Squishy Lee you touched on a great point! I too relate to Chris's wife, but thankfully my husband didn't feel the same way as Chris does. When we got married I weighed less than 110 lbs, and within 5 years I had gotten up to 195. (!!) Admittedly while we were dating and the first few years of marriage, I found security and confidence in being the 'more attractive' of the two of us. So when I started to gain, I lost that and was scared of how my husband would view me, scared of finding out some of his love for me may have been based on my looks. Now I'm not saying he was blind to my weight gain, I definitely noticed the compliments I used to get I no longer heard... no more, "You look so hot!" or "You look so great in that outfit!" Because frankly, I was NOT hot and didn't look great in any outfits. To tell me so would have been a lie. But our love life never suffered- well that's not true, it DID suffer, but only b/c I felt disgusting and had no confidence or desire to be seen naked. But I never felt one ounce less loved or cherished by my husband. Now that I'm losing the weight, (and I will lose it all!), that will always be with me and I'll always feel an even deeper love for my husband b/c of it. (When I'm back to the thin woman he married, he will be hugely rewarded. lol.) Chris, you might be saying, "You can't help what you do/don't find attractive", but this is your wife we are talking about here! I don't know if you have kids, but let me tell you even when I was thin my 9 month pregnant body was not exactly desirable! Luckily my husband thought differently, but what would you do then? Also I'm going to assume that you don't find elderly women attractive, but one day your wife will be one, probably with saggy skin and boobs down to her belly button! What is your plan for then? I think you need to start concentrating on your love and bond with your wife when it comes to the bedroom, not just how she doesn't measure up physically.
As far as enabling, so far you've gotten lots of great advice on how to say no without being hurtful. Say, "We don't need that crap, and I'm afraid I'll eat it if I'm around it." Or, "Let's get something healthier and eat together, then go for a walk. I want to spend some quality time with you doing something productive."
I'm also wondering if deep down your wife DOES know that your love life is suffereing b/c of her weight. She just doesn't want to bring it up b/c it's embarrassing and it hurts. Who knows, maybe that's part of why she's eating crap. All you can do is make her feel loved WHILE trying to encourage her to be healthy. In the meantime really try to make an effort in the bedroom to see her as the woman you love and not just a body. To me married sex is so much more than the physical. My husband has never been really overweight, but he's had some weight fluctuations that have left him with a bit of a jelly belly that wasn't sexy in the least. It never affected our love life b/c there is more to our intimacy than looking good for each other. Until your wife is ready to change, all you can do is be supportive and try to strengthen your bond with each other.
I agree with PacSunMama. I also don't think you are some kind of sex crazed shallow person who wants a perfect wife. But I know I would be super sad if my husband told me he doesn't want to have sex because I gained weight. No matter how you sugarcoat it.. But maybe if you try to do things together. Walks, healthy lunches, whatever.. Thats how I try with my boyfriend. But he's still having pancakes for dinner..
I don't think it is right to flame the OP for his feelings. Why should he stop buying her the foods she wants? Why should he be the one to get the silent treatment for days because he's trying to be honest with her. If she's not ready to lose the weight, she's not ready. It doesn't make his feelings any less valid.
I like you fine and respect your honesty.
I didn't intend my post as a flame; I don't flame here. This isn't the forum for that. It should feel like a safe place to talk for everyone, even those with whom I disagree vehemently. If I were to flame the guy, he'd know he got singed.
He shouldn't get the silent treatment for days, I agree. And yes, he is absolutely within his rights to have feelings, even if those feelings aren't always sweet and kind and loving; we all have our ungracious and even ugly moments. His wife gets her share of the responsibility for any friction, just as is almost always the case with any discord. It IS tough to watch someone change so drastically that he or she becomes almost unrecognizable, and it's worse when any attempt to discuss that results in cold rage.
But I respectfully disagree that he should continue to buy her the foods she likes if he resents her weight gain. Would I buy a loved one a drink because he enjoyed them, then bemoan the fact that he's an alcoholic and say "Oh, I just can't stand it when he's drunk?" Should I give my cat a toy that squeaks, then complain that the sound is driving me up a wall?
He needs to stop tacitly condoning her behavior while explicitly punishing her for it. He can't have it both ways, on the one hand stuffing her with her favorite foods and on the other reviling her fat.
I think my biggest issue and the thing that said "troll" to me was the fact that he so clearly does revile her. "Oozing resentment" was the phrase another poster used, I think, and it's accurate. He assumes that she "just doesn't care" about her appearance. He can't think of a single kind thing to say about her physical appearance--not even about her skin or her eyes or her hair or other things that don't change much with weight gain, nothing at all. He appears to assume that the reason she should lose weight is to meet his sexual needs, not to become healthier or more confident for her own sake.
I don't know, all that stuff plus the feeding just rubbed me very much the wrong way and I do still suspect some trollery.
Straight up: I don't have much sympathy for you, but I think JayEll and Nola Celeste had the best advice given your situation.
I couldn't disagree more with all your rampant generalizations, but you might legitimately have a problem with your situation, and so...
First. Stop enabling your wife. If she wants to eat things that you don't want to eat, then she's an adult and can buy them for herself. My own husband eats a lot of tortilla chips that I don't want. He buys them on his own. He's a big boy, and can decide for himself.
Second. Learn some tact. If you have a problem, there are clear, but gentle ways to bring it to someone's attention.
Third. Couples Counseling. Seriously. It can be handy for lots of situations.
Best of luck to both you and your wife during this time.
Oh shucks, I don't know, but I just hate post like these...from men, who are grossed out by their fat wives. Maybe it is because I was super-morbidly obese at one time, and my husband had to have issues with me. I mean...how could he not? I was a porker. I was fat and disgusting, and I'm sure even the plain old fat girls looked good to him at some point. The funny thing is, even when we lose weight, there are still problems...next it will be the loose skin, or the saggy boobs...there will always be flaws to complain about. ugh.
The funny thing is, even when we lose weight, there are still problems...next it will be the loose skin, or the saggy boobs...there will always be flaws to complain about. ugh.
And this matters so much because we're all partnered with GQ models with washboard abs and full heads of hair.
Oh shucks, I don't know, but I just hate post like these...from men, who are grossed out by their fat wives. Maybe it is because I was super-morbidly obese at one time, and my husband had to have issues with me. I mean...how could he not? I was a porker. I was fat and disgusting, and I'm sure even the plain old fat girls looked good to him at some point. The funny thing is, even when we lose weight, there are still problems...next it will be the loose skin, or the saggy boobs...there will always be flaws to complain about. ugh.
My husband met me when I weighed 125ish pounds and he's seen me reach pretty close to double that. Posts like the OP's are uncomfortable for me for the same reason: I see too much of myself in the guy's wife, and it puts my back up to think that my husband may have felt this way about me at my biggest.
Then I take a deep breath and realize that it couldn't have been the case. Oh, I know he probably remembered being able to pick me up and carry me or going to places that required some walking and not having to wait for me to catch my breath. But at my absolute biggest, he never made me feel as though I "just didn't care" about myself or that I turned him off completely--not even if, in his heart of hearts, he wasn't as physically aroused at the sight of 230-pound me as he was at 130-pound me.
He never forced me to know that about him, and I love him for that.
Now that I'm losing weight and feeling more energetic, I'm paying him back for his sensitivity to me. He deserves some serious praise for that, and when I read posts like this, I realize just how lucky I am. Don't know what I'd have done if the guy had treated me like every gained pound was done expressly to tick him off like the OP's wife is getting.
I actually feel pretty bad for you. Honestly, I think a lot of people have misinterpreted the point you are trying to make. I understand exactly what you are saying. You adore your wife. You feel bad that she's continually gaining weight and don't want to see her develop health problems associated with the gain. However, when it comes down to it... PHYSICAL attraction is directly related to visual stimulus for men. Yes, yes there are emotions that come into play as well but generally speaking, men are much more visual creatures than women (hence the popularity of porn.) Not all men are that way but this poster has specifically stated it is that way for him. I don't know how anyone expects him to change what is a physical turn on for him. He stated he cares about her health, loves her to death but is having a hard time being attracted to her with the weight gain.
That being said, I think you need to be honest with her. As another poster stated, who cares if she's mad at you for a little while? I'm not saying be rude or blunt. I mean have a very heart felt conversation. Sit her down and really pour your heart out about how worried you are. I *personally* would want someone to do this to me and as a matter of fact, I wish someone HAD. I might not be where I am today at 70 lbs overweight if someone had intervened. Treat her like a princess; maybe the reason she's eating the way she is has something to do with how she's feeling. Sounds like you need to communicate more as well. Prompt her to open up to you about things that are bothering her. Be a shoulder for her to cry on. Pick up her favorite flowers on your way home one day. Send her a random text telling her how amazing she is. I can tell you, my boyfriend is a stickler for doing this type of thing and I love it. Like others have said, get her to go for a walk with you. Ask her to help you cook a healthy meal to eat together and you want her company. There are ways to go about this without hurting her feelings too badly. Think like a woman basically.
I liked pacsun's response. This is a tricky situation.
Have you ever watched the discovery health channel show on the super obese called Heavy? These people are usually abusive shut ins with an enabler. Yeah. I said abusive. Manipulating another to do what you want for you by "punishing" with the silent treatment or yelling and such.
It must be very difficult to be in love with someone who won't see their own problem, or at least sees the problem but wants to keep that problem.
My bf is heavier than I'd like. Luckily, he still has amazing muscles, they're just covered with inches of fat, mostly in his belly, and I am so so so attracted to him. Yes, his weight gain has effected our love life. There are certain positions that aren't as satisfying as they were 25 lbs ago. He only prefers the less physically active position. Which, luckily, is still extremely satisfying to me.
The problem is, I want it more than he does.
So when I compare your situation to mine, I think there is a deeper issue. Maybe you don't want sex as much with her not so much because of the physical attraction part, but maybe her behavior towards you is the problem.
Forget about getting her to exercise. Perhaps it's time to consider marriage therapy. just a couple of sessions may be all you need.
Either way, not that you indicated this in any way, but please NEVER go "elsewhere" for sex. If you don't survive this bump in the road, it's far worse to be labeled an adulterer than it is to be labeled a fit guy who was suffering from lack of attraction to his wife.
Another thing to consider: How would you feel if she rejected you if you became disabled? In a way, huge weight gain is like a disability. She must feel hurt.
Is it just me, or does anyone else catch the acrid scent of a troll's breath here?
Why are you calling me a troll?
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On the off chance that you really are a guy who just can't understand how his wife could get so fat on the junk food he buys her and who appears to think that her weight changes are important only as they relate to his degree of arousal, I'll answer as helpfully as I can manage.
Wow - you are really reading into my words what's not there. Very "helpful" post there.
I never said that her weight changes are important only as far as my "degree of arousal" goes. Please don't put words in my mouth and misrepresent me. You make me out to be some kind of self-centered, sex-hungry pig. I'm concerned with her weight in more ways than merely our love life (like her health, for example, which I also mentioned in the post, which you must have missed). It's only on one aspect of her weight gain that I wanted to post on.
I actually feel pretty bad for you. Honestly, I think a lot of people have misinterpreted the point you are trying to make. I understand exactly what you are saying. You adore your wife. You feel bad that she's continually gaining weight and don't want to see her develop health problems associated with the gain. However, when it comes down to it... PHYSICAL attraction is directly related to visual stimulus for men. Yes, yes there are emotions that come into play as well but generally speaking, men are much more visual creatures than women (hence the popularity of porn.) Not all men are that way but this poster has specifically stated it is that way for him. I don't know how anyone expects him to change what is a physical turn on for him. He stated he cares about her health, loves her to death but is having a hard time being attracted to her with the weight gain.
That being said, I think you need to be honest with her. As another poster stated, who cares if she's mad at you for a little while? I'm not saying be rude or blunt. I mean have a very heart felt conversation. Sit her down and really pour your heart out about how worried you are. I *personally* would want someone to do this to me and as a matter of fact, I wish someone HAD. I might not be where I am today at 70 lbs overweight if someone had intervened. Treat her like a princess; maybe the reason she's eating the way she is has something to do with how she's feeling. Sounds like you need to communicate more as well. Prompt her to open up to you about things that are bothering her. Be a shoulder for her to cry on. Pick up her favorite flowers on your way home one day. Send her a random text telling her how amazing she is. I can tell you, my boyfriend is a stickler for doing this type of thing and I love it. Like others have said, get her to go for a walk with you. Ask her to help you cook a healthy meal to eat together and you want her company. There are ways to go about this without hurting her feelings too badly. Think like a woman basically.
I agree with LadyWraith. I understand a lot of women are hurt by your thread but I also think some people may be projecting their anger. The reality is this - many men AND women may lose sexual interest in a spouse with a large weight gain. An unfortunate fact. The question is, what can he do to reconcile his feelings and hers?
Chris, I think you got a lot of positive feedback and responses and advice from the various people here...the big issue I see is the junk food buying, as from what everyone else says. I think this is the first positive change you could do. My husband had high cholesterol, and while we've always rocked it in the bedroom, I was scared I'd lose him. He's at goal weight now, once in awhile he'll have bacon or something high in cholesterol, but he gets it himself--I never buy these things.
Have you ever watched the discovery health channel show on the super obese called Heavy? These people are usually abusive shut ins with an enabler. Yeah. I said abusive. Manipulating another to do what you want for you by "punishing" with the silent treatment or yelling and such.
You bring up some interesting points. Yes, I've watched the show Heavy. I loved to watch it, mainly because I see people who are very motivated and who work hard to get to their goals. They really motivate me to do well, also.
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So when I compare your situation to mine, I think there is a deeper issue. Maybe you don't want sex as much with her not so much because of the physical attraction part, but maybe her behavior towards you is the problem.
Actually, her behavior is exemplary toward me and I love sex. But the heavier she gets, the less I desire it. Sometimes women forget how visual men are. I think sometimes women tend to want to read between the lines and look for answers that are right there in front of them.
So can you love someone and be angry with them? Sure. So, I find myself angry with her while I still love her. We were both very active and weight conscious when we married not that long back, and I find myself now angry with her that she seems to love food more than she loves me (this is what my emotions are telling me). She knows how displeasing being obese is to me, yet I see her as in effect saying, "Yes, I know you don't like me being heavy, but I don't care - I'm going to eat anyway." So I get angry. No doubt there's a flaw in this line of thinking, but if I were talking to a psychologist, that's what I'd tell him.
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Another thing to consider: How would you feel if she rejected you if you became disabled? In a way, huge weight gain is like a disability. She must feel hurt.
Well, you're comparing apples with oranges. Being disabled, like getting old and wrinkled, is something out of our control and something I would never hold against her. Weight gain is not a disability. Because so many people in this country are obese, it's become trendy to call being overweight a "disability" in order to not offend 60% of the adult population. If I'm paralyzed in a car wreck, it's a tragedy and something I can't help. If I become obese because I overeat, I willfully got myself there and I can also reverse it if I choose.
You have to realize that for years I wouldn't buy her junk food, though I never criticized what she bought. I occasionally buy treats for the kids, and she'll just eat that, or else buy her own and stash it away. I finally reached a point that I realized that she was going to eat what she wanted whether I bought it or not. It's not like I've been going to McDonalds for her every day, because I haven't. Just the opposite, in fact. I had thought that once she saw that she had put on yet another twenty or so pounds, she'd come to her senses, but it hasn't seemed to have fazed her. Whether I go out and buy her Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream or not doesn't seem to have any impact on her weight gain.
I don't really expect any rabbits our of hats here. I guess I'm just venting. Like I hear so many women say, they're not really looking for a solution when they want to talk; they just want someone to listen.
lol.) Chris, you might be saying, "You can't help what you do/don't find attractive", but this is your wife we are talking about here! I don't know if you have kids, but let me tell you even when I was thin my 9 month pregnant body was not exactly desirable! Luckily my husband thought differently, but what would you do then? Also I'm going to assume that you don't find elderly women attractive, but one day your wife will be one, probably with saggy skin and boobs down to her belly button! What is your plan for then? I think you need to start concentrating on your love and bond with your wife when it comes to the bedroom, not just how she doesn't measure up physically.
It never affected our love life b/c there is more to our intimacy than looking good for each other. Until your wife is ready to change, all you can do is be supportive and try to strengthen your bond with each other.
