[one small bowl]

Lots of good advice given (I love this forum!).

My mother who has hounded me most of my adult life about "doing something" about my obesity was shocked one day when seeing I had lost about 60 pounds. Did she compliment me? Nope, she asked me if I had been sick.

I understand about having body image issues and I believe most women do to some extent. Opening up to people with our fears or insecurities is always a risk, one that I think is necessary and one we should be prepared to take the reaction and comments, whatever it is. We need to develop "thicker skin" to help us navigate the negativity that is out there in this world and learn not to take it so personally. Relationships are always complex and others may not be as sensitive as we are and not realize the hurt a comment may give. A good practice is to simply tell a person that the comment hurt and leave it at that. My usual response to a hurtful comment is to simply say "I don't understand why you would want to want to say a negative/hurtful comment like that to me". This is non-confrontational and leaves it reflecting back on them. Saying I don't understand makes them "think" about their comment and often they "rephrase it" with less of a negative impact. When I said that to my Mother, she acted shocked and then said she just noted I had lost a lot of weight and had not mentioned being on a diet. It was her conclusion, but she left out the middle part when making the first comment.

I have lost 85 pounds, not even my husband has not yet complimented me (although he is amazed by the amount, it has not come to any sort of compliment or detectable appreciation). That may be due to his own need to lose weight, for most of our marriage, I weighed much more than him, now he weighs much more than me, it could be those weird dynamics. My family acts like nothing has happened, I have received no compliments from them either. I compliment them, I tell my husband he is handsome and he smiles. Only "I" have complimented myself and I feel terrific about it. If I waited to receive feedback, I would be waiting a really long time. So on with my thicker skin and know that no matter what anyone says (or doesn't say) I am who I am and I am making a better me every day. After all, it is only me living in this body.

[rubyred7]

One Small Bowl,
Let me be the one of many to say congrats and you look awesome, I know what it is for family to never be satisified with what you have accomplished. I worked my tail off to get my BA in English lit and all my family can say is what are you going to do with it now? Why aren't you teaching, or your writing is beautiful why can't you get into that field? They have no idea how hard that is and that maybe that's not really what I want to do for a career. My boyfriend is a chef, and I work at a hotel and I enjoy doing that. It's all about finding what makes you happy--not them. Cause at the end of the day you can't escape yourself--you can others--but you're stuck with you. That's just something I have been thinking on lately, as I embark on this 19 year struggle with weight loss(I have struggled with it since I was about 4yrs old.) So keep smiling and love where you are on the way to where you want to go.

[kimmieval]

MY mom and I have a great relationship but she is sometimes insensitive about weight issues. I grew up hearing about my English calves and huge thighs (my thigh was the circumference of my current waist measurement-go figure)

I have heard every joke about being heavy and my sister being the small one. I finally told her to sock it, stop harping about my size and shape and leave me alone (not a rude conversation as my mom and I have can talk it out without hard feelings). It was hard at first for her not to comment, but now she is my biggest supporter.

Talk to your mom and tell her why her words hurt, also tell her the level of support you expect from her. Now go jump in the pool, have a drink and have a great day in your swimsuit. At least you can dog-paddle...I am still at the at my head under water stage (lol)

[Esofia]

I just ran your stats through the BMI calculator, and you have a BMI of 24.7, which is just inside the normal range. At 3" shorter and 7lb lighter than you, I have a BMI of 25.9. I'm bosomy, though, so I'm probably of similar proportions to you in general, and yes, I am built with a petite frame as well. I'd say that this is the size at which you feel heavier than the particularly slim women out there, and the size at which a nagging mother will make you feel lousy (NB: that sort of mother will make you feel bad even when you're really thin. I went down to a BMI of 17 through illness once, and my mother never even noticed and still made the odd unflattering remark), and not being able to get into your former clothes is miserable, but on the grand scale of things, we're both only borderline overweight. Definitely not enough for it to be noticeable in a swimming pool, even if I do try to imagine the world through the eyes of someone with reasonably good vision. (I'm about -7 if you add the astigmatism to the myopia, and stopped calling myself "blind as a bat" when I met my partner, who is about -19. If I want to be evil, I move his glasses about a foot away from where he puts them overnight, and he will pat the bedside table for a moment and then realise he's stuck. Hah.)

I was a completely hopeless swimmer in school, by the way. I signed up for the lifesaving class when I was 16, and it was a total disaster. To start with, I never really learnt how to swim properly, and being small and not particularly strong, was making a complete hash of it. I had trouble lugging people about. I couldn't see the girl at the other end of the pool whom I was meant to be rescuing, and my eyes stung like mad from the chlorine. I felt intensely uncomfortable putting my arm across other girls' chests as I was in the throes of coming to terms with my sexual orientation (you can spot us, we're the ones who never wander around holding hands with our female friends). I kept on getting ear infections from swimming, and ended up with earplugs which meant that now I couldn't see *or* hear clearly. I bravely kept on for a while, then gave up, quit the class, and joined the group of people doing lengths in a cordoned-off lane. Honestly, I absolutely hated swimming. One thing I know for sure, though, is that with all of this going on, I never even thought about what everyone else looked like in their swimsuit!