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06-27-2011, 05:46 PM
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#16
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~Kim~
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Cleveland, TN
Posts: 1,332
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My husband used to enable me a LOT. I'd get a craving, I'd send him out for it. He knew I wanted to lose weight, and everytime I fell off the wagon and wanted a treat he felt like he was enabling me by getting it for me. We got into a few really big fights because he finally told me that he wasn't going to do that anymore. I was mad at him during the time, but looking back it was worth it. Not that it makes any sense, but I think I felt less guilty eating it when someone else went and got it for me.
We don't know if your wife actually has any desire to lose weight, but if she does then in the long run not enabling her can go a long way and she may even thank you for it someday. I agree with everyone else. The first thing you need to do is take yourself out of the equation that you obviously don't even want to be a part of. If you're not willing to do that, then you really don't have anything to complain about.
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06-27-2011, 05:47 PM
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#17
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Le geek, c'est chic
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Metairie, LA
Posts: 1,213
S/C/G: 232/see ticker/150ish
Height: 5'2" and change
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Is it just me, or does anyone else catch the acrid scent of a troll's breath here?
On the off chance that you really are a guy who just can't understand how his wife could get so fat on the junk food he buys her and who appears to think that her weight changes are important only as they relate to his degree of arousal, I'll answer as helpfully as I can manage.
- Stop buying the junk. Neither of you needs it. Why have it in the house if it presents a temptation to her and doesn't do you any good? Yes, she might buy it herself. Yes, you might be inconvenienced at not having your favorite snack foods in the house. But it'll mean that you are no longer directly and demonstrably part of the problem.
- Broaden your horizons--literally. Okay, I get that a 100-pound weight gain is going to change how people interact romantically and how a partner perceives the person who's gained. What I don't get is that you literally have nothing kind to say to her, according to your post, except for token compliments to her clothing--never her body, heavens no. She doesn't have beautiful hair? She doesn't have a knockout smile? She doesn't have pretty hands to kiss or feet to massage? She doesn't feel good? She doesn't smell good? There are literally no praiseworthy aspects of her now that she's gained weight? That tells me you think appearance is the only thing that matters, and that's an awfully narrow way to live life. Look for different types of beauty in her; one day you'll both be old and wrinkly, so you'd better have some practice looking beyond your wife's lack of a Barbie body and stop being disappointed that real life can't be Photoshopped.
- People treat others as they want to be treated. If she's complimenting you (by the way, that word takes an "i," not an "e," unless you're trying to say she completes you), it's probably because she feels the lack of your compliments acutely. Fix that. Yeah, you might have to look past your own preferences a little, but try it. No, it won't help her lose weight so she can more closely resemble your ideas of how she should look, but it will make her happy--and making your spouse happy is always a good thing. Just think of how nice you feel when she says all those kind things to you!
- Rephrase your comments. Just about any of us--including you--would be wounded irrevocably by being told outright that we were no longer attractive enough to be worthy of our spouse's physical affection. There's no nice way to say that. But if you both work toward getting healthier, then you can open a dialogue with her about your concerns in that arena. How she looks may affect YOU more, but how she feels should affect both of you--and that should be something you two can talk about without rancor. You have to really mean it, though; don't use the "I'm concerned for your health" talk as a means to induce her to fit into a bikini better for your own sake.
- Don't assume she doesn't care how she looks. A lot of people who are plenty fat are also quite appearance-conscious, and not in the negative sense. If she takes care of her appearance in other ways--nice clothes, hair fixed, nails neat, smelling sweet--it would be downright bizarre to say she "doesn't care how she looks." She may not care that she's fat, but "fat" and "ugly" are not synonyms any more than "thin" and "beautiful" are; one look at Olive Oyl proves the lie of that statement.
As much as your post riled me (c'mon, you posted on a site called 3 Fat Chicks about how your wife's weight affects your libido?), I do feel for partners who are dealing with major changes in their spouse's appearance. Someone who thinks big bodies are especially sexy might be similarly distressed to find their partner losing weight. Someone might lose a body part to injury or illness. Someone might go bald or gray. And we all get older and droopier. It's tough to cope with those changes. I get it.
But it seems that you have done virtually nothing to help her aside from make a couple of mean-spirited comments that you'd feel friskier if she felt lighter and talk about your own fitness in hopes that you'd inspire her. This is a problem that you both need to work on, so maybe it's time for some counseling--for both of you if possible, just for you if she's unwilling or if you're too fearful to ask her.
I still suspect this thread of being a big hairy warty troll-fest, by the way. I find it interesting that you listed all those foods so specifically. Closet feeder, perhaps?
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06-27-2011, 05:48 PM
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#18
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Davis, Ca
Posts: 23,149
S/C/G: 204/114/120
Height: 5'
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Sounds to me that you might have a bit of a control issue here. Look at your own actions and need to control your wifes diet. That is her business as to what she wants to do. Stop buying junk food, your actions must be very confusing to your wife.
.
Last edited by bargoo; 06-27-2011 at 05:51 PM.
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06-27-2011, 05:48 PM
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#19
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SereneCalorieCounter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ontario, CANADA
Posts: 141
S/C/G: 180/138/142
Height: 5'6"
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I think you need to be honest with your wife about how you feel about her as an intimate partner. You could do this the next time she hints about getting close or you could ask her to sit down at some point for a serious talk.
What you are describing is a major issue for couples. Her over-eating can be viewed as an addiction, which you are currently enabling by buying her fattening foods. Given that marriage involves fidelity to one's partner and men require an a attractive partner to get physically interested, what you are both doing is creating a very bad situation.
Sounds like you are unhappy but don't want to upset your wife. Instead you are continuing to supply the very things that contribute to the problem. It won't be pretty or pleasant, but you need to be open about how you feel. She can react however she is going to react, but once you have laid out your position, things won't be the same ever again. Either she will feel motivated to work on her weight, or she will withdraw and continue to eat junk. Then you have a decision to make: live like siblings or move on.
And again, STOP buying her her fattening treats. You are part of the problem.
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06-27-2011, 05:54 PM
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#20
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~Kim~
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Cleveland, TN
Posts: 1,332
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Also wanted to add, Thank God my husband loves me and is attracted to me no matter what weight!
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06-27-2011, 06:08 PM
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#21
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Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,350
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You're the second "husband"/"partner" who's shown up here in recent days with a fat wife post.
Is there a link to 3FC on some men's or *-stirring forum?
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06-27-2011, 06:10 PM
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#22
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Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 874
S/C/G: 268/181/160
Height: 5'6
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I am also a chubby wife in a scenario that is similar to this. No, my husband wasn't mean or rude or excessive in voicing his opinions, or really, worries. Before we got married, he knew I was prone to gaining weight, and did voice his worries then. He did talk to me about it, but honestly, it didn't matter. I was going to be overweight no matter what he said, because I wasn't ready. He enabled me, which I don't think you should do if it bothers you, and didn't have particularly healthy habits so for a long while, I thought, why should he get to sit on his a$$ while I am working mine off every day?? And when I was doing it because I thought it would make him happier, I failed. Now, I am a lot more successful in my endeavors because I am ready for me and me alone. I am sure that my marriage will reap the benefits, but I cannot tell you enough that if you pressure her before her 'aha' moment comes, she will not only resent you but will not do any better in her weight loss efforts for more than a few weeks/months. I am not being pessimistic, but motivation comes from within. Now, I am doing so much better. This time, I know I am not going to be a big wife in a year from now, in years from now. But, you married her, and if you choose to stay married to her, the best you can really do is love her, support her, don't buy her junk food (just say you don't want to be tempted, even if she buys it herself, you don't have to do it), and suggest maybe you should do more physical activities together and spend more time together. I know I ate a lot to cope with my loneliness. The first year of my marriage was the loneliest I have ever been in my life because of all of my self loathing and the fact that hubby played computer for 10-18 hours a day, most nights not even bothering to come to bed. And, if you choose to accept her unconditionally, that also means that if her 'aha' moment never comes, you have to love her anyway and choose to live without more sex if you honestly can't bring yourself to be with her intimately. I sympathize with you, but I have seen the other side of the coin and believe me it is just as hard if not harder living with yourself when you know you've got to change but aren't ready. I am happy that I do have a husband that has decided to love me through thick and thin even though I know he would worry less about my well being if I were a healthier weight. He is now starting to do more physical activity and is joining the navy in Sept., so he is going to be training to be in basic which is physically demanding. One of my main encouragements was that, I didn't want to be inactive while he was working so hard. When your spouse has your back and really undergoes your journey with you, it usually yields amazing results.
Last edited by fatferretfanatic; 06-27-2011 at 06:17 PM.
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06-27-2011, 06:13 PM
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#23
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Lifelong Alaskan!
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Juneau, Alaska
Posts: 2,669
S/C/G: 230/180/150
Height: 5'5"
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MariaMaria
You're the second "husband"/"partner" who's shown up here in recent days with a fat wife post.
Is there a link to 3FC on some men's or *-stirring forum?
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LMAO!!
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06-27-2011, 06:19 PM
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#24
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Melissa
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,367
Height: 5'6.5"
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I could be the wife in this scenario too - even the weight gain. And honestly, I totally get it. But with being the wife, I also can imagine how she feels. She feels SCARED. She knows the weight is an issue, but until she is ready to tackle it, she is stuck. She probably doesn't feel she can do it and is scared that she is going to lose you in the midst of it.
I have so been there. I have a wonderful husband who, like you, loved me at whatever size, but was worried about the weight, discouraged by my eating and our sex life started to disappear. He never,ever said it was my weight because it was so much more than the weight as I'm sure it is with you too.
Honestly, there is nothing my husband could have said or done that would have worked to get me to want to lose the weight. Ok, I don't know if he had given me an ultimatum how that would have worked, but he didn't want to LEAVE me, he just wasn't as happy as he wanted to be.
I'm sure you would even find that if she just got more active and started show more care in her appearance and healthy eating, you would find your attraction returning. There's something sexy about a person taking care of themselves.
My guess is your wife is hurting. And I know you are hurting. And I'm sorry for both of you. I don't have words of wisdom, but I get it from both sides.
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06-27-2011, 06:20 PM
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#25
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Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 29
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I relate to a lot of this, as the wife. It's true that when it's you, you KNOW you are fat, you KNOW you shouldn't eat those things. But, no one can make you want it but you.
Now, there are ways to help make her want it. My husband loves me no matter what, and I know that. But the day he said to me, "You are the love of my life. I want to grow old with you, and I'm concerned that if we don't both make some changes, we won't be able to do that" was a real wake up call. Now we are eating healthy together, and I haven't felt judged by him for a single day. Maybe try an approach like that?
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06-27-2011, 06:20 PM
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#26
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onedayatatimer
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 3,277
S/C/G: 224/ticker/145-155
Height: 5'9.5"
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I can sense a great deal of resentment oozing out of your post. As someone who has struggled with weight for my entire adult life, I can tell you that it's not a pleasant thing. Nobody actually enjoys it. I can also tell you that as much as I like the taste of certain foods, I mainly use it to numb certain unpleasant feelings. So, what is going on with your wife? Why do you think she overeats? If you can figure that out, I think you can be a huge support for her. If you truly love one another and have a deep connection mentally, then she can eventually open up to you and that is where you can find the road to progress.
I think being concerned about a partner's health doesn't have anything to do with physical beauty...or at least it doesn't have to. If you act concerned about her health (not weight) and tell her you want her to be around for a long time and insist that she go to the doctor to have a physical...I think she will start to see you more as a partner and a support, rather than someone who makes her insecure.
There's a lot more I can say about this, but I'll leave it at this since you already got a lot of advice.
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06-27-2011, 06:21 PM
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#27
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Melbourne, FL
Posts: 212
S/C/G: 215/144/125
Height: 5'5"
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For some reason, I don't think he is a troll. I'll probably not be liked by some for what I have to say, but...
When my hubby and I got together, I was chubby and he was skinny (me- a little over 200/him 140 soaking wet). After losing some weight, then gaining some weight (kids), a year ago I was a few pounds over where I started when we got together. He has gained about 50 pounds and I am down 81.
Like the OP, I buy my husband the bad foods. It just works out easier that I go do the grocery shopping while he stays home with the kids. If I don't buy him the bad foods, we'll be back at the grocery store getting them anyway. When I first started my journey, he did too. He lost 10 pounds then fell off the wagon. I have suggested he get back on it, but he doesn't want to and has made it very clear that my comments piss him off. I no longer make them. Any of them. It is his body and if/when he is ready to lose weight, I'll be there to support him. Does it sometimes upset me that he's 50 pounds heavier than when we got together? Yup. Does it sometimes upset me that he will devour pizza, cookies, chips, etc WHILE I am doing my 30 day shred or EA Active in the same room? Yup. Am I still attracted to him even though he has gained the weight? Yup. It doesn't mean that I DON'T want him to lose it, though.
I don't think it is right to flame the OP for his feelings. Why should he stop buying her the foods she wants? Why should he be the one to get the silent treatment for days because he's trying to be honest with her. If she's not ready to lose the weight, she's not ready. It doesn't make his feelings any less valid.
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06-27-2011, 06:21 PM
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#28
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Melissa
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 6,367
Height: 5'6.5"
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BodyByButter
I relate to a lot of this, as the wife. It's true that when it's you, you KNOW you are fat, you KNOW you shouldn't eat those things. But, no one can make you want it but you.
Now, there are ways to help make her want it. My husband loves me no matter what, and I know that. But the day he said to me, "You are the love of my life. I want to grow old with you, and I'm concerned that if we don't both make some changes, we won't be able to do that" was a real wake up call. Now we are eating healthy together, and I haven't felt judged by him for a single day. Maybe try an approach like that?
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My husband said this too. It didn't change things for me (at the time) but I didn't get angry at him because I could see how this affected him as much as it affected me.
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06-27-2011, 06:25 PM
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#29
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Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 29
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Melissa, I just read your blog. I think you and I have a lot in common!
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06-27-2011, 06:26 PM
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#30
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~Krystal~
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Not So Southern Belle
Posts: 1,695
S/C/G: ~175/Too Much/~~ABS
Height: 5'3.5"
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I've been on both sides of this fence--as the "getting heavier spouse" & now married to the "getting heavier spouse".
It sucks both ways.
I TOTALLY empathize with you.
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