[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by Linsy

I only skimmed the thread so I'm sorry if I'm repeating what has already been said.

Once he sees you visibly slimming down, looking happier, and making an effort to change your eating habits I have a feeling he will get a lot more supportive. Explain to him that having 1 piece of bacon is okay as long as you count it in your calories/carbs/points/whatever plan you're doing.

He does notice I'm happier, but that has more to do with not having headaches every day any more. I know he'll come around.But with silence, you don't know what's going on... is he worried? is he just not really taking notice? Lack of communication is never good. he is trying to help me with fitting in exercise, so that is support. The rest will come.

[sept15lija]

Originally Posted by berryblondeboys

Well, I can't see a difference visually either - it's only 1 month and 7 pounds.

And it took your husband FIFTY Pounds to notice? LOL But see, you were good enough to prompt him. I need to do that.

Yes, it did!! And my husband is generally a very kind individual who is loving in most every way, but he did not notice (he knew I was losing weight, but wasn't like "gee, you can really see it!!". And to be fair, neither did I notice really....you know when you're bigger, it takes a lot more weight loss to really see it. And friends of mine, who in this instance are women, started noticing around 40 pounds.

[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by AZ Sunrises

Listen to what his actions say. They say more than words ever will.

It is true... I would much rather have actions showing love than empty words. But words that mean it WITH actions would be a big plus!

[Nola Celeste]

It only took my husband a few pounds to notice--but that's because after I lost my first inch off my waist, I ran out of the bathroom topless yelling, "Look at meeee!," grabbed his hands, and put them on my waist. I wasn't going to let him NOT notice that inch.

My husband used to do that little "Why don't you...?" thing too. If your husband likes to stand around and play the "Why are you doing that?" game, start answering him. "Why do you put the apple core in the sink?" "Because it makes you wonder." "Why do you iron your blouse that way?" "Because that's how my Armenian love-puppet likes me to wear it." "Why haven't you done the laundry?" "Because you're so cute when you fret." "Why don't you remove the wrapper the right way?" "Because it is insufficiently challenging for a person of my burgeoning intellect."

After hearing responses like, "If I told you why, I'd have to kill you, mwa hah hah" and "Just to turn your hair gray" enough, my husband stopped with the "why aren't you doing things MY way?" questions.

[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by Nola Celeste

It only took my husband a few pounds to notice--but that's because after I lost my first inch off my waist, I ran out of the bathroom topless yelling, "Look at meeee!," grabbed his hands, and put them on my waist. I wasn't going to let him NOT notice that inch.

My husband used to do that little "Why don't you...?" thing too. If your husband likes to stand around and play the "Why are you doing that?" game, start answering him. "Why do you put the apple core in the sink?" "Because it makes you wonder." "Why do you iron your blouse that way?" "Because that's how my Armenian love-puppet likes me to wear it." "Why haven't you done the laundry?" "Because you're so cute when you fret." "Why don't you remove the wrapper the right way?" "Because it is insufficiently challenging for a person of my burgeoning intellect."

After hearing responses like, "If I told you why, I'd have to kill you, mwa hah hah" and "Just to turn your hair gray" enough, my husband stopped with the "why aren't you doing things MY way?" questions.

That is hilarious and I'm going to start doing that! I know he's not meaning to be an arse when doing it, but man, he sure is!

[Sindaena]

Originally Posted by berryblondeboys

You guys are telling me, it would not bother you to have your husband say NOTHING? Not a word about your fitness or weight loss, except for a criticism for not doing it perfectly? COME ON!!!!

Well, this is true for me. I have been married for seventeen years... my husband says nothing, not one word, about what I eat, weigh or do (or don't do) for exercise. He says nothing when I am gaining, and nothing when I announce out of the blue that I am going to bed early because I have a date at the gym at 5AM the next day. If he cooks, he asks me if I want some rather than just serving me along with the kids. This started after I freaked out on him once years ago for bringing me two fried eggs, hashbrowns and sausage. I shouldn't have freaked out since he was trying to be nice by cooking for me, and I have learned to keep my food issues to myself since, but he has also learned to just ask before preparing me food. When he wants to do something special like cook me a nice dinner on our anniversary he'll make sure it's low cal if he knows I am trying to lose weight. In essence he respects whatever I am doing as my choice and tries not to interfere. I used to wish he was more verbally supportive, but I think now that he is right to just stay out of it. Respecting my stated plans with respect to food and exercise is support. Fact is, anything said in an attempt to be supportive can easily be taken wrong.

[shannonmb]

Originally Posted by berryblondeboys

I guess I'm expecting too much. I'm SO excited about this journey. I feel so hopeful because all the building blocks are in place - I already have a healthy diet in place, I don't have a lot of the life stressors that made it difficult before and I am SLEEPING for the first time in ages. I'm not worried about failing, because I know I can do it. I guess I want him to be excited for me too?

Can I ask why you are sleeping now? I ask because getting my sleep fixed has been THE factor in my weight loss and why I KNOW I can do this for good this time. Thing is, my hubs has known me from 150 to 350 lbs and every weight in between. He mostly keeps to himself on the matter, and it's just now that I've really started to show a great loss and he sees me making good choices consistently over time and exercising regularly that he has started being my biggest cheerleader.

I have no doubt that my husband has loved me through all of this, but I also imagine he has had to emotionally detach himself from MY weight. Of course it would be sunshine and lollipops to think that he has loved me exactly the same way through it all and that he is perfectly happy either way at 200 lbs heavier or lighter, but the truth is I didn't love my self so much a lot of the time, so how could he really? I give him credit for doing the best he could when I was really in the throes of my sleep apnea, basically a blob on the couch eating like there was no tomorrow. How long has it taken for him to really start to believe, see that light back in my eye, and really get on board with the new lifestyle I have envisioned for us? About 8 months and 82 lbs. I honestly think it was too painful for him to get his hopes up before, as not one teeny tiny bit of it was in his control.

My mind is wandering, but I hope it helps. Live the way you want to live, and he'll get there!

[rachael]

You said several times that your husband doesn't say he loves you. Do you tell him you love him? If so, does he not reciprocate? Does he just say "thanks" or nothing? Or are you not saying it, either, to see how long it takes him to say it first? Because that's never a good game to play, you never like the results.

[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by shannonmb

Can I ask why you are sleeping now? I ask because getting my sleep fixed has been THE factor in my weight loss and why I KNOW I can do this for good this time. Thing is, my hubs has known me from 150 to 350 lbs and every weight in between. He mostly keeps to himself on the matter, and it's just now that I've really started to show a great loss and he sees me making good choices consistently over time and exercising regularly that he has started being my biggest cheerleader.

I have no doubt that my husband has loved me through all of this, but I also imagine he has had to emotionally detach himself from MY weight. Of course it would be sunshine and lollipops to think that he has loved me exactly the same way through it all and that he is perfectly happy either way at 200 lbs heavier or lighter, but the truth is I didn't love my self so much a lot of the time, so how could he really? I give him credit for doing the best he could when I was really in the throes of my sleep apnea, basically a blob on the couch eating like there was no tomorrow. How long has it taken for him to really start to believe, see that light back in my eye, and really get on board with the new lifestyle I have envisioned for us? About 8 months and 82 lbs. I honestly think it was too painful for him to get his hopes up before, as not one teeny tiny bit of it was in his control.

My mind is wandering, but I hope it helps. Live the way you want to live, and he'll get there!

That's how I think my husband feels about it too.

And the sleep. Well, it started about 6 years ago when I was pregnant with my son. I had terrrrrible restless legs and I couldn't do anything about it because I was pregnant. Then, I started having gall bladder attacks (though I didn't know what they were until after he was born). Then a newborn and then that newborn wouldn't sleep. I was getting up 5-7 times a night for 2.5 years with him. He would fall asleep so easily, but couldn't stay asleep. Then for a year, he would wake only once, but for like two -three hours - first 4 times a week, then 3, 2, and then once a week and until about age 5, once a month. Later, he was diagnosed with high functioning autism, but while in the throws of waking that much EVERY NIGHT of my life - I just existed. I didn't live.

Then, he's finally sleeping and then I would just not be able to sleep - at all. 3-4 times a week. I had to wake to go pee 3 times a night too. I never felt rested, ever. And then, daily headaches - all day, every day for three months.

After 6 weeks, I called a doctor, and since we had recently moved and I was a new patient, another 6 weeks to be seen.

My blood pressure was through the roof 230/130. Two days after I started taking BP pills, the headaches stopped and I started to SLEEP. Like REAL sleep. I told my husband, it had been YEARS since I felt this alive. When I think about it, I wasn't sleeping well before I got pregnant either. And bad sleep, means eating throughout the day to make it through the day.

So, I had already started to make better choices before I learned I had an underactive thyroid, and we're still working on that.

And, that's why I'm hopeful - very hopeful. Everything is now in place to be able to succeed. Just hasn't been long enough, I guess, for anyone but me to believe it.

[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by rachael

You said several times that your husband doesn't say he loves you. Do you tell him you love him? If so, does he not reciprocate? Does he just say "thanks" or nothing? Or are you not saying it, either, to see how long it takes him to say it first? Because that's never a good game to play, you never like the results.

We used to say it every day to each other. I think what happened is that we went through a bad patch and my husband didn't believe my words. THough they were ALWAYS true, but he didn't 'feel' it. That's when he stopped saying it. Probably 8 years ago. I was still saying it, then he said it bothered him that I said it all the time. And no, he wasn't saying it back and it dug like a knife.

Since then, we've had more ups than downs, but he still doesn't say it. I'm respecting his wish to not say it often, but he still never says it. When i say it, he'll smile back at me. Or, hug me (if we're in bed and I'm on his shoulder), but he never says it back. And never says it on his own. ONE TIME he said it last year when he was away from a trip and we talked on the phone. I about fell over, and then, after the call, I cried.

We've talked about it, and he doesn't know why he doesn't ever say it and doesn't think it's been that long. But I know, because it really hurts. He does want me to come to his shoulder every night when we happen to go to sleep at the same time (about twice a week) and he does kiss me goodbye in the morning, but no more words. And even though I should be able to see PLAINLY that he loves me, it still hurts to not here it, and he knows how i feel about it.

[kittycarlson]

Sorry you've had such a rough time. Your blood pressure was through the roof. Hope everything is going well with your son. That is so stressful. My niece had her four-year-old diagnosed with Aspergers last spring. Now her two year old. She doesn't get much sleep either but I think it is getting better as they both take Melatonin.

[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by kittycarlson

Sorry you've had such a rough time. Your blood pressure was through the roof. Hope everything is going well with your son. That is so stressful. My niece had her four-year-old diagnosed with Aspergers last spring. Now her two year old. She doesn't get much sleep either but I think it is getting better as they both take Melatonin.

I hadn't been to the doctor since my postnatal appt., but my BP had always been fine till then. Same with my thyroid. I realllllllllly believe that those years of lost sleep royally screwed up everything in my body. And why not? Who can go sleep deprived for years without some severe consequences?

I don't know why the medicine for the BP helped me sleep though. My blood pressure was still really high when I started to sleep. I'm not a big medicine person, but boy, it really helps - A LOT.

I love my little guy to pieces. he's extremely bright, but he didn't know how to communicate back and forth (getting better). But it was a realllllly rough few years.

[shannonmb]

Oh berryblondeboys, I am really excited for you! It sounds like you are getting a GOOD handle on everything. I honestly believe some of those things you talked about make it damn near impossible to lose weight, but WAY TO GO plugging away and SURVIVING until you could get to a better place. Now this is not only possible, you are doing it!! It does take them a little time to catch on that things are a-changin'. But I have a strong hunch that you won't even recognize your current life or your relationship in a year or so if you keep feeling great and taking care of YOU.

[beerab]

I totally understand wanting to have a cheerleader. You aren't asking him to do it all just be a bit more supportive right?

Then you have to tell him that BUT you have to keep him more involved in the process. Just say you want someone to be excited for you and cheer you on and ask him if he can help you out with THAT aspect of your weight loss. Then each day give him an update and each week tell him how much you have lost.

"Hey babe today I am so proud of myself I did so well, I worked out half and hour AND stayed within my alloted calories!" or "Hey babe I lost two more lbs this week for a total of 10 lbs!" etc...

And as your cheerleader he can say "great job babe I knew you could do it."

If that's all you want I don't see how he can't toss in a few words of encouragement here and there.

Honestly sounds like you guys might want to look into marriage counseling- if my husband stopped telling (and showing) he loved me I'd be a very unhappy person.

[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by shannonmb

Oh berryblondeboys, I am really excited for you! It sounds like you are getting a GOOD handle on everything. I honestly believe some of those things you talked about make it damn near impossible to lose weight, but WAY TO GO plugging away and SURVIVING until you could get to a better place. Now this is not only possible, you are doing it!! It does take them a little time to catch on that things are a-changin'. But I have a strong hunch that you won't even recognize your current life or your relationship in a year or so if you keep feeling great and taking care of YOU.

Thank you so much for the vote of confidence. Of course, I GOT overweight (to my highest actually) when I was sleeping, but I was also eating horribly then - stress is an UNDERSTATEMENT for those years. But the lack of sleep really put a damper on doing much with weight loss. I'm just happy I didn't gain, but slowly VERY SLOWLY lost during that time, but I could have lost way more if I had sleep.