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Old 08-15-2011, 04:58 PM   #1
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Default A mother in law rant.

My mother in law was walking behind me while I was helping her shop for a suitcase. I could see she was checking me out.

Her comment, "Now that you have lost weight, you have lines behind your knees." Nice comment. Not, "You are looking so much smaller." or "You are looking great" But pointing out my stretch marks behind my knees which have been there for 20 years and always visible (as I never gave up wearing shorts).

In informed her a bit later that stretch marks are not from losing weight by gaining weight, but she said she never noticed them before - sooooo nice she is!

I'm trying to find a way to mention to her that I now wear the same size pant she does as I'm SURE she think she's still smaller. She weighs 20 some pounds less, but our behinds are the same size. And I cannot WAIT until I'm a size smaller than she. She has been after me about my weight since I married her son.

What is wrong with this woman???
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:02 PM   #2
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In informed her a bit later that stretch marks are not from losing weight by gaining weight, but she said she never noticed them before - sooooo nice she is
!

"Don't feed the trolls" is all I can say.

Whatever is wrong with her, don't engage and feed her drama. Some people just can't be happy in themselves or for others.

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Old 08-15-2011, 05:12 PM   #3
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I am a mil to a dil and a sil. I treat both my in law children like they are my own children and I doubt they would say anything bad about me because I had a terror of a mil and decided I would not be that person. First off, if you want to get in her face about it, don't feel badly if you do. You have a perfect right to confront people that say things that hurt your feelings or make you feel bad. I would however, do it in just that way. Tell her that her comment hurt your feelings that it sounded like a judgement against you instead of going on and on about losing weight and such. She will frankly close her ears to that because people who say the things she did don't see anything wrong with it until they are told they are out of line so to speak and a lot of times, even then see nothing wrong with what they did. Secondly, if you decide to just not say anything, don't feel badly about that either. Just take it for what it is worth, that this woman no matter what says stuff to you so SHE can feel superior. Bad or irritating mothers-in-law do so because of several reasons, their sons didn't ask their permission to marry who they did or discuss it with her and get her approval, they see the dil as a competitior for the son's affection or attention, they feel inferior and to make themselves feel superior say hurtful things to the dil. Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of those kinds of mil's around and less of the "I am not going to be a budinsky" mil. I don't always agree with my dil, how she raises my grandson, etc, but I love her for who she is, never interfere in her and my son's lives, mind my own business and make sure she is included in all decisions with regards to anything I do for my grandson. Of course, my son can be a horses patoot and though I love him, I have eyes and don't see through rose colored glasses either, so..... Good luck with whatever decision you make and know that no matter what you can be proud of your accomplishment!!!

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Old 08-15-2011, 05:13 PM   #4
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I agree with astrophe entirely. Oftentimes the snide remarks people make to others are just a reflection of their own insecurities or they just like to start drama, either way I wouldn't give it another thought. Easier said then done I'm sure but it's obvious that she made you mad/upset/hurt with the comment she made and rather than throwing anything back at her verbally instead take that energy and refocus it on yourself and put it towards exercising and eating healthy.

You know you've done good and will continue to so don't let a silly remark from your MIL get you down.
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:17 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gma22 View Post
I am a mil to a dil and a sil. I treat both my in law children like they are my own children and I doubt they would say anything bad about me because I had a terror of a mil and decided I would not be that person. First off, if you want to get in her face about it, don't feel badly if you do. You have a perfect right to confront people that say things that hurt your feelings or make you feel bad. I would however, do it in just that way. Tell her that her comment hurt your feelings that it sounded like a judgement against you instead of going on and on about losing weight and such. She will frankly close her ears to that because people who say the things she did don't see anything wrong with it until they are told they are out of line so to speak and a lot of times, even then see nothing wrong with what they did. Secondly, if you decide to just not say anything, don't feel badly about that either. Just take it for what it is worth, that this woman no matter what says stuff to you so SHE can feel superior. Bad or irritating mothers-in-law do so because of several reasons, their sons didn't ask their permission to marry who they did or discuss it with her and get her approval, they see the dil as a competitior for the son's affection or attention, they feel inferior and to make themselves feel superior say hurtful things to the dil. Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of those kinds of mil's around and less of the "I am not going to be a budinsky" mil. I don't always agree with my dil, how she raises my grandson, etc, but I love her for who she is, never interfere in her and my son's lives, mind my own business and make sure she is included in all decisions with regards to anything I do for my grandson. Of course, my son can be a horses patoot and though I love him, I have eyes and don't see through rose colored glasses either, so..... Good luck with whatever decision you make and know that no matter what you can be proud of your accomplishment!!!
Can I have you for a mother in law, please?
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:19 PM   #6
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I feel your pain, lol. My mother in law is considerably bigger than me. For some reason, she has been on my case about my weight since I met her son 20 years ago. For the record, every woman in my hubby's family is a bit bigger than me but honestly, how is that my problem?!? I've come to the conclusion long ago that her insecurity about my weight is simply...her problem. On another note, I've not spoken to her in almost four years when she called me and my deceased mother (on the day she died no less) "trash". 'Nuff said. Thankfully, my DH is not close to her at all and thinks she treats me with supreme disrespect. I just feel for you, that's all.
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:23 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by astrophe View Post
!

"Don't feed the trolls" is all I can say.

Whatever is wrong with her, don't engage and feed her drama. Some people just can't be happy in themselves or for others.

A.
You know, I don't and I can let things roll off my back most of the time. But after spending the entire freaking day with here to buy a replacement suitcase and after 18 years of negative comments about my weight (and everything else), it can be hard to take. Add to that, she lives with us. I can't evere escape from it.

Her recent comments are that she is afraid I will look too old if I keep dropping weight because my skin will look bad. She now made a comment about my 20 year old stretch marks.

Some days it's just really hard to let it roll off my back.

And I would never be spiteful (not my way), but I really do want to be smaller than her. Maybe for an internal gloat?
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:28 PM   #8
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Hi,
I am a Mother-in-law but one who comments only on the positive.I feel for you but may I suggest you just smile and change the subject because she is trying to engage you in drama.This is a loose- loose situation if you take the bait.

Now your revenge can come when you are a smaller size and offer to take her to lunch with some side shopping. Then you can pick out your size which will be obviously smaller than hers. Without you ever saying a word your point will have been made.

Alternatively, when she makes a snide remark you can smile and say something positive about her. Like oh yes those darn behind the knee marks-you are so lucky not to be bothered with them or some such. This will take the bullets out of her gun. It will be very difficult for her to continue in the negative about you.

If she does continue, again try to change the subject to something like Oh lets talk about what is going on in your life? So often people who are difficult are really just lonely but have poor interpersonal skills. Use distraction-if their are grandchildren use them as every MIL loves to talk about the grandchildren.

The upside is that your husband will love you all the more for making an effort at getting along with her.He will especially be grateful for not being put in the position of taking sides. Secretly he no doubt knows she is difficult but just wants peace.

If all else fails, see her for brief periods, taking small gifts for her and just know this too will pass.

Best of luck.

Sheridan
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:29 PM   #9
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Oh honey, I feel for you! My MIL can drive me nuts too. Saturday we all went to Red Lobster to eat. (This was after we drove 80 miles yet again, mowed for them, pulled weeds, cleaned their house, delivered our garden produce to their neighbors, trimmed MIL's nails, gave FIL a haircut...etc.) Anyway, as the family sat and feasted on apps and cheese biscuits I patiently waited for my meal. I ordered the maple chicken breast, (Can't stand fishy stuff) with a double side of broc, (instead of the rice and potato choices) and a garden salad no croutons and the lite red-wine vinaigrette salad dressing. The meal was around 800 calories and I had saved breakfast calories. At this point I had eaten around 200 calorie for the day because I knew we would be eating out.

Needless to say, I was hungry. She looked at me and said some snarly comment about how quickly I was eating and she couldn't believe how I manage to keep my weight down when I eat SO FAST. Of course I did what you did and started defending myself, but I should have told her I was starving to death from kissing her butt all day...lol
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:36 PM   #10
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I guess I was writing and missed the "she lives with us ".Now that is not a good situation and no wonder you are having a hard time. This is a situation that needs changing in my opinion.

I live with a grandmother who disliked my Mother and I have never forgiven her. Couples need to alone.

I hope you can arrange a move for her.
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:45 PM   #11
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I didn't realize she lived with you. That makes it all the harder to ignore bad behaviour.

Can you treat it like the weather channel? "That is rude" for when she is rude and "That was nice" when she is nice? Identify, but not engage further.

Like you identify for a baby "That is a DOG" or "That is a TREE" -- Just ID the thing. But you don't go explaining or justifying why a dog is a dog or why a tree is a tree to the kid. They just ARE.

I don't know if it helps but with my Alzheimer dad you have to ignore the words themselves because they are usually garbage. You have to try to get a sense of the feelings behind the words.

If she's projecting all this body image stuff on you likely she's fretting about herself. Or seeing that you are getting older means she's that much older still or "closer to death." I know dad wigs out at anything that reflects on HIS age... my bdays just drive him around the bend. I think he gets morbid about the death and dying thing -- needlessly so.

Hang in there!
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Old 08-15-2011, 06:24 PM   #12
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Quote:
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I should have told her I was starving to death from kissing her butt all day...lol

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Funniest thing I have read or heard all day! Thanks!

Personally, I like the "that is rude" or "that is nice" suggestion. If you call her out on it, in a polite way, then you will be bringing it to her attention. She can either chose to discuss it further, or simply take in the point that you just made.
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Old 08-15-2011, 06:34 PM   #13
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Just a short comment about "taking sides". Your husband can't pick a side because he already did. He chose yours when he married you. No such thing as taking sides with someone that's not a part of your marriage.
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Old 08-15-2011, 06:57 PM   #14
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Must hard since she lives with you. My troll lives next door to me and is always quick with a negative comment, like "some people won't look good skinny". It is no fun having to wonder what and when she will attack next.
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Old 08-15-2011, 07:18 PM   #15
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Hi,
I agree about the taking sides in theory but in a practical manner his Mother is his Mother and he can be put in the position of taking sides. Certain cultures do promote this and I think it can and will be possible depending on the individual situation. I would not just discount it just because he chose his wife.

The fact that the MIL is living in the house tells volumes in my opinion. I bet if he were asked,he might say it is a bad position to be between your wife and Mother. Mothers have a huge influence and to discount it could be a mistake.

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