[BatgirlAmy]

He has no right to say that to you. But you need to be eating more than special K bars and you wont binge like that. You need to talk to him and let him know how wrong it was of him and that you need his positive support not his harsh words.

[dragonwoman64]

I agree with the comment that you're an adult now, and it's really outside of the range of anyone's business to comment on what you're eating, whether it's on a plan or not. And if someone who cared about you was concerned by some extreme behavior and felt the need to comment, I think he/she should have the presence of mind to approach you in private. (or if you ASK, as people do in this forum all the time.)

that said, two things came to my mind about this situation: 1) eating and weight seem to me to exist in an arena of shame and embarrassment where people do feel more free to comment, 2) guys, in general, don't look at dieting and weight loss the same way women do, and tend not to invest all the emotional ties to eating that women do -- so a man may see going off a planned way of eating in a more black and white way and not something to be particularly sensitive about (but I would expect a guy to have a general understanding that women ARE more sensitive to their weight and dieting).

only you can decide (and know) whether this guy should be given the benefit of the doubt or ousted. good luck either way, with him and your goals.

[AZ Sunrises]

Smiling and telling him that you might be losing ___ pounds of deadweight as you eyed him up and down would've been an appropriate response.

[Nola Celeste]

Originally Posted by BatgirlAmy

He has no right to say that to you. But you need to be eating more than special K bars and you wont binge like that. You need to talk to him and let him know how wrong it was of him and that you need his positive support not his harsh words.

I don't really agree that the barbecue meal was a binge (sometimes people get stuck with few choices and have to just eat what's there, but in small amounts it's no binge in my book), but I definitely agree that he needs some serious talking-with.

A lot of men DO see the word "fat" in a very different way than women do. My husband recently pointed something out on TV by rewinding and saying, "Look past the fat woman in blue." To him, "fat" is a descriptor like "tall" or "redheaded" or "wearing glasses." To me, it's a word I use for myself, and not in a derogatory way--but I would never use it to describe other people. It's too much of a charged word.

(Come to think of it, I might want to look into why I don't feel ashamed or apologetic about calling myself fat, but wouldn't use it to describe others--but that's for a different post. )

I'm not taking his side--what he said was insensitive no matter which words he used because he publicly called attention to your food relative to your size and that is R-U-D-E by any standards. But to him, it might have been a gaffe on the order of accidentally stepping on your toe, not a grievous affront like intentionally pushing you into a mud puddle and laughing.

If he's genuinely apologetic and didn't realize it would be so hurtful, I'd forgive him (and have a long talk with him about what pushes your buttons). If he tells you to "stop being so sensitive" or "I was only trying to help" or acts at all contemptuous of you, then yeah, I'd strongly consider shedding about 160 pounds of unwanted flesh by dumping him.

How did he act right after you left the table? Did he go to you and try to smooth things over or did he shrug and eat the food on your plate? How he acted right after tells you a lot about him. Listen to those actions, not just to what he says.

[Heather]

I think there's a lot of wisdom in Nola Celeste's post. If he's a young guy (20s), he may really need an education in how to treat a woman! If he has kind tendencies, you may be able to teach him what women consider rude.

I also think paying attention to his actions is important.

Good luck whatever you choose to do!

[whoIam]

wow ladies I have laughed cryed n feel alot better with your respons. I was able to talk to him n it was a not thinking before speaking. He says he didnt mean to say in the form it came out


But I dont believe him I went to the gym 2 hrs just to let off steam men are so uuugggghhh I told him one more time in privet or public he is. Gone!!!!




I didnt mean to bingie but my shake n apple for lunch n spexial k for dinner didnt work th li s time

[beerab]

sounds like you need to make better food choices- a shake and apple? Special k for dinner? Where is your protein?

Glad you guys talked but in the future he could privately speak to you!

[Nola Celeste]

I'm glad that you and he worked it out--he DEFinitely had a "not thinking before speaking" episode on that one! Good for him for acknowledging it and apologizing.

Sometimes people want to be helpful, but do a lousy job of it. My own husband (who has been lovely about my weight loss/eating/exercising/moodiness) said to me, "you're eating that now?" when I got a couple of crispbread pieces, hummus, and carrots as a snack. He meant, "dinner will be ready soon," but I heard, "OMG, you eat all the time, what's wrong with you?" It was unfair of me and we didn't fight about it, but it really reminded me of this post when he said that. He really was just trying to be helpful.

Speaking of being helpful--although I hope I don't do a lousy job of it--would you like to share some of your typical on-plan menus for some suggestions from some of the 3FC vets? You might be feeling more stressed out than you need to feel by letting yourself get too hungry. I know I'd be famished and miserable on liquids and cereals. Your experience may vary, but I know a lot of the folks here have better success when they eat more substantial, but less calorie-dense food.

Whether you want to explore some changes to your plan or not, though, it's great news that things got talked out.