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"There's no way you're that big!" "But I am. Now shut up."

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Old 07-17-2011, 07:23 PM   #1
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Default "There's no way you're that big!" "But I am. Now shut up."

I might be the only person who's actually annoyed by this, but I cannot stand it when I have the following conversation with someone:

"My god, you've lost a lot of weight! Don't go overboard."
"Well, actually, I'm bigger than I look. I still have a ways to go."
"You're no bigger than 130 pounds! You can't be!"
"I'm closer to 170."
"There is NO WAY you're that big. No way."
"No, I really am. And that's much too big for my height."
"Well, how much more are you going to lose?"
"I'm not sure yet. I'll know when I get there."

It drives me absolutely crazy when people don't believe I'm as big as I am. It's like, dude, I get weighed every week. I have proof. And unless these people are doctors -- and, specifically, unless they're my doctor, they've got no right commenting on whether or not I've lost enough weight.

I do wonder if it's because people just aren't used to seeing me at a normal weight, and so seeing me like this just throws them off to the point where they can't help but butt in where they have no business doing so.

I mean, I don't mind compliments, but this almost feels like a backhanded one, you know? "Oh, you've lost so much weight....but don't lose too much!" Half the time I feel like shooting back, "Just because you wish you could do it too, that doesn't mean you get to dictate what I weigh."

Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just weird? *L*
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Old 07-17-2011, 07:35 PM   #2
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Most people don't know what 170 pounds look like, or 270 pounds for that matter. I avoid these types of conversations by never talking about my weight. If I absolutely have to answer how much I have lost , I just say "some" and change the subject.
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Old 07-17-2011, 07:38 PM   #3
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I have one friend that I have this conversation with all the time, except not having anything to do with me having lost weight. She's tiny, and no many how many times I tell her, she refused to believe that I'm the size I am. When I was pregnant, she sent me her maternity clothes, including size 2 maternity jeans, and a size large shirt. Not maternity large, just large. I know she didn't mean it to be mean, but if felt like she was just rubbing it in how big I was compared to other pregnant women.

A couple years ago, we went shopping together for a dress for our reunion, and I said I'd need to look in the plus department and she flatly denied it. As if I didn't know what size clothes I was wearing. As if it's not hard enough to say "I have to look in the plus size department," she makes me make an issue of it. Recently she scoffed at the XXL I was trying on. Haven't we been through this already? Gah. It's frustrating.
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Old 07-17-2011, 07:54 PM   #4
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I definitely have frustration over this as well, but I try to remember that most people probably mean what they say as complimentary. They're trying to make you feel better by disagreeing with your size. I know personally, if someone were to say to me "I'm an XXL"...i'd feel bad AGREEING with them. And I think a lot of us here would be upset if someone did agree with them when they say they need a larger size. Sometimes it's hard for those who aren't losing weight to win with us overweight people. I'm not saying this to say that our complaints aren't valid, just to offer a different perspective.

I know, for me, even though I've lost weight and love getting compliments, I still feel hesitant to say anything to someone else who's lost weight. It's just such a touchy subject, you never know who will be offended by what. Personally, I try not to get too upset at comments unless they are rude comments on how I look. I try to remember that most people really do mean well and probably just don't know how to express that.
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Old 07-17-2011, 07:55 PM   #5
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I totally feel you! I started at 288 and now, at 215, people are saying how "skinny" I look! Ha! Right. Makes me think, geez, how big did I look that 215lb looks "skinny"???? And I agree with bargoo that as a society we so rarely talk about wieght truthfully that it can be hard to know what 170lb really looks like!

Zoodoo's comments on clothing size makes me think of a convo I had with a coworker. This is a coworker than knows about my weight loss and we talk nutrition often. I'd bought a new dress in an XL. This coworker complimented the dress and I said something like "yeah, I got it in misses too, it's an XL!" And she looks confused, so I explain that I haven't worn an XL in quite some time. And she says "There's sizes after XL?!?" Seriously. I nearly smacked her.
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Old 07-17-2011, 07:55 PM   #6
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I think people think they're being nice by underestimating a friend's weight, when really it just makes you think more about how much you have to lose.
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Old 07-17-2011, 07:59 PM   #7
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My mother thinks I'm weighing myself wrong and I can't possibly be 170. She thinks I'm 130 and constantly tells me to weigh myself on another scale. I did and I got the same weight. Still she refuses to believe it.

I know I'm a bit smaller than someone of the same weight (I'm a size 10), but I've always been that way.
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Old 07-17-2011, 08:04 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ahyessophie View Post
I think people think they're being nice by underestimating a friend's weight, when really it just makes you think more about how much you have to lose.
I think you've hit the nail on the head. I never thought about it, but this is exactly why it bothers me! It just makes me think about the 50 pounds I still have to lose.
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Old 07-17-2011, 08:27 PM   #9
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Snoofie, I completely know what you mean! I remember my grandmother commenting a while ago after I had lost a significant amount of weight for the first time in my life. I was about 160lbs at the time, and Vegan (I'm Pescetarian now). I had gotten a bit dizzy after doing some chores to help my mom out, who was moving at the time. This was directly related to a car accident I had been in a few months prior and was still recovering from. My grandmother decided that I must be malnutritioned (due to my eating habits), and said that I should probably be eating more. She said she was concerned that I had lost so much weight. When I told her that I still had a good deal more to lose, she seemed distressed. She proclaimed that I couldn't be over 130 lbs, and when I denied that and told her I was truly 160, she outright REFUSED to believe me! People's perceptions of us can be so skewed sometimes. I believe it has something to do with seeing us as close to a normal weight when they're so accustomed to us being much larger. This is probably doubly true for those who have been overweight-obese their entire lives, as I had been. Still, I shudder to think how she'll react when I actually am 130-120 lbs!!
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Old 07-17-2011, 08:46 PM   #10
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No one believed my younger sister was wearing a size 12 at 5'4" and 195 lbs--lots of muscle. She got annoyed and dragged my aunt over to the scales and forced her to look at the number.
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Old 07-17-2011, 08:47 PM   #11
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It takes a lot to get me annoyed. Some of it is just experience with a wide range of different people. I've worked with a lot of people from different backgrounds and from different cultures, and I've learned that rude and annoying are in the mind of the beholder.

What people have "no business discussing" is by far not universal - it's not only cultural, it's also subcultural and familial. What's rude to discuss to one person, may be rude not to discuss by another (for example complimenting a person's children in some cultures is considered bad luck). In some culture's it's polite (and virtually mandatory) to inquire about a person's health when greeting them, and in other's that's in very poor taste.


I learned that no topic or even gesture could be taken for granted (in some cultures if you let someone see the sole of your foot, it's the equivalent of flipping them off).

So, I don't assume someone is meaning to be rude or trying to run my life if they share an opinion I don't share, or discuss a topic I'm not comfortable with.

If I don't like the topic, I have the right and the ability to say so. And if I'm calm and friendly when I say "I don't want to discuss this topic," Nine times out of then, people will comply.

I prefer straight-forward communications to expecting folks to know my wishes as I suffer in silence.

Most people are just following a "script" they've been taught. They're just saying what they heard other people say in the same situation. They're not trying to control your weight loss, they're just on autopilot. You can educate them by telling them how you feel, or you can assume they mean well and ignore what they have to say, because people have all sorts of opinions that are nonsense - or you can do what you're doing now, say nothing and feel annoyed.

I don't like feeling annoyed, so when I'm uncomfortable with something someone is saying, I either dismiss it as nonsense, I change the subject or tell them I don't like being told what they're telling me, and tell them why.

Open communications works a lot better, in my experience, than wishing people would act differently without ever telling them so.

Of course I'm also ridiculously open with people, and believe that most taboo subjects shouldn't be. So I'm also often sticking my foot in my mouth because I like discussing health and weight loss topics and my opinions regarding them. And I don't even mind disagreeing with people (and people disagreeing with me) if it makes the conversation interesting.
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Old 07-17-2011, 09:00 PM   #12
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I think a huge part of this is that people really do not know what a person weighs based on how they look, and strangely enough they usually underestimate by a lot.

From my own side, I'd see a conversation happening this way:

Them: "My god, you've lost a lot of weight! Don't go overboard."
Me: "Thank you! And no worries. I won't. *smiles* Hey how's the family?"
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Old 07-17-2011, 10:52 PM   #13
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I've had that in the past. "You don't look like you weigh that much" but I got used to just not engaging.

I'm like Lovely. In your convo above I would have been more like

"My god, you've lost a lot of weight! Don't go overboard."
"'OK, thanks!"

And ended it there. My biz is my biz. *shrug* I do not feel the need to discuss it in great detail with people. They keep pushing me, I'll add "Ok, Heard you the first time. But this topic is not up for discussion."

Now that I'm def up in obese territory it's the same.

"You need to lose weight!"
"Ok, thanks!"

and shut the convo down.

In the end it is me having to do the work, and this forum is where I vent and talk about my struggles. IRL -- I def do not.

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Old 07-17-2011, 11:03 PM   #14
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You know what my pet peeve is?
When people notice that I've lost weight and say "How much WEIGHT have you LOST?"
I just want to smack them and be like NONE OF YOUR D*** BUSINESS!
But I settle for just smiling and saying "A lot."

No one knows how much I weigh or how much I've lost other than my doctor and you guys. Why should I have to tell if I don't want to, you know?
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Old 07-18-2011, 06:07 AM   #15
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I think people are just trying to be likable and polite when they say so.
Unless you are a muscle-woman it is very healthy for you to lose more weight of course. The BMI charts may not be the absolute tool but they are dependable to a safe degree.
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