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Old 05-15-2011, 02:14 PM   #1
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Default New Here: Feel Like I'm Dying

Hi Everyone,

I am 23 and weigh 243 lbs last time I checked. I have a 20 month old daughter. Before her I weighed around 171lbs. I've never been the small girl--but now I just feel like my life is over.

Every night I go to sleep thinking I am going to make a change. I am going to get out and walk. I am going to take my daughter to the park. I only meet these goals 20 percent of the time. The other 80 percent of the time I hardly want to be seen.

I feel like I am dying inside. My breasts are very large and prevent me from exercising (J-L cup) and my back hurts. I just want to be able to love my body and even if I lose this weight I realize I am still not going to love it any more than I used to because I will probably have loose skin and my stomach, which used to be perfect and the one thing I liked about myself is gone.

I can't talk to anyone about this because it is embarrassing. I feel shallow and pathetic but being overweight has taken so much of my life away and I once thought losing the weight would be a remedy but I am going to be stuck with a body I, as a student, cannot afford to fix.

I feel like I wont have a chance to date or get married if things should not work out with my daughter's father. I feel perpetually alone. If I did not have to take care of her I don't know if I'd be here anymore.

I can't cope with the fact that I am going to be and feel inadequate for the rest of my life. I won't be able to have sex and actually enjoy it. Go to the beach and actually focus on swimming and not everyone laughing at me. Wear clothes that I enjoy or anything.

I just feel so bad. I stay awake crying about how inadequate I feel and I've even removed myself from friends I had prior to having my daughter because of my weight. I haven't updated my facebook with pictures of myself since shes been born. I feel like I have to isolate myself because I am embarrassed.

I don't feel like myself anymore and I hardly have the will to keep going on. I joined this site when I thought I was going to get up and lose weight--but it seems like it is futile either way so what is the point?

I don't know what else to say other than I feel like I am estranged from anything I once cared about and I just don't know what to do.
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Old 05-15-2011, 02:29 PM   #2
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You have mada start by coming here. Keep posting you will find some people who can relate to your story here. You can turn your life around and be a healthy Mom for your daughter.
Goal 12/21/2007

Last edited by bargoo; 05-15-2011 at 03:44 PM.
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Old 05-15-2011, 02:36 PM   #3
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I'm not sure about your height but I went from 175lbs prepregnancy and delivered and 240lbs so I can really relate to your experience. I also was up to something like a J cup size! It was horrible and I remember going through a lot of thoughts that you dealing with right now.

I was frustrated too because I was still nursing DD (she nursed until a little over 2) and I didn't wanted to drastically cut calories or eat certain foods because of that.

I started with running, we got a jogging stroller and I slapped on a sports bra (that was way too small for me) and an under-wire bra over it. After about a month or two of that I started working on my diet. I cut out sugar completely and that's how I started dropping weight.

It's been a slow process but I've lost a good amount even if I still do have a ways to go. It sounds like you could also be dealing with depression too so it might be worth it to talk to your doctor about that.

Good luck!

Starting Measurements (B/W/H): about 51/40/46, 240 lbs Goal Reached Pre-Pregnancy: 39/29.5/38, 156lbs Current: about 43/34/42
Started at 240
Onederland 199 (Jan 6, 2010, exactly 2 years after my previous due date!)
Overweight BMI 185 (Aug 3, 2011, one year after joining 3FC!)
Pre-pregnancy weight 175 (Oct 18, 2011)
Called Goal 156

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Old 05-15-2011, 03:16 PM   #4
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Oh Primary, I wish you could jump inside my brain for a few minutes to see how things can be on the other side for you. I, too, isolated myself from family and friends. Only time I allowed myself to see the daylight was driving to and from work. I spent my vacation time sitting alone in my house with just my tv shows and my food. But when I made the decision to lose weight I never looked back and I have never felt happier. Emotional and physical weight went hand and hand with me.

I am glad you are here and I hope that reading these message boards will give you the wisdom and encouragement to make that first step to being healthier and happier.

Hugs to you honey.

1/4/15: Restarting my journey exactly 4 years from when I first started in January 2011. Reached my goal weight in 2012 and regained half of it back.

I never should have left 3FC!
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Old 05-15-2011, 04:10 PM   #5
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I agree with the above commenters. I would add that you are still quite young, meaning your skin is still elastic. Don't worry about skin sag, etc. right now. There are lots of toning and conditioning exercises that can help, but honestly your body is still young enough to deal well with the weight loss and not look like droopy dog.

Hang in there!!
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Old 05-15-2011, 04:19 PM   #6
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I wear an underwire bra with a tight sports bra over it. Set goals you know you can make. Force yourself to make your goals. When you reach that goal, or task it will motivate you for your next goal.

I can relate to feeling isolated and "well tomorrow I will go to the gym" Start today, start now. Tomorrow will never come. Make mild adjustments in your lifestyle, don't jump in completely feet first.

I hit the gym 5-6 times a week, however it wasn't always like this. I count my calories and have changed my eating habits and again, it wasn't always like this. When I started, I went to the gym once a week. I changed ONE thing in my eating habit. As time has gone on, I have incorportated more into my routine so that way this is my new lifestyle and not some "diet" or short lived thing.

As for saggy skin, I thought after I had my son I would never again show my stomach because of my stretch marks, you know what, they are fading. I nkow they won't disappear, but they are fading. I also noticed as I lose weight, the less they appear to be there. I thought I had like a hamburger belly, and now, I could care less! I am happy with what transformations my body is going through, well minus the fact that I have absolutely NO butt

Good luck with your goals. There are SEVERAL women on here with very similar stories and goals. This site keeps me motivated, even though I have only been here a short duration.
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Old 05-15-2011, 04:52 PM   #7
Embracing the suck
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I can't relate to your emotions so I'll leave that to others. I can give you advice.

Some people would suggest small changes you can live with are the way to go. I would argue that small changes will give small results.

I suggest massive change. It's a lot easier than you think. Just stop eating junk food completely for 30 days. Don't worry about exercise. Just go on a short walk and every day make it a little longer. Don't start tomorrow. Start now. Go throw away any junk food in your house. Juice is junk food btw even if it is 100% juice. Toss it along with whatever other candy, chips, cookies, and other assorted high calorie low nutrient garbage we all used to have stocking our shelves.
"Getting solid information is easier than ever. Getting misinformation is even easier." - Kaplods

Maintaining for two years and I eat whatever I want - just not however much I want. Details here.
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:18 PM   #8
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Your thoughs are normal, but they're just thoughts, they're not reality. It sounds like you may be depressed (because even being humongously fat as I am, even at weights twice as high as I've ever been, life does not have to be as hopeless as you're seeing it right now).

Originally Posted by Primary Colors Rule View Post
Hi Everyone,
Every night I go to sleep thinking I am going to make a change. I am going to get out and walk. I am going to take my daughter to the park. I only meet these goals 20 percent of the time.
That 20% already puts you ahead of most people. You need to know this, because you're seeing failure where success is standing. Reward that 20%.

I've lost 90 lbs on far less than 20% success. I STILL don't succeed 20% of the time, but I've learned I don't have to. I don't have to be perfect (or even a specific percentage of perfect), I just have to do better. When I do better, I get better - and every single improvement is worth it.

I'm still hugely fat. I may always be hugely fat, but my life is monumentally better than it was 90 lbs ago. I first started noticing important improvements after my first 30 lbs. I'm not willing to go back, so even if I never lose another pound, I'm not willing to backslide, because my life is better now and I want it to keep being better. I don't have to be perfect to deserve a good life. And to have a good life, I have to make it good.

You can make your life good too. It doesn't have to be perfect to be good, and every little, tiny scrap of happiness is worth holding onto. You can do this, but it does take more than hope.

If you have no hope, you're dealing with depression and have to deal with that. Weight loss can help, but doesn't cure depression. If you're dealing with actual depression, you have to deal with that before, or at least as you try to lose weight.

You also have to be less hard on yourself. Know that most people fail at this. That doesn't mean success isn't possible. The only reason most people fail, is because we have this cultural mindset that there are two options where weight loss is concerned "strictly, perfectly on a weight loss plan" or entirely off-plan. We're taught that there is no middle-ground - if you can't do it "right" then don't do it at all. That's nonsense, and when you stop believing it, there's never any reason to not keep trying.

When we see slow or small success as failure, we stop trying because we think "what's the use." Most people don't quit because they ARE failing, but because they feel like they're failing, because their success hasn't been everything they've dreamed (and we're taught to dream bigger than reality can ever deliver).

I feel like I am dying inside. My breasts are very large and prevent me from exercising (J-L cup) and my back hurts. I just want to be able to love my body and even if I lose this weight I realize I am still not going to love it any more than I used to because I will probably have loose skin and my stomach, which used to be perfect and the one thing I liked about myself is gone.

Your body doesn't have to be perfect to love it (or for others to love it either). If that were true, 99% of the population would be unloved and unloveable.

You may not be ready to get in the water, but water excercise would be ideal for you. Which is why I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE that our culture convinces women that their bodies must be perfect to deserve the privelege of swimming. It's a big lie. You're entitled to enjoy yourself and enjoy your body and what it can do at any size. I was very lucky to have a passion for the water as long as I can remember, so as hard as it was to get in the water (at times, especially when I was younger and cared more about what other people thought, the walk to the water could feel like a deathmarch) I was too in love with the water to let it stop me. Yes it was frightening, and it took a lot of courage, but it required less and less courage each time, until I truly did feel that no one could stop me.

I don't know if that's possible for you, at this point - but it's definitely possible to work up to. If you find an activity that's physically comfortable and fun, don't let **** itself stop you from having that fun.

There is a lot more to you to like than your body (I like you already, and I can't see your body).

I can't talk to anyone about this because it is embarrassing.
It's embarassing because you think you're alone. You're not. Fat = hopelessness and worthlessness, is a cultural value. A lot of people believe it (and it doesn't make it true). There are at least hundreds of thousands of women who feel exactly as you do, and sadly, thousands of them aren't even overweight. Many of them look perfect to everyone but themselves.

Practice talking about it here at 3FC, you'll find many of us understand, many of us have been there (or still are) and many of us have conquered that embarassment and the fear it causes.

For me, the support of women who do know how I feel is very important, and I get that through 3FC and my TOPS group (taking off pounds sensibly). TOPS is sort of like a non-profit Weight Watchers, but it's tons cheaper (there's a $26 joining fee, which includes a montly motivational magazine, and my monthly dues are $5 - and there are ways to win back some of my money with various contests).

I feel like I wont have a chance to date or get married if things should not work out with my daughter's father. I feel perpetually alone.
I really believe this is depression talking, but if you really believe it, I can tell you it's bull****. Fat does not have to equal alone. I've always been fat (since kindergarten anyway, with a few years close to normal in high school) and I've dated better men than my thin, beautiful sisters and friends - because I KNEW I deserved it, and any man I dated had to know it to.

If you think you're wonderful, men will too (so start finding something about yourself to like besides physicality).

I met my amazing husband at nearly my highest weight (restaurant dates added about 20 lbs), and married him at my absolutely highest weight. We are both fat in our wedding pictures, but we're also gorgeous because our happiness shows through. Happiness trumps all other forms of beauty.

Happiness attracts people too. Even though my husband is also very fat, he is so fun and charismatic that there are always younger, thinner, prettier women trying to take him away from me (some bold enough to attempt it in front of my face, thinking I'm no competition). I'm not afraid of the competition, because I know I have those women beat where it counts. I'm the one he loves, and it's not because I'm beautiful - but he sees me as beautiful because he loves me (love also trumps physical beauty).

I can't cope with the fact that I am going to be and feel inadequate for the rest of my life. I won't be able to have sex and actually enjoy it. Go to the beach and actually focus on swimming and not everyone laughing at me. Wear clothes that I enjoy or anything.
You are not inadequate. Not now, not at a higher weight, not at a lower weight. You could have six eyes, and twelve legs and you would not be inadequate. You can enjoy sex at any size (many 500 lb women do). You can learn to enjoy swimming and to nmot focus on anyone laughing at you.

You can enjoy life at any size, and that you're not getting any enjoyment from life sounds very much like depression. It doesn't sound like you're getting any enjoyment from life right now, and that's not natural even for someone weighing 600 lbs. If you're getting no enjoyment in life, not even from the smallest pleasures, that's clinical depression not any external issue like your weight.

It isn't fun to be overweight, but if you're experiencing almost no pleasure, that's not the weight talking, that's something else (possibly clinical depression).

I urge you to get help for the depression. Weight alone shouldn't be holding you back this much. It doesn't have to hold you back this much.

I wish you the best, because you deserve it.
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:29 PM   #9
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Hi and welcome! You have received some wonderful advice from some caring people. I know things seem dark and bleak right now, but there is always hope. You have found a great place for support and knowledge. Stick around, read a lot, post on days that go well, post on days that you struggle.
"And that's how Beowulf rolls"~ my DD
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Old 05-15-2011, 06:03 PM   #10
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To add to midwife's comment: post on days you don't struggle as well. You'll build a wonderful support group and get continuous reinforcement.
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Old 05-15-2011, 06:09 PM   #11
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Hi! I would like to echo that you've gotten great advice here. I'm praying things turn around for you. Please continue to come here and share with us. A lot of people have been where you are.

Ultimate Goal = 160
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Old 05-15-2011, 06:17 PM   #12
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I just wanted to say I completely understand. Sometimes it feels like you don't even know where to start!

I only started about a month ago. I am 222 but I was 231 before I started. The first week I decided no more sodas, so I drank water with lemon- A LOT of water with lemon. And an iced tea at night or w/e I felt like having one. That was it. I started with that. And after a week, I put on a VERY tight shirt in my arms and noticed my arms weren't dying in that shirt anymore. Mind you, I drank 3-4 cokes a day sometimes less. Always about 10 cokes a week which is quite a bit. And, drinking water helped too. Then I started exercising. I used to hate it. Now, I look forward to it. It makes me feel better.

Even though I am still 222 I lost some pounds, even one pound is a start! And not to say I don't curse out the instructor I watch on my computer or completely feel like I am going to die sometimes when exercising. But, knowing I accomplished it. Knowing I've actually stuck to it for about a month. I am so proud of me!

And you will be too! We all start somewhere. Like the guy said small things = small results. There is nothing wrong with that though, once you see a small result you'll be thinking $%^& I can do this! And, you'll start doing more.

It took a small result for me to start a month ago, and about 3 weeks in working out now I do it at least 5 days a week. And, let me tell you 9 pounds may not sound like much, but there is nothing compared to someone saying wow, you're face looks a little thinner you been working out? WHY yes I have!

You can do it. If you want it, start somewhere- anywhere and you'll do it!
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Old 05-15-2011, 06:41 PM   #13
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If you take the weight off now, you probably won't have to worry so much about loose skin because you weren't this size for THAT long. I was at my heaviest, 267, I'm now 170 and am usually around 165, I do have a small amount of loose skin, but nothing major and I have been overweight my whole life AND I'm not at goal yet. I've heard that usually when people still have tons of loose skin, that's because they still have lots of fat hanging in that skin, when they really do lose all of the weight they need to lose, there's no more fat hanging in that skin, the skin snaps back. I mean, look at biggest loser, they don't ALWAYS get surgery, and they don't always need it.
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Old 05-15-2011, 06:48 PM   #14
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Big hug to you! We know what you're talking about and what you feel like.

A number of people have commented that you might be depressed. That may be. It also sounds like you might be doing something called catastrophizing. That is, because of how you're feeling, everything is a catastrophe. It's hard to make changes when you're feeling like that. I hope you can see how maybe your perceptions of the world aren't necessarily reality for other people (e.g., people with sagging skin fall in love and get married). If so, ask yourself why you would be any different! In other words, don't make your fat so negative that it takes away your life!!

Being fat isn't necessarily fun. But it's also not a death sentence and doesn't mean your life is over. What's even better is that if you aren't happy being fat (and I think that's why most of us are here), then there are lots of things you can do to change it.

But I hope you can see that you are a worthwhile person, no matter what you weigh!

My 5 C's of healthy living: Commitment to conscious control, with the understanding that choices have consequences
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Old 05-15-2011, 10:03 PM   #15
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Hey PCR, sorry you're feeling so low.

I think everybody else here is pretty much on target with their advice, although you don't need to start big to get big results (although if you can do that and sustain it, that's great). You can start small and build up as you're able. Lots of people do. The trick is to keep at it, do what you can, and keep pushing yourself a little bit more.

You wrote that you're worried that even if you do lose the weight, you don't think your body will be one that you'll enjoy living in, because you're a student who won't be able to afford cosmetic surgery and because you may have scarring or loose skin. You won't be a student forever (right?), and at 23 your skin probably still has a lot of elasticity. But even if neither of those was the case, there's no reason that you couldn't have a perfectly happy and productive life. There's a really good thread on here where some people who've made their goals have written about how it feels to be thin after having been overweight. One of the recurring themes of the thread (as I remember it) is that even though their bodies still may not be perfect, the benefits of losing weight have been worth the challenge of weight loss. I think it may be worth reading, to give you a more realistic idea of what life after significant weight loss might be.


1 banana/5 lbs. lost:
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