My husband would NEVER speak to me like that. There is no excuse for that, especially since you told him it upset you and he didn't apologize (no matter if he thinks it's "motivational" if you say it hurts you he should want to stop it immediately).
Im sorry your feelings got hurt. I would feel the same, as would everyone else posting!
He is probably feeling insecure. Don't let him drag you down! Stay focused and prove him wrong!
To have that attitude and behavior and non-support from someone we CHOOSE to have in our lives is inexcusable. I liked Maalise's line about getting rid of dead weight. Alarm bells go off to read you cannot discuss things of importance with him - he shuts down. That's NOT good. I know you're probably feeling hammered with everyone here saying to re-evaluate your relationship and what you choose to have in your life, but ... someone who cares for you and should be by your side supporting you would not do that. That's obnoxious and hurtful - how long do you want that in your life? Be your own biggest support system and make wise choices after evaluating things. Best of luck. You've done GREAT so far and sound like you HAVE the strength and determination to do what you need to do!
Sorry for the late response, I ended up getting ready for work early!
I want to first say: Thank you SO much to everyone who responded/will respond, and for the kind words and advice.
It helps me immensely (you don't know how much) to just be able to snub my nose at him and say y'know what? I'm going to do this and I don't care what you say!
To be more specific. He doesn't say this all the time. Most of the time he says nothing about my weight loss, and sometimes he'll mention that it's great if I say I lost another pound, something to that extent. I didn't get into this expecting for him to be my cheerleader -BUT, I also didn't expect him to say something out of the blue to put me down.
I know he's not perfect, neither am I. Trust me when I say if he was like this constantly I would have not been with him this long, or at all. What I am used to is a loving BF who will compliment me on my outfit or my hair, or something. But when he has a bad week (like this week) it seems that I get the brunt of the irritation.
To answer a few people's question, he is not overweight. He has a bit of chub, but it's maybe 10lbs worth? He used to be more overweight but he lost it in an unhealthy way (not eating), and that was before we met.
And to add.... I would've loved throwing him out the window last night LOL
Sorry but my first reaction was "and he's still alive?" I, however, get that kicking someone you care for out of your life is far easier said than done. If he's great 50% of the time, it's that that you hold on to. If he's having a bad week, you cut him some slack. I do understand.
I'm sorry he hurt your feelings. If it continues, you may have to make some tough choices and if you have to make those, the girls here are REALLY, REALLY supportive. I know, believe me, they've helped me these last two weeks more than I can ever say.
Tell him he hurt you and that it's okay to be positive but negative reinforcement just won't work, it will only cause you to backslide. I remember having a WW coach tell me I'd never make it under 200 by X date. Instead of working harder, I went up, asked for my money back, and quit. I don't think that was the reaction she expected by I certainly didn't need this person telling me I couldn't do what I was setting out to do. She was subsequently fired. Now, you can't fire a boyfriend, but you can set him straight and show him where the couch is for a few days. That might open his eyes.
Sorry for the late response, I ended up getting ready for work early!
I want to first say: Thank you SO much to everyone who responded/will respond, and for the kind words and advice.
It helps me immensely (you don't know how much) to just be able to snub my nose at him and say y'know what? I'm going to do this and I don't care what you say!
To be more specific. He doesn't say this all the time. Most of the time he says nothing about my weight loss, and sometimes he'll mention that it's great if I say I lost another pound, something to that extent. I didn't get into this expecting for him to be my cheerleader -BUT, I also didn't expect him to say something out of the blue to put me down.
I know he's not perfect, neither am I. Trust me when I say if he was like this constantly I would have not been with him this long, or at all. What I am used to is a loving BF who will compliment me on my outfit or my hair, or something. But when he has a bad week (like this week) it seems that I get the brunt of the irritation.
To answer a few people's question, he is not overweight. He has a bit of chub, but it's maybe 10lbs worth? He used to be more overweight but he lost it in an unhealthy way (not eating), and that was before we met.
And to add.... I would've loved throwing him out the window last night LOL
Glad to hear this wasn't a regular thing! Sometimes people really do try to snipe at one another when they aren't feeling 100%. I hope he realizes how much this hurt you, though, so that he doesn't pick on you like that again.
I'm so angry right now, on your behalf that I probably shouldn't even respond, but I will anyway, because maybe you need to hear eat (and if you don't, you'll ignore what I have to say).
All I have to ask, is does this guy make your life better or worse? Would you really be worse off alone than with him? What does he add to your life? What does he take away? Is it worth it? Do you think he respects you (from his actions it doesn't sound like it)? If not, why are you with someone who doesn't respect you?
You don't have to answer here, but think about it.
My husband can be a huge jerk, because he doesn't have very good self-editing skill. If he thinks it, he says it. (I have to admit, I often have the same problem), but I can't imagine him not apologizing after realizing that something he said has hurt me.
I don't care if you sat on your butt and ate bonbons all year, gaining 200 lbs instead of losing 40, the comments were cruel, unnecessary, and the opposite of motivating. I wouldn't say, and can't imagine my sometimes-jerky husband saying such things to people we hate.
I'm glad to hear he's not like this all of the time. To be honest though, it's not acceptable even if he's having a bad day. I say things to my DH I regret when I'm overtired, or stressed, but never things that would demean him or his accomplishments (more like, can you help with the dishes once in a while??!! lol). If I ever did say something that hurt him, I would apologize immediately. Anyhow just saying maybe you guys could use a sit down together to discuss how you want to be treating one another, to raise each other up and be each other's best friend (which I believe great relationships are all about....best friends with benefits!! )
A few things rub me the wrong way about this whole situtation.
1. The fact that he said it at all. That's a red flag to me. I am very sensitive and will completely overreact to any comments that can be taken in a manner that's meant to tear down one's self-esteem (that's my past effecting my reactions though).
2. If this isn't his normal behavior, I would hope that he would be reflective enough to come back and talk to you about it, apologize and deal with the situation in a mature fashion; it should not be blown off.
It's ok to have bad days and to lash out, it's inevitable... we're human! But it has to be dealt with so it doesn't happen again.
When my husband was on prescribed steroids that caused nasty aggression and tempers , he never even said anything that bad to me; certainly not anything that would affect my self-esteem.
If I were you, I would just have a very frank conversation with your BF to make it clear that this will not happen again. If he's upset that's fine, but don't make jabs at weight/self-esteem. Grr... Just make sure you're doing what's best for you.
If I try to talk to him about this or anything important, he will usually get angry and that will be the end of it.
When you said this, it does not at all sound like a rare occurance. It sounds like this is typical of him.
So which is it? Is it rare for him to be a bully, or is it typical? Were you exagerating when you said he usually gets angry whey you try to talk to him about anything important, or is it true?
When you say "he will usually get angry and that will be the end of it," what do you mean by that? Do you mean he always has to get his way and doesn't listen to you? Do you always give in, just to keep peace? Because that's how it sounds.
My husband said something that was kind of hurtful but DID motivate me, once. When I started my journey, he told me I'd never stick with it just like all the other times. I had 2 false starts before this time. I would start to go to the gym and work out and then I'd just stop going. After he said that to me, I was like I'm gonna prove him wrong! I've lost almost 30lbs and he is very supportive now. Boys can be so stupid sometimes!
First off, alot of people don't think before they speak. However, that doesn't mean that you should have to put up with it. He obviously hurt you with his words. I would have been hurt too. There is no reason for you to have to keep this to yourself. You're sharing it here, but I think you need to share your feelings with him. He will most likely become defensive. My concern is two-fold. Did he say these words to sabotage your efforts because he's afraid of how confident you are becoming with your weight loss? Is he afraid he is going to lose you once you lose weight? Either way, his fears shouldn't stop you from becoming healthy and confident. If he doesn't want to listen to you, move onward.
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, he never even said anything that bad to me; certainly not anything that would affect my self-esteem.
