When I was 20, I graduated college, got married, moved to two different regions of the state and several hours from my friends and family. We ended up in a tiny "town" oF ten people with exceptionally harsh winters, a crappy house, and really tight finances. Before we got married, DH and I had never even lived in the same town, much less together in the same house. This all happened in the course of 4 months or so. It was an adjustment, to say the least.
This summer we'll be celebrating our 5th year of marriage. It hasn't always beeen easy. There have been some very tough times, including living 4 hours apart for work for over a year and a half.
The most important thing I've learned, and the best advice I can give, is to learn to be very direct and very transparent about your needs. A lot of times we want our husbands to just know what we need or want, and most of the time, they're clueless. My husband is Captain Fix It when it comes to problems, and he gets exceptionally frustrated and sometimes angry when he can't fix them. I've learned that the best way around it is to be very vulnerable about it, but direct. Instead of "I'm having a lot of problems sticking to my WOE and I feel so desperate and fat and I hate myself" and expecting him to know how to handle it, I've learned to say the same thing but add what I need him to do at the end "I'm having a lot of problems sticking to my WOE and I feel so desperate and fat and I hate myself. I need you to hug me and tell me you love me and that you still think I'm beautiful and that you know I can do this. " By taking the guesswork out of what I want, and giving him an avenue to feel that he is helping me "fix" it, it has really helped keep the communication lines of our relationship healthy. It's hard to be that vulnerable sometimes, but I can't always expect him to know what I need or how to deal with an issue I'm coming to him with. It's also hard because sometimes even I don't know what I need. I've found that opening those conversations with "I need to talk to you about something and I just need you to listen and hug me when I'm done" helps. That way he feels like there are actions he can take (listening, hug) and he knows what I'm looking for from him.
I'm sorry to hear that you guys are going through so much right now, but I'm glad that things are on the up-swing. Good luck and keep going!
I want to tell you my story- maybe it will help. I was disowned by my abusive, controlling parents for dating someone outside of the religion when I was 18 years old, and it caused me to develop an eating disorder. I am 24 years old now. To deal with the stress, at first, I began overeating. Then I began starving myself to get rid of the weight I gained. I starved myself down to 84 lbs (I am 4'11"- but still scary!) and slowly I began to recover.
Fast forward- I met my (now fiancee) online when I was starving myself, but at that point, was probably at least 95 lbs. He left for 8 months for military service but we kept in contact over the phone and e-mail. I continued starving myself when he was gone, because I live alone, and nobody was there to stop me. I worked out all the time and ate very specific foods. I was anorexic, I had extreme anxiety about taking a rest day from exercising or eating anything outside of the foods I "allowed myself" to eat. My (now fiancee) came back into town, was shocked at how thin I was, and through the process of dating him and being a normal human being-- eating at restaurants, popcorn at the movies, making dinner for both of us, I gained about 40 lbs. I needed to gain weight, but now I weigh too much. I'm not horribly overweight, but I'm above what I am comfortable with. HE figured out that I had an eating disorder because he realized how much anxiety I had around certain foods, like cheese or butter. I was bingeing when he was around because he would eat pizza and lasagna and stuff, and I couldn't resist anymore. Like you, I was trying to eat smaller portions of fattening dishes and felt hungry and deprived. I was gaining weight. I wanted to push him away, and I started fights because I couldn't keep up with my crazy workout and diet routine with him back in the picture. It was impossible to fit this into a normal life with a normal guy.
About 4 months later, we were driving home from a friend's house and he asked me if I had an eating disorder. I said "yes" ... and I told him everything. Every dirty secret about my eating disorder. I let it out. I cried for about 3 hours in the car. And our relationship was in recovery ever since. He told me that he loved me, and he would help me, and I was beautiful no matter what.
My (now fiancee) has helped me find a therapist, and I go once a week. He watches me to make sure I am not undereating, but also if I am eating too fast or it looks like I may be bingeing, he asks me if I am really hungry. We workout together. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful, supportive guy.
Your husband needs to support you. Maybe eating disorders are not something he is comfortable with, but he married YOU, and if you need his help, he should not be turning his back to you. That's how I feel. Counseling could help you-- it helped me immensely. I could not have recovered without my fiancee's help. Your husband may need some time to process what he is feeling, but he should come back to you and tell you that he wants to help. Please let us know what happens.
Megan,
I am so happy things are improving. I really enjoy reading your posts, as we share similar thoughts. It is so hard eating like a "normal" person. I watch everything that goes in like a hawk. I do not really count calories but eat things that are low fat and fresh. I eat lots of salad and fruit. I have become obsessed. I feel like this is one thing in my life that I control...no one else can do this. My husband supports me but says your getting so thin. So while my issues are different somewhat than yours, I still empathize with your struggle. I also miss eating all the cheesy foods....but I hate the way I feel when I do it. I like having self control--it makes me feel empowered. I am trying to come to a balance, as I realize too much control may equal bad health. Circumstances beyond my control started my weight loss efforts, and stress from various sources make me feel controlled and pulled certain directions. This has led me to controlling the one thing that only I have power over....and I need to get a balance. "Normal" eating like "regular" people will not happen because there is too much variation on perception norms for normal. I am working on balance for me. You are not alone in the struggle. Hugs.
Sissy
Wow...I don't know what to say either, sorry to keep with the theme. I know this is the first time in a while I have felt real sadness and anger for someone by proxy; especially through a screen.
Part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he might have PTSD. The boys don't always come back from Iraq with their psyche in perfect order, and we all know that. But the other part of me just feels serious rage for you and I can also identify with you being a military girlfriend myself. Mine is an Airman, though.
I'm blown away, I want to hug you. I am so sorry.
Just remember that love/attraction/attachment and marriage notwithstanding, don't stand by or wait for someone with no respect, compassion or empathy for you. The only way to move is up.
Wow...I don't know what to say either, sorry to keep with the theme. I know this is the first time in a while I have felt real sadness and anger for someone by proxy; especially through a screen.
Part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he might have PTSD. The boys don't always come back from Iraq with their psyche in perfect order, and we all know that. But the other part of me just feels serious rage for you and I can also identify with you being a military girlfriend myself. Mine is an Airman, though.
I'm blown away, I want to hug you. I am so sorry.
Just remember that love/attraction/attachment and marriage notwithstanding, don't stand by or wait for someone with no respect, compassion or empathy for you. The only way to move is up.
Megan...I am so happy to see that things are going better for you and your husband. I was thinking exactly the same thing Nebuchadnezzar just said above. All 3 of my 20 something sons are military. The oldest served 3 tours in Iraq, and middle is currently in Afghanistan and the youngest has been deployed once on a ship, due to be deployed again in a few months. They have all changed so much since becoming military men. My oldest has suffered from PTSD, and was very good at hiding behind other issues to avoid having to face it or discuss it.
Of course, I am very concerned for you. But, I am also concerned about your husband and think PTSD could be a real possibility here. Especially considering the way it appears that he overreacted. Regardless, I just want you to know that so many people here have been cheering on your efforts and want what's best for you. You and your husband are both in my thoughts.
Awww Megan....((hug))) I love you! I know I'm a stranger, but I know that need well dear!
So much of your story reflects to mine. That all or nothing mentality. Boy do I get that! My husband grew up with alcoholic parents. In my binging and issues with control, I feel like he almosts humors what part of me is up to bat like he did his parents to keep the peace, so I understand that too.
It seems like he's angry because he doesn't understand your feelings well enough to "fix" them for you. Men love to be needed, but get all bowed up when backed into a corner by the unknow, then lash out as he did on you.
Has he called or come back? I wouldn't leave, but I would ask him to talk to you calmly and tell you what makes him feel like you're anorexic. Tell him what he sees in you, not in what you've told him, that tells him that. Maybe pull some resources on binging and different disorders to share with him?
What he needs is to become informed about what you're going through so he can sympathize with you. He won't be able to do that until he knows more about it and is rational about it.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I am praying he comes back and you two can work it all out. ((hugs!))
