I am absolutely exhausted mentally. I just binged tonight.*I just wanna mention that i'm on maintenance and lost 20 pounds to get here- so no, i wasn't overly overweight. By bmi standards, i just crossed into overweight for my height. Also, this has nothing to do with losing weight anymore or actual numbers on the scale.
I had NEVER dealt with emotional eatong before and never even knew what it meant. Never knew what binge eating was. Completely oblivious to the fact that people dealt with this. It wasn't until i got to my goal weight and started to educate myself on health and fitness that i started to develop the problem - go figure eh? The problem started several months ago and to cut a long story short, i have found that i am an emotional eater - binger. Stress definitely triggers me.
I am mentally exhausted and in tears from dealing with this. I need to know that it gets easier and it can get under control somehow. How do i overcome this. I am defeated mentally. So, so exhausted.
I was feeling fantastic today. I looked at myself in thr mirror and thought that my body looked the best it's ever been and just felt gorgeous. Why then, did i just binge an enormous amount and do this to myself? I'm talking several thousand calories that i almost feel the need tp throw up because i am that uncomfortable and sick. Why do i hurt myself like this? Why have i not learned my lesson? The day after is so incredibly hard to deal with, and i only have myself to blame.
I am stressed with things in my life - but life will always haveits ups and downs. I can'tkeep hurting myself like this. I am so heartbroken with myself tonight. I just need to hear that it CAN happen where it's not a struggle everyday. I truly can't even believe that it's me going through this, but here i am, in tears, and struggling.
Thank you for reading. Honestly.
Last edited by LAKERSKB24; 03-30-2011 at 01:25 AM.
I want to let you know I read this and I do feel for you. All I can say is that you realize that your binge is not in line with behaviors you want to cultivate in order to get/keep yourself at a healthy place and that's all you can ask for right now! What is done is done and you have every opportunity later tonight, tomorrow, the next day, and beyond to make different choices. It's understandable to be upset with yourself, but don't let it overshadow the incredible progress you've made so far, and the progress you *will* make. We've all been there and those who are further along in their journey often remind us that things like tonight happen and that doesn't mean the future is any less bright
there is another area, the 'chicks in control' section that has lots of chicks of all sizes and stages of weight loss dealing with the SAME issues. lots of info, lots of support, and lots of encouragement.
i do the same thing... tonight i was successful in avoiding a binge (due to a really stupid mistake at work), but there have been days when i've eaten entire bags of chips to avoid dealing with whatever was bothering me. things will start looking up when you realize one slip isn't gonna undo your work (lookit me, saying to you what i couldn't say to myself earlier because i skipped my workout and felt all my few pounds lost were gonna come back).
Thank you both so much for the words and support. It's been an extremely long and hard night for me and i just hope to come out of it a little bit wiser and stronger.
Whatever you do, please forgive yourself and don't beat yourself up over it. Stay off the scale for a while if you need to - at this point you know what constitutes a healthy day of eating, so why drill bad numbers into your head?
There is no logical answer to the question of "why?" when it comes to emotional eating and binging. Perhaps you're exhausted from the cycle of dieting/losing/restricting/thinking too much about weight loss?
You are definitely right krampus. It is an exhausting cycle. I guess i'm also so confused at WHEN this all started happening - after i hit my gaol, after my confidence sky rocketed and i feel truly beautiful. I never once dealt with this when losing weight or when i was a little heavier. So, the timing confuses me so much. Why am i doing this and hurting myself emotionally this way now? It was literally hours ago that i looked at myself and truly felt beautiful. Nothing in particular happened afterwards, but i clearly lost control, and lost control very badly.
It's so difficult to deal with. Even more difficult to know that a wild 20 minute binge will take me weeks to recover from, both mentally and with all the bloated and terribly uncomfortable feeling.
I've been lurking here for a while and know this board is very supportive, so, thank you again, at a time where i had no where else to turn to.
If this whole binge/emotional eating thing is new for you, is it possible that you over-restricted yourself to lose the small amount of weight you needed to? Can you tell us what your plan was to lose?
You know when i lost weight, i really didn't have a plan or go on a "diet". I knew i just ate too much chocolate and processed foods. I simply cut down on that and exercised. I NEVER obsessed with the scale, never really cared to weigh myself, i didn't even know what calorie counting was..never did that either. It was all just cutting out the junk that i knew i was eating. Never once in my journey of losing weight did i get down on myself - and i mean that - not once.
It was AFTER i got to my goal and really loved my body and new found confidence that i went and really started reading about other people's weight loss journey, started reading about calories. It was after my own weight loss that i found sparkpeople. Soon after, i started calorie counting - when i was in maintenance! When i was doing abslolutely fine before that! It got obsessive.
Even more later, i got hooked on the scale. Thankfully, i'm completely over that now. So, the binging just started afterwards. I remember the first few times i did it - i had NO idea what was happening or what i was doing, i had no idea it had a name. It was almost scary for me.
I then finally read about it and realized whatbi was doing had a name. It took months to finally click that i did it when i was stressed...something i never did before..and now, here i am... 6 months after the firstbepisode and i have no idea how to get myself out of it.
I sometimes wonder if it was all worth it. All i wanted was to tone up and lose a little weight. I didn't want all these emotional issues attached to it. That's why this is so difficult for me and i wonder if the weight loss and trying to "get healthy" was worth all this.
It's the morning after and i look a good 7 months pregnant whereas i looked great yesterday. I don't know where to go from here again, as i'm just so exhausted from battling the same issue over and over again.
Thank you guys so incredibly much for letting me vent.
It's the morning after and i look a good 7 months pregnant whereas i looked great yesterday.
First off, I want to remind you that you are probably bloated but I'm sure you don't look 7 months pregnant! What you're seeing is likely an extension of the issues you're dealing with on the binging front. I'm sure you look as fabulous as before.
It sounds to me you're worried about gaining the weight and losing your increased confidence that you're creating so much stress it's making you into an emotional eater which is causing you to binge! It's almost a self fulfilling prophecy. So, try stop stressing about every morsel you put in your mouth! I know it's easier said than done. But, you didn't have to do that to lose the weight and you shouldn't have to do it to keep it off. There are those of us that cannot lose weight without knowing every itsy bitsy drop of everything on our plates. It sounds like you have been better int he past at listening to your body, when are you full, when are you hungry?
I agree with Krampus, take a break from the scale, don't worry about gaining, losing or maintaining for a while. Zone in on reinforcing the healthy eating habits that you've had in place all along so your body can remember how it feels when its fed appropriate amounts of good food.
Emotional eating is never an easy or fun thing to deal with but try to limit your stress about it so it doesn't become an endless cycle. Best of luck and lots of hugs.
This is kind of trading one evil for another. But in the past when I feel like im about to binge, I will go clothes shopping (even if it has to be the goodwill if my funds are low). Trying on clothes and buying clothes reminds me why I dont want to overeat, and can sometimes help me to avoid a binge.
Like everyone else said, don't stress it too much. Your binge was yesterday and today is a new day. If you continue to beat yourself up over it, it will just cause you to binge again, and then again.
Since you have already identified stress as the trigger, it sounds like you need to find an activity other than eating that will provide relaxation when you are stressed. For me, that is an intense physical workout. For some people, it's a hot bath with bubble bath and candles.
This is a very unusual clinical pattern, I think. And I'm assuming you never had binge behavior before you lost the weight, right? It's really fascinating, actually.
Also....do you know or recall what the emotion was that initiated the binge? Anxiety? Depression? Angry? Or was it boredom? Or hunger?
I know that for instance, teen girls will get interested in and participate in anorexia/bulimia behaviors in order to lose a few pounds and to keep up with their peers. But certain ones will get addicted to the behavior.....when they might not have come to that point, had they never heard of it or participated in it. It's very complex....about control, etc. From what I've read, there also seems to be this huge element of feeling extremely uncomfortable if they swallow anything and want to get it out....to the point where eating ANYTHING causes them severe anxiety.
And for a person, let's say a teen, who goes to a party, tries heroin, and then continues to do it and becomes addicted......when presumably, they would not have become a heroin addict in the first place had they never tried it. MANY opiate addicts started when they received pain meds for surgery, injury, etc......but never had an interest in it prior to that.
Of course, there has to be something underlying these behaviors....if the teen girl had never heard of anorexia/bulimia.....would she have found some other sort of negative/addicting behavior of some other sort?
I'm trying to think of what would be responsible for this binging....since you did not participate in that behavior before you lost the weight...right? Did you ever binge before losing the 20 lbs.?
You almost seem to be indicating that by reading this forum...over time....and reading about so many describing binging behavior....you began to suddenly participate.....almost just like the anorexia/bulimia and heroin examples. As if had you never become interested in dieting and calorie counting, this might have been a behavior you might never have participated in before and you'd never had any prior interest at all.
Generally speaking, people with binging issues (and weight issues) have had them, to some degree, throughout their lives. A teen girl who discovered bulimia might start binging when she's discovered that she can eat without gaining weight (by getting rid of it).......but why would she have wanted to do it in the first place? Most of the time, this behavior is preceded by anorexia, deprivation (of food), hunger.....which could explain the suddenly developed obsession with binging, once she learns about bulimia
My personal theory on binging (not saying I'm right, of course)...is that the biggest component is physiological, rather than psychological/emotional. Not that there is not an emotional component, but I don't think it factors in as much as the physiological. Those of us who did really low-carbing to lose our weight, realized we suddenly had no more cravings and binges. And I don't have problems with these behaviors.....until and unless I start eating simple carbs/sweets/sugar. Then I'm off to the races.
Is there any component of this in your case? That after calorie counting and reaching goal, you've suddenly allowed yourself to eat high/simple carb foods and they have kicked-in this behavior? Were you able to eat whatever you'd wanted prior to this? And how did you eat prior to starting calorie counting to lose weight? What types of junk/processed foods did you tend to eat the most?
Could it be possible that you are now allowing yourself to have some junk? Simple carb/sugar kinda stuff? After not eating it for a while? This could have possibly kicked-in this behavior.
could it be that you are afraid of being at your goal? if overweight and losing weight has been the focus of your life for a long time it can be scary to have that focus gone. Or scary to face the other aspects of our lives that we have ignored because we were concentrating on being overweight.
This is a very unusual clinical pattern, I think. And I'm assuming you never had binge behavior before you lost the weight, right? It's really fascinating, actually.
Also....do you know or recall what the emotion was that initiated the binge? Anxiety? Depression? Angry? Or was it boredom? Or hunger?
I know that for instance, teen girls will get interested in and participate in anorexia/bulimia behaviors in order to lose a few pounds and to keep up with their peers. But certain ones will get addicted to the behavior.....when they might not have come to that point, had they never heard of it or participated in it. It's very complex....about control, etc. From what I've read, there also seems to be this huge element of feeling extremely uncomfortable if they swallow anything and want to get it out....to the point where eating ANYTHING causes them severe anxiety.
And for a person, let's say a teen, who goes to a party, tries heroin, and then continues to do it and becomes addicted......when presumably, they would not have become a heroin addict in the first place had they never tried it. MANY opiate addicts started when they received pain meds for surgery, injury, etc......but never had an interest in it prior to that.
Of course, there has to be something underlying these behaviors....if the teen girl had never heard of anorexia/bulimia.....would she have found some other sort of negative/addicting behavior of some other sort?
I'm trying to think of what would be responsible for this binging....since you did not participate in that behavior before you lost the weight...right? Did you ever binge before losing the 20 lbs.?
You almost seem to be indicating that by reading this forum...over time....and reading about so many describing binging behavior....you began to suddenly participate.....almost just like the anorexia/bulimia and heroin examples. As if had you never become interested in dieting and calorie counting, this might have been a behavior you might never have participated in before and you'd never had any prior interest at all.
Generally speaking, people with binging issues (and weight issues) have had them, to some degree, throughout their lives. A teen girl who discovered bulimia might start binging when she's discovered that she can eat without gaining weight (by getting rid of it).......but why would she have wanted to do it in the first place? Most of the time, this behavior is preceded by anorexia, deprivation (of food), hunger.....which could explain the suddenly developed obsession with binging, once she learns about bulimia
My personal theory on binging (not saying I'm right, of course)...is that the biggest component is physiological, rather than psychological/emotional. Not that there is not an emotional component, but I don't think it factors in as much as the physiological. Those of us who did really low-carbing to lose our weight, realized we suddenly had no more cravings and binges. And I don't have problems with these behaviors.....until and unless I start eating simple carbs/sweets/sugar. Then I'm off to the races.
Is there any component of this in your case? That after calorie counting and reaching goal, you've suddenly allowed yourself to eat high/simple carb foods and they have kicked-in this behavior? Were you able to eat whatever you'd wanted prior to this? And how did you eat prior to starting calorie counting to lose weight? What types of junk/processed foods did you tend to eat the most?
Could it be possible that you are now allowing yourself to have some junk? Simple carb/sugar kinda stuff? After not eating it for a while? This could have possibly kicked-in this behavior.
I enjoyed reading this....it's quite unusual.
deena
Thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply.
As for deena, your post was amazing and i'll try to answer the questions since you seem genuinely interested in this.
First of all, i have truly never had any past history with binging or any emotional eating issues. Family and influences around me have always been extremely healthy when it comes to self esteem etc. *
Before losing weight, my diet was a typical university student diet - alot of pepsi, ready made meals, take out and chocolate. Never did i binge though. If i'm brutally honest, i never even knew what the meaning of a binge was. *The thought of eating and eating and eating until you were uncomfortably full - and then going back for more was so foreign to me. I was one of those people who would think,how can you NOT control putting food in your mouth?? Who would eat and eat past being so full?. What do you mean you lose control and look nervously for ANYTHING to eat when your in that mindset? Now, i understand dully.
Before losing weight, i don't even remember eating at all until i was even a little uncomfortably full to be honest. Food and calories were nothing to me. I never took a second thought to any of it. I remember some of my gfs out to dinner would make comments about how many calories the meals was - and to me, that was soo foreign for me. It just wasn't a part of my life. All this was less than a year ago, and my how times have changed and i wish i could go back.
I lost weight because i just wanted to tone up. I'm 5'0 with a very small frame. I did NOT even dramatically change what i ate. I just added fruits and veg to my diet and cut down the portion size of thr processed meals and cut down the chocolate a little bit - never eliminated it. I barely even weighed myself when i lost weight. I did it so happily. No second thought to what i can or can't have. Never thought i was on a "diet"
When i lost weight, i was(still am) so incredibly proud of myself. I had the body i dreamed about. Never thought it would ever happen, and it did! I started going online to read about other people's journeys. Found SP and found the msg boards so interesting. It was after finding *SP that i found out about calories and counting etc. All that stuff never registered with me at all. Not once when i lost weight did i look at the calories of my food!
So ya, after reading a lot more stuff..things started Going all over the place. First it was calorie counting, then the obsession with the scale and then binging. Binging is the only thing that remains. I do remember the first few times i did it, i'd eat like 8 special k bars in a row..then it got worse and worse with the amount i was eating...now, its to the point where i can kind of feel it coming on. Before, i couldn't. Since i've realized that stress and anxiety triggers it, i can feel it coming - stopping it from happening clearly hasn't been successful.
When i don't have an episode, my eating is really healthy now. I have treats when i want, i eat a lot of fruits and veg and protein that i love. There's no problem in my everyday normal diet.*
I guess the part that i get so confused about is that my confidence and self esteem is at an all time high. I've never been happier to go shopping or even wear a bikini! So why do i do this to myself. It's passed the weight or number on the scale for me now. It's been my way of coping with stress. It's not like i've replaced food with another way of dealing with stress though. I used to just struggle a lot with sleeping when stressed out, and still do..and now i got food to add to the list.
Ugh, sorry about this essay! I was really interested in your response deena, so thank you
Completely broken.
