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Old 11-30-2010, 10:14 AM   #1
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Default Feeling guilty, but...

Feeling guilty about this, butÖ.

Over the past year or so, Iíve lost about 60 lbs (about 5-10 more to go), and Iíve done it in I think a pretty healthy way Ė eating more whole foods, I rarely eat bread or pasta (and 9 times out of ten, if itís an option, opt for whole grain), drinking lots of water, and exercising (combo of cardio (mainly running) and weight/strength classes at my gym, and pilates). Anyway, my whole life, my immediate family has been overweight Ė mom, dad, sister. My mom and sister, Iíd say, are obese. My sister, for example, is probably about 230, and is 5í3. My mom Iíd say is the same weight, but about 5í6. My dad has recently lost a bit of weight and is now close to normal and almost out of the overweight range. Itís not that we as a family ate junk food, rarely did we eat fast food or go out to eat, and a lot of what we grew up eating was whole foods (and we always had salad or a veggie with dinner) Ė we just ate a lot of it I guess. We also were always in sports, and both of my parents have been active, either going for long daily walks or swimming, elliptical, etc. Also, not to mention theyíre all definitely classified as ďfoodiesĒ, know all about the latest food trends, best restaurants, and absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE to cook. Thatís what our holidays and family trips are based around Ė menu planning, food shopping, and cooking. Bottom line is, they definitely see food (more so cooking) as an interest and a passion, which is fine. I can fully understand and appreciate that. However, recently (and this past Thanksgiving made it even more abundantly clear) Iíve been feeling a bitÖ frustrated. Mainly with my sister. I donít know if itís jealousy, but sometimes I get the impression that she thinks Iím depriving myself and that Iím too restrictive in what I eat, and almost that she has an attitude that ďyou may have lose weight but you did it in an extreme way and Iím living life to the fullest more than you because Iím not so restrictive and Iím doing it the healthy wayĒ She has never said this to my face, but she has made comments about how I need to loosen up and life is too short not to indulge in an extra piece of pie b/c thanksgiving is, afterall, only once a year and that Iím nuts. And this makes me just want to scream Ė if you think your way of losing weight (which I know sheís trying to do) is so much better than mine, than why did I just lose 60 lbs and you have lost barely anything!?!? And whatís really bad, is that I feel like itís making me lose some respect for her in other areas of life, like I canít look up to her as much anymore (sheís 3 years older than me). Like I got my weight in check, why canít you see what you're doing isn't enough? Sometimes, even if itís something totally not related to weight at all, itís like I canít respect her when she tries to preach what she thinks is right and what others are doing wrong.

Does this all make sense? She works out almost daily, and doesnít eat ďjunkĒ necessarily either, I just think she eats too much of it. We live about 800 miles apart, so I donít see her enough to really monitor what sheís eating, just on vacations and holidays when she pulls the ďitís once a year, why notĒ card.

Has anyone else felt this way about a family member or someone else you're close to? I feel really bad about it, and I want to be able to fully look up to my sister again, but I canít shake this feeling.
"We are still masters of our fate. We are still captains of our souls." - Winston Churchill
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:28 AM   #2
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I would just try to remember that her weight loss journey is just that - hers. Just like she should respect that your weight loss journey is unique to you. I can understand why you'd be frustrated especially if she's making negative remarks about your dieting choices; however, I would encourage you to remember that your sister is not defined by her weight or eating choices any more than you are/were.

Just because she's overweight and is making different choices with regard to potential weight loss doesn't mean that she's not someone who is still worthy of your respect. It actually breaks my heart to think that my younger sisters might not respect me or my opinions just because I'm overweight and have issues getting my weight under control.
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:48 AM   #3
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Thanks Sunshine. I definitely understand your point - and I kind of want to clarify as I think I mispoke. I don't think I'd be so frustrated if she just didn't talk so poorly on my habits. I think that's what's really bothering me. If she had the attitude of not judging my habits, I don't think I'd feel the urge to judge hers.
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Old 11-30-2010, 11:04 AM   #4
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I think there's a bit of jealousy going on. I have sisters, too, and although we support each other, it's possible that she sees your results and tries to find some fault with them (not living life to fullest, ets) when what's driving that is the fact that you are doing better at getting healthy than she is. If you can understand that jealousy (we're all human), and know where it comes from, then you can rationally ignore these kinds of jabs.
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Old 11-30-2010, 12:07 PM   #5
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I feel for you - that's tough - and I agree that it's some jealousy on her part that's having her be a bit condescending toward your food choices, trying to make herself feel better about what SHE'S choosing. It's almost like you want to agree with her, "Yep - everything I want in moderation." and then she can't judge - because you're having WHAT YOU WANT - maybe not what SHE wants

I, too, sometimes judge people on self-control - as I judge myself, as well. A friend who is in DEEP debt trying to tell me about something financial holds NO water for me.

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Old 11-30-2010, 12:34 PM   #6
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just keep in mind how silly she looks at that weight criticizing what you eat. lol
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Old 11-30-2010, 12:54 PM   #7
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I was just about to post the same thing!!! My good friend just told me tonight that I am "missing out on life" and "not having any more fun" because of my weight loss plan

She asked to meet me for dinner (with another friend) at 9pm but I made it clear that I already ate (6pm) and maxed out my calories for the day (1200-1300), so I will just accompany them and have a chat. At first, she was forcing me to have dinner but I was firm. Afterward, she wanted to have drinks and again, I said no because I didn't want to add to my calories... I tried to explain that my progress is very good now (2lbs/week) and I didn't want to disrupt my pace especially since I wasn't hungry or in the mood for a drink. I want to get to the 140's by December. She exploded and said those things...

She lost a lot of weight herself (around 70 lbs within 1 year) so I was hoping she would understand. But she has been the most vocal against my weight loss! It's really unfair. She's lucky because she's freelance and can do whatever she wants anytime. She lost weight by eating frequently and walking the whole day... I have a desk job and need to sit down for long hours. I don't have the same luxury as her and can only count calories and exercise before sleeping.

So I don't know what to think now... honestly. I won't deny that since I started with my plan, I have been seeing less of my friends because I was counting calories and exercising every night. But I am not miserable... in fact, I am happy with my progress and have been feeling great! Why do they think we are not living life to the fullest just because we are trying to lose weight?! I just wish the people around us were more supportive instead of negative!!!

I think the difference between my friend and your sister is that my friend already lost the weight... and because she has lost the weight and looks good now, everyone must stop with their silly diets/exercise routines and hang out with her (this is how it feels for me). Your sister, on the other hand, thinks she's doing it "the right way" and anyone who is losing weight at a faster rate is "the wrong way" therefore, unhealthy and miserable. Both of them are being self-centered.

Sorry for the long post... I just had to let it out. Honestly, I am not mad at my friend... just a bit resentful of her lack of support. So it is best that I avoid bringing up my weight/diet/exercise with her. In fact, maybe I will keep my weight loss journey to myself and stop all mention of calories/workout with other people except here in the forum. Other than this minor argument, she is a really good friend and I know she cares for me. Maybe you can think the same way of your sister... her opinions on weight loss should not cancel out all her good attributes.

Good luck to us!!!
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Old 11-30-2010, 01:30 PM   #8
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I agree that when some people do this, it's because you are taking the fun out of THEIR splurge. You are tightly sticking to your plan, and then they have to look at what they are doing and it makes them feel a little guilty about the choices they are making.

I've been experiencing some similar situations. At a potluck at work, one of my friends was trying to encourage me to "just this once". I told her I'm not wasting my "just this once" on a work potluck. If I'm going to have a "just this once", I'm asking my hubby to take me to the finest restaurant in town, have a little wine, and trip the lights fantastic. Work pot luck just doesn't qualify. She is trying to lose weight also, so I figured she was twisting my arm so that she would feel better about what she was having.

Just stick to your guns. You have nothing to explain or apologize for, obviously it is working for you!
START: May 25, 2010
FIRST GOAL... 299lbs - ACHEIVED 9/28/10
SECOND GOAL...250lbs - ACHEIVED 4/13/11
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