My fiancee is a jerk..or am i being oversensetive?
I am so mad at my fiancee..I really feel like he is a jerk..It isnt enough that i feel like i need his approval or i feel the need to be perfect in my eating so he doesnt look at me wrong..So anyway.. i decided since i was making so many little cheats on my program, i would just have a carb blow out night tonite and start fresh tommorow... so i chose to make homemade pizzas..we had little pizza shells and all we had to do was top our pizza and shove it in the oven..So i asked him if he could make mine for me because i was dealing with our baby girl..First he says to me "oh well im not hungry" to which i responded with "uh yah you may not be, but have you considered that ive been taking care of are sick baby girl and im still doing that, so maybe you could make me something eat instead of sitting on the couch watching TV?" So then he does and i tell him i want 2 mini pizzas.. and when i put my baby girl to bed, i go into the kitchen to find he took out one pizza shell out of the freezer...and i said " i asked for two" and i had to make my own pizzas because he obviously couldnt find the pizza sauce in the fridge cause he had to make it..how hard is that? to open a can? So.. i said " you didnt pull out two shells" and he said "OH..isnt one enough??" and i think this is stupid because ive always eaten 2..and he ..he is like 120 something pounds, a skinny boy.. i would call him anorexic, except that he eats a lot when he wants but he has a metabolism so fast he has never been able to put on a pound of weight and he has a petite frame...So im like "ah no.. i always eat two" and he is like "why do you need 2? i dont eat 2" and im like.."well im not a little anorexic skinny boy who doesnt eat"(when he gets upset, he starves himself) and he said "well i think one is enough" and i said "but not for me" and he is like "Well why isnt it?" and i sarcastically said "because im just a fat pig who eats and eats and eats" and he said "yah i guess you are a fat pig" ..
I just lost it there..its hard enough being on a progam when he stuffs his face with whatever he wants..but its another thing when he agrees with me.. especially when i look to him for encouragement...i dont know..am i being oversensetive? Becaue ifeel reallly upset and mad that he would come at me like this..It makes me not want to continue my weight loss journey.. if eel like i should go back to my closet and just start eating again..why bother trying? when people dont bother to look at me any different than me no matter how hard i try..what is dropping several pounds going to change anything..?
Whoa... you both insulted each other to the core. Yes, I would be mad at him. But I would be mad at you if I were him also. Calling someone anarexic is just as bad as calling someone a fat pig. Those are both extremely hurtful statements.
I don't think you should take him preparing one pizza for you as an insult. He is probably just trying to be supportive, or fixing what he (as a skinny individual) sees as one serving size.
Apologies on both ends, and possibly couples counseling is in order.
Is this the way you two usually treat each other?
Last edited by Shytowngal; 03-01-2011 at 02:16 AM.
You put the insult about yourself out there and you should never do that. Don't insult yourself and then get mad because he agreed with you. You teach people how to treat you...even those that love you. You can't get frustrated or upset with him because he is thin. I know how it is taking care of a sick child and then have to take care of him and yourself but the insults should not be a part of your relationship especially if you are planning to get married. A life together loving each other doesn't include insults like this...painful. You can make your points without damaging each other. Just my opinion.
Wow. He has every right to be angry with you; you insulted his appearance and his intellect and his only "crime" was daring to prepare only one pizza for you instead of two? He shouldn't have called you a fat pig, obviously, but he wasn't the one who initiated the war with a few tactical nukes about his being "lazy" and "anorexic."
And you talk about how hard it is "being on a program," but you're not on a program. You're talking about the stress of being on a program as you eat two pizzas. It seems pretty clear that this program is not working for you; I don't know if that's because you're not fully invested in losing or because the program itself just isn't a good fit for you, but it sounds like it's making you miserable. Maybe it's time to try another method; I know I can't do low-carb because it makes me into a raging *****. You might find your mood similarly affected if you're trying a plan that isn't right for you.
I'm going to give you some "tough love" and I hope you take this in the spirit in which it's intended: since you have started here, I see a lot of "cry for help" posts from you and a lot of "confessing my sins" posts and a lot of "I've had a bad day" posts, but I don't see a lot of walking in other people's shoes, not in your posts nor in your self-described behavior toward your BF. You seem to be asking for a great deal of support that I don't know if forums alone can give you.
I'm with Shytowngal and really think you should consider some counseling because that kind of exclusive self-focus and loss of empathy is often a sign of depression, as is mistreatment of loved ones. Is counseling a possibility for you financially? I know money's pretty tight for your family at the moment and I certainly understand that, but there should be some kind of free or inexpensive services available.
Please consider how growing up in a household with so much tension will affect your daughter.
I don't want you to feel attacked, but there's a whole mess of issues here, and I'll try to be as kind as I can without being dishonest.
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Originally Posted by Porthardygurl
So anyway.. i decided since i was making so many little cheats on my program, i would just have a carb blow out night tonite and start fresh tommorow...
This was your first mistake, and it was a doozy. It is the way most of us have learned to diet (we learned it from watching other people. It's the way dieting "is done" in this culture, it's also why more diets fail than succeed).
It's a bit like tripping on a hike up a mountain trail and deciding to throw ourselves over a cliff, so we can "start fresh."
Or deciding a room needs cleaning, so you trash it first.
One of the first things you need to learn for permanent weight loss is the counterproductivity of guilt-binges. "I've been bad, so it's an excuse to be terrible. I promise to be good tomorrow," is a terrible strategy. It doesn't work, and it makes no sense.
Assuming eating is "bad" (and I don't buy it, but let's assume anyway), then the "carb blowout" plan is a really bad one. It's like deciding to give up bank robbing because it's wrong, but then doing several more robberies so you can "start fresh" and not be tempted to perform future bank robberies due to lack of fundage. Or killing someone in a heatead moment, and deciding to reform by killing everyone you're angry with, so you can start fresh and not be tempted to kill anyone else.
It's an analogy that doesn't work. If eating off plan is "bad" then the appropriate course of action is not only to feel guilty, it's to stop doing "bad" things. If eating off plan isn't "bad" then you have nothing to feel guilty for, and no reason not to "continue on." There is no need to start fresh (especially by making a huge mess before starting fresh).
As for your fiance's comments. Ouch! But I have to agree that "you started it," and you fought hard and dirty. When you attack someone, they tend to attack with equal or greater force. It's unfair and unreasonable to fight dirty and expect the other person to fight fair.
Also, you're falling into the sterotypical dieting trap - all of the ineffective weight loss strategies that doom a person to failure (on the path you're on, it is going to lead to failure). We learn these ineffective strategies, because it's what we see most people doing - but even though most people do it - they don't succeed doing it (which may be why the statistics for large-scale weight loss is so dismal).
1. Looking to others to reward you for your efforts. Holding others responsible for your eating on plan, or off.
2. Expecting someone to know the right thing to do or so, when your behavior is contradictory (are you sure that if he'd done as you'd as, you wouldn't blame him tommorrow for "enabling" your binge - for not helping you stay on plan?)
3. Turning a smal mistake into more mistakes, and bigger ones.
4. Making food "bad" and you "bad" for eating it.
5. Judging yourself and others harshly for not being "perfect" and using it as an excuse to be perfectly horrible if you can't be perfectly good. The bipolar dieting is the most common way to diet, but it's also the most ineffective. Saints and villains do not belong in weight loss.
I wish the best for you, but you're using strategies that aren't likely to work. I agree that some couple's counseling at a community mental health center or other non-profit organization could help you both communicate without turning your home into a war zone. What you're doing is pretty normal, but normal doesn't work for weight loss. Normal is failing over and over, because it's what you've always done.
Whoa... you both insulted each other to the core. Yes, I would be mad at him. But I would be mad at you if I were him also. Calling someone anarexic is just as bad as calling someone a fat pig. Those are both extremely hurtful statements.
I don't think you should take him preparing one pizza for you as an insult. He is probably just trying to be supportive, or fixing what he (as a skinny individual) sees as one serving size.
Apologies on both ends, and possibly couples counseling is in order.
Is this the way you two usually treat each other?
Whoa, yeah. You were egging him on from the get-go, and started the body insults.
Dropping pounds isn't going to change anything except your weight. It's up to you to stop insulting his weight and eating issues, and to stop the all or nothing mentality of trying to lose weight and the "nothings working so I'll just quit and start eating like I used to."
I agree that counseling might be useful for you, and for the 2 of you. You aren't communicating like grownups, and the last thing your baby needs is adults fighting with each other and insulting each other all the time.
to which i responded with "uh yah you may not be, but have you considered that ive been taking care of are sick baby girl and im still doing that, so maybe you could make me something eat instead of sitting on the couch watching TV?"
i had to make my own pizzas because he obviously couldnt find the pizza sauce in the fridge cause he had to make it..how hard is that? to open a can?
i sarcastically said "because im just a fat pig who eats and eats and eats"
Don't ever be sarcastic and contemptuous towards people, especially not people you love. When you talk to or about people as if they are scum, idiots, jerks, you corrode your own soul. When you look at other people through this lens, you start assuming other people see you the same way. NOTHING will set you up for a lifetime of misery and pain like living in the world you are creating when you see other people this way. Regardless of whether or not the boyfriend is a jerk, you're hurting yourself when you treat people this way.
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I just lost it there..its hard enough being on a progam when he stuffs his face with whatever he wants..but its another thing when he agrees with me.. especially when i look to him for encouragement...i dont know..am i being oversensetive? Becaue ifeel reallly upset and mad that he would come at me like this..It makes me not want to continue my weight loss journey.. if eel like i should go back to my closet and just start eating again..why bother trying? when people dont bother to look at me any different than me no matter how hard i try..what is dropping several pounds going to change anything..?
This is a rationalization. Trust me, I've been there. Your inner two-year old really wants to eat whatever she wants to eat whenever she wants to eat it, and she's whispering this in your ear because it means you get to give in to her and make it other people's fault. You need to lose weight so that you can see your daughter graduate from high school. F*** anyone else.
A couple of people have suggested that you might be depressed, and I wonder the same thing. I don't know how old your daughter is, but might it be post-partum depression? Even if it's not that, children often throw a wrench into couple's relationships. They can be hard to adjust to!
I've read a lot of your posts and it seems like you and your fiance have problems communicating with each other in a healthy way. That's always important for a couple, but especially when you have a baby.
When you put it all together, I would go along with others who say counseling might be a good idea.
Yikes! It really does sound like everything just fell apart in those few minutes. Probably you were feeling stressed taking care of your sick little one, and probably a little cantankerous in general about the struggles you're having with your eating, etc. But it does sound to me like you kinda started this one.
I'm the first to admit that I am a fairly moody person at times, especially when I'm hungry (which it sounds like you were). And I get irritated, very irritated at times with my hubs. When the stars aren't all aligned and I'm feeling snarky, I find that my tendency is to take it out on those around me/who I'm closest to. Probably because they are THERE. But I really try to keep myself centered and not do this, because just because he loves me doesn't mean my husband has an unending tolerance for my moods. Also, while we do have our disagreements, both of us feel very strongly that we never "hit below the belt". That means no character assassinations or name calling -- EVER. We can be ticked at each other about this or that, but I firmly believe that a healthy, successful relationship cannot withstand very many personal assaults before the core is affected. I have a feeling his calling you a fat a$$ is going to be with you for awhile. But I imagine he didn't even mean it, you kinda drove him to the point where he lost all his patience.
I would have a calm, serious talk about it, get over the hard feelings, and just remember when you want to say ""uh yah you may not be, but have you considered that ive been taking care of are sick baby girl and im still doing that, so maybe you could make me something eat instead of sitting on the couch watching TV?" You could say "Honey, I'm at the end of my rope taking care of our kiddo -- would you mind terribly helping me out by throwing in a pizza for me?" Ya get more flies with honey!
Hate the say this but that fight was all you. He was just trying to help you stay vaguely on plan because he probably knows what your weightloss means to you and you just went nutso on him. You were fighting dirty and he wasn't even the one to insult you. You insulted yourself and he agreed but you had already pissed him off by insulting him and calling him anorexic. I think you really need to take a step back and try and look at things from another persons perspective and not just make yourself into a victim. You purposefully sabotaged your meal plan and attacked your boyfriend just for telling you maybe two pizzas is a little too much. How you can see it any other way is beyond me.
You put the insult about yourself out there and you should never do that. Don't insult yourself and then get mad because he agreed with you. You teach people how to treat you...even those that love you. You can't get frustrated or upset with him because he is thin.
I am new here, so I don't know anything about your posting history like the others do, but I just wanted to say that I hope that this doesn't scare you off. I know from other forums I've been on that at this point a lot of people who are already in sort of a worked up state would log on and read these replies and say "well, if that's what everyone thinks than I won't post anymore". You can't let negative feed back scare you off from what might be the little bit of support you get.
I have to say, that while I'm not saying you are faultless in the row above, that I tend to feel differently than the other ladies and think he's a little more of a jerk than you are. I personally have never known a man, and have run into very few women, who are even the slightest bit offended by being called anorexic. lol. In most circles it seems to be almost a compliment. I re-read your post several times and even searched with "find on this page" and I couldn't see where you called him "lazy", it's early so maybe I missed it. My husband is thinner than me, and while not SKINNY, he also loses weight much faster than I do. He has access to a gym and trainers for as long as he wants during his work day because the gym for staff on base is one floor up from his office. He also has people to go with him and to work out with. To me, this would make it so much easier than being shut up here alone all day with my Wii fit, lol. So I mean, I understand the frustration of having a smaller spouse, even though I am "tiny" under all of this I still occasionally feel like a big old man because my waist is bigger. He has bigger feet, hands, shoulders, arms, everything... but I still feel like a big old DUDE alot of the time and it's hard, if he were SO tiny that I would likely NEVER be as small as he is (and at your 6 ft I can't imagine being 120) then I would probably develop some subconscious issues too. SO I feel your pain on some level.
You shouldn't have gotten so mad that you "insulted" him, and unlike the others, I must say I feel like there is something wrong on his end for not realizing that no matter what comes out of your mouth about your own weight that he shouldn't call you a "fat pig", especially if he knows you are super sensitive about it. I'm not sure what you mean by mini pizzas really, I've seen little whole grain pizza shells at the market that are only a little bigger than an English muffin and then I've seen some that are about 10in in diameter. Honestly if they are closer to the small side I would probably eat two also and write down my calories and not think twice about it. maybe he was trying to help you by only setting out one shell, I mean I doubt he was looking for a fight, but to start comparing what HE would eat to what YOU would eat wasn't fair on his part at all. Just because it's enough for his "little" body doesn't really mean it is enough for you. I know I have a friend who eats like a bird and if I tried to live off the 1/4 bag of air popped pop corn and cup of plain yogurt she eats a day I'd be done for. lol.
I think you guys might just be a couple that , like a lot of people, have bad communication skills. Had YOU let him in on your plan he might not have agreed with your course of action, but he might have set out the two pizzas. If he'd have said nicely that he was trying to support you and was only going to set out one then you might not have gotten angry. If he hadn't have kept badgering you about why you should only have one then you wouldn't have insulted him. If you hadn't have insulted him then he wouldn't have insulted you, la, la, la it all comes down to communication.
We have great communication and My hubby is very supportive, but his journey and his obstacles are very different than mine. He likes sweets and I am lazy. He isn't here all day to keep me active, but I'm here when he starts his evening sweets cravings and I have to yell "NO!" at him. but he knows that I am trying to help him and it's not done in an insulting manner so it is not an issue for us. We rarely argue as it is and I thank goodness that I am blessed with a man who isn't hyper critical of my weight and would know better than to ever insult me even if I was being testy with him at the moment. As adults who feel they are ready for marriage you should both realize that once you say something you can never take it back so you shouldn't just spit out the first thing that comes to mind.
Sorry if I rambled, I was having a hard time getting my point across, lol hope it made sense.
I slightly disagree with everyone else, but only because I read your other posts. I don't think the fight was necessarily all you because you two seem to have a way of being mean to each other. Not helping you out by getting you something to eat was not kind. Getting only one was pretty passive aggressive. All the name calling on both sides is just ugly. You two do not seem to bring out the best in each other.
Also, I'm not sure how old your daughter is but the first year after ours was born was HARD. I might have sometimes thought, "WTH is wrong with you, you lazy jerk, can't you see I need some HELP here" but I would not have SAID it. You can't un-say something like that. It is HARD. Our daughter had reflux and never slept and threw up ALL THE TIME. We were both just so tired. Even so, you HAVE to find a way not to say horrible things in the heat of the moment. It just makes things snowball and then it gets REALLY ugly and you can't take that back. You also don't want to be in the habit of being so hateful to each other in front of your daughter. She is going to grow up and base her future relationships on what she learns at home and what you want her to learn is that people who love each other are lovING to each other.
You guys really really seriously need to consider some relationship counseling - not just to air grievances and decide who is "right" but to help you learn to disagree with each other without going off and being so hard on each other.
Another suggestion? Keep your diet plans to yourself. Partners of overweight people hear a lot of diet plans and schemes and "I'm going to do it" type talks all the time and I would imagine many of them think, "oh great, here we go again," when the diet talk starts. Obviously, we want our partners to be supportive but it's SUCH a sensitive topic. When you talk it over, you give the impression that it's a DISCUSSION and in a discussion both people get to make comments. You also give the other person an excuse to play Food Cop and that never goes well.
Good luck to you. It sounds like you guys have a lot of things to work out on both sides.
"Anorexic" seems like a rather cruel term to throw at someone whom the OP acknowledges that "when he gets upset, he starves himself." Most people find body-centric insults highly offensive--that includes "anorexic" as much as it does "fat pig." It's one of the most lethal disorders someone can have, so I don't know that there are many who consider it "almost a compliment," at least not among anyone I've known.
There was no right in that argument; neither "pig" nor "anorexic" is very loving. I don't know if it's unusual to say this, but I don't think I've fought with my husband in such terms in over fifteen years of marriage. We've fought, yeah--but there was always a bedrock understanding that there are some things that can't be unsaid, so we'd better not go there. Come to think of it, I don't know that it's ever occurred to me to go there; I can't summon up truly vicious things to say to that man.
Last edited by Nola Celeste; 03-01-2011 at 09:04 AM.
My fiancee is a jerk..or am i being oversensetive?
