurt when someone doesn't share in you successes. It sounds like at this point you guys are just looking at your weight loss from your respective positions, which in this case are two different positions. Talking through things will help you see the others' point of view and help you understand (and support) each other better.

Good luck!! Let us know how it goes
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Old 09-10-2011, 11:08 AM   #8
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I can understand where you're coming from. My boyfriend tries half-heartedly every so often to diet or work out because I think he feels like once I get more fit and trim, I'll be looking elsewhere. I told him this - I didn't just 'settle' for him because of my appearance, it was genuine interest and attraction that has grown into genuine love these past 3 1/2 years. I also told him that I would never DREAM of ditching him because some other guys started noticing me because I was skinnier. In the first place I'm not interested in shallow guys who base their entire decision on whether to date you on if you're heavy or not!

I think you need to sit down with him to reassure him and let him know that you want to be there for him as long as possible which is a motivation to lose weight. He may not come around right away, but if you two work on it I think things will become better
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Old 09-10-2011, 11:22 AM   #9
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A lot of women lose weight/start getting fit before they leave their marriage. Maybe it's because they fall out of love and start looking good for a new partner, for others, they choose to lose weight and get new attention, and for many more, they just find their partner was not supportive and that's why the marriage ends. I think a lot of men have this fear. "If she loses weight, she will leave me" ~ harsh, but many men believe this. Maybe worth talking to him about that. Sorry you are going through this. As a mom, I can totally understand why you are doing this though - it's scary to think of early mortality when your babies are still so young.
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Old 09-10-2011, 12:01 PM   #10
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None of us can know his motivations, so the best thing to do is just ask him, but he's obviously feeling threatened. Hopefully that's something he can get over.

My husband is very supportive, but even he has made a few scattered comments about me "running off with someone else." He's fairly fit himself, an of course, I love him for more than his looks, but I don't wonder at him feeling a little worried at times. If the situation were reversed, I would be at least slightly worried myself.

Changes like this can affect the dynamics of a relationship, and change is always a bit difficult to adapt to. He will most likely come around, but you need to talk about it (and not just once-- probably repeatedly) and start giving HIM plenty of positive feedback. Just like you need his support in your WL efforts, he needs reassurance that you love him and find him attractive and are happy with him.
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Old 09-10-2011, 01:32 PM   #11
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I agree that you should talk to him.

And start thinking of comebacks when he does make comments like the one about finding a new guy.... stuff that will reassure him, like "Divorce? Why would I divorce you, my darling?" He needs reassurance that the reason you're losing weight isn't to get rid of him and find someone new.

So, when you have the conversation with him, tell him that you're doing this for all the good reasons that you listed and not because you're trying to look better so you can find someone new.

It happens. It didn't happen to this extent with my SO, but he was weirded out a bit, but once he understood I was doing this for my health and my happiness (and his enjoyment!) then he was able to really support me.
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Old 09-10-2011, 01:34 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mzKiki View Post
WOW thanks to all of you! Everyone is always so helpful. I guess I have been a bit selfish thinking it's all about me.
A couple of times he has said how he's going to join a gym but it was always halfheartedly. I guess he was feeling he better become muscle bound before I trade him in.
I'll talk to him today. (He's insisting on going to Friendly's for breakfast lol) .
I really don't think you're being selfish, it can just be hard to see why he's acting this way. As others and I have said, he probably feels threatened so reassuring him that you AREN'T going to leave him and that you want to be around to see your grandkids are ways of showing him that his fears are unwarranted.
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