I’m looking for advice on what to say to my best friend. First of all, we never talk about my weight or my weight loss. I have other friends whom are extremely supportive and congratulate me and notice when I’m looking slimmer. However she never seems to address it. I’ve tried to talk to her about it but when ever I complain to her about dieting or talk about my success she seems to cut me short and change the subject. I’m hoping she isn’t jealous, she is a thin girl herself I think she might almost feel guilty because she has never had to deal with being over weight. I know she has self image issues herself because everybody does and she had the awkward skinny girl childhood as opposed to my awkward chubby girl childhood. So whenever we have these conversations it seems like a freakin competition over who feels worse about themselves... it’s weird.
Another thing is that she recently got a new boyfriend whom she loves and I am SO happy for her. However, she has been being a really ****ty friend since she started seeing him. Since she started dating him I expected to be ditched a few times and for her to be spending a lot of time with him. However, it seems lately that she is almost rubbing it in my face that she has someone. The other night she completely ditched me and didn’t even bother to call me and let me know she wasn’t going to show, resulting in my calling it a night and heading home early after coming into the city to see her. I was furious. Also (this may be too much info haha but oh well ) one night we had plans to meet up at her apt. I called before I headed over and even showed up a little late so she had times to get things together because I new she was with her bf. When I got there she took forever to come to the door and then answered it all huffy and puffy because her bf and her had just hopped out of “bed”. I was totally fine with it and starting laughing with her about it, but it was kind of embarrassing for her to put me into that situation and it almost seems like it was strangely intentional but I’m not sure.
Sorry for the long post but I guess I’m just wondering what you guys think. I so badly want my friend to be happy but she really hurt me by bailing on me especially after I have gone out of my way to be a supportive friend to her in the recent past when she went through a break up. I also wish she would see how much I struggle with my weight and sympathize with me so that I can get skinny and get an awesome bf too.
I have to say this out loud... (In this case type it) Girls have maturity issues when it comes to boys. Especially when they are new to the dating process. Throw a boy into a socially responsible, modest, and intelligent female and you some how get Bella dramatic Glee character out of her.
Most girls seem to think the world revolves around the guy. I wonder if it's a socially dependency issue we are raised with or if it's honestly just natural hormonal imbalances and instinct...
Anyway, all of my friends (every last one of them), have ditched me on nights for a guy. I've made plans to see a show, even bought the tickets, only to be stood up by a gal pal whose lame excuses is: "My boyfriend got the night off...you understand, right?" The best I can do is just smile and say sure. If they do this constantly, I sit them down and talk with them.
As a friend, it's feels like our duty to listen to our friends, respect our friends, and try to understand out friends. Yours is in a relationship which she is still star struck with. You need to let her know how you feel. Just say that it hurts you when she's so disrespectful. You totally get she has a guy and you don't want all of her time and want to give her some space, but don't you deserve respect of not being stood up when plans are made? Or kept waiting at the door because she can't get her hormones in balance?
Have you ever had a boyfriend? That's another thing I've learned. I didn't start dating until I was older (school nerd ftw), I always scoffed at my friends for being so dramatic when it came to their boy friends. They would read into things that to me seemed less dramatic. They would do the lame, "Should I call him? No... maybe he needs to call me? BUT I WANT TO CALL HIM!" Games... I never really understood why it was so easy to ditch me the moment a guy showed up and asked them to hang out. I was like chopped liver.
Then I started dating and lo and behold... holy freaking god, I was the SAME WAY! I never wanted to be that dramatic little Bella Swan character who got her best lines from a soap opera and there I was ... a stereotypical girl. I would stare at my phone waiting for a text. Read way too much into things like a shrug of the shoulders when I asked a serious question. I would ponder rules to dating and wonder if they needed to be followed or if they were just guidelines. I mean... I was PATHETIC. And I hate to admit to all of that because I use to pride myself on my logical take on situations and my ability to act calmly and rationally and there I was, panicking because my boy friend arrived 10 minutes early and I had yet to put on eye liner. ><
It's hard for your friend to relate to your weight problem just like it's hard for you to really relate to hers. It's hard for you to see how a male some how clouds a females judgement and your friend is still learning the balance between life and relationships. It takes practice and it usually takes a while of dating the same person before you learn how to tell them "it's girls-night-out" not "our-night-in." I know I felt a lot different about being ditched when I started dating and realized I was an idiot about it too.
I now am better at balancing such things. Dating is a lot of time with the boy friend and you need to respect your actual friends. I'm not justifying being stood up or disrespected like that. Those things shouldn't happen and you should talk to her about it.
Also, getting support on weight is tough from some people. Some people don't know what to say, how to say it, and unfortunately not everyone wants to feel good for other people. We're all human. Ask her if it bugs her if you talk about your weight loss. If it does, then I wouldn't recommend talking about it all that much but continue support for her if she's gaining weight or dating.
There isn't a code to being a friend to someone. There aren't rules, there aren't guidelines, there isn't a "You're only a good friend if..." ultimatum. A friendship works if two people enjoy time together. Some people are just friends, and other people are GREAT friends. She might just be a friend.
"A good friend will wake up and bail you out of jail, while a great friend will be in the cell next to you saying 'Dang that was fun!'"
Both are good friends to have.
IMO I would see it as though she's jealous and see's you as a threat in a way. I don't know your friend but by the way you describe her she seems to be a meanie at times (she might totally not be or she's just having an attitude idk i'm not trying to judge her). I can only hypothesize that now that you're on your weight loss journey maybe she doesn't have a way to "one-up" you. Maybe she notices things that you do not, for example maybe more people are checking you out or giving you compliments for your weight loss and it feeds into her insecurity complex; and her only way to combat that is for her to shove the whole "I have a bf you don't" thing. This is just my opinion, I'm pretty apprehensive of girls in general so it might come off as very aggressive. I agree that when people start off in a relationship they might see their friends less but that doesn't give her any right to make plans with you and not show up without notice. If I were you I would set things straight, sit her down but remind her that it's not an attack against her (if she is insecure like you say I can't emphasize this more b/c many extremely insecure ppl i've known get extremely defensive if they feel even the least bit attacked), and tell her everything and how you feel; if she's a good friend she will listen and make changes. Don't let her change the subject make sure you let her know you will both get your chance to speak your peace. This may just be a test for you on her judgement of character to see if she's with you during challenging times. Good Luck!
Maybe it's time for you to focus on other friends, or if you don't have very many, find more. It sounds to me like your relationship with her is changing because she doesn't want to be around you that much, for whatever reason. That's not your problem, it's hers, but just focus elsewhere. Don't waste your time trying to figure her out.
^^^Agreed. I also think her coming to the door all out of sorts from just getting out of bed with her boyfriend was intentional...just another way to rub in your face how she has someone and you don't. Perhaps her insecurity is why she is not supporting of your weight loss, perhaps she feels threatened and maybe she's worried you'll find a "better" boyfriend than hers (I don't intend to imply people are better than others...IME, I find though, that insecure, competitive people always seem to be obsessed with having "better" everything, including people, such as better-looking boyfriends or more influential friends). I know when I lost weight I had female "friends" who couldn't handle the possibility that I might be competing with them for boyfriends. Of course, we know a woman can find a great boyfriend at any size, but the ones who seemed threatened seemed stuck on the idea that only thin women were loveable.
Have you tried talking to her to tell her how you feel? She might realize how she's making you feel and change her behaviour, but for me personally, I wouldn't be able to be friends with someone who kept rubbing something in my face or didn't show up for events. Sure, a boyfriend can take up a lot of time, but she could have at least let you know ahead of time that she wasn't going to be able to make it.
Standing up a friend, regardless of whether its for a new boyfriend or another girl friend, when you are already out and made the trip to see her is totally unacceptable and infuriating. Whether she's starry-eyed for a new guy or not, that is not how a friend should treat another friend. It makes me sad that you expected to be ditched because she has this guy. I think you can expect her to be busy sometimes but not to be stood up or totally bailed on. Next time it happens, I would say something. Otherwise, she will start thinking it's okay to cancel on you because you never make a fuss.
As for her acknowledging your weight... Different friends are good for different reasons. Some will not be as open-eared about certain issues as others. You said she has self-image issues - perhaps your struggles (as well as your victories) are difficult for her to talk about for this reason. Sometimes people just don't know what to say, especially if it's something that can be very sensitive. My weight is not something I really ever talk about with my friends, so I was really glad to find 3FC.
I think we always jump on the... "my friend is jelous wagon"... I know... I've done it too. Sometimes we get wrapped up in what we're doing that we forget about other people. How often do you talk to her about you losing weight? And when was the last time you asked her how things were going with her boyfriend?
Weight loss is a battle that only someone else who's losing weight or has lost in the past can understand. It's ongoing and it's 24/7. Losing weight is pretty much the focal point of everything during the process... and sometimes other people around us just don't understand how important it is and they don't want to hear anything besides "Hey, I'm so excited, I lost another 5 lbs". They simply get bored with the subject.
Now her leaving you flat is just rude... that would make me furious. I would just confront her and ask her why she did it... sounds like she's being passive aggressive about something, but you should ask her outright why is she acting strange. Maybe she's mad at you about something else and not necessarily jelous about your weightloss. My best friend and I are both overweight and we never talk about weight loss for more than 5 minutes. My best friend also ignored me all the time when she got with her boyfriend... that was 5 years ago... since then they've had a child and broken up but I stuck through it all because her friendship is worth it to me. Is your friend worth it to you?
Even if you are overweight, you are probably better-looking than she is, in her eyes anyways -that's for sure!
Her insecurities are apparent from her actions - rubbing her bf in your face, and not celebrating with you in your weight-loss success.
I'm not saying she's a bad friend, because I've done similar things to my girls -don't judge me - but at the end of the day, I would have their backs.
Plus, I doubt you'd keep her as a friend if it was all bad and you got no love form her at all.
If she's important to you, then ask her why she doesn't mention your success. Or ask her how come she has to talk about her bf so much.
I think we always jump on the... "my friend is jelous wagon"... I know... I've done it too. Sometimes we get wrapped up in what we're doing that we forget about other people. How often do you talk to her about you losing weight? And when was the last time you asked her how things were going with her boyfriend?
Weight loss is a battle that only someone else who's losing weight or has lost in the past can understand. It's ongoing and it's 24/7. Losing weight is pretty much the focal point of everything during the process... and sometimes other people around us just don't understand how important it is and they don't want to hear anything besides "Hey, I'm so excited, I lost another 5 lbs". They simply get bored with the subject.
Now her leaving you flat is just rude... that would make me furious. I would just confront her and ask her why she did it... sounds like she's being passive aggressive about something, but you should ask her outright why is she acting strange. Maybe she's mad at you about something else and not necessarily jelous about your weightloss. My best friend and I are both overweight and we never talk about weight loss for more than 5 minutes. My best friend also ignored me all the time when she got with her boyfriend... that was 5 years ago... since then they've had a child and broken up but I stuck through it all because her friendship is worth it to me. Is your friend worth it to you?
Thanks for all the responses! Super helpful! I think I'm going to be more patient with her and stand by her because she is my oldest friend. However, I am def going to tell her that she hurt me by totally ditching me the other night. I know she's really into this guy and I hope if I find a guy that I'm that into she will have patience with me. I haven't had a boyfriend before and this is a really good point to make. I have been smitten with guys that I've been 'seeing' so I can understand the whole crazy girl, freak out every time the phone rings mentality. I know how love can consume your life and because of that I'm going to have more patience with her. However, I have way too much pride to just not mention the fact that she really dropped the friend ball. Once again thanks for the help, it really helped me see the big picture. I agree about the weight loss comments too, I think it's because we're so close and I trust her completely that I actually WANT to share with her the thing I am most insecure about and the fact that she doesn't really want to hear it, hurts a little. However, I've come to understand that I think she just doesn't get it and probably never will, it's not her fault she has just never had to deal with it and I've never had to deal with being the awkward, flat chested, skinny girl either which I'm sure is difficult as well.
Thanks for all the responses! Super helpful! I think I'm going to be more patient with her and stand by her because she is my oldest friend. However, I am def going to tell her that she hurt me by totally ditching me the other night. I know she's really into this guy and I hope if I find a guy that I'm that into she will have patience with me. I haven't had a boyfriend before and this is a really good point to make. I have been smitten with guys that I've been 'seeing' so I can understand the whole crazy girl, freak out every time the phone rings mentality. I know how love can consume your life and because of that I'm going to have more patience with her. However, I have way too much pride to just not mention the fact that she really dropped the friend ball. Once again thanks for the help, it really helped me see the big picture. I agree about the weight loss comments too, I think it's because we're so close and I trust her completely that I actually WANT to share with her the thing I am most insecure about and the fact that she doesn't really want to hear it, hurts a little. However, I've come to understand that I think she just doesn't get it and probably never will, it's not her fault she has just never had to deal with it and I've never had to deal with being the awkward, flat chested, skinny girl either which I'm sure is difficult as well.
See, this is why women are so much better than men. We are just so capable of compassion and understanding.
-jk fellas-
Jealous Friend? Weight Loss and Friend Troubles.
) one night we had plans to meet up at her apt. I called before I headed over and even showed up a little late so she had times to get things together because I new she was with her bf. When I got there she took forever to come to the door and then answered it all huffy and puffy because her bf and her had just hopped out of “bed”. I was totally fine with it and starting laughing with her about it, but it was kind of embarrassing for her to put me into that situation and it almost seems like it was strangely intentional but I’m not sure.
