Feeling sad now that I'm not coping with food (long)
Please bear with me. This is long.
I just don't know where else to put this but I feel like I need to express how sad I am. Since I've started losing weight this time around, I've forced myself to really address the emotional reasons I eat and really explore my feelings that I used to shove down with food. So much has come up now that I feel like I am reverting emotionally, even though I am getting the weight off. I feel so taken advantage of by most of my friends and family. They lean on me for emotional support yet it's not really returned all that much. I am told a lot how "strong" I am yet I don't think that gives people license to do such things, like take advantage of me emotionally.
Really I am looking around and trying to tighten up boundaries with people and this is very hard to do. I am left feeling sad, isolated (even though I stay on top of making social plans) and overall disappointed both in those around me and in myself for not protecting myself more. I am also having to defend myself a lot because people have been accustomed to me being the "yes" gal, to everything.
I work in mental health, and hold a graduate degree in clinical psychology, so I feel as though that gives people license to take my compassionate empathetic ear for granted, yet I am finding that I am not getting my needs met. This has been the same with men as well. I do not have a DBF or a DH and I think this is why. It's not about my weight, or looks, or millions of other reasons I've listed in my own head. It's that I don't value myself and my needs. Ever. I give loads of support and am the leaning post and isn't returned.
My mom used to be supportive and a leaning post in certain ways me but she died several years ago, and was sick throughout most of my 20s. My father has always been depressed since I can remember and is not emotionally available. He also tries to lean on me for support but I have learned to set a clear boundary with him.
So here I sit allowing people to take so much from me that I have nothing left. And how low must my self-esteem be that I have even allowed this to go on for as long as it has? The worst part is that these people have no clue what I've lived through and survived (as I don't speak about these things to many people) yet they speak to me as if their lives are rotten. Yet most of them have so many blessings to be grateful for. Yes, I have a therapist, who I love. I just can't afford to go once a week.
Anyway I realize I have to clean house. And I realize that I need to get rid of toxic people and make new friends. And I also realize I need to practice setting boundaries. It's just that this time around with the weight loss, I am actually facing these issues rather than hiding behind my diet and exercise routine only to have all the weight come back on when I start feeling again.
And I really needed to write this out because I am just feeling so sad and so rotten. Thank you for reading.
I admire you for looking deeper into yourself, objectively [as you can], to find the cause of your weight gain, and treating it as a symptom of something more important. That takes a lot of courage, but shows so much progress! And because you've done this, you now KNOW the changes that you need to make in your life for this to work - that is really amazing.
I think it's good that you're seeing a therapist, but I understand it's expensive. A couple new things you can try to make yourself feel better is to start a blog - getting your feelings out there and off your chest can really help (like you just did)... and you might get some needed advice, as well. If you want to keep it private, you could write in a journal, or even something as easy as writing in a word doc on the computer. It looks like from your post that these feelings might be causing you some stress, so look for some stress busters to add to your routine - meditation, yoga, reading, drawing, painting, etc. I know you're feeling down now, but what you're doing is POSITIVE PROGRESS overall, so I believe that you'll feel better about yourself soon.
I've been there (well, sort of). My mom was my leaning post too and she's been gone almost four years now. I feel your pain. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and we've never been close, quite honestly, if it weren't for my two sons, I probably wouldn't speak to him.
I, too, cleaned house a few years ago especially with so-called friends. I let go of a few friendships with women I'd known since well, forever because I was giving 100% and got very little in return. Was it hard? Absolutely. But I'm happier than I've ever been because they were so draining to me.
When I get really down and depressed about things, instead of calling my mom like I used to but can't anymore - obviously, I call my aunt whom I've very close to. I can always talk to my DH and my older son is a good sounding board as well now that he's a little older.
My suggestion to you is to maybe volunteer somewhere so the focus is on helping others. You'll walk away feeling reinvorgated and appreciative of what you do have. Also, maybe join a sport or fitness group who will put you in touch with like-minded individuals and who knows? Maybe you'll even meet someone special.
Life is too short (and you know this from your mom's death) to spend it around people who drag us down. We need people to lift us up and celebrate us no matter what.
I hope this helps. I know it sounds kind of Pollyanna-ish but hopefully you got the point I was trying to make.
First things first you should be extremely proud of yourself for dealing with these feelings and this is the best place to share how you're feeling because we can understand.
It's very easy to put other people first. But you need to think about you now.
Being a "strong" person is a blessing but also curse. You become a "go to person" for friends and family when they're stressed upset. But theyre not there for you when you need them. I now this feeling all to well. And I've told myself im going to stop but its really more complicated than that. But I'm slowly learning to share my feelings and tell people im not mat for them to work on.
A few things I have used over the years to help me deal with my feelings is too write down all the things making me sad/upset then rip them up and bin them! Also I have often driven to the beach or the countryside and stood there and screamed/cried! Letting out the emotion often really helps.
I admire you for looking deeper into yourself, objectively [as you can], to find the cause of your weight gain, and treating it as a symptom of something more important. That takes a lot of courage, but shows so much progress! And because you've done this, you now KNOW the changes that you need to make in your life for this to work - that is really amazing.
I think it's good that you're seeing a therapist, but I understand it's expensive. A couple new things you can try to make yourself feel better is to start a blog - getting your feelings out there and off your chest can really help (like you just did)... and you might get some needed advice, as well. If you want to keep it private, you could write in a journal, or even something as easy as writing in a word doc on the computer. It looks like from your post that these feelings might be causing you some stress, so look for some stress busters to add to your routine - meditation, yoga, reading, drawing, painting, etc. I know you're feeling down now, but what you're doing is POSITIVE PROGRESS overall, so I believe that you'll feel better about yourself soon.
Thank you so much. I really love to write and started a blog that I dropped by the wayside. I really need to pick it up again. It was so cathartic. I do have the time so I want to make it more of a priority.
I've been there (well, sort of). My mom was my leaning post too and she's been gone almost four years now. I feel your pain. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and we've never been close, quite honestly, if it weren't for my two sons, I probably wouldn't speak to him.
I, too, cleaned house a few years ago especially with so-called friends. I let go of a few friendships with women I'd known since well, forever because I was giving 100% and got very little in return. Was it hard? Absolutely. But I'm happier than I've ever been because they were so draining to me.
When I get really down and depressed about things, instead of calling my mom like I used to but can't anymore - obviously, I call my aunt whom I've very close to. I can always talk to my DH and my older son is a good sounding board as well now that he's a little older.
My suggestion to you is to maybe volunteer somewhere so the focus is on helping others. You'll walk away feeling reinvorgated and appreciative of what you do have. Also, maybe join a sport or fitness group who will put you in touch with like-minded individuals and who knows? Maybe you'll even meet someone special.
Life is too short (and you know this from your mom's death) to spend it around people who drag us down. We need people to lift us up and celebrate us no matter what.
I hope this helps. I know it sounds kind of Pollyanna-ish but hopefully you got the point I was trying to make.
I completely relate to this. I feel like I need to "clean house" and get rid of some of these folks. It's funny you mention volunteering. I am starting a volunteer training in September. Even though I've worked in Mental Health for 5+ years, I have taken a break this past year for a number of reasons from my job as a therapist (yes, physician needs to heal thyself!) and have decided to go the volunteer route for awhile while working in the less emotionally taxing corporate world. Thank you for your story about your mom. I've read other posts of yours where you discuss her and always want to give you a great big .
First things first you should be extremely proud of yourself for dealing with these feelings and this is the best place to share how you're feeling because we can understand.
It's very easy to put other people first. But you need to think about you now.
Being a "strong" person is a blessing but also curse. You become a "go to person" for friends and family when they're stressed upset. But theyre not there for you when you need them. I now this feeling all to well. And I've told myself im going to stop but its really more complicated than that. But I'm slowly learning to share my feelings and tell people im not mat for them to work on.
A few things I have used over the years to help me deal with my feelings is too write down all the things making me sad/upset then rip them up and bin them! Also I have often driven to the beach or the countryside and stood there and screamed/cried! Letting out the emotion often really helps.
If you ever need to talk, just post!
Stay strong...but for yourself Xxx
Thank you! I do live by the water and it was always one of my most favorite places to go to get away and get some peace and calm. I haven't done it in so long. I really appreciate the reminder because it's such a soothing place for me.
If you're a clinical psychologist, then presumably you know the value of counseling. Please consider increasing the frequency of your therapy appointments. You are worth that! You need to talk about these issues with a professional--we can offer supporting words and sympathy, but we really don't know you or your family.
If you're a clinical psychologist, then presumably you know the value of counseling. Please consider increasing the frequency of your therapy appointments. You are worth that! You need to talk about these issues with a professional--we can offer supporting words and sympathy, but we really don't know you or your family.
Feel better!
Jay
Thank you. Agreed. I haven't been in a month and I am sure that's part of why I've been feeling poorly. I didn't realize how helpful it is until I missed this long!
Feeling sad now that I'm not coping with food (long)
