When I don't want to be here, is when I NEED to be here, a barely coherent rant, lol
Two steps forward...ONE step back.
Right now I'm in the process of taking one step back.
I don't know why it happens, I'll be plugging along just fine then I get in a rut of not wanting to workout, and not eating responsibly.
The last time I went to the gym was Tuesday, and as of Wednesday I've been eating (binging) as much as I like. I will say that with the exception of eating (and regretting) McD's on Wednesday night, (That stuff is just not worth it anymore. Maybe b/c I'm getting older but holy crap it just gives my indigestion and makes me feel like I ate lead.) I've been eating healthy.
Fruits, veggies, whole grains, but ZERO portion control, and I eventually got into my 3 year old's snacks. (Grahmn crackers, fig newtons, club crackers) Which were fully stocked because I bought them for him for school and only sent about half to school, since its a preschool we send a supply in.
I learned 2 things:
1. I don't know how to spell "grahmn" cracker
2. When I buy snacks for my son, I need to send ALL of them in. There's no reason to only send half. I can't have these things in the house. (Is that unfair to my son?) I do keep Cheeze-its in the house because I will under no circumstance eat cheeze-its (long story, haven't eaten in over 10 years)
Yesterday and today my kids are sick, my older one has a fever yesterday and today (although he seems to be doing better today), little guy has a runny nose and vomited a couple times yesterday. So now I can't go to the gym today even if I wanted to (I have to put them in the daycare at the gym)
Taking that step back seems so surreal..Its like I'm watching myself just mindlessly eating like a pig and sitting around. I tell myself, "Stop this now, before you really gain some weight back!" but I just keep making poor choices. And I'm terrified this is going to be the time I fail. I've always failed at somepoint, I've never reached my goal weight, I've always been either obese or over weight. Yo-yoing is the STORY OF MY LIFE!! I've never truly made a lifestyle out of being healthy, and I always feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like I know at some point I will fail. I will just give up, its just a matter of when.
Ok sorry for the long post. I need to be on here to help me get back on track. But when I'm doing poorly, I don't want to be here because I just feel guilty. I suppose I will always need support if I plan on maintaining this new lifestyle as I have not been able to do it on my own in the past.
I'm afraid to get on the scale. Like I don't want to see the weight gain. And I'm going on vacation in one month and I wanted to be 170 lbs by then. (I am in a lose size 14 and a very tight, not yet wearable size 12. I am going to be buying new clothes for the vacation and I really want to be in a comfortable 12. I figure about 170lbs I'd be in a comfortable 12.)
And now I'm just mad at myself for wasting the past week not working out, not eating responsibly. Not only have I NOT lost weight, but I probably set myself BACK. UGH!!!!!!!
funny, when I'm struggling (like now), I have a hard time coming here too, seems to go against common sense (!)
good thing we can plug words into google and get our spelling fixed
I've come to believe this weight loss stuff is a process, not "succeed/fail." Sounds like you learned a couple of things here, send all the snacks out. And no, it's not unfair to your son to not have something around.
I struggle getting to the gym too, so I'm working on building up an exercise routine I do at home, involves free weights (cheap to buy, and don't take up that much room, good for you too). there's also DVDs/videos you can buy or rent from the library, or even youtube videos that have exercise routines. I love the gym, but I know I can't always muster up the hours of the day to get there.
as far as managing the overeating, I'm thinking I may need to get a little more outside support. I'm not eating crazy, and I'm pretty healthy, but portion control is a problem, and letting sweets sneak in.
sometimes it helps me to figure out the weak areas and times, and change my behavior. figuring out my state of mind when I go for the sweets makes a difference too, I tend to want chocolate when I get stressed or bored or anxious.
maybe with the portions, you can pre-proportion snacks in baggies (lots of people do that)
take it one day at a time, and don't let it overwhelm you. every moment really is a new moment to get back on track (saying that to me too!)
good luck!! and have fun on your vacation
Last edited by dragonwoman64; 03-26-2011 at 10:49 AM.
Thank you for your reply. Since I posted, I gathered up at the snacks I've been basically binging on, but them in a bag and they are in my son's backpack for school. They have a cabinet there where they store them for snack time.
I also weighted myself. After breakfast and with clothes, but at least I got on the scale. 179.8.
Something you said got me thinking. You said you tend to want chocolate when you are stressed, bored, or anxious. This REALLY was eye opening for me. I've always "known" I was an emotional eater. But when I would think about it, I reeally don't eat when I'm angry or sad. I always "known" I eat when I'm bored or stressed, but truthfully when that happens, (bored or stressed) I still feel in control of my eating. I can say "no". But latey I've been realizing its more anxiety driven, and that's when I feel like I lose control. Because eating relieves the anxiety, so its nearly impossibleto say no because the anxiety gets out of control and I reach a point where I don't care about what I'm eating, or how much, and long as I'm eating until the anxiety is gone.
Weight loss is a rollercoaster of emotions and for the emotional eater is it really difficult to get a handle on control. Usually, post stress is when I feel like I could eat a house. I do keep fresh veges or cheese stick available at all times so that I can at least control these urges. When I don't have something healthy available...I will look for things to eat or buy something that I generally don't eat. The other day, post stress...I decided that I wanted a milkshake and nothing was going to convince me NOT to have it. The little voices spoke to me seveeral times and I almost did not give in the urge but then I saw a Wendy's and my car just pulled right in!!! Seriously, I don't think I was even driving!!!! I had it and it felt good and I had to tell myself that I was not going to beat myself up about it because it was my decision to have that. It doesn't happen often if I am prepared with my bags of nuts/carrots/celery and peanut butter. So, I need to be better about being prepared! I have also learned that sometimes a milkshake is not so bad if it stops there! That's harder to control. As far as the gym thing, keep a couple of weights at home to do when you can't get there. I know its tuff when you have little kids but its an idea. Best of luck.
It is inevitable that you will have backslides. What does that say about you? That you are *human*, not that there is something wrong with you!
All you can do is try to not let backslides turn into a full blown regression. And it looks like you did a pretty great job.
After only 3 days of binges and 4 days of no workouts you owned up to it, took action with the food and came here for support. In the grand scheme of things on your weight loss journey this is actually an accomplishment. You seem to have learned how to deal with the slip ups, so congrats!
*hugs*
Now get yourself on a scale and to the gym and back to your usual plan
Everything that XTY said and this what dragonwoman64 said. Get yourself thigns to be able to do at home if you can't make it to the gym. As a mom, it's just not going to happen every time. I plan to walk outside for much of my exercise, but when I can't due to weather, I pop in a video and jump around in the basement.
Thank you everyone for your support. I feel like I need to get to the bottom of my issues with eating. I guess the reason I am waiting to fail is because I know deep down I haven't addressed the root of the problem, so its only a matter of time before the issues get the better of me and I binge again.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 03-26-2011 at 01:51 PM.
Thank you everyone for your support. I feel like I need to get to the bottom of my issues with eating. I guess the reason I am waiting to fail is because I know deep down I haven't addressed the root of the problem, so its only a matter of time before the issues get the better of me and I binge again.
You might benefit from doing a program like IOWL (inside out weight loss) along with your diet.
For years I've known that the root of my own weight problem was due to childhood trauma. But I didn't know the exact reason. I could run around in my head and think "Ok, I'm fat because I experienced years of sexual trauma as a child" but that wasn't the reason I was fat. And then through this program she guides you through a visualization of you in the future, you being slim. And then she asks if you like it. Because if you like it, you'd be there already. What was your body giving you, what was the "gift" your body was giving you by remaining fat.
And I had a hard time with this, because what possibly could be a gift of being fat?!?! But then it dawned on me. Because of the childhood I had, I wanted to disappear. I wanted to blend in with the walls and not been seen by anyone... because of guilt and despair. and I was highly uncomfortable with attention from anyone, especially from men. By being "fat" I was safe. Safe from getting any unwanted or even wanted attention. Safe from the opposite sex. Safe from sticking out like a sore thumb in the world... because all I wanted to be was the person who evaporated.
Everyone is different. That's my story. You may want to look into the IOWL program (which is completely free on their website, don't bother paying for it on Amazon or Itunes!) or maybe you just want to work through this specific exercise. Imagine yourself in the future... happy, fit, slim, full of energy... really see it and feel it in your mind. Do you like it? Search for the part of you that is holding you back and identify the problem.
Oh GlamourGirl I feel your pain. I have been on borderline binges with sugar for the past week (on vacation, stressed out, excuses etc) and screaming "I DON'T CARE" to myself when in fact I do care. I am not going to get on the scale any time soon though because I'm too chicken.
I get really upset when I think about my weight loss goal "deadlines" I set months ago that I didn't achieve. Not a single one, I was "supposed" to be at goal by now but I'm probably almost 20 lbs over that aka up 10 lbs since Christmas. I know logically that instead of throwing my hands in the air and eating my way back into my "fat clothes" I should just accept bygones and focus on healthy habits, but it is very hard and I can tell that I am quite susceptible to yo-yo-ing. Now I'm faced with the choice of whether I nip it in the bud and stay light and happy, or whether I put it off until I am hiding behind overstyled hair and heavy makeup every day to distract people from noticing how round my face has gotten.
When I don't want to be here, is when I NEED to be here, a barely coherent rant, lol
Since I posted, I gathered up at the snacks I've been basically binging on, but them in a bag and they are in my son's backpack for school. They have a cabinet there where they store them for snack time. 
