I have a similar issue. My husband doesn't think i'm too heavy but I feel so unattractive because of my weight that my sex life is suffering. To help I decided to actually have more sex. You see, exercise increases my libido which makes me want to have more sex and feeling sexy makes me want to eat less. Maybe trying to push through this rut to have more sex would increase your resolve to diet. I'm sure your fiancee would be willing to agree to that goal.
well my hubs only made one reference to my weight back when i started... it was our first night alone without our daughter (she was 8 months) and i put on some music and tried to do a sexy dance for him and yea, i had some jiggle... he smiled and i asked what was so funny and he said "gym membership" I immediately shut off the music and went to bed and cried myself to sleep. The next day he apologized profusely about what he said and that he'll join with me at the gym and be my support... Men don't often censor themselves and most don't realize it hurts. Ive been there and hugs to you for his words.
All you can do now is try to move past it and try to use his words as fuel to lite the fire inside you to start being healthy and taking care of yourself. HUGS! <3
well my hubs only made one reference to my weight back when i started... it was our first night alone without our daughter (she was 8 months) and i put on some music and tried to do a sexy dance for him and yea, i had some jiggle... he smiled and i asked what was so funny and he said "gym membership" I immediately shut off the music and went to bed and cried myself to sleep.
It's funny how very similar situations can be interpreted so differently. One day my husband and I came home from a walk, and I was very tired and sweaty when we came home, so I went into our bedroom to change. I stripped out of my clothes before removing my shoes (can't even say why, usually I remove my shoes first), and hubby came into the bedroom as I was standing there, buck-a** naked except for my socks and New Balance walking shoes. He burst out laughing and said, "Now that's a SEXY look," with a tone of voice that I strongly suspect was sarcasm, but there was a twinkle in his eye, and instead of getting angry, I started laughing too and did a little "dance" for him naked. We laughed so hard, and it lead to amazing (well, you get the idea).
We both know we're funny looking naked. We both know that sex can be difficult and with our health issues, it can even a comedy of errors, but we take it in stride, because we love each other enough to see the humor in our situation.
The naked in tennis shoes has become our private joke. Instead of lingerie, the naked in tennis shoes is still the fastest way to get hubby interested in sex (even though I have no illusions that it is my stunning attractiveness in said state of dress, that is sexy). It's the shared joke that's sexy, not 300 lbs (or nearly 400 lbs the first time) of naked flesh, cotton crewsocks and a pair of worn cross-trainers.
"Should I put on my running shoes tonight," has become one of my ways to suggest sex.
My husband says I'm the least feminine woman he knows (I did almost get mad at him for that one). He meant it as a compliment, so I took it as one. He went on to explain that I don't think like most women he's met, and that I wasn't as "crazy" and hard to understand (in other words, I think more like guy - which I have to say is sort of true. I tend to be more straight-forward, and I hate coy games and talking around a subject rather than dealing with it head on).
Of course I teased hubby back that it must mean he must have homosexual tendencies to have fallen in love with such a masculine woman (and he said joking back that it could explain all the same-sex passes he's gotten at the bar).
I don't know if we're freaks because we don't offend each other easily, or if we're just secure enough in our relationship that we choose not to see negativity. (Well, with the exception of during TOM. I'm a completely unreasonable b**** three or four days a month, and hubby has to remind me "If I say something that can be taken be taken two ways, please assume I meant the "good way." And except for those three days a month, I do.
Yes i admit to witholding sex back in last February..but i certainly have not done it for a long time..In fact.. i gave up said thoughts on treadmill and switched over to focussing on diet.. and to the person who suggested a part time job.. i did get one ..in the evening..which has caused a lack sex life but has given me more zest for life..cause i connect with other people besides my own daugher and hunny..
I guess..we just have to have forgivennes for the other person in our lives when they are quick to say something without being sensetive to our feelings..its true..men speak a different language than women..
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt
It sounds like the main issue is you have very low self esteem. I know how hard it can be to grow up with positive self esteem when you are called names as a child, they can cause so much pain. But you are not a child anymore, you're a grown woman and you really have to decide you're not going to let past times spoil your quality of life anymore.
I've always been incredibly sensitive to weight jibes and had extremely poor self esteem. It's only in the last 6 months, through counselling, that I've started feeling like I'm worth something. I have stopped apologising all the time for "not being enough".
We all like our partners/family/friends complimenting us but you don't *need* anyone else to tell you that you're smart/beautiful/kind etc. You have to really know it yourself, and know you're worth peoples time, you're worth being healthy, you deserve a great life. If you don't, you'll never really believe anyone else when they tell you.
In my opinion, the only way to really 'protect' yourself from other peoples hurtful words, is to love and accept yourself just for who you are right now.
I think Kaplods made an excellent point to, injecting a little humour into situations which could otherwise be not so great is helpful, sometimes we take ourselves a little too seriously.
It's also worth saying sometimes you need to try a few different counsellors to find one you really connect with.
PHG I am so glad things are going better for you. I thought the part-time job would help because it gets you out and with other people. I don't work now because I'm disabled. I ruined my health because of my obesity. On one hand I love not going to work everyday - but I definitely miss being with other people - it can be depressing at times and I have to push myself to get out into the world.
Hopefully you and your fiance will continue to work things out. Make sure the two of you have "special time" (and I don't mean sex time) so you can relax together and enjoy each others company. I have a daughter who lives with her boyfriend and they have a one year old daughter. They have a lot of stress, but I tell her how important it is to have a date night every 3-4 weeks to lift their spirits.
So many people defending such a shallow person. ALL RIGHT he gets a little credit for being honest and upfront, but what he said was humiliating and debasing. Insensitive. SHALLOW.
He cares, he cares, he cares....he cares about how you look when you are f*cking? Excuse me, but very few people are too big to have sex with.
So many people defending such a shallow person. ALL RIGHT he gets a little credit for being honest and upfront, but what he said was humiliating and debasing. Insensitive. SHALLOW.
He cares, he cares, he cares....he cares about how you look when you are f*cking? Excuse me, but very few people are too big to have sex with.
So many people defending such a shallow person. ALL RIGHT he gets a little credit for being honest and upfront, but what he said was humiliating and debasing. Insensitive. SHALLOW.
He cares, he cares, he cares....he cares about how you look when you are f*cking? Excuse me, but very few people are too big to have sex with.
Just saying.
He didn't say anything about her looks. He said her size makes it hard to have sex! I'm 60 lbs overweight and that makes it uncomfortable for me which probably makes it awkward for him. I never ask and he never says. I guarantee if I asked he would be honest. So unless you are hiding under their bed you have no idea what he is referring to or what goes on in their room
So many people defending such a shallow person. ALL RIGHT he gets a little credit for being honest and upfront, but what he said was humiliating and debasing. Insensitive. SHALLOW.
He cares, he cares, he cares....he cares about how you look when you are f*cking? Excuse me, but very few people are too big to have sex with.
Just saying.
I may be wrong, but I believe he said the problem was it was difficult to make love with her, the problem is NOT how she looks while they are intimate. THIS DOES MAKE SENSE. Certain positions ARE difficult due to weight. Honestly, I went through the same thing. It HURT. But I am so glad dh told me the truth instead of letting me live in denial.
He was extremely insensitive. It's one thing to admit that weight does impact the sex life, it's another to say it the way he did. I totally understand the low self esteem issues. I don't have a clue why my husband wants to have sex with me, I hate the way I look naked. But there's nothing hotter to him than me walking around in my underwear or flat out naked. Don't ask me why! I'm just grateful he accepts me at my size and even when I was heavier. But I get in funks where I don't think of myself as sexy and that makes it hard to want to intimate, I find then that actually just doing it helps A LOT. I feel more sexy just feeling wanted, I read somewhere that most women aren't in the mood for sex until it actually starts gonig down. If you don't feel comfortable totally nude, buy some sexy outfits that cover up a bit! You may not be totally comfortable with your body, but you should still have fun with it :-P
Edit: Oh and as far as weight limiting the sex, sure some things are harder to do heavier. But most of them can still be done, there are plenty of positions that being heavier won't interfere with much :-P
I'm not sure there is a way that could have been said that would be sensitive, it is a very touchy subject. We also don't know for a fact that those are the words he used.
I wonder how much of these responses are fueled by a projection, an anger from someone's own personal experiences with a partner? Have people read the OP's follow up posts to see how SHE is reacting to this after thinking about it?
Okay, let's call him a shallow insensitive person. Now what? The last thing OP needs in this relationship is more angry confrontation and hurt words. How can she constructively deal with this process?
I wonder how much of these responses are fueled by a projection, an anger from someone's own personal experiences with a partner? Have people read the OP's follow up posts to see how SHE is reacting to this after thinking about it?
Okay, let's call him a shallow insensitive person. Now what? The last thing OP needs in this relationship is more angry confrontation and hurt words. How can she constructively deal with this process?
So many people defending such a shallow person. ALL RIGHT he gets a little credit for being honest and upfront, but what he said was humiliating and debasing. Insensitive. SHALLOW.
He cares, he cares, he cares....he cares about how you look when you are f*cking? Excuse me, but very few people are too big to have sex with.
Just saying.
Will the person that has never been insensitive in thought or action please step forward....
ok...how about the person that never has said something stupid and regretted it......
HUGS! <3
