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Love life is suffering

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Old 06-27-2011, 04:51 PM   #1
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Default Love life is suffering

No, my love life isn't suffering because of my weight. It's because of my wife's weight.

I'm in fairly decent shape, but my wife has been progressively putting on weight until she's now about 60-80 lbs. or so overweight. It's been getting gradually worse in the last few years, and it's still going. Because I work so hard to keep myself fit, she continually tells me how sexy I am, how good I look without a shirt on, etc., but I can't honestly return the complements except to say how nice a dress is on her or something - a complement based on the clothes, not the body.

Part of me wants to return her complements, but I just finding her increasingly less physically attractive - big shocker there. I love her dearly, and my love isn't based on her weight; I'll love her no matter what. But obviously we all find someone in shape more physically attractive than someone, say, at 500 lbs. Although she appears to be happy when I tell her that I've lost another few pounds or how good I feel after a good workout, she still eats her big bag of chocolates, her ice cream, cookies, pasta, waffles, etc, etc. No slowdown.

(I've noticed that people who care about their bodies and work to stay in shape tend to pair off with others who feel the same way, and those who let themselves go and who couldn't care less how much they weigh also pair off with other overweight people. After all, if you don't care how you look, why should you care how your partner looks?)

So I've given up trying to "convert her" with my talk of personal dieting and exercise (hoping maybe it would rub off on her). She's obviously not ready to lose weight, even if it means that her health is at risk and our love life suffers for it, and it does, believe me. She seems sometimes frustrated that we don't "have fun" more often than we do, but there seems to be a disconnect in her mind of why that might be - hmmm. She even mentioned to me once that maybe I should go see a doctor on account of my lack of libido. Talk about painting me into a corner! The angriest she ever got at me was when I alluded once that she might want to consider losing some weight; she hardly spoke to me for two days. I'm not about to mention it again, and I don't have a problem that a doctor is going to fix.

At this point I continue to buy her her favorite strawberry-swirl ice cream, her M&Ms, her Little Debbie snack cakes, her McDonalds fast food, etc, because I know she enjoys them. If she gains a hundred pounds, well, I don't have any control over that and I can't change her. If she ever does decide to go on a diet, of course I'll encourage her all I can. But I hope she understands that becoming obese carries its own consequences, many of which are more unpleasant than merely being hungry.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:01 PM   #2
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I don't know what to tell you in regards to the first 5 paragraphs... but I will say that if you are buying all the junk food for her then you are *enabling* her. It really isn't fair of you to do that - for her or yourself. Just something to think about.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:06 PM   #3
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Well...I guess there is always Rosey Palms and her 5 sisters.

Sorry, but buying her junk food doesn't make her happy...you know it, she knows it, and I know it. Been there, done that.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:08 PM   #4
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HI!

As a former 250 pound wife, my ex husband did just what you did. He asked me about losing weight once, I broke his computer. Childish? yes. Sometimes the truth hurts. But you are doing one thing horribly wrong, you are enabling it. Don't buy her the junk food she enjoys. If she wants it, tell her to go and get it. If she brings it home, throw it away when she's not looking and tell her you ate them. (Ok, that's bad advice but i've been guilty of doing that to my sister)

Does she know she needs to lose weight? For me, I needed an incentive. It took my exhusband to show he was embarrassed of me, and he did not introduce me to his friend we ran into at a festival. I was mortified. But that's all I needed. In the end, I came to find out that he was disgusted by me. I gained 130 lbs while we were together. However, I am now back to my highschool weight, at age 30 thank you very much, and in a new relationship with a man that makes me feel special.

And you are right. We do tend to move towards those who share the same interests. But she's your wife. You love her, you say weight isn't an issue, but you've got to find a way to make her understand that this is affecting you and your relationship. Start small, like I said, don't enable her unhealthy eating. Ask her to go for a walk with you because you want to hold her hand and watch the sunset. You know, that kind of stuff. A friend of mine bought his wife a pair a shorts 2 sizes too small on purpose as an indirect way of telling her something, yeah, they got divorced. It wasn't because of that, it was because he cheated on her. She quickly turned to food and just gained more weight.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:08 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkinouille View Post
I don't know what to tell you in regards to the first 5 paragraphs... but I will say that if you are buying all the junk food for her then you are *enabling* her. It really isn't fair of you to do that - for her or yourself. Just something to think about.
If I don't buy it for her, she'll get it herself. Now if she were housebound, it would be different. If I refuse to get it when she asks, she'll ask why not, and I could say something tactful like "you don't need it," at which point there would be icy silence from her for a period of time - not something anyone in a relationship enjoys.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:14 PM   #6
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Chris, it will get worse before it gets better, and you need to face that. I would not buy junk food. I would say "Neither one of us needs it, and it's unhealthy, so if you want to buy it, fine, but I won't." She may get ticked off for a few days, but so what? You cannot tiptoe around this forever.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:17 PM   #7
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Hm, sounds like you needed to vent? Odd that you would choose a forum called 3 Fat Chicks to do it in. How did you think folks here would respond? Most of us identify more with your wife than with you.

I really don't like you feeding her sweets because "she likes them" and then complaining about her size. The least you could do is stop handing her junk food like you think it's OK. She probably has convinced herself that you don't mind her size since you keep bringing her that stuff.

If I were you, I'd figure out all the ways in which you love her and why you married her. No one stays the same forever physically, so I hope you can find something more in your relationship. If not, then be honest. It will not be easy, but it's better than sidestepping the issue indefinitely.

Good luck!
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:18 PM   #8
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Quote:
If I don't buy it for her, she'll get it herself.
SO? Then let her get it herself.

Quote:
Now if she were housebound, it would be different. If I refuse to get it when she asks, she'll ask why not, and I could say something tactful like "you don't need it," at which point there would be icy silence from her for a period of time - not something anyone in a relationship enjoys.
You don't have to say it that way. You can say, "I'm not going by the store on my way home". OR "I forgot my wallet". If there is a will, there is a way to not hurt her feelings. She'll get the message.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:20 PM   #9
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OK, I'll jump in. First, I think you might be a bit surprised at the reaction you get around here. But, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and accept that you're really worried about your wife's health (and not just your love life or the fact that you're now with someone who doesn't "pair up" with you).


Quote:
At this point I continue to buy her her favorite strawberry-swirl ice cream, her M&Ms, her Little Debbie snack cakes, her McDonalds fast food, etc, because I know she enjoys them. If she gains a hundred pounds, well, I don't have any control over that and I can't change her. If she ever does decide to go on a diet, of course I'll encourage her all I can. But I hope she understands that becoming obese carries its own consequences, many of which are more unpleasant than merely being hungry.
My husband used to do the same thing, but it really was a passive aggressive, easy way of "making me happy". (It makes me way happier to go on a walk and spend time with him than to sit and eat ice cream by myself.)

Don't buy the junk. If she asks why you didn't buy it, why not try, "I don't want to be tempted to eat it. We should both try to be a little healthier. How about a walk after dinner?"

If you take an accusatory tone with me, I'm not going to listen (or speak to you). But, if your approach includes the both of us, you'll have my interest.

I'm not saying your wife's weight issue is your fault, but I don't think blaming her entirely is the solution either.

BTW, if she buys the junk herself, you really can't do much about it. But, as a current (and soon to be former!) fattie, I can tell you, it is not a pleasant experience to waddle up to the counter to buy junk food. I don't think she'll do it as often as you think.

Good luck to you both!
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:20 PM   #10
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telling her "you don't need it" is not tactful LOL sorry....a tactful way to put it would be to talk more of yourself, for instance "i feel bad when i buy you unhealthy foods and i can't keep doing that"

you sound angry over the less-frequent "having fun" and like you want her to suffer that as a consequence for gaining weight...at some point, i think you will need to be tactfully honest about how it's affecting your relationship with her or this will continue to be a downward spiral
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:21 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JayEll View Post
Hm, sounds like you needed to vent? Odd that you would choose a forum called 3 Fat Chicks to do it in. How did you think folks here would respond? Most of us identify more with your wife than with you.

I really don't like you feeding her sweets because "she likes them" and then complaining about her size. The least you could do is stop handing her junk food like you think it's OK. She probably has convinced herself that you don't mind her size since you keep bringing her that stuff.

If I were you, I'd figure out all the ways in which you love her and why you married her. No one stays the same forever physically, so I hope you can find something more in your relationship. If not, then be honest. It will not be easy, but it's better than sidestepping the issue indefinitely.

Good luck!
Jay
EXACTLY JAY! I couldn't have said it better. So true.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:25 PM   #12
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If you can't talk to your wife about how her weight gain is affecting you, then you two have a communication issue. Yes, she's going to feel hurt by it. But you're feeling hurt as well and it's not going to get better. You're just going to get more and more resentful. You might see if you can find a counselor who will help you figure out how to talk to her about it or would have a safe place for the both of you to go where you can be supported in this conversation.

I won't even address why she's chosing to eat the way that she's eating, but you can stop buying the stuff for her. You know that. You can stop participating in things that enable that sort of eating. You can also stop talking about how great you're doing with your weight loss. It might feel kinda "in your face" to her.

Keep telling her how much you love her and why. If you're not feeling a compliment on how she looks, don't make one up. Be genuine in your love for her.

I slowly gained 170 lbs over the course of my marriage of 26 years. It did affect my marriage. I wasn't ready to let go of overeating because it served a purpose. It made me feel safe and not invisible. I also had issues with having been molested as a child, and later suffered emotional abuse. When I worked through a lot of my history and started to feel stronger and whole, I stopped overeating and started losing weight by eating very healthfully and exercising. I lost a lot, but it was too late to keep X from making really stupid life-choices. X was very cruel, covertly, and couldn't communicate to me at all about what was going on. He's since moved on to a new wife who is very much the opposite of me, tiny, submissive and unable to communicate in English. And I am much happier without his secret resentments and even more secretive behaviors that do NOT make for a happy marriage.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:32 PM   #13
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i'm not stupid and i'm not blind and I KNOW when i'm gaining weight LOL!...and, yes, sometimes DH will let me know that i'm gaining a little bit of weight...granted, i haven't gained as much as 60-80 pounds during our 8-year relationship, not even when i was pregnant, but my holiday baking usually catches up to me after the holidays...DH will let me know respectfully and tactfully that i'm putting on a little weight and, yes, it's somewhat hurtful but I ALREADY KNOW that anyhow...and then i usually work to get those pounds back off...i've maintained at about 205-210 for years and now i'm ready to work at losing more weight
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:33 PM   #14
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This post really hit home for me...I'm the overweight wife in this senerio. Not Chris's (I don't think but a chubby wife non the less. I know my husband feels the same way and I know that my weight is the reason our love life is lacking to say the least.
I'm trying...starting to run (or walk until I can run more). Counting calories, etc. BUT my question is this....

Say I get back down to 130 (the day we met weight) from my current 190, how do I overcome the hurt from knowing that my husband didn't/doesn't want me at 190? Part of me says "I'll lose all the weight and then find someone that's attracted to me and doesn't know I was fat"...I know it's stupid but its hard not to want to "punish" my hubs for not liking me thick or thin....
I'm just the type of person that HATES to admit when I was wrong...Isn't losing the weight and then becoming more "loving" just admiting that he was right and I was this awful beast not worth loving?
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:43 PM   #15
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I don't know your relationship with your wife, but it sounds like you're torn between your needs and her emotional happiness. I think that's okay- sex IS a part of a relationship and if it's a need that you have then it's okay to "want" what you really want. You want a healthy wife, and that's okay (I don't like that others are insinuating you're just a sex-crazed heartless guy)

I would honestly approach her very gently and let her know how much you love her and how much you appreciate her. But you need to tell her that you're concerned about her HEALTH, not about her weight/appearance/jean size. Tell her how much you want her around so you can spend your lives together, how much her health matters to your children/or future kids if that's in the plans. Let her know that you love and support her no matter what, but that if the roles were reversed, you would want her to step in and help you out of this cycle too.

Most importantly, she needs to know that you love her no matter what. She needs to FEEL that you will support her no matter what. Sex... that will come and go, and if you indicate that it's "her" fault for you not wanting to have sex, that will bring you down a long and nasty path of distrust.

If you want to help your wife get healthier, you need to jump in and TELL HER how you feel, gently and with kind, good intentions. Also, you need to stop enabling her bad habits. Help her make better ones! Instead of fast food, recommend a recipe so-and-so shared with you and you really want to try it with her. Or let her know that it would mean a lot to you to have her come to the gym with you. Walk with her on the treadmills, or even better, outside. Share this whole journey with her and let her know how much it would mean to you if she will become a part of it and take her health back!

Do this all with kindness and love... and it will reignite your sex life before she even loses 10 pounds. Because I can tell, this is not solely about her weight/appearance, but her behavior and addiction to food, which is something you're not included in. Good luck to you.
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