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Now I really hate myself....

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Old 06-01-2011, 09:09 AM   #1
Move over Kim Kardashian!
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Default Now I really hate myself....

Itís at these times that I really start to hate myself.
Not that I am a negative person, not in any way actually.
I am just really upset at myself that I let myself get to this point.

I never shouldíve let myself get to 160lb, 170lb, 180lb, 190lb, 200lb, much less get to 214.8 without even realizing it.
I never shouldíve eaten everything people eat when theyíre just part of the lucky few that donít gain anything.

The reason Iím ranting right now is because itís summer. Itís hot. And all the pretty skinny girls are out in their shorts and tank tops and I have to wear long sleeves or long pants again. For another summer in a row. Why? Because my self-esteem is so low, that even ĺ pants as I am wearing today make me feel uncomfortable.

I keep feeling like everyone is staring at me.
I lost 20lb since the start of my journey, and at 194 I donít feel like I have had any progress really.

I work out, I eat properly, and yet I still feel like ****.
Especially when your fiancťís eyes keep wandering to the skinny girlís legs and bum

You know I had promised myself this would never happen again. I had promised myself it would be my turn to wear shorts and tank tops, and yet I still can't do that. And it burns me inside to know that I failed myself again.

Why is it so easy to gain the weight and so hard to lose it?
Why do I feel like everyone is staring at me all the time?

At least Iím lucky God gave me a beautiful face, because had I been ugly too Iíd probably want to cry all the time.

How do you girls do it? Not to give up? Not to let it get to you?
What has proven to be the best way for you to lose the weight?

I need all the tips I can get here .
Goal Weight:

One cheerleader for every 5lb lost!

No Ice Cream!! Shrinking!! Ride a bike!! TAKE MY PIC!!GOALL!!!!
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Old 06-01-2011, 09:21 AM   #2
I'm a princess.True story
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Awww poor thing

I think that it's useless to focus on ''why I let myself got here in the first place''. It's okay to know what happened and realized the fact to not go back there one day, but now, you really need to focus on the future and on the amazing progress you've made. Come on, you already lost 20 pounds!!! That is amazing and you're on the good way!!!

The thing is that you should be on this weight loss journey for YOURSELF. Because YOU want to feel better and healthier. NOT for the people that might look at you, not even for your boyfriend. your healthy should be the priority, not what other people might want to look and not want to look.

Be strong xoxo
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Old 06-01-2011, 09:38 AM   #3
Move over Kim Kardashian!
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Thank you Turbo *hugs* you're completely right.
I just had a bad morning and I guess 20lb is something to be proud of.

It's just a small bump in the road I guess, I'll be back up in no time!
Goal Weight:

One cheerleader for every 5lb lost!

No Ice Cream!! Shrinking!! Ride a bike!! TAKE MY PIC!!GOALL!!!!
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Old 06-01-2011, 09:55 AM   #4
If you wanna Rock It . .
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Darn rights 20 is something to be proud of . . so is taking the steps to say ya know what, i'm not letting this go any farther, it stops now.

Good for you! You can do this, and keep that positive attitude, it'll be a huge asset to you through the journey
Live real, live hope.
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Old 06-01-2011, 09:59 AM   #5
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I felt the same way soon after I started. I thought "If I had started earlier I would be able to enjoy the summer more." But then I realized that another summer will come, and then I'll be where I want to be. The time passes either way. Plus, I'm looking forward to being a healthier me for the fall. Summer will be here again soon enough.

Hope that helps.
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Old 06-01-2011, 10:13 AM   #6
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And if you feel people might be staring - it could be because you are overdressed for the season? I don't know WHY women think wearing long shirts and pants make them look better. It just makes them look HOT. My mother in law does the same thing. It was 97 degrees yesterday and she was wearing long sleeves and long pants because she doesn't like her arms showing or her legs. She weighs 169 pounds! Yes, I was staring aghast because she looks ridiculous dressed for winter when it's summer!

Nothing screams CONFIDENCE than a woman who walks and dresses with confidence. I still weigh 205 pounds and I proudly wear shorts and sleeveless tops and guess what? People say I looke great! I don't, but I'm not cowering inside my skin. That lack of confidence takes away from your own beauty and how others view you. It's so true!

Restart 5/18/15 began at 263.9. All time high was 275 in 7/03. Low in Summer 2012 of 169.
A for the first 50 pounds lost, plus a for every additional 5 pounds lost on the weight loss reboot:

My journey to a healthier lifestyle blog http://melissaslife42.blogspot.com/
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Old 06-01-2011, 10:47 AM   #7
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I am 237 pounds and honey, you couldn't catch me in summer wearing long sleeves!I know it can be hard on a person, wishing they could look cute in short shorts and bikinis and things-but you know, you'll get there. I don't look great in them, but you know what? Who cares? I'm going to be happy and comfortable no matter what. I work hard to be happy about myself, and you should too. 20 pounds is a great accomplishment. At my very highest I was 273, and I'm a long ways away from that now. You have made significant strides, so try to be comfy with yourself.

"The only journey is the journey within."
Rainer Maria Rilke
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Old 06-01-2011, 10:49 AM   #8
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Most people never even manage to lose 20 lbs. How many people have you seen start a diet, only to give up entirely 2-3 days later? 20 lbs is a huge accomplishment in this day and age. You deserve to feel awesome about yourself.

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Old 06-01-2011, 11:11 AM   #9
Wastin' Away Again!
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Originally Posted by fatferretfanatic View Post
I'm going to be happy and comfortable no matter what. I work hard to be happy about myself, and you should too. 20 pounds is a great accomplishment.

...You have made significant strides, so try to be comfy with yourself.

Comfort before vanity! - that's my motto!

I still try to dress appropriately for my weight, but be dammed if I'm gonna wear long sleeves in the heat of summer! Nuh-uh! No way! It's one thing to be fat, but to be fat AND sweaty? Ack!

And super double woo-hoo yay for your 20 lbs down! YOU CAN DO THIS!!

You CAN have ANYTHING you want,
but you CAN'T have EVERYTHING you want!
~my mama!
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Old 06-01-2011, 11:33 AM   #10
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There isn't much to say that has not already been said but 20 lbs is worth being proud of. You have a body, but you are more than just a body, you have worth, and can allow yourself to feel good. Having bad feelings about yourself does nothing but breed more bad. Allow yourself to be comfortable if you can, really its true I think its odd to see winter wear in summer! Its hot out and the sun is shinning! So don't deprive yourself of the same summer joys, because YOU think you shouldn't its not fair to you. I wear tank tops and you can from my ticker the I am not a thin girl, so what i'm working on it and so are you! You keep up the good work and start loving yourself!

Vegetarian, counting calories. Loving Amazing Grace <3
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Old 06-01-2011, 11:53 AM   #11
I will never give up.
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I'll agree with pretty much everything that has been said.

You have lost 20 POUNDS! That is two 10 lb bowling balls off your body! That's 80 STICKS OF BUTTER! You are already an awesomely strong person for doing that!!

Self-confidence is easier said than done. I've pretty much wallowed in self-loathing at every weight from 90 lbs to 160. I've dealt with eating disorders off and on for 10 years, and overall I've discovered that affirming yourself, even if you feel like you're lying to yourself, helps me. Eventually you WILL believe the positive things you tell yourself, just like you started believing the negative things.

Rewarding myself with non-food stuff has been the best thing I have done to aid my weight loss. Why not treat yourself to some summery clothes (clearance racks are your best friend during weight loss) when you hit your next goal of 190?

My boyfriend looks at other, thinner women as well and it drives me insane... a lot of times I don't think he realizes he is doing it. I deal with it by joking with him about how obvious he is being. He usually gets the hint and knocks it off. It also helps to mention to him that it makes you uncomfortable to see him looking at other women, if you haven't made him aware of it. If he respects you, he'll make an effort to stop. Remember, though... your fiance asked YOU to marry him! At the end of the night, no matter what he looks at, he's going home with YOU!

Just don't give up. Don't let the negative voice in the back of your head get the best of you. Stay active here, if it helps... You have a whole bunch of chicks here rooting for you!

(PS, sorry for the novel... I am really wordy...)
Making a change for life.

Last edited by bama girl : 06-01-2011 at 11:54 AM.
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Old 06-01-2011, 12:36 PM   #12
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How about a compromise? Try some bermuda shorts and a short sleeved top. I was never comfortable in a tank top when I was heavier, but there are more conservative options where you won't be burning up! There are also nice sundress options that are more conservative that you could wear around. I agree with berryblondeboys that people might be noticing you are dressed for Alaskan winters when it is sweltering.

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Old 06-01-2011, 01:30 PM   #13
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So what if you don't look like a model in your tank tops?
You can at least wear them like one: proud and confident.

Belly rolls and floppy arms aren't the end of the world. And be sure most people do not give a damn and those who do have nothing better to do which is sadder than extra fat.

If what bothers you is the lack of admiration then just keep going and you'll get there. But rarely one admirers the shy person with the lack of confidense, no matter the weight. You have to work on your mindset.
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Old 06-01-2011, 02:11 PM   #14
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Do you hate every woman your size or larger? Would you walk up to one of those ladies and tell her you hate her, that she's ugly, that she has to wear winter clothes in the summer, that she should be ashamed for forcing her appearance on decent folk?

I sure hope your answer is no, and if it is - why on earth would you treat yourself with less respect than you'd give anyone else?

Hate should be reserved for evil. If you wouldn't hate a person in your situation, you shouldn't hate yourself for it either. In fact, you should reprimand yourself for being so cruel to yourself. Stand up for yourself, even TO yourself.

You deserve respect, not only from others but most especially from YOU.

For all the things a person can hate themselves for, eating isn't one of them (unless you're eating people).

Are you kicking puppies? Smacking babies? Drowning kittens for the fun of it?

You're creating a world in your head that isn't reality. A world where you don't have a right to be comfortable because you carry a few extra pounds. A world were being fat is a worse crime than deliberately hurting people (or even just not helping them - if you said you hated yourself because you haven't been working on a solution to world hunger it would still be silly, but would make more sense than hating yourself for being overweight).

Give yourself the break you would give to someone else in your situation. Treating yourself worse than you would your worst enemy does absolutely nothing for you or for the world. It doesn't make the world a better place, and you're creating a world for yourself that is literally a ****. You're choosing to damn yourself to living **** for being imperfect. If you wouldn't wish that on anyone else, stop wishing it on yourself.

I've struggled with weight all my life, and I've been morbidly obese most of it. I don't deserve hatred from anyone - even myself. I've done a lot of amazing things, despite my weight. And it was hard, especially at first because I thought everyone was staring at me, hating me, thinking I was obnoxious and disgusting and beneath contempt (because I thought so too), but I wanted a life more than I believed the lies I'd been telling myself, and I learned that most people don't give a rat's pattoot about me. They're wrapped up in their own heads.

A few years ago I bought a bike. I weighed about 350 or 360 lbs at the time. It was an impulse buy, and our neighborhood was so quiet, I didn't think "people watching me" would be a problem. When people say "you never forget how to ride a bike," they're full of crap. I looked like a ginormous 5 year old trying to ride that bike. And people did stare. It's not every day you see a ginormous woman trying to relearn how to ride a bike.

In hindsight, I'm kind of surprised no one laughed. They had to be really working at that.

As I got the hang of it and started riding around the neighborhood, my face was bright pink (and not just from exertion). I was sure that everyone inside of their homes were looking out the windows staring at me, and laughing (if they were I never saw it). But I remembered what I told probation and counseling clients "act as if." So I pretended I was confident, and I smiled and waved at the staring neighbors (and they smiled and waved back).

Eventually I got comfortable on the bike, and realized no one cared that a ridiculously fat woman was riding the neighborhood on a bike, like some weird circus act.

Rotten people don't matter. And they're the only ones who will care whether or not you wear a tank top and shorts. Rotten people are evil, and letting rotten people win, is evil.

You don't have to radically change who you are - you don't have to be comfortable in a tank top and tiny shorts in public, there's a huge social taboo against it. It's more acceptable to have a shaved head and dozens of piercings than to be a woman with flabby arms in a tank top. Seems kind of funny when you think about.

By our current culture's values, I'm a lot more confident and self-liking than a woman my size has any right to be, but it was hard-earned. I had to stand up to myself and tell myself to stop being a bully. I had to defend the part of me that the other part of me was bulling.

I had two personalities inside my head - the bully and the victim. I had to create a third personality to be parent/teacher/referee/arbitrator.

The bully still sometimes wins, but rarely completely. The bully won't let me wear tank tops and real shorts. The arbitrator suggested a compromise - capri pants (at first barely showing a little ankle - woo hoo daring of me) and 3/4 sleeves tops - as long as possible. I'm now brave enough to wear calf-length capris. I'm really daring today, my capris barely cover my knees (the bully still insists that I keep my knees covered). Tank tops and cap sleeves are still too daring for the bully, but short sleeves are ok. I'm even starting to consider a tank with a little short sleeve shrug - or tops with sleeves, but a little bit of bare shoulder, or the new cold-shoulder t-s with cutouts at the shoulder.
My Etsy shop (currently closed for the summer)

etsy link by permission from 3fc! Want to add yours? Ask them!

Last edited by kaplods : 06-01-2011 at 02:44 PM.
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Old 06-01-2011, 02:18 PM   #15
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/copypaste what Kaplods said.
~Made of star stuff~
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