I went to a party my best friend hosted tonight. Since starting Medifast, I've been going out as little as possible to avoid drinking because it's really, really hard for me as a college student to hang out in groups and not drink. But tonight I really needed to see all my friends at the same time, and I had a great time. I didn't drink much — 3 oz. of vodka (yes, I actually measured ) — but then I got drunk munchies and we ended up going to Taco Bell on the way home.
This makes me wonder...am I trying to sabotage myself, or am I just such a pathetic person that I can't stay on plan?
I don't get it. I started today thinking, "I won't drink." Then it turned into "I'll skip my last two Medifast meals to make room for 3 oz. of vodka." And then at the party, I was doing relatively well — I had chosen to go off plan food-wise, but I was staying within my "nutritional" value (yea, I know, it wasn't a good choice, but it was still a choice that wouldn't throw me out of whack completely).
Then the Taco Bell. What the heck is wrong with me? The second they mentioned how much they wanted it, I knew I couldn't get anything. I kept telling myself I wasn't going to. On the way there, I was completely sober, and I was telling myself I wouldn't get anything. Even in the line at the drive-through, I was telling myself I shouldn't do it. I even said in my head, "If you don't get this food, it means you can do this."
And I did anyway.
I got two bean burritos. 740 calories and 112 carbs — more than I'm allowed to eat in an entire day in carbs, and 60 less than my daily limit for calories. This will definitely throw me out of ketosis and cost me at least three days before I get back into it.
I'm so frustrated, and I can't stop thinking: If just seconds before making a bad decision I can tell myself, "Don't do this. If you do, you're failing," and still do it, what does that say about me?
I'm so disgusted with myself, I'm embarrassed to even post this. That's why I'm doing it tonight instead of the morning.